I guess every form of refuge has its price

[workinprogressUK]

I even saw it coming but stood there like an idiot and took the hammering.

Well.... I'm sure lots of us can identify with that. So obvious but so easy for it to happen. Damn frustrating though! You've got things pretty well balanced though, haven't you? No drama. Congrats on moving through it.

 

[Joel]

Nice work, brother!

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Jix,  It's good to see how you "confess".  What I did last relapse was just disappear and wait for my shame/disappointment to subside. That's not good.
I'm going to try your way and not put my tail between my legs.

 

[Leonidas]

Once again I was going to not come clean on my not being clean!  I slipped up, and this one was after about 32 days, as opposed to the last two being maybe 60-70 days each.  I don't want to be satisfied with the once every other month type of indulger but I will keep it in perspective for now and make a couple of changes that I have been purposely avoiding.  Work stress and mindless net surfing did a tag team match on me and delivered the fatal shot. I even saw it coming but stood there like an idiot and took the hammering.       

Several years ago, a man once showed up to his session and told his shrink about this residual porn problem he felt was bothersome.  It wasn't a full-blown addiction.  He used porn once every other week or so, but still felt something was wrong; a rate of once a year or NEVER would be best.  Without blinking, the shrink asked him why he felt bad.  Then followed it up with how he felt it was different from real sex -- was it the length of time, the frequency, the nature of the act, etc?  The exact details of the conversation that transpired are not that relevant.  What was most surprising was the therapist's seemingly complete indifference with regard to the client's use of porn.  In fact, the therapist was surprised of his client's shame for using porn.  In case you were wondering, yes I was that client...

I too, like you, do not want to be satisfied with a once-a-whatever-number-of-days porn habit.  But notice: we care a lot more about this problem than do most people, and this includes highly trained therapists.  So the take-home for me was that porn IS a problem when we make it one.  When we don't care to frame it as 'a problem', it does not feel like a soul-crushing issue anymore.  Then it becomes a matter of coaxing the habit to wither away.  Of course, it's another thing altogether when porn use is so frequent it causes havoc in one's life...

 

[J01]

Thanks for the comments gents! 

WIP, I do think I have maintained reasonable balance and I believe that is important.  Thanks for the encouragement about moving through it!  Nice job on your 60 plus days. 

Joel, thanks as well.  I have been following your journal and wish you continued success. 

Mr. S, the main thing is that you are still fighting it-that says a lot about your determination and commitment.

Leonidas-I think your post highlights the concepts of perspective and proportionality, and further indicates that a lot of this journey is unique to each person's background and motivation.  Moreover, some of this comes down to the definition of "a problem."  Cleary the base analysis should pertain to porn's impact and problem development in the areas of social functioning and employment.  My view, however, would also include problem as encompassing the fact that I don't want to be part of the industry, even in a peripheral manner; porn is destructive.  Also, even having a basic grasp of the neuroscience behind internet porn should be enough to send a shiver down the spine of any sentient person-we are playing with cognitive fire.  I think that, under the right circumstances (particularly when considering our propensity for self-delusion and self-deception), escalation could happen to any of us if not properly managed.  I also believe that porn viewing is a spiritual deriment and can essentially wage war against one's own soul (many will roll the eyes and scoff at that but it is my belief).  Thus, for all these reasons, I am aiming to completely coax the thing into terminal witherment!  Thanks again for you response and insights into your own journey! 

22 Day Clean   



     


   

 

[Leonidas]

Hey Jixu, I agree with everything you mentioned above, including the part about porn waging war against the soul... I've heard much more implacable statements likening porn to "the work of the Devil" or to allowing "diabolical expression" (from a Christian's faith perspective).  Although not a follower of the faith myself, I do believe in the inherent harm it can impact on the soul.  Obviously, there is a reason we all decided to show up to this board: we perceived that the habit we were engaging in was causing conflict and suffering.

That said, there is also a danger in turning our journeys into crusades against 'Evil'.  Humans are complicated, complex and contradictory creatures... so oftentimes when we become over-committed to a cause, it becomes tempting - after a while - to desire the forbidden.  And thus the relapsing.  What I said earlier about the shrink's indifference towards porn was just to me the perfect example of what it takes to become free of a problem: to become indifferent!  It does not mean that porn is right; porn is mostly harmful full stop.  But seeing it as an enemy will tend to backfire... (if that makes any sense).  What do you think?  Btw, I still have some way to go before I become 'indifferent' to it..  :

 

[J01]

Had a rare but most welcomed victory at work which has resulted in a significant reduction in work requirements (or at least work stress) for a couple of months or so.  It kind of came out of the blue so it was even more appreciated!

Leonidas, I do think we can get over-committed to a cause, as you put it, in that we can at times over-emphasize one area and lose focus of other areas that need work as well.  That is why I view the battle as one element of self-improvement, and also try to add other things like exercise, trying to help others, and intellectual development (like reading, as you have noted in your journal).  That way, some sense of balance and proportionality can be maintained.  On the other hand, it does seem to be true that relapsing can have a greater deleterious impact on other areas far in excess of, for example, failure to exercise for 3 or 4 days.  Take care!     

25 Day Clean   

 

[TheNorman]

Congrats on the unexpected work surprise Jixu! Stress is a big trigger for a lot of us here so hopefully that helps you keep building on that streak even more!

 

[J01]

Went to a sporting goods store over the weekend while on the hunt for some edible treats and a little break from the routine.  A guy at the store told me that they were having a hard time keeping bikes, kayaks, fishing equipment, and golf starter sets in stock.  Maybe a silver lining to the covid 19 stuff-was glad to hear it. Nothing better than doing healthy stuff outdoors.

Thanks for the comment TheNorman, and I was glad to hear of your successful project at work the other day. Still feeling the heat at my job but I am dealing with it correctly. 

32 Day Clean         

 

[Rex]

Went to a sporting goods store over the weekend while on the hunt for some edible treats and a little break from the routine.  A guy at the store told me that they were having a hard time keeping bikes, kayaks, fishing equipment, and golf starter sets in stock.  Maybe a silver lining to the covid 19 stuff-was glad to hear it. Nothing better than doing healthy stuff outdoors.

Thanks for the comment TheNorman, and I was glad to hear of your successful project at work the other day. Still feeling the heat at my job but I am dealing with it correctly. 

32 Day Clean       

Jixu,

Great work, staying clean!  Be careful when when fishing or spending time in the outdoors especially in deep grass and brush in the woods.  I suffer from bad case of long term Lyme disease and a bunch of co-infections which I got from tick bites in the woods.  I used to love hiking and fishing.  I never paid any attention to bugs crawling over me or biting me.  I was always more concerned with staying away from the water moccasins, copperheads, and other poisonous snakes and never worried about the ticks.  Keep up the hard work, you are doing great!

 

[J01]

Rats-slipped up on day 43!!  My mind was wandering into dangerous territory a couple days prior and I didnt redirect the cognitive traffic properly. My last two were 30 days plus so I need to be more vigilant after hitting 30 days.  Don't like coming on here and fessing up but I feel a lot better afterwards!  I will also use Psalm 51 for some personal soul cleansing.  I am doing pretty decent in overall life stuff and am getting back into the battle now and focusing on today and tomorrow!  Take care and keep going!

Rex, your warning about outdoor hazards is duly noted-hope you keep getting your strength back!

1 Day Clean 

 

[Leonidas]

Not many people like coming here to 'fess up as you say.  Tied to that nasty little thing, what do they call it... the ego?    Anyway, I find it exemplar to a T that you are able to carry yourself forward rain or shine.  Shows how much you radiate from within.

Remember the duality that operates in our minds.  Can you also recognize what were some of the feelings that led to the P escape?  And crucially, what needs were they trying to address?  Speaking for myself, I often find that immersing myself in fantasy (which mostly ends up in relapsing) is trying to fulfill a need for companionship not present in my life right now.  I haven't managed to end the behaviors yet, but looking at them straight in the eye is a start.

I don't see duality as a good/evil dynamic.  I see the 'evil' side as a poorly learned mechanism some of us use to try to be happier.. With respect, I know the Bible insists on the duality.  But along with God's forgiveness for 'sins', why not extend compassion towards self?  After all, it's a side of you that is suffering and in want of listening to.

I imagine inviting my 'relapse-self' out for a cup of coffee and engaging in a simple conversation with him.  How would it unfold?  Could I momentarily resist the urge to reject him outright... and just listen?

 

[J01]

Today is already off to a good start.  Went on a nice jog with my wife that resulted in both good exercise and great conversation.  Will have a special lunch, nap, stream a sermon, mow the lawn, and then enjoy some time tonight reading some Russian Literature.  Reading the great Russian literary works is my form of a self-help book I guess! 

Leonidas, thanks for your comments and encouragement.  You are right on about fantasy, and it is good to ponder and reflect on it as you stated.  It is also for me a sure-fire road to relapse.

3 Day Clean   

 

[Georgos]

Hi Jixu, I know I have to be responsible writing on other people's journals or the MODs will take my comments down, but then that is there job, so hopefully I won't give them anymore work here

Your name sounds sort of Cantonese, not exactly sure why you chose it, but I am assuming you have a China connection.

I used to train at the Shaolin Temple for real after an British born Irish friend of mine started going there. I only really did t'ai ji, as I'm not Buddhist and don't like work which is the primary function of Gong Fu. However I think Gong Fu is a great discipline for giving up P.

The Abbott had a kid with his then receptionist, I don't know how old the kid is now, whether he goes to school or has started university, I hope he wasn't condemned to the temple for life, I still think Shaolin is a bit barbaric personally. At any rate, I just watched a video with the Abbott and it looked like a lot of TRIADS have descended on the temple since the birth of his child for training. I don't envy that job, teaching violent criminals morals and religion whilst at the same time trying to spread the message of peace.

If any of this strikes a chord with you then let me know, I have been following your progress intensely and wish you the best of luck with your struggles.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to find out more.

Thank you.

 

[Joel]

Good stuff, Jixu. Yes - I read an article recently about how great literature is great for sound emotional development! And it's awesome to stay inspired. Have a great day
J

 

[J01]

Hi Georgos-that would be amazing to receive Tai Qi training at Shaolin Temple.  Take care and best wishes.

Joel, I am trying to do something like what you are doing and am following your good example and am implementing web time reduction and switching to better stuff like reading some good literature.  I have been into mostly non-fiction for a bit and am attempting some novels for a change of pace.  thanks for the encouragement!

10 Day Clean   

 

[J01]

Got hit by a couple of stressors in the personal life that arose from unexpected quarters.  I guess you never know what a day may bring forth.  Thoughts of the "one click away quick release solution" raced through my head on several occasions but I was able to stay strong, chiefly due to going off line and going outdoors-those are good escape mechanisms.

One of the stressors centred on a dumb disagreement on a non-essential topic; it got prolonged and more heated than necessary and drained an already limited supply of emotional energy.  It reminded me of a line from the Book of Proverbs that goes something like this:  Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.   

It also reminded me of something else.  There is an old philosophical conundrum tossed about by people like Freshman college students that is something like this:  If a tree falls in the forest, but no one hears it, did it really make a sound?  But there is one for married folks also:  If a husband is walking in the forest, and he says something, but no one hears it-is he still wrong?

15 Day Clean

 

[Chris Oz]

Stay strong jixu

 

[J01]

Placed myself in a situation that had more Red Flags than a Kremlin May Day parade and I succumbed.  Going to bounce back today as I am off work and have an outing to the great outdoors with my wife for some fresh air, conversation, treats, and viewing of God's wonderful creation.  Have a clean day!

1 Day Clean

 

[workinprogressUK]

If a husband is walking in the forest, and he says something, but no one hears it-is he still wrong?

If you work on the assumption that you are wrong, jixu, you probably won't suffer many disappointing surprises.
Sorry to read about your Kremlin incident. Can't do better than get out in the great outdoors, soak up the energy, and focus on being clean today. Take care and good luck!