Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
Same here! Hope your doing good! Stay strong and if worst comes to worst, you can always get back on the horse.
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A new beginning
- Thread starter pichaelthompson
- Start date
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Oh man I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted....sorry about that! I've been staying at a friends house cause he left yesterday and I don't know the next time I'll see him, so I was just hanging with him and other people and pretty much never had my laptop out. I think things are getting better; I feel generally pretty positive, no huge feelings of sadness and despair, but also not really times I've been super excited or elated about anything. I guess this is just what reality is 99% of the time for healthy people, and maybe I'm okay with that. Of course, I still have tendencies to want huge swings in emotion, wether it is sadness or happiness...I honestly think porn was more of a symptom of that than a cause. Now I just really want to connect more with people, both old and new, but I am also willing to be patient and wait for the right opportunities.
Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
Man that is so great! Really glad you are doing well. Was wondering about you! That is awesome and like you said feeling pretty good with out emotional swings is probably best case scenario for a healthy way of being!
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
That's awesome! Glad you're back and glad that you were away for a really good reason; real people win over internet people any day lol.
You know, I've been thinking about my feelings a lot lately, too. I think on a scale from 0 (crazy sad) to 10 (crazy happy), I have sort of averaged out at around a 4 or 5 the last few months without much variation. And I've been wondering about that because I feel like I have been having more success in recovery than anytime recently that I can remember, so I expect to feel better than I do. Now that I don't have the crazy swings of PMO highs and regret lows, things are just flatter. And, like you, maybe I'm okay with that. Maybe that's just what healthy life is like. I could probably afford to bring my average up a little closer to happiness side of the line, but it's probably a good thing to be learning how to just have the feelings we're having without chasing big mood swings like before.
Just some rambling (since that's what I seem to do best). Seriously glad to see you're doing well!
You know, I've been thinking about my feelings a lot lately, too. I think on a scale from 0 (crazy sad) to 10 (crazy happy), I have sort of averaged out at around a 4 or 5 the last few months without much variation. And I've been wondering about that because I feel like I have been having more success in recovery than anytime recently that I can remember, so I expect to feel better than I do. Now that I don't have the crazy swings of PMO highs and regret lows, things are just flatter. And, like you, maybe I'm okay with that. Maybe that's just what healthy life is like. I could probably afford to bring my average up a little closer to happiness side of the line, but it's probably a good thing to be learning how to just have the feelings we're having without chasing big mood swings like before.
Just some rambling (since that's what I seem to do best). Seriously glad to see you're doing well!
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Thanks for sticking with me even though I seemingly abandoned y'all @blueheronfan and @quitforeverandwin! @Blue yes real life is more important than online, but being on here impacts how I am in the real world, so I kind of see it as an extension of the real world, a safe space to figure things out and apply ideas to the real world in hopes of improving the lives of myself and others.
Okay day, not super productive but that's okay, still got a decent workout and some decent practice. I had to make a facebook account for this audition training program which has been great so far bc you get to connect with other likeminded people from around the world, but the simple fact of having account first led me to look up people I haven't seen in awhile, then start looking for people I barely knew but were super attractive. I didn't get any huge urges or anything, just felt bad and super creepy since I never interacted with them in real life.
I have been playing past life events in my head recently where I feel like I missed a big opportunity, wether it is a potential relationship, a potential experience for personal growth, or anything else positive...I tend to get totally consumed by these thoughts because my brain tells me that I could've been such a different person (for the better) than I am right now. I feel that as I get older, my social skills get increasingly more dull, and I'm just trying to slow down the inevitable. I know that these thoughts suck and don't make any sense...I plan to take small steps every day to let go of this narrative. One thing I try to tell myself is that the present is the only thing that matters and you should make the most of it, but the more I do that it feels that the inevitable slip-up (since it's impossible to be totally in the moment %100 of the time) makes the regrets for the past even stronger. Perhaps I am not looking at the bigger picture behind all of this...hopefully there will be a breaking point where the thoughts about the past get weaker rather than stronger if I just keep trying to live out the teachings from my meditation. As you can probably tell, it's a confusing time for me lol, partly bc I am in a really solid routine that I feel good about and there are no big problems, but something just feels off, and I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it's something that can't be put into words, maybe there is a part of me that I either don't know or haven't seen in the "right perspective." For now, just gunna shrug my shoulders and soldier on
I will try super hard to be on here seven days a week even if I'm staying at a friends place without my laptop, I can always use my phone. I genuinely appreciate the support from y'all, but unfortunately due to my self-esteem issues I often don't realize that I have a positive effect being on here and posting consistently. The fact that I am helping others is more than enough reason to post here every day, or every other day at the very least. I tend to isolate myself and I guess that tendency also drifted towards this online community, which speaks to my lack of understanding of what this community is all about.
Okay day, not super productive but that's okay, still got a decent workout and some decent practice. I had to make a facebook account for this audition training program which has been great so far bc you get to connect with other likeminded people from around the world, but the simple fact of having account first led me to look up people I haven't seen in awhile, then start looking for people I barely knew but were super attractive. I didn't get any huge urges or anything, just felt bad and super creepy since I never interacted with them in real life.
I have been playing past life events in my head recently where I feel like I missed a big opportunity, wether it is a potential relationship, a potential experience for personal growth, or anything else positive...I tend to get totally consumed by these thoughts because my brain tells me that I could've been such a different person (for the better) than I am right now. I feel that as I get older, my social skills get increasingly more dull, and I'm just trying to slow down the inevitable. I know that these thoughts suck and don't make any sense...I plan to take small steps every day to let go of this narrative. One thing I try to tell myself is that the present is the only thing that matters and you should make the most of it, but the more I do that it feels that the inevitable slip-up (since it's impossible to be totally in the moment %100 of the time) makes the regrets for the past even stronger. Perhaps I am not looking at the bigger picture behind all of this...hopefully there will be a breaking point where the thoughts about the past get weaker rather than stronger if I just keep trying to live out the teachings from my meditation. As you can probably tell, it's a confusing time for me lol, partly bc I am in a really solid routine that I feel good about and there are no big problems, but something just feels off, and I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it's something that can't be put into words, maybe there is a part of me that I either don't know or haven't seen in the "right perspective." For now, just gunna shrug my shoulders and soldier on
I will try super hard to be on here seven days a week even if I'm staying at a friends place without my laptop, I can always use my phone. I genuinely appreciate the support from y'all, but unfortunately due to my self-esteem issues I often don't realize that I have a positive effect being on here and posting consistently. The fact that I am helping others is more than enough reason to post here every day, or every other day at the very least. I tend to isolate myself and I guess that tendency also drifted towards this online community, which speaks to my lack of understanding of what this community is all about.
Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
Well, from what I gather from the post, you are regretting some things from the past and feeling off about some of what you are doing... but you are doing the right things now. From the outside, that seems like a good place to be.... Perhaps it just takes time to get comfortable with the new better routines so our subconcious sort of trys to trip us up for a bit. I remember reading that, any change even positive ones go through growing pains.
pichaelthompson
Active Member
That's a good way to think about it, Quit! It kinda reminds me of when I had my growth spurt, I was this tiny little kid and then over the next 2 years I grew like 7 inches, it was painful (especially on the hips and knees for some reason) but in the end I was average/above average in height and feeling great!
I feel good about where I'm at mentally. While my brain does drift to the past, it is not anything that really is hindering me from progressing towards my goals, more like an unpleasant, nagging itch (kind of like PMO urges). Woke up super early today but feeling good; going to go for a run now before it gets too hot, and then will do some strength training. After that, gunna practice ALOT today bc my string broke yesterday so I wanted to give the new string time to "settle," so I didn't practice as much as I wanted to but it was still pretty good yesterday. Outside of that, just keep going with my daily meditation, and try to be on youtube significantly less. I have been watching informative videos, but even those can get me sucked in and watch more than I plan to lol. Looking forward to hanging with some people tmrw night!
I feel good about where I'm at mentally. While my brain does drift to the past, it is not anything that really is hindering me from progressing towards my goals, more like an unpleasant, nagging itch (kind of like PMO urges). Woke up super early today but feeling good; going to go for a run now before it gets too hot, and then will do some strength training. After that, gunna practice ALOT today bc my string broke yesterday so I wanted to give the new string time to "settle," so I didn't practice as much as I wanted to but it was still pretty good yesterday. Outside of that, just keep going with my daily meditation, and try to be on youtube significantly less. I have been watching informative videos, but even those can get me sucked in and watch more than I plan to lol. Looking forward to hanging with some people tmrw night!
Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
Hey that's great! The growing analogy is a really great way to look at it, and remember the principle imo. Sounds like more of the same, seems like you're in a good spot and doing the right things!
Also yeah, I know what you mean about youtube, they have STRONG algorithms to keep us on there, at least it's informative/useful stuff you are watching. I started using mostly audio books from the library instead, listening while I clean and stuff. Most libraries now a days have like 10s of 1000s of audio/ online books. (they make deals with publishers/ providers) so it's a way to get lots of info but without being reccomended video after video etc.
Also yeah, I know what you mean about youtube, they have STRONG algorithms to keep us on there, at least it's informative/useful stuff you are watching. I started using mostly audio books from the library instead, listening while I clean and stuff. Most libraries now a days have like 10s of 1000s of audio/ online books. (they make deals with publishers/ providers) so it's a way to get lots of info but without being reccomended video after video etc.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Oh, I know the feelings of lost opportunities, etc. I've definitely spent some time (too much time) worrying about how PMO has ruined opportunities for me in the past. It can be super easy to dwell on what might have been if I had gotten my act together faster. But I didn't. Part of what keeps me going is that I have to believe that no opportunity is really lost and that what happened in the past really doesn't matter. What matters is what I do today and what I set myself up to do tomorrow. So I don't know, if you're anything like me, it can be helpful to think about. The best is still ahead of us!
But, man, YouTube sucks me in really easy too. I guess that's what it's designed to do, but it's something I've been working on. I also mostly just watch educational/productive things, but still. I could actually do things instead of watch them. But I really like Quit's idea of audiobooks. That's not something that I've ever been very aware of, but I do have a library card, so I might look into it. I really like the idea of reading more than I sometimes like actually reading, but having a good book to listen to while I cook and drive could be really awesome.
But, man, YouTube sucks me in really easy too. I guess that's what it's designed to do, but it's something I've been working on. I also mostly just watch educational/productive things, but still. I could actually do things instead of watch them. But I really like Quit's idea of audiobooks. That's not something that I've ever been very aware of, but I do have a library card, so I might look into it. I really like the idea of reading more than I sometimes like actually reading, but having a good book to listen to while I cook and drive could be really awesome.
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Went on a camping trip with friends and limited access to wifi/data, which was really nice! Did some good hiking, and just being outdoors and surrounded by nature just makes me feel at peace. Once I got back to the "real world" I could feel my brain getting more antsy again after watching youtube and just being on my phone, but atleast I found progress in first recognizing that my brain is speeding up and getting to excited, and not going too deep into it, watching 5-10 mins at a time, and being more present in the more important things. Going to a baseball game today with friends, should be a good night!
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
That's a great report! Glad you're having a good time and doing good things.
And it's so great that you noticed the beginning of the cycle on YouTube. That's huge because that isn't PMO, not even close, but those kinds of sensations are the early triggers that can really push us over the edge if we aren't careful. Catching it early and being aware is a huge step towards success, I think.
Keep it going, man!
And it's so great that you noticed the beginning of the cycle on YouTube. That's huge because that isn't PMO, not even close, but those kinds of sensations are the early triggers that can really push us over the edge if we aren't careful. Catching it early and being aware is a huge step towards success, I think.
Keep it going, man!
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Thanks @Blueheron! Yeah, I truly believe I can get a hold over watching too much Youtube, but I'll definitely monitor it carefully, make sure I'm watching more educational/informative videos over stupid ones, and if I ever feel particularly drawn to PMO/dopamine one day I'll tell myself to take atleast a day off from youtube.
I feel bad because I have said multiple times that I would be on here more often than I have recently...it seems selfish that y'all have helped me so much by posting on my forum constantly and I just show up once every week or so. I have another camping trip planned June 6-9, but outside of this I should be on here atleast every other day. I just wanna say that I've never even considered leaving this forum, as I remember posting really early on here that even if I feel good, it is important to be on here to help others any way I can. And yes, I do feel good now, but I have this lingering sense that something bad will happen and things will start to go downhill, based off my life experience. Or maybe not even anything actually will happen, maybe one day I'll feel like I am actually not any closer to having a girlfriend than I was when I started this journey as I have no real prospects right now, and I will fall back into the vicious cycle again. Man, that's a scary thought
I feel bad because I have said multiple times that I would be on here more often than I have recently...it seems selfish that y'all have helped me so much by posting on my forum constantly and I just show up once every week or so. I have another camping trip planned June 6-9, but outside of this I should be on here atleast every other day. I just wanna say that I've never even considered leaving this forum, as I remember posting really early on here that even if I feel good, it is important to be on here to help others any way I can. And yes, I do feel good now, but I have this lingering sense that something bad will happen and things will start to go downhill, based off my life experience. Or maybe not even anything actually will happen, maybe one day I'll feel like I am actually not any closer to having a girlfriend than I was when I started this journey as I have no real prospects right now, and I will fall back into the vicious cycle again. Man, that's a scary thought
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Glad you're here to stay! I know you've helped me, and I know it also helps to help other people.
I know about not having prospects and about feeling like the vicious cycle could crash down at any time. It is a scary thought, but I think it can be a useful kind of scary. I know I've always fallen hard when I thought I was cured and invincible. Keep a little of that fear in you lol so that you don't let your guard down. Telling myself that my recovery starts over each day has definitely helped me to be more careful than before.
I know about not having prospects and about feeling like the vicious cycle could crash down at any time. It is a scary thought, but I think it can be a useful kind of scary. I know I've always fallen hard when I thought I was cured and invincible. Keep a little of that fear in you lol so that you don't let your guard down. Telling myself that my recovery starts over each day has definitely helped me to be more careful than before.
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Thanks @Blueheron, alot of times I feel crazy with the things I say in this journal lol, I appreciate your understanding and support! On a broader scale, I like to remind myself of the fragility of life; we can die at any moment, so there is no reason to procrastinate things that you know you can do. My brain has been telling me recently that if I PMO, nothing will change. It may not tangibly change too much if i do relapse, but I think my mindset will be less "making the most of my time" and more "what can I do to feel better." Hopefully, these two thoughts will merge into one more if I keep going.
I had alot of urges today...I kind of realized when I am about to go into "weekend mode" I start to lose focus and get lazy, bored, etc. It's okay to look forward to doing fun things, but at the same time I gotta make sure that I finish out the week strong! Not too great doing that this week, but I'll set a reminder on my phone sounday and monday to have REALLY productive days so I can set myself up well. Saturday will also be a good day, but I plan to take the evening off with friends (and probably most of the morning).
Idk if this is the "right" thing to do or not, but I've been keeping a separate urges journal; I write down specifically: the trigger, the urge, and the time and date, and sometimes I'll write how I can avoid that situation next time (if possible). It has been very repetitive recently, I had a dream about a "favorite" P video of mine and it has come up really unexpectedly during the day, like even if I just see a semi-attractive girl on TV my mind will start to drift towards it. I keep it private cause the specificity could really trigger some people I think, and also because I treat it as more of a scientific journal where I am just filling out categories with time-stamps and trying to notice long and short-term trends. Looking at it in a more scientific way has helped me take all the negative emotions associated with it out (temporarily), which I think has helped me alot over these past couple months or so.
I had alot of urges today...I kind of realized when I am about to go into "weekend mode" I start to lose focus and get lazy, bored, etc. It's okay to look forward to doing fun things, but at the same time I gotta make sure that I finish out the week strong! Not too great doing that this week, but I'll set a reminder on my phone sounday and monday to have REALLY productive days so I can set myself up well. Saturday will also be a good day, but I plan to take the evening off with friends (and probably most of the morning).
Idk if this is the "right" thing to do or not, but I've been keeping a separate urges journal; I write down specifically: the trigger, the urge, and the time and date, and sometimes I'll write how I can avoid that situation next time (if possible). It has been very repetitive recently, I had a dream about a "favorite" P video of mine and it has come up really unexpectedly during the day, like even if I just see a semi-attractive girl on TV my mind will start to drift towards it. I keep it private cause the specificity could really trigger some people I think, and also because I treat it as more of a scientific journal where I am just filling out categories with time-stamps and trying to notice long and short-term trends. Looking at it in a more scientific way has helped me take all the negative emotions associated with it out (temporarily), which I think has helped me alot over these past couple months or so.
Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
Camping sounds awesome! There isn't much better than that for the mind in my opinion. The urge journal sounds like a great idea! I have heard it recommended elsewhere as well.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Anytime! One of the things that I've learned posting here is that all the crazy things that I thought only happened to me happen to other people too. We're all crazy, and we're all working on it, lol.
I'm intrigued by the urges journal. I think it's a useful exercise to keep track of triggers and reactions. If nothing else, it makes you more aware of what is going on in your head, and that can only be helpful. (Unless the journal triggers you too, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.) Keep doing what works!
I'm intrigued by the urges journal. I think it's a useful exercise to keep track of triggers and reactions. If nothing else, it makes you more aware of what is going on in your head, and that can only be helpful. (Unless the journal triggers you too, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.) Keep doing what works!
pichaelthompson
Active Member
Oddly enough, the urge journal doesn't trigger me! I can't say the same for anyone else that tries it, but for me when I write my urge down there it's like I'm, putting the thought in prison, it's locked up and while thinking about it can hurt me, there is nothing it can do to physically control me.
Felt pretty sick this weekend, and with it came some strong urges. Being bedridden threw my daily routine off, but I went for a run today and feel alot better. Going to take it easy today and make sure that I'm feeling 100% before I go hard tomorrow.
Felt pretty sick this weekend, and with it came some strong urges. Being bedridden threw my daily routine off, but I went for a run today and feel alot better. Going to take it easy today and make sure that I'm feeling 100% before I go hard tomorrow.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Sorry you felt sick, but glad you're doing better. Hope your week starts off great!
I'm with you, though: writing really helps me. For some reason, urges and things drive me crazy when I just think about, but they seem to lose a lot of their power when I write them down. Then they're out of my head, and I can see them for what they are, just ideas and thoughts that aren't as powerful and urgent as they sometimes feel.
I'm with you, though: writing really helps me. For some reason, urges and things drive me crazy when I just think about, but they seem to lose a lot of their power when I write them down. Then they're out of my head, and I can see them for what they are, just ideas and thoughts that aren't as powerful and urgent as they sometimes feel.
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:Sorry you felt sick, but glad you're doing better. Hope your week starts off great!
I'm with you, though: writing really helps me. For some reason, urges and things drive me crazy when I just think about, but they seem to lose a lot of their power when I write them down. Then they're out of my head, and I can see them for what they are, just ideas and thoughts that aren't as powerful and urgent as they sometimes feel.
Also, writing them down could work like a period of time when you "delay" an eventual relapse, if this makes sense. Because instead of PMO-ing, you are doing something else.
Quitforeverthenwin
Active Member
The urge journal thing sounds smart! The writing them down and getting them out of the head...