Well, I'm sitting alone, in a motel room, on the internet. And after I post here, I'm shutting the laptop and going to sleep! I knew porn was bad and I knew it was effecting things. But I've had some time to think about this, and I didn't know it was directly causing my ED. Man, we got to get the word out about this. All I have to do is think about why I'm not using porn, and there is zero temptation. I hate having ED. I hate it WAY more than I liked looking at porn. And, really, every day that passes that I don't look at porn, I realize I did't like it at all. It was just easy. And it helped me calm myself down. I just didn't realize the extent of the issue. I always though it I took a couple of days off, everything would be fine. So when it wasn't, I was sure it was all these issues my Doc. kept telling me it was. He has still never even asked if I use porn. They should. If he had mentioned a year ago that using too much internet porn and masturbating could cause ED I would have known, even if I couldn't have been honest with him. At least I would have the information I needed to figure it out. Yeah, there's a spot in my brain that knew it was causing problems. When I read the reality, I can't say I was surprised. But seeing it spelled out as a cause and effect thing, with a full explanation about the dopamine receptors and sensitization. Then reading it takes several months to get past it if it all goes really well. Dang. I just didn't know that. And just like that, porn holds no appeal to me. I suspect I'll have to fight some temptation at some point. But I think that will be way down the road.
And really quickly, I started seeing all the other issues it caused. Those thoughts pretty much took over my brain all the time. Today on the drive down here, I thought about all kinds of things. I listened to some new music. I through through some projects I'm doing. Just normal stuff. Honestly, just two weeks ago I was on a trip and ALL I thought about was deviant sex stuff. And I made plans for how I was going to use all that alone time. Man. I guess that trip is what pushed me over the edge. It just took a few days to sink in, maybe. But I took it to another level that seems to have shaken me up enough to fix some things.
I mentioned the hangover this morning. lol Yeah. That was really weird. And images of things I'd watched in the past kept popping into my head. It was strange and a little scary. Some of the things kind of shocked me. Things I know I watched many times and found arousing then, just seem really sick and twisted. Why the hell did that turn me on? I gave my wife a long, nice kiss when I left this afternoon. Nothing downstairs at all. I'm not tempted to go back to what used to turn me on, but I'll sure be glad when normal things turn me on again. Right now, there's just hope for the future. That's kind of a weird part of this. When we get it all messed up in our head, there is no healthy way to get aroused. Healthy things just don't do it. You just have to wait it out. And that's what I'm going to do. There's nothing else I can do.
Good night gang. I'll wake up and it will be day 6. Darn close to a week. And I don't miss porn one bit. And I'm going to spend an awesome day with my wife and kid tomorrow. Life is pretty good. And in a couple of months, it will be even better.
Guys, thanks for chiming in on this thread. I really appreciate it. Every time one of you shares something so much like what happened to me, it makes me feel a little better. I'm sure you're all good men, too. This thing beat a lot of us down. But we're getting out. And talking this through is helping keep me focused. There's some bad stuff in the world, and people who are in a frightening frame of mind. They're all too willing to drag a bunch of us down with them. It's up to us to say "Enough!"
