"Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"

[Lero]

P is like a guy whom you consider you best friend, because you have a great time drinking with him, but he also bullies you. At the end of the day, you have to end this friendship. He is more detrimental than useful. Apart from the days when you drink with him, you feel hurt because of all the things he does to you. You really need to stop talking to him. He will keep coming back looking for you because you are his victim of bullying but you have to find ways to keep him at distance.

 

[Lero]

3 PMO

Correction: 4 PMO

 

[BlueHeronFan]

3 PMO

Correction: 4 PMO

Rough day. Sorry to hear about it. What triggered the lapse? It's a bummer when it happens, but don't let the lapse go to waste. Retrace your steps and see how you got there, and then take that knowledge with you moving forward

 

[Lero]

Rough day. Sorry to hear about it. What triggered the lapse? It's a bummer when it happens, but don't let the lapse go to waste. Retrace your steps and see how you got there, and then take that knowledge with you moving forward

How? Fucking edging, man! Edging fucked me up. But it wouldn't have been a binge without drinking.

 

[Lero]

Today is one month since I started my new attempt (May 18 - June 18). I can't believe how fast the time passed.

I binged a lot but nothing unusual: Months without binging hadn't happen in a long time. At one point I stopped counting because I had reached my PMO quota but it must be 30+ PMOs. Maybe 40, I don't know. The reason? Drinking. I realized I kind of let myself drink too much. I don't have a problem with alcohol but still... Too much drinking. That's what happens when you get involved with people who drink a lot and often. I saw that, if I didn't drink, I could end the day without binging. If I relapsed, it would be just one PMO. So it's clear: I have to stay away from drinking because I can't control my binging when I'm drunk. For this, I have to stay away from situations where drinking happens. Think about it, without binging, I would've had less than 10 PMOs. This is what I will try to do for this next month. I either stay away from PMO for good or I PMO less than 10 times. That's my goal. For this, I have to avoid binging and if alcohol brings binges, fuck it. I'm done with it. Starting tomorrow I will continue my statistics.

Coming back to what I said at the beginning, time really goes away fast and if we don't take care of ourselves, if we don't quit our addictions, if we don't improve or get the life we want, we will wake up one day and we will be 60 years old. Or we will wake up and we will be ghosts, flying around the room while the body will be lying in the bed (a.k.a we will be fucking dead - life over, bye bye. No more chances to do anything in this life). Life is too short to live it in a terrible way. Life is too short to waste time. Life is too short not to do what you need to do.

 

[Lero]

And I really need to quit edging, man! Edging sends me to PMO because it consumes my "pleasure tank" and it leaves me empty and desperate for more pleasure. It makes me more desperate for pleasure than when I have urges but I don't edge.

 

[Lero]

Day 2

Things that I need to do:

1) Use Internet only when I need it and visit only the necessary pages;
2) Don't drink;
3) Don't edge;
4) Find a way to deal with urges;

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Day 2

Things that I need to do:

1) Use Internet only when I need it and visit only the necessary pages;
2) Don't drink;
3) Don't edge;
4) Find a way to deal with urges;

That's a great plan. Edging is total garbage: I always use to think it didn't count, like as long as I didn't straight up MO it was okay. I don't think there's any way to edge without relapsing, and it's especially bad because it's easy to rationalize edging. It was one of those things that I thought was harmless but is actually really dangerous, so I worked to cut it out.

And learning to deal with urges is huge. Even more than that, it might be helpful to think about dealing with whatever is causing the urges. Like I always feel urges the worst when a potential relationship doesn't work out, for example. So it's important to deal with the urges, but it's also important to find ways to deal with the feelings of still being single (since that's what causes the urges) in healthier ways. I think we can always dig deeper: PMO is just a symptom of some other problem in our lives.

 

[Lero]

That's a great plan. Edging is total garbage: I always use to think it didn't count, like as long as I didn't straight up MO it was okay. I don't think there's any way to edge without relapsing, and it's especially bad because it's easy to rationalize edging. It was one of those things that I thought was harmless but is actually really dangerous, so I worked to cut it out.

In my case, I'm susceptible to edging when I have urges and my brain convinces me that a little edging will be all right. It's like: "You don't want to straight out PMO? Do some edging. It's harmless and you give me a little bit of drug too." I edge to P flashbacks and fantasies (not by watching P cause this is what we have to avoid like the plague) but I've read that even doing that is bad. However, I can't seem to stop that. It's like: "Edging to P flashbacks and fantasies is less dangerous than edging and watching P." It's that voice in my ear that does a good job at convincing me I have to do that. And after I edge for a few minutes like that, it drains my "urges tank" and it leaves me craving P like crazy. I'm actually out of control more when I edge than when I just have urges but I do nothing. P flashbacks are not as strong as watching P so I start watching P and from there I end up with a full relapse, of course.

P.S: What I call "edging" is M without O. I don't know what definition you have but that's what I'm talking about.

And learning to deal with urges is huge. Even more than that, it might be helpful to think about dealing with whatever is causing the urges. Like I always feel urges the worst when a potential relationship doesn't work out, for example. So it's important to deal with the urges, but it's also important to find ways to deal with the feelings of still being single (since that's what causes the urges) in healthier ways. I think we can always dig deeper: PMO is just a symptom of some other problem in our lives.

Do you know what problem I have? I got into a routine of relapsing after 4 or 5 days since the last one. And when the 4th day comes, sometimes on 5th day, I start having hard urges and I sabotage myself with "a little edging". That's what I said in some early entries: I actually know what I have to do but, for some reason, I don't seem to make it work.

 

[Lero]

Day 3

My mood is so-so, my energy too.

I need to find a way to break free from that circle of relapsing every 4-5 days. I need to get past the first week.

 

[Lero]

I'm bothered by some urges.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

P.S: What I call "edging" is M without O. I don't know what definition you have but that's what I'm talking about.

Do you know what problem I have? I got into a routine of relapsing after 4 or 5 days since the last one. And when the 4th day comes, sometimes on 5th day, I start having hard urges and I sabotage myself with "a little edging". That's what I said in some early entries: I actually know what I have to do but, for some reason, I don't seem to make it work.

Yep, that's my definition too. I used to think that it didn't count without O, but you and I know both know that it causes trouble either way.

But you're on to something important. If you recognize a pattern in your relapses, you can sort of plan for them and deal with them better. I was on a schedule of relapsing every 20-30 days. Without keeping track, I thought I was doing a lot better than I was. When I realized that my relapses were happening almost on schedule, it helped me to realize that getting through the first 20 days was no big deal and that the real work would happen after that. It also helped because I didn't think the sudden urges around 30 days meant that my recovery was off track: I knew it was going to happen, so I could deal with it better than before I recognized the pattern.

 

[Lero]

I relapsed. I edged like crazy, uncontrollably, for hours, watching a tone of P. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. 

 

[BlueHeronFan]

So sorry to hear it!

That sounds exactly like the kind of binges I've had most recently. Hours and hours of porn and edging, wanting to stop and also being unable to. It's the worst, and it can leave you feeling pretty awful. For me, it always happened at night, so I always ended up not sleeping, and it messed me up for the whole next day.

It also sounds like this was right around your 4-5 day pattern, so it isn't exactly a surprise that it happened. What led you to the porn and edging? What were the triggers? For me, it was usually something "harmless" like instagram. It can sometimes feel like the porn just came out of nowhere, but it never comes out of nowhere. Don't let this relapse go to waste, go back to what caused it and cut it out.

 

[pichaelthompson]

I can relate to this, and I hate to say it but doing this will only make your anxiety worse in the long run. I suggest find a way to separate yourself from the feeling of anxiety, of course it is impossible to never feel anxious (I have dealt with it a TON) but it is possible to see it as a passing, temporary emotion that does not control your actions. Something that is not a part of you, but rather 1 in an infinite pool of feelings every human on this planet experiences.

In a bigger picture view, I would recommend finding what exactly causes you anxiety, and suggest experimenting with different ways to deal with it. Don't be down on yourself if something doesn't work, just take a deep breath and try again. Best of luck to you, wishing you well.

 

[Lero]

So sorry to hear it!

That sounds exactly like the kind of binges I've had most recently. Hours and hours of porn and edging, wanting to stop and also being unable to. It's the worst, and it can leave you feeling pretty awful. For me, it always happened at night, so I always ended up not sleeping, and it messed me up for the whole next day.

It also sounds like this was right around your 4-5 day pattern, so it isn't exactly a surprise that it happened. What led you to the porn and edging? What were the triggers? For me, it was usually something "harmless" like instagram. It can sometimes feel like the porn just came out of nowhere, but it never comes out of nowhere. Don't let this relapse go to waste, go back to what caused it and cut it out.

I've said this 1000 times already around here but what pisses me off is that I know what I have to do but, for some reason, I end up not doing it and I relapse. 

And yes, it was on the 4th day, following the schedule to a T. It's like a switch flips in my brain and I start having hard urges that I don't have on day 3. It's like the 3rd day is not the day so the urges are low then the 4th day is the day and the urges shoot through the roof.

 

[Lero]

I can relate to this, and I hate to say it but doing this will only make your anxiety worse in the long run. I suggest find a way to separate yourself from the feeling of anxiety, of course it is impossible to never feel anxious (I have dealt with it a TON) but it is possible to see it as a passing, temporary emotion that does not control your actions. Something that is not a part of you, but rather 1 in an infinite pool of feelings every human on this planet experiences.

In a bigger picture view, I would recommend finding what exactly causes you anxiety, and suggest experimenting with different ways to deal with it. Don't be down on yourself if something doesn't work, just take a deep breath and try again. Best of luck to you, wishing you well.

Ah, okay, I know what you mean. I guess my sentences could also be interpreted like: "I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety right now so that's why I relapsed." But no, I am pretty sure my P use increases my anxiety because I see it happening. I edged yesterday for hours, watching a tone of P then I PMO-ed 4 times and a lot of anxiety followed. This is maybe the no. 1 thing that I hate about my addiction. It seems to increase my anxiety like crazy.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

And yes, it was on the 4th day, following the schedule to a T. It's like a switch flips in my brain and I start having hard urges that I don't have on day 3. It's like the 3rd day is not the day so the urges are low then the 4th day is the day and the urges shoot through the roof.

I know exactly the feeling of having that switch flip. I think this is why it's so important to retrace your steps to the earliest phases of the relapse. If we only focus on the moment of looking up porn as a relapse, we're missing the real triggers and only working on a level where we've already lost control.

I think one of the things that would really help would be going further back: what were you thinking about in the few days before you relapsed? What were you feeling like? What were you doing?

For me, the switch flips before I start looking up porn. By the time I'm on the internet looking for porn, I've already lost control no matter much I know I shouldn't do it. But, when I started looking back further in the relapse, I realized that for days before "actually relapsing," I was fantasizing about porn, staring at women in sexual ways, and looking for non-pornographic stimulation on TV and YouTube and stuff. There are always little things that I ignore that are actually the real triggers for a relapse.

It took me a long time to start to see things like sexual thoughts as triggers. I used to think they were harmless, as long as I didn't use the internet to look at porn. But I never PMOd without allowing myself to have lots of sexual thoughts in the days before. And here's the thing: I'm still in control when it's just thoughts. I can still unflip that switch. If I wait to stop myself until I'm in a full-blown relapse, I'm already done for.

One of the biggest breakthroughs for me recently has been to realize that my relapses start way earlier than I thought they did. Lately, I've been focused on keeping my thoughts above board and not fantasizing. Sometimes, I catch myself looking at women just for the little hit of dopamine, but I'm catching myself and redirecting my thoughts. And I think it's working better because I'm catching myself at a point where I'm still in control.

 

[Lero]

I know what you mean. It's the truth. Let's see how I could do something about it earlier.

 

[Lero]

I relapsed. I edged again watching P for hours.