My journal to recovery- Could use support

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Super quick check in: What is it Day 6?

Feeling good! I had a good day, meditated in am... Bought a ton of healthy food. Had a good day at work. Worked on a project, which I am glad I did. When I got home I felt really really off, but I went for a HARD late night run. That really helped. Exercise is like goddamn magic. I read a book recently like it's proven to boost mood for HOURS afterward. So anyway, I did the run and then worked through this self-help book that I am trying to work on daily for awhile. It is a great book. Funny, it's an old book from like 1970 I was reading a section about self image it listed the  causes of a poor self-image.

"Negativity"
"What people say"
etc. etc.
"And the worse one of all, that has just been around for the last 10 years; PORNOGRAPHY!" This dude was sharp as hell and way ahead of the curve lol.
The old classic self- help books are legit. No bs you can have everything; just practical, you can do a SHIT TON more then you think and no nonsense advice.

 

[pichaelthompson]

That's awesome your date went so well! Yeah that does suck you don't get to see her again but atleast you know that you are capable of establishing connections with cool, fun, people...you'll have plenty of other opportunities in the future! I totally agree with you on the self-help books, they have helped me alot too, if you're looking for another one after you finish yours I would recommend "how to stop giving a fuck" by mark manson, the title explains it all lol (it's also pretty funny and entertaining)

 

[LeanAndBop]

Sounds really positive Quit!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks guys! Yeah the funny thing is right after I felt bad about it. But once I wrote about it and thought about it I realized it was pretty good! I am ready to date more so I want to keep the momentum going. At some point my life is gonna change and real women are going to be a part of it. The only stopping that is me, so time to keep  it up and make that transition.

Things are going pretty well. I am beefing up my schedule a bit again. Meditation has been really good. Sleeping less, but in a good way. I was over sleeping.

Hmmm a big lesson I forgot to write about is, I went to a class for one of my hobbies and I was very frustrated, thought of quitting, my lessons I had paid for ran out. Then I went again on Monday. It did not go well for the first 45 min then I had a great time! I was so glad I didn't quit..... Also another hobby I worked on today was tough (not upsetting though). I am learning new things and having struggles but the thing I thought is....

When have I or anyone EVER regretted getting good at anything?

Like I am pushing myself learning to dance, I was frustrated-- Is it really possible I would go through all the struggles 6 months from now, be a very good dancer having fun doing it, dancing with women and think.... I regret this? Or is it more likely I'd quit, see awesome dancers and regret qutting??

The mind plays tricks. Persistence is key key key. If I had stuck with even a few more of the hobbies I have taken on to actually get good, I'd be one cool badass dude.


Rest of day, have a fun short social activity, then I may go out and aim to talk to women. Early in my reboot, this was an unhealthy desperate behavior, now it seems a healthy one, though I'll still watch myself to make sure it stays that way.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Awesome reports! Glad it was an overall positive learning experience. And sorry about the tidal wave lol!

I definitely think learning patience is an important part of recovery. At least for me, relapses always seem to happen when something I want isn't happening right away. So then my brain says, well, we can get that high from PMO right now.

But good things, real things take time. Whether or not that girl actually does come back, you learned something and got one date better at dating. And that's awesome! One good conversation at a time, one date at a time, one day without PMO at a time, you'll end up right where you want to be.

Keep it up! And congrats on the progress!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks bro!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Just here to complain right now I guess. Odd, I got suddenly exhausted and feel pretty damn bad. I was around a sick person yesterday and around my sick friend today. Hope I am not sick. Just feeling pretty damn bad at this moment. I guess I'll sleep in tomorrow (I don't need to be up early). Mentally off too. It could just be withdrawal. 

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Man, this forum is really helpful. Keeping me on track and reminding me what is important to me. Aiming to help other guys is helpful to me too. I posted in mym8mary's journal yestarday about how being willing to forgo sleep for a night is important yestarday... and that is exactly what happened to me last night. It was very fresh in my head "oh yeah this is what I talked about, it's late I am tired I feel sick well if I don't sleep, I don't sleep"

I was a bit sick, was interrupted during my meditation (but went back and re did it!) and at a certain point could not sleep. I accepted it, got to sleep damn late.

But you know what? I was 100% clean. Didn't even let me self think about women at all. I am a little sick (though optimistic I can rest up and feel better in a few hours) didn't sleep the greatest but man I feel good about that. That was a rough night and I was so aware. "Okay here I am, I am feeling sadness, I am feeling ummm shitiness. lol I am thinking maybe I want to just think about a girl and regular sex in bed...... you know I'd rather not do that my habits in bed are changing the urges have been weaker here lately how about I read; if I don't sleep I don't sleep it won't kill me..."

And now here I am, didn't sleep and I do feel quite good about that last night, I certainly could not have done that, definetly not in that way a few weeks ago. Pretty much calmly sidesteppping cravings accepting problems and bad feelings. Now this does not mean to be arrogant, difficulties can always arise. Just gonna stay vigilant. I do say, I have a feeling that this streak is the one that will go on forever....

Short term plan: Today, take it easy. I am lil sick and I'll be a little light on myself. Luckily at this point, my relaxation is healthy consisting of reading (will use vigilance to keep it that way.

Long term plan: Stay on this forum moving forward, I can do less of it, perhaps weekly when I have like years pmo free. But permanent vigilance is likely necessary since these brain patterns don't go away. I don't want anymore long as streaks and going back to it, I want to be done with this shit and going on this forum to stay on track and remember to be vigilant is a very small price to pay. If anything, it's extra support and rewarding to aim to support others with the same problem.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Sorry to hear that you're sick, get well soon! Sounds like a good plan short term and long term...we will always have a tendency (at varying degrees) to fall back into old habits that could lead to PMO, but even with minor slip-ups vigilance will help us stay the course. I kind of think of it as carving out a path, wandering off a little bit but getting back on the path so that you pickup where you left off. Perfection is impossible, but constant progression is always something we can look for.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks bro! Luckily in terms of the sickness I feel a good bit better.

Just thought I'd stop in for a minute. Putting in more efforts to meet women. Feeling a little afraid etc. oh, well. Just gotta stay calm and keep it up AND not get desperate. Just plug away at aiming to meet more women bit by bit a little bit at a time. While enjoying the rest of my life.

I have a little free time at the moment and I am not certain what to do, I set a few goals so may as well work on them a bit. I notice I have a lot of fear of failure. "What if I go to this social event and it goes bad then lots of people think I am weird"

 

[mym8marty]

Hey Quit! Read through your journal and only noticed it was yours when you mentioned my name... LOL

I have a little free time at the moment and I am not certain what to do, I set a few goals so may as well work on them a bit. I notice I have a lot of fear of failure. "What if I go to this social event and it goes bad then lots of people think I am weird"

This is a huge issue that I struggle with as well, not in these specific terms but I am constantly experiencing social anxiety. For me, it is especially prevalent because it's only my second semester in school (in another state) so I don't have any solid friend groups. The constant thought for me is that this person wouldn't want me at their event/party, nobody wants me to butt in on their friend group/hangout, that person doesn't want me to  sit with them at lunch, etc.

The biggest things I have done to overcome this are
1. Defining my feelings: telling myself "This is what social anxiety is. That's what's making you think this way. These people really don't give a damn about you coming and hanging out with them, and on top of that might even enjoy your company."
2. Stopping myself from apologizing for nothing: I did this a lot, I would say "Sorry for double texting", or "Sorry to intrude", "Sorry for talking so much", etc. Nobody but me was looking at the situation in the same way I was (that I was being rude just by talking/being around them) so apologizing is pointless. On top of that, apologizing only reinforces my own irrational guilt, validating my anxieties.

At a party especially, this sounds harsh but no one cares enough about any individual person there! No one is paying more attention to you than you are. Honestly the feeling that you may not be wanted can only be rational in a situation like, does this person want to be trapped on an island with me for the rest of their lives. A party is one night, nobody is bothered by you being there any more than you are by anyone else being there.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I remember in my very earliest days of trying to quit this addiction that I used to think PMO was my only problem, that if I could fix that I would have fixed everything.

Once I started to quit using PMO to anesthetize myself to the problems of life, I started to see all my other problems more clearly. It was a weird realization that I had a lot more to work on than just my addiction. But I guess that's what happened when I wasn't blocking everything else out with PMO.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing that other than to say you're on the right track. If your path to recovery is anything like mine, you'll be confronting the problems and difficulties head on that you've been using PMO to block out. Don't let your new awareness of those issues trick you into thinking you're better off with your old way of living. You're headed to a much better you, even if it means walking through the tougher days.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks guys!

Great points Marty. I know what you mean with the apologizing, and the not thinking people want you around, it's great to be aware of it. Also, the "harsh" thought of people not caring is actually liberating! I think feeling like everyone cares what we do etc. (I have been there plenty) makes things too extreme and makes me sensitive. Also lol at not knowing the journal was mine till I said your name, I've done similar

Blue: Totally true. Yeah, lots of problems to overcome. I am trying to enjoy the process, find healthier ways to handle emotions and problems. I read a nice quote today: Happiness and pleasure are not the same thing! There is a lot of meaning and happiness to be found in a life with occasional problems and bad feelings, thats just part of life.


Update: Today was a little rougher emotionally then I let on, but finally I feel better. I pushed myself to socialize a lot. I didn't really make friends or meet many girls BUT I pushed through a lot of anxiety and eventually finally it is gone.

Some danger though: I was thinking to myself "Man I really want to meet girls, maybe I should eventually use tinder just a little" That thought leads to a huge craving and to flashes of PMO nonsense in my head. Tinder was the ultimate killer of some of my best streaks and rarely had good dates on it anyway. It harmed my focus, and was a huge pmo trigger. I had commited to never using it. So perhaps I need to recognize these thoughts as urge/ pmo type thoughts. Is it possible I could meet a girl on tinder? Yes. Is it worth it? Really no, I can put the time into being social and eventually meet women in the real world, even if it takes longer. The inevitable eventually compulsive tinder use leading to a slip is soooo not worth it. Wouldn't matter how many matches I got if I was in addiction land. (Glad to be thinking rationally again, life is about tradeoffs, I am willing to trade tinder and the small possibility of getting dates off of it, for keeping my brain totally clean and being the pmo free well adjusted person I want to be)


Just thought of what I wrote. Expanding on that. A big part of recovering from pmo is getting over the instant gratification nonsense. Real doesn't work like let me search for what I want now! Sometimes women are not available, sometimes it takes time to find a date. My desire to use tinder is linked to my instant gratification I want results/ dates faster! Mindset. So it's related to the pmo, then the mechanics of it are awful of course as well. It's super designed to be addictive.

Message to self: Patience Patience Patience. Keep plugging away, work at life, work on self, be more social, talk to girls when opportunities arise. Be patience, it takes time eventually I'll have women I am dating. Patience. Consistency. This goes for everything.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Short time just wanted to make a quick update.

Today I woke up feeling good (a good sign!, normally takes a while to get going).

Something very cool is I had an awesome dream. Some annoying things happened but I was very calm and handled them well a girl like me but in a very very non pmo way. Like a girl liked me and I wanted to know more about her and I even dreamed about doing some other things I have been learning. All seem like good signs.

So far the day has been mostly easy peasy. It's nice to have a day like this, to see what is possible. I got things done, did all the stuff I had to do because I WANTED to which was pretty amazing. I wanted to study wanted to work out, wanted to meditate etc.

Had a few pmo thoughts pop in my head, just popped in but I pushed them out, but always good to be aware of them. Sometimes specific girls remind me of something or someone from porn and are triggers. So, I'll just be aware of it.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Some more good news. (in an oddish way).

I had some of my old bad feelings popping up, get real frustrated and angry. Went out and socialized and at the end of the night was mad and felt it didn't go well. But here is where the big progress is.... I was walking into my apartment thinking how I was going to post about it and..... it just disappeared. I just felt fine, nuetral. Like "meh, I'll go out tomorrow, next time'll be better" "I'll be dating eventually".

That is just HUGE progress honestly. Like to just not keep ruminating, to feel on emotion and is passes quick and to feel ready for tomorrow ALREADY. Anyway, so a good day all in all.  I started working harder again, socializing a lot more and doing that I think is weakening my emotions.... If you are talking to people all the time, you body can only maintain anxiousness so long eventually it goes away. I think taking the emotional edge off will make it easier to socialize more and become better socially.

 

[mym8marty]

That?s awesome news! I think you make a great point about how talking to people more makes things easier, I couldn?t agree more. With just one interaction it?s easy to dwell, but if it?s one bad interaction alongside plenty of good ones you get much more comfortable continuing to seek them out.

I think your meditation is probably helping you out with the emotion regulation. Sometimes the easiest thing is to just stop feeling angry, and let it be. Like you said, next time it?ll be better.

Congrats on your progress!

 

[pichaelthompson]

I'm glad your making progress @quit, I feel the same way as a positive attitude and self-supporting outlook will help you with most things you set out to do, even if you don't get the "results" you were hoping for.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks guys! The support really helps. Today I am feeling a little less good, but reading the comments really boosted me!

I was fantasizing about the girl I went on a date with a bit this morning. It didn't escalate but that is best to avoid as it seems to throw my emotions off a bit.

I am a bit upset about an issue with a friend, he's simply been kind of mean to me lately. We lived far away for years, but his life and personality has changed a bit. I still like him, but he's a little more irratble then in the past, the last few weeks he's been pretty irritable.

I keep contacting him, thats a bad habit I have, contacting people or chasing people when they push my away. I think, I'll just take a rational middle approach, give him a week or two, not contacting him, let things cool off and stop being the one chasing the friendship.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad to hear you're chugging along. It sounds like you're doing a great job of separating yourself from the thoughts and emotions of triggers, and it really seems to be working for you! That's awesome!

Stay aware, stay committed, and keep it going!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

So, I think when rewiring I shouldn't trust my thoughts too much. Friend called me and everything was fine, I think I may have created some or much of the issue in my head.

Today going to change things up. I simply need to step back a bit and organize and clean. I keep feeling like I need to get things done and it's obsessive. I am rushing around. Today I am gonna slow things down maybe even skip a thing or two and take the time to organize and recharge.