My journal to recovery- Could use support

[pichaelthompson]

I'm totally with you on not trusting thoughts, I've been thinking alot about the idea of having a positive relationship with the thoughts in my head like you are a separate entity. Sometimes it's important to reign in thoughts and be like "whoa, that's completely irrational" but sometimes it's okay to agree with thoughts and support the ideS that come. It's a process of finding out which ones to connect with and which ones to let go of, but it's definitely something we can improve upon through practice and experience!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I simply need to step back a bit and organize and clean. I keep feeling like I need to get things done and it's obsessive. I am rushing around. Today I am gonna slow things down maybe even skip a thing or two and take the time to organize and recharge.

This is such a good idea. I don't know if I've ever had a problem with relapses when my place was organized. Most likely, it just means that messiness in my house and sloppiness in my habits go together with being busy and stressed out. Taking some time to put your surroundings in order is a big thing that I know I overlook a lot of the time.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great points guys!

Yeah Picahel,  I forget sometimes that my mind is wrong all the time, the key is picking out the good with the bad. Minds are by nature not totally rational and effected by past irrelevant things and moods.

Blue: Yeah, I have heard a few times. The external is a reflection of the internal! I organized a bit, it was a help for sure. Still more to do.


Update: So last two days I was fantasizing about girl I went on date with and ex girlfriend. Gonna cut that shit out, it definitely seems to harm focus and increase urges.

I have been super tired. Took it easy today, felt bad for most of it but FINALLY feeling better. I really just needed rest. I have been treating hobbies like jobs, that is the wrong way to go. One of my hobbies I did just to keep busy, I didn't enjoy it much but like decided I had to become great at it. I think fuck it, I am gonna drop the hobby. Maybe do it here and there. I felt a million times better when I made that decision, as I was dreading going and had to go tonight lol.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I'm glad you were able to let go of something that wasn't making you happy! Alot of what I've learned in meditation is not to "build up" this image of ourselves as strong and determined people, but instead letting go of distractions so we can tap into our innate qualities of peace and focus.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Damn bro that is a great insight! It hits the nail on the head accurately. I have been thinking I have to work so hard and everything is a result of my hard work instead of accepting that hey, maybe I have natural ability sometimes or maybe things can happen without trying so hard.

A good bit happened the last few days. 1) The bad I fantasized about the fetish. 2) The good, I met an amazing girl we had this great connection and we hooked up.  3) The bad, something must of gone wrong and now she basically told me we wouldn't see each other again and now is ignoring me and I am a bit heart broken  lol. Such is life I guess....


1) The bad- I fantasized about fetish stuff, two nights ago and yesterday morning. For me that is a clock reset.
ANY fantasizing about sex in my bed is bad, I have now found if I fantasize about sex in bed, imagine a girl is there etc. eventually I end up fantasizing about the fetish stuff... (Which I consider a lapse). Again the positive is still no porn or masturbation so I am progressing. But now moving forward I am 100% no more of that shit at all. No fantasy addiction. Be massively careful about fantasizing about girls in bed really, just cut it out.

My fantasy REALLY affects my erection quality and recovery. I want my damn dick to work and all that good stuff. The way to do it is be totally clean, not to prove anything not to have a perfect reboot but because that is what gets the results I want, being recovered having a working dick and getting the

2) I have been letting go of a lot. I had all these hobbies I was treating like jobs. I thought I had to do so much, I was actually neglecting my career, had no space for dating and was getting messy. I have been giving myself much less daily requirements. On Tuesday I did not work until evening and I realized "hey, I actually don't HAVE to do anything" so I rested (still had a cold) wrote a bit, just sat around thinking. I felt tight and was like "I wish I could go to yoga class" then I was like "HEY! I can just go do yoga myself in the park.

I go to the park do a bit of yoga, it felt good. Walking back I notice behind me this very attractive girl. (Previously I had been putting so much effort into learning to be good with women, I read an article that said basically guys think it's hard to meet girls and overcomplicate it and then it becomes hard). Anyway, this girl was very attractive, looked un attainable. I thought whatever I'll give it a go. I just said some random thing about a bird that flew by. She stopped and we talked. She was going to go for a walk. I said let's walk together.

We did, then we decided to go for a swim, it was great. We had a ton in common I was pretty amazed by her and was thinking like "omg this is the girl I've been looking for".

We spent a few hours together it felt like a whole day. I lent her a book, we decided to see each other at night after work.

We saw each other, we walked talked connected. I took her to DIFFERENT rocks this time (at the beach) and the tide was lower. So we kissed and held each other (no tidal wave!) and we kept telling each other how much we liked each other and how amazing this was and I was telling her how beautiful she was..... Unfourtunately honestly I did not feel as aroused or present as I'd like....

Brought her home. We were in bed kissing, I was kissing her all over. Now FUCK PORN and FANTASY. The fantasy affects my erection almost as much as porn.... for real. That stuff is the devil.  My erection quality was pretty shitty. Coming and going.

Then turns out she is a virgin..... We tried several times and talked about it a lot (mistake). She would get nervous each time we tried and eventually I felt a bit of a "shift" like the connection wasn't the same.

In the morning..... she was really sweet but then I went to take off her shorts and she said she should go. As she left she said "if I don't see you, good luck with everything" and gave me a peck. (Basically telling me I'd never see her again). I could tell right away she  never wanted to see me again. Now she's ignored me and has my awesome book lol.

Oh well, I feel better having written about it. I felt like this girl was soo amazing but writing about it, it seems so much less significant and man... it was only one day we spent together! If it could flip that fast it couldn't be THAT special. She was on vacation here anyway. I think I was a bit needy and felt like if we had sex for her first time we'd have this great connection and all that good stuff.

So I spoke to some friends who are great with women and here's what I gathered.

1) I made things a big deal. - Talking about her being a virgin over and over. Regardless of what she says. Makes her uncomfortable.
2) When a girl is a virgin, you basically ask "want to have sex?" she normally says no or " not this time" and you just go to sleep. She'll wake you if she wants to do anything. Basically I should have just slowed down more, been more laid back and finally...
3) This may be super important! My erections kind of sucked and came and went, even when not having sex.... This may have been a huge deal (as we all know.....) I did not mention this point to my friends..... So the lesson there is NO FANTASY. I am gonna aim to choose to make this a positive and use it as motivation to totally cut out all fantasy and imagining girls etc. when I do that I get morning wood all the time. When I've done that and been with a girl after about two weeks, my dick has worked. I realize for me, accuracy beats duration..... totally cutting out everything porn sex fantasy etc. has my dick working. A slight drip, like a little fantasy etc. even if done for months and my dick doesn't work too well. Even when I had a girlfriend and was rewired when I fantasized about fetishes my erections were pretty bad the next few days. Oh well... maybe this event is the motivation I needed.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER BELOW (I mention an act we did, not in detail).

She did give me a blowjob, it took forever to cum and I didn't feel too too much. But, I can view that as a win. This girl was really attractive by any guys standards... thats pretty cool this happened. AND my mind kept trying to jump to weird fetish thoughts and wanted me to ask her to engage in crazy fetish crap but I pushed all the thoughts out and was just present. In  my experience I need to be with a girl/ have sex a few times and before the thoughts go away. Okay, I am ALL IN on this reboot. I want this dick working, I want to enjoy this times with these girls. I want to have this thing DONE and handled.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Day 2:

Well a decent indicator. Yesterday I was at the beach and was talking to a woman in the water, it was super wavy. A big wave hit us and popped out her breast. We both laughed about it. But... I got a full on erection immediately that lasted for several minutes. It didn't feel like compulsive porney or trigger. like it was very much attraction to the real woman. So perhaps, the liason with the other girl helped my rewiring/ woke me up to real women more.....

I went out with my friend last night, had a great time and got some work done after. Went to sleep late and still woke up early before my alarm.... Very tired today, but been just accepting it. I had a good time! People do that all the time have fun etc. and just are tired the next day. So cool how I am handling it, having a fairly good day. Would like to get a girl/girls back in my life though!

But, LIFE comes first. Gotta bring that back on track, working to get the women in there but having a great hell of a time either way.

 

[pichaelthompson]

Glad you were able to have a positive experience with a couple women, that is definitely progress! I'm definitely jealous of your ability to approach and talk to any woman haha, and I totally feel you on wanting a consistent woman in my life.

In the past I have often initiated sex when it wasn't the vibe. Part of it for me is my insecurity in not being interesting or fun enough to consistently "deserve" to be around her...so I use sex as a way to make it worth her time to be around me. I'm not saying this has anything to do with you, just maybe think about why you are doing/thinking certain things, in other words question your thoughts and actions when you are unsure or unhappy with them.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're still on your way.

I'm not saying this has anything to do with you, just maybe think about why you are doing/thinking certain things, in other words question your thoughts and actions when you are unsure or unhappy with them.

Whether it applies to you or not, I think this is definitely something worth thinking about. I know I think a lot about how I want to be in a relationship...but is that because I'm really ready for one or because I want to prove to myself that I'm ready for one? I'd hate to force a relationship or uncomfortable situation on some poor girl just because I'm trying to prove something to myself. Anyway, that's just what popped in my head just now. If it's helpful, use it. If not, thanks for letting me take up space in your journal to think it through for myself.  ;D

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Picah: Man, I think you are right! Oddly, I had the thought "if we don't have sex, I will never see her again". It became a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy.... I thought that, and it really effected the vibe and how I acted. Still a journey.... gotta learn to accept girls liking me.

Bluehero: Haha, it's always good to have food for thought..... Both of your thoughts really make sense about the situation. I felt 1) I had to have sex with her to see her again, for her to be connected with me. and 2) I did not have a strong physical desire for sex.... it's was just like a " I should have sex" thing. My body wasn't ready at that time.....

Wow, thanks for the thoughts guys, these two thoughts hit the nail on the head 1000% accurately so I am really learning from it.....

Both new ideas can work together:

Realize I don't need to use the sex to enjoy the company of women.
Not NEED to have sex, be more patient, let my body rewire.

Still sad about this girl, oh well......

Gotta just use it to gain the learning's, so I'll be ready for the next time. My mind is like "this girl is really special and we had a special connection, I will always miss her and never meet any girl anything like her". But.... It may be hard to remember now, but I am sure I have felt that before. I feel sure I am right this time, BUT I do remember being more upset over girls in the past....

It will be nice, to FINALLY just get it done and have good connections with girls. BUT, can't make life all about that and it probably won't happen right now. Going to read a nice novel and have an easy morning as well

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Fuck guys, I need to get it together. I fantasized about my fetish last night and this morning, not as bad at last time but still..... seems like some momentum lost..... Plus now my dick looks like I was in a cold pool, all turtled and dead for real. Crazy how the body physically responds to this stuff.

Okay, back to basics I think. I've been a little arrogant I guess..... my urges have actually been much weaker BUT I have been staying in bed when I have urges, I can get away with it for a night (not good to do but I guess it shows I am healing more....) but I have fantasized about the fetishes twice this week, super bad....

Anyway, taking a step back. I will set a goal, rebuild the momentum. My goal: Get through the rest of the month without any fantasy about the fetishes.

Action steps: Review the smart book (which I have not done in sometime)
Be more vigilant about handling cravings. (It's nice I can usually brush them off, but it's time to get back on the grind a bit, actively beat down this addiction)
Have a stronger night plan. Off computer (it's been for useful stuff mostly) by 12:00 (including work!) and READ; NOT IN BED until tired.
Do more cardio exercise again.

I was sick for awhile and I believe that contributed to me performing less well. Especially not doing cardiovascular exercise, thats like the core for me.


Simple, going back to what works.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

It's good to be back on the grind! Doing things the right way. Had a little very weak urge/ sexual thought. So I got up and distracted myself. I got a few girls numbers today. So just gonna be careful about not checking phone too much. Some of the girls being flakey. You know what, I am seeing a friend tonight, who cares? If girls show up they show up... if they don't, they don't.

 

[mym8marty]

I think a good way to approach the no-fantasy goal would be to define to yourself what counts as breaking that rule. Does the thought of the fantasy popping into your head out of nowhere count? I would say no, probably no, because that?s not your fault. But purposefully indulging and exploring that thought would be crossing the line. This way, you can almost be proud of yourself for dodging the thoughts when they come to mind, like if the thought comes into your mind you can consciously dismiss it and do something to distract yourself. Otherwise, you could  be unjustly punishing yourself for something out of your control.

If this is already how you were thinking about this, I just think it?s super helpful to mentally frame things like this. Glad to hear about your last update though! Sounds like you?re doing really well socially and for yourself.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I 100% agree with Marty, I think progress comes from gently guiding your thoughts away from the urges when they pop up. I think it helps to have a variety of ways to do this, both physical (exercise, dancing, hobbies, etc.) and mental (focusing on the breath, fully tuning into your 5 senses, finding self-motivating and positive thoughts). The more ways you can do that, and the more consistently you are able to do it, the easier this reboot will be

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Great points guys! Marty, that is a super great point. I do look at it the way you described but the reminder is very useful.... I am going to make the line a little but harder. Popping up is fine, but no indulgence at all. No gray area. It pops into head, no problem get away, but don't indulge consciously at all.

Picah, thanks makes sense! I am transitioning a bit now, so that is a good reminder. Some things I am changing, but at the same time, certain things work that I want to remember more.... Swimming when I had an urge was HUGE. My pool was being repaired for a little while, so I lost the habit. Now I can go back to that. You know, I couldn't place my finger on it but really, in some ways I feel like I did when my journal just started (thought not quite as bad). Like I am transitioning, figuring out how to replace my habits. It's a little deja vu ish.


Update: So, I had what would sound like a pretty crazy day. I was upset. But, man I think I FINALLY did just what I needed (last few weeks have been odd). I had a legitimately hard workout, lifting heavy weights, anaerobic exercise. Just channeling all my anger (I got screwed out of some money and lost a job today lol luckily I am starting another job so it's really no biggie, but the emotions were still there) into the weights and hitting a heavy bag. Man I feel so so much better.

i had backslined a little, was checking my phone a lot, seems none of the girls are responsive I was feeling down about it.... But lesson learned you really gotta feel good first girl or no girl. At the most basic level I felt tired but I had this anxious/angry energy lately I didn't even notice it. I felt so tired but did triple my normal workout, so clearly I had the energy, at least emotionally.

What a nice release I feel, it's so powerful that it is odd. Definetly a great replacement for PMO. Just super duper intense exercise.

I should note (if I haven't already) I was training to be a professional athlete when I was younger, exercising hours and hours a day. I had a pmo problem but it got REALLY bad after I got hurt.... So I think my body is used to/ needs the tons of intense exercise. The key is finding ways to exert myself without hurting self or re injuring self.

I have a lot to do next few days. I do need to make the new job work and there is a little pressure, so gotta just dedicate tomorrow to preparing my ass off.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

My thoughts are quite very negative at the moment. Sigh.... a real bummer. I am thinking like what can I do to change it? etc. You know, I think I just need to chill a bit and let things happen of their own accord. Maybe I just need some extra sleep tonight and thats it.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

So I need my voice for a presentation TEST for my new job. It's a public speaking related job I want bad. And it's all about this test. My throat had been sore, I need to practice and I have now lost my voice. I feel like the universe is conspiring against me and I should give up on life right now lol.

I think I also may have burned another bridge with a girl. I want this job pretty bad and am now unemployed. I am kind of shocked at how bad things are going. Like, I was really down. But then I started busting my ass to prep for this job. Like " I am gonna prep for this so hard and make it happen!" Then my voice went, like I was pushing through pain, now my voice just went....

It's wild like in a day everything went wrong. Every girl is gone. I still miss the one from last week. I have no income source, may have issues making rent (in this new dream city I've been in).

Well, the good part is I wrote about it, so I guess I'll have to figure something out and make things work. Honestly I'd just feel plain bad to have this whole journal and end by like turning into a smelly homless guy masturabting to porn in the library or something lol Probably wouldn't be very inspiring to those who read it.

Reboot fuck yeah!!!! Nice I met the woman who I think I'll love.... oh shit she doesn't want to talk to me.... I am rebounding! Oh shit nevermind. I moved to my dream city.... oh wait my bad I am unemployed and so sad I went back to porn and spent my last money on a prostitute and now I am homless...... the end  so yeah gonna avoid that.... guess I will just read the damn presentation mentally as much as I can and hopefully find some strong ass antiobiotics or any kind of fucking drug to just make that presentation happen. Clutch time. Gotta get it done

 

[BlueHeronFan]

You're thinking in the right direction. Stick with the grind and stay committed!

Sorry to hear things are sort of hitting the fan. If it helps at all, I feel like these have been some of the worst couple months I can remember having. Weird how things start getting worse when I start living better. But I know I'm on the right track, so I won't give up.

We'll get through this garbage together, all of it! Sending good vibes your way, man!

 

[mym8marty]

You might be able to reach out to the people offering the job and ask to move the interview to a week later or so given the condition of your voice. This isn?t always possible obviously and it would be better to do the interview with the shitty voice than to not do it at all, but if they are willing to work with you you would have your voice back and have had some additional time to practice.

Also you might want to consider not reaching out to girls when you?re in a bad mood. Not only can it affect your chances of it going well (your bad mood will pretty easily show through your words) but if you are turning to it in times of negative thinking then it could be a sign you?re replacing porn with texting girls? Not saying this for sure but it?s something to consider. Overall just try to save it for when you?re in a more positive headspace.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I've definitely had really low points in my life, to the point where I visualized myself being a complete loser...no school, no job, no friends, no interest in anything, overweight. It was really tough to change that mindset but got positive momentum by just doing things that I knew could have a positive impact in my life, even if I didn't have ANY desire to do them whatsoever...eventually I started to realize that no matter how bad things are, and how bad you feel, you can always make a positive impact on your situation in some way or another. Even if it's just sitting and meditating, or taking a nap if you're stressed lol.

Going through this reboot takes serious strength and willpower...If you can get through this you can find a way to let all the past girls go and do what you can to nail the interview, or reschedule it and nail it later. Like you said, it's clutch time!

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Thanks for all the support guys! I prepped like crazy and drugged myself up on over the counter stuff and felt ready to crush the presentation and.... it got moved to monday (with no prompting on my part lol). I don't have the job yet but things are looking really good. Nearly everyone at the company has told me they like me and are hoping I get hired ( you have to perform on the presentation or they won't take you even if they don't like you). But I am training for the presentation like it's fucking Rocky 3 lol. I found out a bunch of other people are presenting for the job too, I felt awful. But funny I feel really happy right now. I just was like you know? Why get upset? I'll just do whatever it takes to get the job.... then it doesn't matter and there is no reason to be upset or stressed.

Like I can be stressed and upset that I am sick, stressed and upset that there are others competing for it. But if I just already decided that I am going to outwork everyone and do whatever is necessary to get the job, then I have nothing to be upset about and that is what I am doing.

So feeling good.

Bluehero: Thanks for the good vibes man, it's good to hear someone else is going through shit and going strong! Sometimes stuff can flip so fast! If I get this job, I'll be earning more then I ever have in my life before without working too many hours. Same can happen in a lot of areas, there may be some turning point with pmo where suddenly our moods are like 10% better and we are 20% calmer, little percentage but they could add up to wayyyy better performance in life.

Marty: Thanks for pointing that out..... about the texting. I think you are right. My issue with reboot has been replacement behaviors. I really appreciate having stuff like this pointed out, I think you are accurate. Compulsively checking texts, using it as some bs slot machine. Gotta do it when I am chill and with CONTROL. I am going to aim to write about my texting or other habits in the journal more so you guys can let me know if you see bad patterns, so it can be shut down before it gets out of hand. As I write I want to check my phone for NO reason. So gonna not look at it tonight at all.

Picah: For sure! Yeah I had all this shit going on. I have just been busting my ass working really hard and honestly I feel damn good. It's weird I just kind of lost myself in hard work today, doing everything I could to improve my life and I feel damn good right now. I finished with a workout even though I felt exhausted but I still had a good workout and now feel great.

A big shift for me: I had this OCD like obsession with improvement and "daily tasks". Like I gotta meditate every day, write in a journal everyday, visualize everyday. Now this stuff all may be good. But at what point am I ready to get RESULTS. I always built these days that had hours of self-improvement in them. It feels good to just be like screw it and go all in to get an actual result in the real world. Hope that makes sense... Just accepting like okay I am ready to get results in my life. Not in a negative entitled way. Just basically spending the day working to succeed rather then working to change/ improve.