L
Lero
Guest
I only slept for three hours and woke up feeling completely like shit. I struggled to keep my eyes open enough to drag myself, painfully, out of the bed.
L
Lero
Guest
June 5
Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0
Bad state of mind. Anxiety.
Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0
Bad state of mind. Anxiety.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Hang in there. Anxiety is awful, but you're not alone in dealing with it. Do what you can and don't forget to take care of yourself.
L
Lero
Guest
June 6
Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0
I feel better than the last 3 days. I slept well. Social anxiety and general anxiety are elevated. I'm guessing it's because of P addiction because, in the past, I remember that my anxiety was reduced very much after about 2 weeks without PMO. I'll try to get there again and see if anything changes. I haven't had serious urges for 12 days. 2 binges because of alcohol and 1 because I was stupid but none of them satisfactory. 12 more days and the first month of my recovery plan will end.
Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0
I feel better than the last 3 days. I slept well. Social anxiety and general anxiety are elevated. I'm guessing it's because of P addiction because, in the past, I remember that my anxiety was reduced very much after about 2 weeks without PMO. I'll try to get there again and see if anything changes. I haven't had serious urges for 12 days. 2 binges because of alcohol and 1 because I was stupid but none of them satisfactory. 12 more days and the first month of my recovery plan will end.
L
Lero
Guest
Momentary "pump up" will not work in the long run. You get overly motivated this minute and tell yourself: "I will do it this time! I will be mentally strong and push through it!" But after a period of time, you are back to the beginning. Hard victories are achieved only after following a plan that makes you be trained. You don't win the World Cup by only shouting motivational things to yourself. Hard work, dedication and trying again after loses. As much as you want to tell yourself quitting P is easy, the truth is that it's hard. If it was easy, we wouldn't be 100 guys here struggling for years. We need to take this seriously. "Yeah, but by telling yourself this, you give P too much power!" said X. Right, but the truth still stands. Quitting P is still hard, even if you think it's easy.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Lero said:
Great thoughts. The fact is that P has power. If it didn't, none of us would be here. I think it's a healthy thing to acknowledge the power that it has. It makes us more realistic about how we have to take care of ourselves. Pretending that all we need is some motivational phrases isn't going to get us where we need to go, and it will probably just make us underestimate the problem.
I'm with you. It's going to take work, but it's good work and we can't give up.
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Exactly. P really does have power. We have to acknowledge it. By doing this, we inevitable have to make a solid plan for how to beat P. We won't defeat this by willpower only. I've tried that and I failed. I had to stop fucking around and admit I needed to follow a plan. Thinking that P has no power only makes you underestimate it and take it lightly. That's how you keep going back to the start and you don't even understand why. It's hard but it's not impossible, that's the idea.
L
Lero
Guest
This is my 4th day without PMO but it's also the day when I usually relapsed so the brain knows this and it's the day when I'm susceptible to hard urges. So far I'm all right. Let's see how it is progressing.
L
Lero
Guest
June 7
Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0
My mood is good. Lower anxiety.
Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0
My mood is good. Lower anxiety.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Way to recognize your patterns and to prepare yourself and get through the day. That's a big deal. For a long time, I wasn't really aware that I was on a regular cycle, and I usually thought I was doing better than I really was. When I started counting days, I realized that my relapses were happening at regular intervals. If you can see it coming and recognize that it's always possibly coming back, you can deal with it way more effectively.
Sending you more strength and encouragement for another day!
Sending you more strength and encouragement for another day!
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Thanks, man! I've survived the day 4, when urges usually started. But I didn't have urges yesterday, however, I do today. This is the first time in 2 weeks when I have some serious urges. P flashbacks too. I gotta figure out a way to deal with the urges.
L
Lero
Guest
June 8
Urges: 6/10
Relapses: 5
Urges: 6/10
Relapses: 5
L
Lero
Guest
Everything is going like shit. I haven't done a good job at controlling my binges. If I hadn't binged and relapsed only once a day, I would've had about 6 PMOs until now not fucking 25! FUCK! I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot. Sometimes I get this feeling like I know everything I should do but I don't do it at all. My plan was all right but the weak link was me. The first fucking thing I need to do is stop drinking.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Sorry about the lapses.
Binges are the worst. The last several relapses I've had have been long binges where I'm stuck on PMO for a day or two. And it's the sort of thing where I would be on websites and wishing that I wasn't but still doing it anyway. It's like a switch got flipped in my head and I turned into a different person who only wanted porn even though the rest of me didn't.
It would probably be helpful to go back in time and retrace the steps that lead to your binges/lapses. I think you're right on in thinking that alcohol might be related. Really think about the things (feelings, behaviors, thoughts) that come before a relapse. I know I started to be more aware of the early phases of relapse (staring more at girls around town, feeling hopeless, etc.) and that has helped me to catch myself before the switch flips, and I get trapped in a binge. It can be difficult because it means looking for behaviors that might seems harmless (I'm single, so why not stare at girls when I'm out and about, right?) but that ultimately lead to trouble.
Take care of yourself, stick with it, and do what you need to do to get back on track. We're all here for support. You can only get better at this with more practice.
Binges are the worst. The last several relapses I've had have been long binges where I'm stuck on PMO for a day or two. And it's the sort of thing where I would be on websites and wishing that I wasn't but still doing it anyway. It's like a switch got flipped in my head and I turned into a different person who only wanted porn even though the rest of me didn't.
It would probably be helpful to go back in time and retrace the steps that lead to your binges/lapses. I think you're right on in thinking that alcohol might be related. Really think about the things (feelings, behaviors, thoughts) that come before a relapse. I know I started to be more aware of the early phases of relapse (staring more at girls around town, feeling hopeless, etc.) and that has helped me to catch myself before the switch flips, and I get trapped in a binge. It can be difficult because it means looking for behaviors that might seems harmless (I'm single, so why not stare at girls when I'm out and about, right?) but that ultimately lead to trouble.
Take care of yourself, stick with it, and do what you need to do to get back on track. We're all here for support. You can only get better at this with more practice.
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
In the last month, binges only happened because of alcohol. First time when I relapsed, I PMO-ed just once that day. So it's clear that maybe I just can't drink and stay away from PMO at the same time. It sucks when everything seems to involve alcohol these days but I have to discipline myself and stay away from those opportunities, at least for a while until I figure this out. I'm coming from two binges, two days in a row, after indulging in drinking. Also, I can't control my edging. It starts with "A little arousal won't hurt me" and it ends with "Fuck! I'm on P websites again!" Edging leaves me with a sort of feeling like "It's not enough, I want more! Where is that arousal from earlier? I want it back!" Like an uncontrollable desire for more. It's like even my usual shield against P is shattered by this fucking edging. It leaves me with some kind of "weakness" and I don't seem to stop looking for more.
This affects me too. I am single as well and I can't really look at girls, even in movies, especially when I go through urges. It's like taking the first sip from the bottle and eventually drinking more and more (moving to more stimulating stuff like fantasizing, edging, searching for pictures, until you reach the sweet P, the king of kings).
L
Lero
Guest
Only 2 fucking days 
L
Lero
Guest
Day 3 but...
I had some urges, not the strongest, but I started M-ing to fantasizes, with the intention not to O, having this feeling like I wasn't watching P and everything would be all right. After a few minutes of this, it was not enough so I moved to Youtube, to watch some sluts and continue to M. Other few minutes and then I had this moment like: "What the fuck am I doing? What's next? Go straight to P?" I stopped and started playing a video game. I don't even know if this is a "relapse". People say that M-ing to fantasizes is a relapse too. And what about the videos I watched on Youtube? Sometimes I'm so fucking tired of all this. Why the fuck would you start M-ing if you don't have hard enough urges? I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot.
I had some urges, not the strongest, but I started M-ing to fantasizes, with the intention not to O, having this feeling like I wasn't watching P and everything would be all right. After a few minutes of this, it was not enough so I moved to Youtube, to watch some sluts and continue to M. Other few minutes and then I had this moment like: "What the fuck am I doing? What's next? Go straight to P?" I stopped and started playing a video game. I don't even know if this is a "relapse". People say that M-ing to fantasizes is a relapse too. And what about the videos I watched on Youtube? Sometimes I'm so fucking tired of all this. Why the fuck would you start M-ing if you don't have hard enough urges? I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
First of all: you're not an idiot!
Second of all: even if you caught yourself later than you might ideally like, you still redirected yourself away from P, and that's a win.
Something I've been learning recently is that my addiction evolved as a (misguided) way to take care of myself. My binges always came when I was feeling lonely, depressed, stressed out, or stuck in life. And they always took complete control of me once they started. I guess what I'm saying is that I've started to learn not to get so mad at myself when I deal with urges/binges because they are just my mind and body's way of taking care of me. They're wrong, but they're not trying to destroy me. Instead, I need to learn to take care of myself in better ways. So, when I feel an urge, that's a sign that something is wrong, something needs my attention. Then I can think of healthier and better ways to deal with it.
Keep at it, though. Be glad that you didn't progress to P. Recognize that you did make some mistakes and learn from them. But don't be too harsh with yourself. PMO is an old habit that you aren't going to fix right away. Being too harsh with yourself (if you're anything like me) will only make you feel worse and make you more likely to turn to PMO for some escape/relief.
Second of all: even if you caught yourself later than you might ideally like, you still redirected yourself away from P, and that's a win.
Something I've been learning recently is that my addiction evolved as a (misguided) way to take care of myself. My binges always came when I was feeling lonely, depressed, stressed out, or stuck in life. And they always took complete control of me once they started. I guess what I'm saying is that I've started to learn not to get so mad at myself when I deal with urges/binges because they are just my mind and body's way of taking care of me. They're wrong, but they're not trying to destroy me. Instead, I need to learn to take care of myself in better ways. So, when I feel an urge, that's a sign that something is wrong, something needs my attention. Then I can think of healthier and better ways to deal with it.
Keep at it, though. Be glad that you didn't progress to P. Recognize that you did make some mistakes and learn from them. But don't be too harsh with yourself. PMO is an old habit that you aren't going to fix right away. Being too harsh with yourself (if you're anything like me) will only make you feel worse and make you more likely to turn to PMO for some escape/relief.