My Journal:
Thanks for reading. I am just starting this journal and only get a few minutes at a time to work on it. So consider it a work in progress!
About me: I am a 42 year old married dad of two. I think that porn has always been a part of my life. The first time I ever saw a pornographic magazine, I was about 7 years old. I did not really get it then, but the seed was planted. I started playing and having dry orgasms when I was about 10 years old. It was soon after that I connected the two. From then on, I almost always used pornography to masterbate to. (Age 10 was also the age I suffered sexual abuse, more on that in a later post).
When I was 14, I saw my first hard core pornographic material... and I am talking real hard core here. This is stuff I found in my dad's stash. Ever since then, I have sought out hardcore material. Age 14 is also the age I began to have sex with a girlfriend on a regular basis. I continued to use magazines to masterbate to on an almost every day basis. Which is how things stayed until... the internet.
I was married at age 24. Soon after that, I had my first reliable access to the internet. I was working my first real job out of college and was trusted with a computer and unrestricted internet access. I found myself lost for many hours on end, hardly getting any work done, sometimes spending the whole day in chat rooms and searching for porn. It was at this time I first began to search out more and more deviant porn.
Things really fell apart a few years after this when I cheated on my wife for the first time. It was with a prostitute. During the whole event, it didn't even feel real or like it was me (disassociated). Part of my mind was saying this is wrong while a much more powerful voice was saying, shut up I am doing this! I was so shocked by my behavior that I immediately admitted everything to my wife. She was devastated, but she stayed with me. We worked hard for several years both with marriage counseling and individual therapy. I got better for a short time, but it wasn't long before I justified that I could look at porn again, just don't cheat!
Well that didn't last very long. Once I was back into porn I was seeking out affairs. Some of these were long term affairs, some of them were short hookups. But I was constantly looking and maintaining several online relationships at a time. Sometime during this time I began looking at homosexual pornography and started seeking chat relationships with men. This soon lead to sex with men. Each time I had an affair, I was racked with guilt and shame. I was sure I would be caught and I was sure I had contracted a disease. This would lead to a period of abstinence. As the guilt and shame faded, I would be back to the cycle: porn, chat relationships, hookups and affairs.
I was caught a second time about a year ago. I had a one night stand with an old girlfriend and didn't even try to hide it. I guess I wanted to be caught. I was so unhappy with my life (seriously depressed) I thought I needed to be divorced, on my own. I even said that to my wife after I was caught. For some crazy reason, she wanted to stay with me and work things out. Since then I have been mostly sober with some occasional relapses (often going for several months at a time, relapsing for a day or two to porn, but no hookups or affairs). We are back to counseling and are working on restoring our relationship. I am also seeing an individual therapist to work on resolving underlying issues.
My goal is to never use pornography again. I am on day 7 and doing my best to make it for good.
Peace
Dan Fogelberg ? Phoenix Lyrics
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow,
Got to carry on
Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Never thought I'd
See the sun again
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Now I've found a
Heart to call my home
Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
No more living
Someone else's dreams
Thanks for reading. I am just starting this journal and only get a few minutes at a time to work on it. So consider it a work in progress!
About me: I am a 42 year old married dad of two. I think that porn has always been a part of my life. The first time I ever saw a pornographic magazine, I was about 7 years old. I did not really get it then, but the seed was planted. I started playing and having dry orgasms when I was about 10 years old. It was soon after that I connected the two. From then on, I almost always used pornography to masterbate to. (Age 10 was also the age I suffered sexual abuse, more on that in a later post).
When I was 14, I saw my first hard core pornographic material... and I am talking real hard core here. This is stuff I found in my dad's stash. Ever since then, I have sought out hardcore material. Age 14 is also the age I began to have sex with a girlfriend on a regular basis. I continued to use magazines to masterbate to on an almost every day basis. Which is how things stayed until... the internet.
I was married at age 24. Soon after that, I had my first reliable access to the internet. I was working my first real job out of college and was trusted with a computer and unrestricted internet access. I found myself lost for many hours on end, hardly getting any work done, sometimes spending the whole day in chat rooms and searching for porn. It was at this time I first began to search out more and more deviant porn.
Things really fell apart a few years after this when I cheated on my wife for the first time. It was with a prostitute. During the whole event, it didn't even feel real or like it was me (disassociated). Part of my mind was saying this is wrong while a much more powerful voice was saying, shut up I am doing this! I was so shocked by my behavior that I immediately admitted everything to my wife. She was devastated, but she stayed with me. We worked hard for several years both with marriage counseling and individual therapy. I got better for a short time, but it wasn't long before I justified that I could look at porn again, just don't cheat!
Well that didn't last very long. Once I was back into porn I was seeking out affairs. Some of these were long term affairs, some of them were short hookups. But I was constantly looking and maintaining several online relationships at a time. Sometime during this time I began looking at homosexual pornography and started seeking chat relationships with men. This soon lead to sex with men. Each time I had an affair, I was racked with guilt and shame. I was sure I would be caught and I was sure I had contracted a disease. This would lead to a period of abstinence. As the guilt and shame faded, I would be back to the cycle: porn, chat relationships, hookups and affairs.
I was caught a second time about a year ago. I had a one night stand with an old girlfriend and didn't even try to hide it. I guess I wanted to be caught. I was so unhappy with my life (seriously depressed) I thought I needed to be divorced, on my own. I even said that to my wife after I was caught. For some crazy reason, she wanted to stay with me and work things out. Since then I have been mostly sober with some occasional relapses (often going for several months at a time, relapsing for a day or two to porn, but no hookups or affairs). We are back to counseling and are working on restoring our relationship. I am also seeing an individual therapist to work on resolving underlying issues.
My goal is to never use pornography again. I am on day 7 and doing my best to make it for good.
Peace
Dan Fogelberg ? Phoenix Lyrics
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow,
Got to carry on
Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Never thought I'd
See the sun again
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Now I've found a
Heart to call my home
Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
No more living
Someone else's dreams