Wow... I have made it to 91 days no PMO! And 85 days no MO. Life really has changed!
On the positives - I think about life a lot differently now and do not crave porn. I have a lot more mental energy for more productive things. The best part of being free is that I am better able to experience life in the moment. It is nice to live life in the now. My sex life feels completely rebooted. I have no problems with arousal, erection, or orgasm. Sex is MUCH better now. I don't experience it very often, so when I do, I make sure I give it my full attention and experience it for all it is worth. I now remember what sex is supposed to be like!
Challenges - As William will attest, just because you make a milestone does not mean you are cured. I can tell that I am not cured because I still have sexualized thoughts and still desire other off limits activities (no desire for porn or other internet based sex, but I do think about doing other things - seeking affairs, going to massage parlors, etc). I think this is partly because my sex drive is fully restored but after many years of marriage, my wife and I do not have sex very often (3 times in the last 90 days). So I think I am seeking out sex in other ways. Perhaps my next step is to have 90 days without entertaining a single sexual thought other than with my wife. Still more work to do! I guess my main challenge is to redefine what acceptable sexual behavior includes in my new life. Need to define the boundaries that I can never cross. For example, will masterbation ever be ok?
Regrets - Many of us who are addicted to dopamine are addicted to other things. We have addictive personalities. I know that is me. I have been addicted to many things in my life and have kicked several of them completely. But I still have some left. Namely, alcohol and food. I have leaned on these other addictions heavily during my reboot to offset some of the loss. This is NOT a healthy way of kicking an addiction! I have been drunk way too many times and gained some weight. I should have found a healthy replacement for my addiction instead of leaning heavily on other dependencies. That is my next step - to find my passion that is a productive and fulfilling use of my new found energy and time on.
Of note - I still have very intense sexual dreams frequently. These dreams involve some extremely deviant behavior, the thought of which would have triggered me in the past. I wake up from these rock hard and extremely arroused. I also find that the feeling fades pretty quickly and I just need to get up, distract myself with some other activity, and I get past it. I guess this is the most difficult part of the addiction that remains but I know I can manage it.
Thanks for reading.... You can do this! And it is totally worth it.
Agreed
