My journal to recovery- Could use support

[pichaelthompson]

Hey man, I'm sorry for the bad night you had. I had a regretful night too, one of the girls I was talking to told my friend I was being weird and backing away while she was talking to me...and I didn't even notice it at the time. It made me feel like everything I thought I was doing to "better myself" really wasn't helping at all, and I honestly thought for 1 second that if I just did a quick PMO my head will clear up and I'll be easier to get along with. I guess a small step I took was that I reminded myself that PMO is what led to being this way in the first place! Keep your head up, all we can do is learn from the past and move forward with a positive mindset.

Great job trying to cut out fantasizing, I realized that even if my fantasies are about real women I like they are just as fake because it is about my personal image of the woman rather than the actual person...keep it up!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Bluehero:Thanks bro! I appreciate the perspective, I feel pretty bad about the fantasizing but this whole time, since starting the journal, I have been pmo free and that is something to be happy with. Instead of my usual "look for whats wrong" habit. I can just be like no pmo is great! Now I want to step it up even more and cut the fantasy out... I am motivated to handle that though, get this shit handled once and for all.......

Good point on that.... it felt the girls were reacting so badly, I didn't even question that it may not be as bad as I perceived. Also the no prospects thing, emails, it's uncanny how so many of thoughts and feelings I read from others are identical to my own. Thanks for the good vibes! I'll keep them in mind and that should help!

Pichael- I can relate to that, I can get really upset and ruminate on small social things that end up being no big deal in the end. I was just working on slowing down my speaking (I speak toooo fast) and I felt so awkward and weird. I want to focus on the big picture. I read a bit of this book by the basketball player Kobe Bryant, he said he always had the big picture in mind, he would try new moves and did not care at all if he messed up, because he knew by trying the moves he'd be a better basketball player, it just would take time  and seeing the big picture.

Yeah, I was too complacent on fantasizing and that led to my fantasizing about porn/fetishes. For me it's a big issue, like I can fantasize about it for hours, not good for the brain. So gonna tighten that stuff up.


UPDATE: Day 1 (fantasy free)- You know, I should give myself a pat on the back, got a lot of very important work done to start the day (as I planned). Read a lot, tried a few new solitary activities. Two possible new things to add in: Gratitude stuff, writing things I am grateful for and affirmations. I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea. Pre severe PMO addicition I used affirmations and found I certainly benefited.

 

[username is not available]

I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea.

I think I have the same problem
It seems like I'm blind
When women are attracted to me I just can't see it and sometimes realize it months after that a girl liked me
I feel dumb and have regrets over this..

One time a girl told me she loved me and I just ignored her cause I thought she was kidding
The thought she could actually like me didn't even cross my mind till years later

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

With you on that. Crazy how the mind works. I had an older guy who is now a ladies man type tell me how when he was younger when women looked at him he always thought it was because he had something on his face, then in his 30s he realized they were attracted to him and started dating them lol.

Well, not noticing women liking us is better then women not liking us at least....

I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea.

I think I have the same problem
It seems like I'm blind
When women are attracted to me I just can't see it and sometimes realize it months after that a girl liked me
I feel dumb and have regrets over this..

One time a girl told me she loved me and I just ignored her cause I thought she was kidding
The thought she could actually like me didn't even cross my mind till years later

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Day 2: Good day today. I  luckily had little to do. I had some withdrawals I think but was able to essentially entirely get rid of them and feel great.

I had this constant antsy feeling and my heart would not stop racing this morning. I kept listening to relaxation recordings and meditating, that helped a little. But my heart would not stop racing and I had trouble sitting still, it was bizzare this strong physical reaction that would not go away. I am talking hours straight.

But then,I went for a super super hard run. A very hard route where I wanted to stop and walk for almost the entire time. I did it with the intention and thought "if I push myself hard enough, there is no way my heart will still be racing after, the withdrawals will be gone". I just had the instinct that I just had to push myself super hard physically. So anyway, that is what I did.

In terms of a prolonged hard workout, it is the hardest I have done in a long long time. The whole time I kept thinking to myself "by pushing myself I am purging myself of the addiction and getting rid of the withdrawal".

It worked! By the end I was so tired it was impossible to feel anxious physically or mentally, I was able to really rest and read some nice books. The rest of the day, I still managed my emotions carefully (exercised more, practiced mindfulness) but really felt quite good and was able to control my emotions and thoughts for the rest of the day.

I have family visiting which'll be nice. It's possible I won't have as much time to post. But it'll be a good time.

Gonna keep on with this stuff. Cutting the fantasy is a priority. I was thinking, I really have struggled with this addiction for a loonngggg time, I likely have addiction related brain changes. It's time to really cut it out. No left overs no vestiges, no keeping it alive with fantasy.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I've definitely felt that heart racing feeling before, I think it's bc our body is used to something (PMO, fantasizing) that it thinks it needs to survive, but it is only because we conditioned it that way. Working out helps me out alot too....I kind of realized that my brain will always try to play tricks on me to get me to fantasize, so it's natural to slip up sometimes....as long as I catch myself fantasizing and go back to doing what I do, I try not to make it a big deal. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself but at the same time keep your goals clear in your head, that balance is important I think

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks bro! Very great point, goal in mind but not too hard on self. Thats a good lesson, will focus on it today. Just calmly enjoying putting in some work on my projects.

Day 3: I had some nice time with family. Started off still feeling some withdrawals, and felt bad about it since I felt I should be happier. I just sucked it up and saw my family was still super happy and did not notice, so it was nice to realize it's not all about me and they were happy so I could still have a good time. After that, I had a great time too! I get much done which I am totally fine with, but I kept up my meditating which has been AMAZING.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're making progress, meditating, cutting out fantasies, and all the rest!

It's been so great to be a part of this community and to see that the struggles I face are not unique and to see that other people are having success battling the same problems.

What you were saying about not believing that women could be attracted in you really hit home for me. It's just not something I believe could be possible, and I always have one of these three thoughts when I learn someone is interested: 1) that it's not real, 2) that they'd stop being interested as soon as they learn about my struggle with PMO, or 3) that I'm not interested back and why can't I find someone that I'm interested in who's also interested in me? None of those are very helpful thoughts, probably. But that's where I am. Our addicted brains sure have done a number on us.

Let's all hang in there! We'll get it all worked out in time

 

[pichaelthompson]

That's nice you got some family time, always good to be around people that support you unconditionally! I'm totally with you on the "wishing I was happier" feeling, that was me most of last weekend. The fact that you were able to still have a good time regardless shows alot of mental strength and resilience which will definitely pay off in the future. Keep it up!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks Guys! Really appreciate the kind words and can relate.

A big one for me, I think is finding the right balance in terms of not being hard on myself. I want to be easier on myself BUT at the same time be disciplined and control what I can control. I.E not skip out on things I don't want to do that are good for me. I am really enjoying the mindfulness and like how I am aware of my emotions.

I got quite upset about something, but decided to go dance for a bit and felt way better! Just passed a bar didn't worry about anyone else and just danced and felt better! It's not specific to dancing, I am enjoying this essentially new found ability to be like wow, my emotions are crazy! Then take an action that is healthy to fix them.

Then I told a less supportive family member about something I was excited about.... and he just poked holes in it telling me everything that could go wrong and downplaying it etc..... so I was upset again, but I called a calm friend who luckily picked up and I feel much better now.

This is some key stuff. I can't 100% of the time always get rid of my emotions and will have to deal with them, but it's nice to have healthy coping methods, the withdrawal has me pretty emotional but I am glad that I can get super super upset recognize it, then take actions that I know will make it better.

For me it is: 1) Just recognize it! Don't think about it. 2) Be soft on self, I left an event a little early cause I saw my mind and mood going down the drain + getting irritable. A second part is to let it go... like my mind is thinking "never talk to this person again!" "never go to this club again etc!" just to forget that and move on to step three (to calm the mind first).

3) Do a healthy action I know helps me.
Exercise
Dance
Go for a walk
Look at something pretty like a tree or the water
Call a positive friend (if available)
Swim (have a pool!) big one!

So I can take one of these actions and feel way better! It's like calm the emotion first, then get more stuff done. Not making any decisions or taking actions while in that bad state.

 

[pichaelthompson]

That sounds like a really good 3-step plan! Yeah it sucks sometimes when we feel like we have no control over our emotions, and it often seems to happen at the worst/inopportune times. I guess these moments in life are inevitable, but on the bright side they will come and then pass, like a rainy cloud covering up the sun; the sun will shine soon enough with enough care for yourself. Keep up the good work!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I'm with you in being in a weird emotional spot. For some reason I've been feeling nervous almost all the time the last few weeks. I think a lot of it is school related, but I've also had some weird social things lately because of a breakup last year. That relationship just wasn't right for me, but she's been pretty weird about it since.

Definitely going to be more deliberate about following a plan like yours to deal with these emotions. They've been going crazy, and I know they're related to the urges I've been feeling the last couple days. My brain knows that PMO can make me numb for a while, so it's doing its best to take care of me, but not this time! I'll work on finding healthier outlets for my feelings, like dancing!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for the encouragement guys! I really ought to stop on this forum a bit more consistently, sometimes I am on a few times in a day then miss a few days. So much good knowledge I forgot!

Anyway two days ago was imperfect, I was fantasizing about a girl a bit and had some brief fetish fantasies pop into my head. But did not engage with them and pulled my self out of it..... still as we know, this is always something to watch.

Happily, I pulled myself out of it and today was much better. I realize a big issue there, was I was very underslept. It was wonderful to see family but it through off my sleep schedule, it effected me a good bit.

Bluehero- I am with you on the anxiety, I think it's related to this. I have heard many stories of people trying to check there phones less, it takes awhile but they realize that they get an anxious feeling before checking the phone.... So they have phone addictions, porn addictions are more powerful... It seems to me addiction or at least these digitial ones, hijack our fight/flight/anxiety system and use anxiety to get us to engage in the nonsense.

Doesn't mean those situations aren't actually stressful, but I bet the addiction/ withdrawal may make it worse.

Today: A very good day! I set some small goals for the day. Goals that were not just get this done or get that. Real tangible goals and I achieved them! I have a date tonight ( I think!) a bit nervous and my mind is trying to talk me out of it. (She is not really into you) (It'll be a waste of time) (It's not really a date) (You'll spend money and be pissed after).

But fuck the thoughts, I'll just go and have fun. It'll either be a good date or I'll learn and up my social skills

 

[pichaelthompson]

Hell yeah, congrats on the date! I think every guy pretty much has those thoughts about a first date, it helps me to remember that I'll never really know what the girl is thinking; and honestly that's for the best if it allows me to just be me, and whatever happens after that happens.

I'm also with you on the forum consistency; I don't want to abuse it and check 10x a day as a crutch for my urges, but at the same time don't want to abandon it and get too cocky/lose my vigilance. For me, I'm thinking a range of 2x a day at most, and once every 2 days at least is consistent but allows for some flexibility as well

 

[Do or die]

I am at day 5 today. Please tell if you have nightfall problem.

 

[LeanAndBop]

Hey Quit,

Hope your date went well, I can relate massively to the nerves/negative thoughts that can arise before such a situation.

Lack of sleep has a big impact on me also.

Peace,
Bop

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks Pichael, that is a great idea I am going to aim to stick to that. every other or twice max.

Thanks bop! Good to hear that, whenever I realize a lot of people have these thoughts, it makes me realize they are actually less likely to be accurate, they are just a natural mental quirk I guess.


Anyway, we ended up rescheduling the date for today. I let her plan the date and the place was about to close lol. We realized at the last minute then tried to reschedule.... I was then sure I'd never see her again. I was sitting in my apartment being upset about it, but then.... I remember a book I read and it was talking about how optimistic people, spend less time ruminating and more time just trying to fix the situation. So I was like fuck it, I'll at least try and take some action.

I called the girl and she definetly seemed still into me and even nervous when she asked me to reschedule for tomorrow (today) so the plan is to see her tonight. Wow, glad I did that. I was sure we were done for.

Oddly I got a girls number yestarday, but she has not responded to my texts. Truthfully THAT girl (the one whos number I got) is not one I want to date. She seemed very off. Sometimes I think I go for girls who are off and weird because I guess I feel weird and feel like those are the girls I can get. That is a mistake. Oh well, I have some worry since she works in an area I like to hang out and I wish I hadn't connected with her at all. BUT, I have found my worries are very often unfounded. It'll prob be fine, just say hi to her if we see each other and keep it moving.

The positive is: I have a date tonight in a much better situation, much more certainly a date with the same girl that I actually do like... and now I know, no matter what happens this girl DEFINITELY likes me. No doubt about it. So, pretty cool girls can like me for sure. Still feel like I am battling my own mind though (that other girl I met yesterday was weird, this girl probably has something wrong with her as well).

Oh well. I have some cool stuff to work on later today so I'll enjoy that

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Way to be! I hope your date goes well.

I think it's cool too that you're recognizing what you aren't looking for in a girl. I know I end up thinking a lot that I'm so messed up that I'd just be lucky to have any girl be interested in me. But that's the wrong attitude. It doesn't reflect who I really am or who I'm working on becoming.

So don't let your addiction trick you into thinking you deserve less than you really do deserve! Good luck!

 

[pichaelthompson]

I couldn't of said it any better myself, @BlueHeronFan! I get so needy and desperate for any girl when I used to PMO, but now I'm starting more to think about what I want to look for in a potential partner, someone I can grow with...that doesn't mean it has to be set in stone, but that also means standards should be raised. Good luck on your date @Quitforeverthenwin!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks so much for all of the support guys! I just finished the date, it was a learning experience. Looking at the big picture REALLY helped. It it was so helpful coming back and reading these comments. Like I wanted the girl really bad and felt like she was so great and then it ended, but then I come back and read the comments and it's like "oh yeah" there is a lot more to life. I've been reading you guys journals and getting support from you for weeks now... this girl I just met LITERALLY YESTERDAY!

It reminds me it's about the path, any one girl is not that important (until she becomes important! Like after years or something). Knowing a girl for a few days is no biggie.


So here's what happened from the beginning :

I set some dating goals for myself this month and I wanted to make that happen. I basically just talked to tons of girls yesterday, this one really liked me. Big for me, was letting it happen. We had the date planned for yesterday and it was moved.

I should mention: She is on vacation so a relationship was not in the cards no matter what....
She also texted me pre date. She could not stay long...

This girl obviously really liked me. We got to the bar, we talked. She was asking about getting a cocktail or something. I don't drink so she didn't order and we went to the beach. (I live in a waarrmmm city). (This may have been a mistake, next time just get club soda, the girl doesn't drink cause I don't then we had nothing to do.....). She was touching me a lot and initiating physical contact which is cool.

I took her to the beach. We went to these nice rocks but some dude had a headlamp on and was like searching for something lol. It creeped her out. I brought her to some other rocks I sat, eventually she came near me. We sort of kissed for two seconds and a giant wave hit us, we kept going, then another HUGE wave like went totally over us! We were like 15 feet from the water, it was some tidal wave shit lol.

So our kiss ended like literally as our lips had just touched lol.

My back is soaked, she is soaked. She starts saying she has to go soon. lol (I think she had said that earlier).

It was odd, she kept saying she had to go but was touching me. We kissed more. Then as we were walking she ordered an uber, said she'd see me soon and that she was leaving tomorrow (see me soon??)

I was a little lame, and was trying to convince her to come hang out where I lived. ( I didn't really know where else to take her). I am not even sure if I was ready for sex but really wanted the female company and to cuddle etc. Then her uber came super fast and that was that. She kept touching me a lot and saying she wanted to stay then suddenly she totally stopped was gone. (my brain is like: she just came to be a tease and get an ego boost!) Goddamn my fucking brain! I sort of believe that, she obviously DID like me, she may have just been conflicted or put off by my poor date management/ bringing her to headlamp creep and tidal waves lol.

Hmmmm.

You know, man life is a lot more complicated then pmo lol. I have had the tendency to get real down after knowing I won't see a girl again but.... I put things in perspective. I made out with a really pretty cool and that was fun! I got some rewiring in, so if sex does happen I am wayyy more prepared! AND I hadn't been on a real date in like forever. It takes time. Like movies have all this romance shit, you just meet the right girl etc, but at the end of the day, imo I gotta go on dates to get comfortable on dates. So, go on a few, do my best to meet girls and when I am running dates better (No waves, places to go; become MORE COMFORTABLE) I'll be dating girls!

Writing this I actually appreciate it a bit. The bad part is it happened so fast, it was like the blink of the eye and the girls gone. But man, thats some cool shit. I went on a date with a hot girl who was into me. We talked about ourselves, we started kissing on the beach and got hit with a damn tidal wave lol. The real world is not as controlled or instantgratification as online land but it's way better.

Now, the thing is... KEEP IT UP! Keep doing all the right things, be aware of a chaser effect that could happen from the sexuality and aim to keep meeting girls (though not as my number one priority) so that I can hopefully go on dates moderately consistently in order to know what the fuck I am doing lol (and then have all the good stuff real connection (That is built) real sex etc.

Gonna read a bit and use this as momentum and push myself tomorrow!