My journal to recovery- Could use support

[BlueHeronFan]

No, I think I get you: I sometimes do things that keep me busy so I feel like I'm getting results without really getting there. Maybe that's not what you mean, but either way, go for those results!

Now I'm thinking about replacement behaviors, too. I've been doing pretty good at staying away from PMO lately, but have I just been replacing it with something else? Thinking about now, I don't really think so, but it's something I'm going to try to be more aware of and probably write about too.

Keep it going, and good luck on your presentation!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Yeah, I meant like idk challenging myself for challenges sake.

Like I'd make my goals "study every day for 30 min"
"Meditate twice day"
etc.
Before I knew it, I'd have like 20 things I HAD to do during the day, and would not be performing well at work.

What about just setting a goal?

"Make X more dollars this week"
Master this aspect of X hobby
etc.

Being willing to go for it, being okay with failing. And being FLEXIBLE in how I get there. I am moving towards this and it's working pretty well lately. I have had a lot of challenges, but I am just doing what it takes to get through em, not making it harder for myself not commiting to things other then getting results.

Daily update:
Skipped breakfast (never do that!) I didn't get to eat until mid afternoon and it had me tired all day, really wore me out even still. OH well lesson learned, make breakfast a priority.

Day went pretty well. Job stuff going well. There are other areas I want to work on BUT. The job stuff is number one for now. Going all in, I have an opportunity to improve my life a good bit. So going all in on that. Once I have the job, I'll have more time to balance out. So, I would like to say socialize tonight, but if I don't do much. Don't meet girls etc. so sweat. Job comes first!!!

Also: Gotta stay on track. Enjoy myself girl or no girl.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Okay, I see what you mean. Yeah, that makes sense, and I think you're wise to notice what's happening. It's the next step: instead of just focusing on improving and challenging yourself, you're thinking about priorities. You can't do it all, so you're doing first things first.

That's awesome and definitely something I want to think more about. I have some free time coming up now that classes are over, so I want to make sure that I'm using that time well with some specific goals.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Sounds good! Another thought I was having.... any fun activities you like? There are so many fun activities. A hike? indoor rock climbing? Jet skiing? Amusement park? Museum? I am thinking of doing this too, it can be a nice way to boost the mood when times are rough. Plus feeling better makes things easier anyway! I am aiming to find a fun activity to do soon.

Update: What an eventful, difficult but ultimately rewarding evening.

So, I had planned on going out a bit, I skipped it to rest and was in bed unable to sleep. WRONG! I do need rest but, skipping stuff is often not good, staying in too long is not good. I was fantasizing about my fetish fantasizing about relapse and HOLY SHIT, I came as close as I ever have. I pulled out my phone with the intention of looking at some porn, even planning to contact prostitutes. I was like shaking with anticipation. Then at the last second, I pulled up this forum instead....

I have been so focused on cutting out fantasy that I have neglected to even count how long I have been porn and masturbation free. So I looked up the forum just to see when my first post was. It has been 47!!!! Days!!!! I was like, do I really want to give that up, do you imagine the devastation I would feel to give that up?

I STILL once again nearly pulled up tinder to look up girls (guaranteed to lead to relapse). I downloaded the app but then thought again. I will be DEVASTATED tomorrow. I deleted the app without opening it.

So, I barely slept. BUT I woke up feeling HAPPY for the first time in a looonnnggg time ( it hasn't been all bad but I have been feeling like shit when I first wake up for awhile). And so grateful, the second I woke up I was fully aware of the horrible devastation I would have felt if I had relapsed.



Had a really good day today.

Lessons of yesterday:

Something very upsetting had happened with a friend. (The same one I am always upset about lol). And that was a big part of the trigger. I need to give that dude some space. Some of it's my fault. Simply I view him as more of a friend then he views me. I am tired of it. He's my friend (have a balanced view) but really I gotta stop doing so much for him and also expand outward and make more friends and build up my life separately. Thank god I got through it though phew....

So: Pull back on that friend. Let me be blunt: I have been needy. I gotta expand my social life. Not be so reliant on this friend. Not be unconditionally available for people who are not the same with me. Give us each some space on my terms for once.

Also: DO NOT skip going out and stay in for too long. It straight up doesn't work..... My last lapse period before this journal, I had a few lapses that way. Just staying home then urges would come. It's okay to go out a little bit, and go home if still tired. I forget, I often regret staying home and rarely regret going out. If I have been barely home for a few days. Stay home it's great. But I was inside every evening for days. I SKIPPED a plan (always a BIG trigger) and it nearly cost me a 47 day streak. Plus I may have had a great time, made friends, met a date. Who knows? That was a mistake and a step in the wrong direction. Its okay, learn from it. Socialize more. (separate from other friend).


Finally: MEDITATE. I have not been meditating. I was like "oh I am doing too much each day". Meditating is one thing to include. Not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I simply have an increased control over myself when I meditate. My mind slows down ever so slightly, but it's so so important. Meditation is a very important tool to staying sober. So for the time being back on the meditation wagon.

So the non meditation was really bad, meditating is really important. Very grateful I came so close to lapsing and learned my lesson without actually lapsing.... Wow, I am honestly impressed with myself, never gotten to a point like that and gotten through it before...

I think BlueHero and Picah you both meditate? I would be happy to hear about your practices and any tips you have, so maybe I could experiment with making my meditation better/ more pleasurable etc.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Feeling pretty good right now.

I was very tired today, I think I am/ was in a bit of a flatline....

So I was very tired, I slept for an hour and woke up so tired I was woozy. I still went out for a bit. I felt pretty listless, a mix of nervous and um... un social. I felt disinterested in most women I saw... Some I was quite attracted to but not as much as usual. I am meditating again and man is it helpful, just taking the edge of my emotions a little bit.

Anyway, so I was out and just out of it. But by the time I got home I have some energy and want to socialize. I am already home and first though "shoot, wish I had this energy before" but a better way of looking at it is... in terms of like investment. I felt really out of it, went out anyway and was able to put myself in a better mood and re energize.... hopefully I can use that energy tomorrow.

ALSO- One of the girls, who is no longer in my city, sent me a really sweet text saying she liked me etc. but was nervous to meet because she didn't want to have feelings for me and leave. That was very sweet and a confidence boost. It's odd... the last week or so, the idea of having any sort of relationships even a date with women has felt a million miles away...... it's not logical. But this text made it seem a bit closer. Work is priority 1 and has moved me away from dating much, but I want to get back into dating again perhaps next week.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Day 2 (fantasy free) 48 or 9 (PMO free)

Woke up feeling a bit better. Went out a bit last night and learned from it.... Going to work on some fun stuff today. This forum seems kind of slow lately...

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Wow, sounds like a lot has been happening. Huge congratulations are in order for pulling back from a potential relapse. You're right, that would be devastating to lose that streak. I know my growing streak is definitely a motivating factor for me. Just keep checking yourself and making adjustments.

You asked about meditation. I've been doing meditation most days for a couple years by now, I think. Maybe 3. It's an ongoing process, and I sometimes think I'm not doing a very good job. But that's not the point, right? For me, the value is in the habit. Sometimes I feel like I get really deep into it and finish my meditation feeling refreshed, and other times I feel like I just sat still for 20 minutes. But I still think that's helpful. More concretely, I've been using an app lately called Insight Timer (Android and Apple) that has a lot of guided meditations, music, talks, etc. It even has some great things about addiction in general and even on porn addiction. A lot of the app's content is free. I only recently got a subscription to some of the other features (I never pay for apps) because I felt like I was getting enough out of it to make it worth it. So I'd recommend it if you're into that sort of thing.

Sorry if I've contributed to the slowness of the forum. The last few weeks have been intense, but I hope to be back more regularly (daily) moving forward now that things are settling down again. Onward we go!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for the tips! Thats a good point, I would feel like my meditation wasn't doing anything then stop. For my the meditation really is super helpful. Especially for awareness.

Pretty decent day today. I had a minor stress earlier but it was "normal" like I didn't get super upset, so that is BIG progress. To just idk experience regular un extreme emotions.

I had a pretty fun day, was tired but pushed through and had a great workout. My big win, was. I was home and about to skip a workout class I really wanted to go to, because I felt I didn't have the time. I felt a little down like, I'd done too much. Disappointed lonely and triggered. Then was like fuck it! I want to go! So I rushed out, rushed there and had a great time! So glad I did that. I seem to pretty much never regret doing something I want to do lol.... Very glad I listened to my body ( in the right way) . My body felt lonely and felt urges, so even though I'd been out all day, I went right back out and had a great time. 

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That's great! Recognizing a trigger or an urge and then deliberately doing something to deal with it is maybe a simple thing, but it's huge. For a long time it seemed like my thing was trying not to have urges because I knew they would always get me. Now I'm starting to realize that the urges aren't going away anytime soon, so I'm working on dealing with them instead of giving in.

Keep doing the good that you're doing!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Fantasized a bit a few days ago. Cut it out again. Had a trigger come up pretty strong in a convo today with a girl. Came out of left field. Luckily afterward I recognized it.

Not much else new. Doing well, being vigilant. Being stricter (avoiding thoughts of sex).

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good stuff. I'm in a similar boat, had some urges crop up today.

Just staying vigilant, too. We'll get through this

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Glad to be on the forum! Felt bad all day. My body hurts, super tired but antsy. Forum is reminding me it's all just part of the recovery process. Gonna nap, hope I can sleep. But if I have to get out of bed due to urges, I'll do it. Being tired won't kill me

 

[BlueHeronFan]

True! Better tired than relapsed. It's times like these that really count. I know that antsy feeling.

I know I always feel like these urges will never go away unless I give in, but that's not true. They do pass eventually. We're one day closer to beating this round of urges. Hang in there, man (and I will too)!

 

[pichaelthompson]

Definitely agree with that attitude, sometimes we feel off or not our best but there are always things we can appreciate!

Sorry if I contributed to the slow feeling on here as well; I'll be on here more frequently moving forward as I'm settling into a daily summer routine

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for the support guys! That night was fine. Been doing pretty good, was thinking about an ex girlfriend. (christ how many times have a written this??? lol). Had a great workout today, which was nice. I noticed as soon as I got into my apartment I felt a bit down.... funny cause I felt good most of the day but when I felt that I thought "I am always down!". It's a habit I'd like to break a bit ( alone in apartment = feel lonely and down). It literally is a habit that I seem to just create the feeling, whatever apartment I am living in.

I think it's time to start scheduling my days again soon.... I don't want to work on certain projects but always feel waayyyy bettter when I do.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Hey everyone. Man I post a lot.

Been feeling pretty bad today... I hurt my hand somehow and it hurts to type by the way. But gonna suck it up...

Each time I enter my apartment I just feel sad and lonely. Been so tired lately.... I think perhaps I am in a flatline. I was out last night and just had no desire for women. So maybe it's simple as that.... flatline....

Still gotta stay vigilant, I noticed a desire to idk like play with my penis when I was in the shower, so always keep on eye out for that.

At some point, I gotta just decide to will my way to having a good day... just break out of the rut.

So my deadline is Sunday. Sunday (or earlier) I plan to have a good productive day.

1) Having my  goals finally written out.
2) Working on some kind of project. (maybe social skills)
3) Being super prepped for another work test I have.

That reminds me, my first test for work, the speaking thing I spoke about. I passed. I didn't feel too good about it, but that could just be the flatline/ my mood talking. I was told that it was good and rarely do people pass like that. So now I am on to the next one next week. After that I should have the new job. It'll be tough, but I bet it'll add some increased meaning energy and drive to me. I really do have something to look forward too. I am technically un employed at the moment and that always effects people mentally.

Feeling better having written. The nights have sucked fucking hell lol. I was gonna try and say it another way, but I have not been able to get the same pleasure out of reading. I have strong urges and my sleep hasn't been restful. Sigh.... Anyways, like I said. Gonna will myself to be back in business. There really isn't another way. It's been like weeks now of feeling pretty shitty. Just gotta INVEST. Bust my ass while feeling like shit for a few days, then after a few days I'll have the momentum back and feel better.

Commitment: NO sex fantasizing at all tonight. Gotta clear my brain. If I gotta get up and go out, I gotta do it.

Let me end on a positiive note:
I had an awesome workout today
I actually felt good for much of the day (just when I got home that I feel quite bad).
I am pumped about my workout! I am lifting heavy for the first time in like years, and I look forward to the changes I'll see in my body in the coming months. It'll up my confidence, I'll feel better throughout the day AND let's be real, it really helps with the girls. (this is a good thing imo, any man can work out and get an awesome body, with girls they are more effected by genetics.)

 

[pichaelthompson]

Congrats on passing your test! I definitely feel you on having bad days, alot of the time routine is really good and builds character but we as humans enjoy the spontaneous things in life...meeting new people, going on a first date, new activities. I think once you start your job things will get better as you will have new opportunities and challenges ahead. I appreciate that you are able to find the positive and still try to do good things for yourself no matter how bad things get, it has helped me alot on my journey!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

First of all, congrats on passing! That's super awesome. Rooting for you for the next step: you've got it!

But I'm also sorry to hear that you're feeling down. I know the feeling, and I know how tough positive thinking can be. You know, it's not as simple as just saying "cheer up." But the fact that you're aware of it and committed to work on it is a good thing. Just don't give into to it. Looking back, a lot of my relapses have come when I was feeling the most depressed and hopeless about the future. Sometimes, I think that PMO is just about sexual urges, but it's about my attitude more generally too.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now, but keep it going. Things will get better, and you're probably making more progress than you realize. And we're in your corner, too, cheering you on.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for the encouragement guys! I had a very good day yesterday. Today wasn't bad either.

Met a girl yestarday. She was my uber driver.... but........ We met cause I was in the back seat we were talking with her in the front. I could swear she was cute, but I only like saw her eyes. I also could have sworn she turned around and was cute. Anyway, she asked for MY number. We have  date settup.... Now I will feel bad if I am wrong and she is cute but..... I looked at her whatsapp picture and I swear to god it looks like Michael Jackson (the white plastic surgery one!). Like is it a man!? Is she ugly? Or just a terrible picture.....

I remember looking and thinking "she" had nice eyes and was really sweet and girly. But it's weird for a cute girl to be driving uber for a living especially late at night? So I am a lil stressed. Again, I swear I was in the back seat and she looked like a cute girl, but again I was in the back seat....

She was a quirky really smart artsy girl, so maybe she is awkward and took a very weird awful picture?

Anyway lols. WTF. Am I crazy or what?

Also who knows maybe my mind is playing some crazy ass trick on me. I thought the girl was really nice and cute when I met her and she really liked me and asked me out... I was excited maybe it's like my brain playing tricks on me.... like can't just let a girl like me....

Anyway, I am seeing her tomorrow. If it's a transgender I will run away ASAP.  If it's a cute girl, I'll just be like how the fuck do you take such a bad picture????

When I saw the pic I got an urge. That is NOT my PMO induced fetish lol. I got it out of disappointment BUT if it is the case that this girl is a dude or butt ugly, I'll just run, laugh and conciously not get too high or low. It was only a month ago that I had a VERY attractive girl in my bed. So it is possible. Just gotta be patient.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you had a couple of good days!

But oh man, good luck with all of that. I hope it's just a bad picture and that the date goes well. It's good that you have a backup plan, though. I hope you have a plan for any urges that come up after, too (if it does turn out bad). I know those disappointment urges too well. When anything even barely relationship related doesn't work out, my brain turns to PMO so fast.

Whatever happens, let us know how it goes. Hopefully it turns out good!