Myformerself
Member
If you ever need support or need to get it out, feel free to PM me if I'm online.
And I'm off.
- Thread starter Jijnyasu
- Start date
Jijnyasu-
Thank you for sharing the real time trigger (email that you received) and then knowing you need to be aware that night. I am pushing through the waves during last couple of days and so far so good. It's the trigger coming out of the blue two weeks from now that scares me.
Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it. This is something I have not heard a lot of guys talking about--the relationship between live interactions with very attractive women and the temptation to do porn as a surrogate. I have not been unfaithful to my wife and certainly don't intend to, but for me, porn and real life interactions are related. Maybe tho is obvious, but part of my challenge is steering away from situations where I can be tempted. As far as I am concerned, live women with amazing parts trumps pixels any day.
Anyone dig on this?
Thank you for sharing the real time trigger (email that you received) and then knowing you need to be aware that night. I am pushing through the waves during last couple of days and so far so good. It's the trigger coming out of the blue two weeks from now that scares me.
Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it. This is something I have not heard a lot of guys talking about--the relationship between live interactions with very attractive women and the temptation to do porn as a surrogate. I have not been unfaithful to my wife and certainly don't intend to, but for me, porn and real life interactions are related. Maybe tho is obvious, but part of my challenge is steering away from situations where I can be tempted. As far as I am concerned, live women with amazing parts trumps pixels any day.
Anyone dig on this?
I need to post this, just to get it out of the way. I MO this morning. I'm not calling it a fail. I planned from the beginning to incorporate that into my recovery as long as it was rarely and with appropriate stimulation.
My wife and I had a wonderful night last night. This morning I woke up at about 5AM with a massive erection. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About 7AM my wife woke and was feeling frisky. I was hoping we could have actual sex, but I wasn't responding. It stinks because I think I could have. Just, by that time, I needed to go to the bathroom, etc, etc. Who knows? But it doesn't matter. I told her not to worry and let's just take care of her. I feel like spending intimate time with her is helping us bond tremendously and I want her to look forward to that time, not the constant frustration she's had for the last several years.
Later, after she had left I had the house alone for a bit. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and was massively tempted. My mind was playing those games with me. All the sneaky reasons why it would be okay just this once to get out the lap top and find some porn. I didn't do that, but told myself, instead, to take care of it in a more reasonable and normal way. I won't do it often, but I think I made the right decision. I feel back on track. I just need to make sure that it doesn't lead to more.
And I learned a lot. I've had great morning erections for four or five days now. That's encouraging. But I have to say, when I went to masturbate without porn, I was able to do it, but it was not 100%. It's good, though. I know for a fact, a week ago I couldn't masturbate at all without porn. So it is progress.
I feel like I need to make some rules now. When I started I told myself that there wouldn't be anything for a week. And I did that. But if I'd said that would be two weeks, I think I would have made a different decision this morning. It's like I gave myself permission a week ago to do this. I can't just trust my brain to set any reasonable limits. I have to decide now, with a clear head, what is reasonable to keep me on track.
Rules.
1. No porn. No exceptions.
2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.
3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.
4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.
5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.
I know that once a week thing is arbitrary. We'll see how it goes. I really feel like I'd have done more damage today with thoughts getting out of line than I did taking care of things in a normal way this morning. I understand that I'm not "normal" yet, but I have to figure out the best way forward for me. If this doesn't seem right in a few weeks, I'll adjust. The most important thing, I believe, is ridding myself of the non-stop steam of pornographic, unrealistic garbage.
The most important thing. One more day without porn in my life. One more day working on getting my brain wired in a more normal way. Keep moving forward and string a few weeks together.
My wife and I had a wonderful night last night. This morning I woke up at about 5AM with a massive erection. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About 7AM my wife woke and was feeling frisky. I was hoping we could have actual sex, but I wasn't responding. It stinks because I think I could have. Just, by that time, I needed to go to the bathroom, etc, etc. Who knows? But it doesn't matter. I told her not to worry and let's just take care of her. I feel like spending intimate time with her is helping us bond tremendously and I want her to look forward to that time, not the constant frustration she's had for the last several years.
Later, after she had left I had the house alone for a bit. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and was massively tempted. My mind was playing those games with me. All the sneaky reasons why it would be okay just this once to get out the lap top and find some porn. I didn't do that, but told myself, instead, to take care of it in a more reasonable and normal way. I won't do it often, but I think I made the right decision. I feel back on track. I just need to make sure that it doesn't lead to more.
And I learned a lot. I've had great morning erections for four or five days now. That's encouraging. But I have to say, when I went to masturbate without porn, I was able to do it, but it was not 100%. It's good, though. I know for a fact, a week ago I couldn't masturbate at all without porn. So it is progress.
I feel like I need to make some rules now. When I started I told myself that there wouldn't be anything for a week. And I did that. But if I'd said that would be two weeks, I think I would have made a different decision this morning. It's like I gave myself permission a week ago to do this. I can't just trust my brain to set any reasonable limits. I have to decide now, with a clear head, what is reasonable to keep me on track.
Rules.
1. No porn. No exceptions.
2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.
3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.
4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.
5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.
I know that once a week thing is arbitrary. We'll see how it goes. I really feel like I'd have done more damage today with thoughts getting out of line than I did taking care of things in a normal way this morning. I understand that I'm not "normal" yet, but I have to figure out the best way forward for me. If this doesn't seem right in a few weeks, I'll adjust. The most important thing, I believe, is ridding myself of the non-stop steam of pornographic, unrealistic garbage.
The most important thing. One more day without porn in my life. One more day working on getting my brain wired in a more normal way. Keep moving forward and string a few weeks together.
LLTJR said:
Wow, that would be a tough one for any of us, I think! My experience is a little different than yours. If that interaction were to leave me with an erection, I'd be pretty happy, if I'm honest. My problem is more that I got to a point where I could only get aroused by porn. I certainly don't mean to imply that you want to be messing with the neighbor's 19 year old daughter! And it falls into my "objectifying women" thing. You're going to glance when greeted with something like that. Anyone would. Where some of us go off track is letting that trigger some inappropriate action. That's what you have to shut down. Sounds like you did a great job under tough circumstances!
I was trying to get somewhere quickly yesterday. Like most cities, mine has "that street" where there's lots of drugs for sale and prostitutes looking for Johns. Street walkers aren't a problem for me, so I don't think about that a lot. I turned down that street to get around a traffic jam. About two blocks later I said "Yeah, need to get off this street." lol It isn't that I was going to do anything, it's just the thoughts that creep in when you see things.
Not a good day. It's my own fault. The last year or so, I've done a lot of stuff. I guess there was no way none of it would come back to haunt me. In less than 12 hours, four people I shouldn't know in the first place reached out to me. I may not have looked at any porn, but all kinds of triggers, and all the things I need to stop thinking about. No question this set me back, and I haven't resolved all of it yet. I'm a little down.
I have to be honest. I started all this just hoping to fix the ED so I could keep doing some things I shouldn't be doing. But I've discovered a lot in the last week. I've said it several times. It's about becoming the person I want to be. But the person I'm leaving behind is making it difficult. And there's a lot of me that's not ready to let go.
I am going to get this back on track. But this is a set back. And I sure feel like crap right now.
I have to be honest. I started all this just hoping to fix the ED so I could keep doing some things I shouldn't be doing. But I've discovered a lot in the last week. I've said it several times. It's about becoming the person I want to be. But the person I'm leaving behind is making it difficult. And there's a lot of me that's not ready to let go.
I am going to get this back on track. But this is a set back. And I sure feel like crap right now.
rider654321
Active Member
Jijnyasu said:
Hi Jijnyasu
Can I ask why "Real sex with your wife" was the last rule, and the "masturbation rule" was put ahead of that?
As for masturbation, I personally believe it poses a real danger to a successfull reboot for guys like us who want to nurture a fulfilling relationship with our wives or SO. The problem is your still hiding the masturbation from her, and your turning to yourlsef to get your fix.
The problem with that (at least as I see it) is that if your mind works anything like mine, everytime I masturbated it meant I was more anxious about the likelyhood of ED happening the next time I went to make love with my wife. I always knew in my head that the longer it was since my last climax the hornier I usually was, and the more likely it would be easier for me to get and maintain an erection.
However, if I had masturbated that day and then the opportunity to make love came along that night, I would
(a) not be feeling as horny because I'd already climaxed earlier that day, and
(b) I'd usually have a mind that was filled with guilt about having masturbated earlier in the day (which as all us blokes know is never conducive to arousal).
I would encourage you to give up the masturbation for good and incorporate that into your reboot. You have a loving wife that is likely to be more than willing to tend to your needs in that regard. So I would urge you not to risk short circuiting your reboot by polluting your mind with feelings of guilt over masturbation.
I know we're all different, but in my opinion allowing yourself to masturbate during your reboot process while also working to rebuild intimacy with your wife is playing on a very slippery slope for a married guy. (I can appreciate that for single guys it's an entirely different matter).
I'm sure if you approached your wife and told her that you need to be relieved at least once a week she'll gladly help you out. But here's the thing I think you may be missing most? If your serious about rebuilding intimacy with your wife or SO, and your incorporating a lot of the non sexual bonding practices into your relationship, then you're going to be getting lucky a lot more than once a week anyway, so you'll be able to rule out rule 4 and the prospect of masturbation altogether anyway!
I haven't masturbated since I began my reboot. I have my eye on a much better prize, and I know there is simply no need to masturbate once you've restored your relationship with your wife back to a normal healthy loving relationship. The sex just comes naturally and its great!
You make some good points. But, I wasn't going to hide the masturbation from her. She knows I masturbate and she has said before that if I'd stop doing it so much everything would be better. Turns out she was right all along. I was going to talk to her tonight about our time together this morning and what I did later. Actually, what I'm not 100% sure she knows is that I hadn't masturbated in a week. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm trying to cut way back. But she'll be shocked how long I went. Probably as shocked as I am! lol
Going to stay on track, and tomorrow I'll finish dealing with the crap that came up today. I'm really angry at "old me" for setting so many land minds.
Going to stay on track, and tomorrow I'll finish dealing with the crap that came up today. I'm really angry at "old me" for setting so many land minds.
rider654321
Active Member
Mate, its a big step forward just acknowledging that what you wrote was crap.
While ever you remain in the mindset of trying to beat the ED just so that you can continue to do the stuff you know you shouldn't be doing, your not on the right path to beating your addiction.
You need to rid yourself off all those old contacts, delete the old private email accounts you had and never go back there again.
While ever you remain in the mindset of trying to beat the ED just so that you can continue to do the stuff you know you shouldn't be doing, your not on the right path to beating your addiction.
You need to rid yourself off all those old contacts, delete the old private email accounts you had and never go back there again.
I've talked around it enough. I need to face this.
About a year ago the porn issue escalated. I started meeting women on line, looking to have an affair. I did meet some women, but nothing much happened. That led to escorts, and that's a pretty recent change. I did it 4 times. 2 of those, I couldn't perform, even with Viagra. And to be honest, that's what led me here. Every day, the escort idea fades a little more. I'm connecting with my wife and I think I'm going to be OK.
What threw me off earlier this week was contract from two different women I'd met earlier.* I hadn't heard from or tried to contract either in months. Two of them from out of no where on the same morning is just crazy. This is a difficult hurdle for me to clear. It shouldn't be. I know what's right and I know what I need to do. It will take me just a little time to push through this. I'm being strong everywhere else. I still haven't looked at any porn and I'm not committed to not masturbating at all for as long as it takes to get past this. I just wasn't prepared for this to pop up right now. It really feels like God, or whatever you want to call it, is testing me.
I just need a little time with all this. I know the right answer. I'm pretty sure I can get there. And I'm trying.
*(edit) There were actually FOUR contacts. It's amazing they all came within a few hours. Two were fairly easy to deal with.
About a year ago the porn issue escalated. I started meeting women on line, looking to have an affair. I did meet some women, but nothing much happened. That led to escorts, and that's a pretty recent change. I did it 4 times. 2 of those, I couldn't perform, even with Viagra. And to be honest, that's what led me here. Every day, the escort idea fades a little more. I'm connecting with my wife and I think I'm going to be OK.
What threw me off earlier this week was contract from two different women I'd met earlier.* I hadn't heard from or tried to contract either in months. Two of them from out of no where on the same morning is just crazy. This is a difficult hurdle for me to clear. It shouldn't be. I know what's right and I know what I need to do. It will take me just a little time to push through this. I'm being strong everywhere else. I still haven't looked at any porn and I'm not committed to not masturbating at all for as long as it takes to get past this. I just wasn't prepared for this to pop up right now. It really feels like God, or whatever you want to call it, is testing me.
I just need a little time with all this. I know the right answer. I'm pretty sure I can get there. And I'm trying.
*(edit) There were actually FOUR contacts. It's amazing they all came within a few hours. Two were fairly easy to deal with.
I can relate.
So far, quitting PMO has been relatively easy, quitting MO very difficult but very possible, and contacts from my past are like my Kryptonite! I have not been in contact or responded to any of my previous relationships, but it is the absolute hardest part for me so far. I guess that means it is the last part of the addiction that needs my full attention and vigilance. Thinking about it as a test is actually very helpful. There may be a reason all of those contacts came at once. You are being put to the test. I hope you can use it as motivation and be up to the challenge. Be strong! Get some more time in between you and these contacts and it won't be nearly as difficult.
So far, quitting PMO has been relatively easy, quitting MO very difficult but very possible, and contacts from my past are like my Kryptonite! I have not been in contact or responded to any of my previous relationships, but it is the absolute hardest part for me so far. I guess that means it is the last part of the addiction that needs my full attention and vigilance. Thinking about it as a test is actually very helpful. There may be a reason all of those contacts came at once. You are being put to the test. I hope you can use it as motivation and be up to the challenge. Be strong! Get some more time in between you and these contacts and it won't be nearly as difficult.
Thanks for the reply. That is exactly my experience. I'm amazed the porn is fairly easy. Tempting, but easy to shut down. The MO I can do, I'm pretty sure. But this really screwed me up.
Today I've at least gotten to the point where I have ignored a text message. But these two women are very nice and they are real people who are dealing with their own problems. Ignoring them isn't really the answer. I need to tell them both that I'm working on my marriage and can't really talk to them anymore. And I know they will both understand and probably actually encourage me. I know the only thing stopping me is the little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my options open, which is exactly the opposite of what I need to do. I deleted my account on the site where I met these women. I know I won't actively go looking for anyone at this point. Shutting these doors will end it. And that's what I need to do.
Today I've at least gotten to the point where I have ignored a text message. But these two women are very nice and they are real people who are dealing with their own problems. Ignoring them isn't really the answer. I need to tell them both that I'm working on my marriage and can't really talk to them anymore. And I know they will both understand and probably actually encourage me. I know the only thing stopping me is the little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my options open, which is exactly the opposite of what I need to do. I deleted my account on the site where I met these women. I know I won't actively go looking for anyone at this point. Shutting these doors will end it. And that's what I need to do.
Don't underestimate the power of posting things here. "Getting it all out" just seems to help me. Just a couple of hours later, one down, one to go.
I can do this. I know who I want to be. The man I want to be doesn't text women who aren't his wife. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to these other women, even if I am "honest" with them. And it isn't fair to me. All it has ever gotten me is regret.
I can do this. I know who I want to be. The man I want to be doesn't text women who aren't his wife. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to these other women, even if I am "honest" with them. And it isn't fair to me. All it has ever gotten me is regret.
rider654321
Active Member
Those flashes and thoughts lasted about 3 weeks for me. They diminished rapidly after that. Keep strong and just shift your thought to something else as soon as they come up.
Thanks Rider. Hopefully it will be short lived.
This has been by far the most difficult day of this adventure. Even just a few hours later, that sounds a little silly. These weren't "real" relationships, and certainly not healthy. And they were totally messing up my progress becoming the man I want to be, and having the marriage I want to have. My wife and I spent time together again tonight, and she said something really sweet about how nice it is that we're bonding so much in the last couple of weeks. She kind of instinctively asked me to touch her in a way that is very much like one of those exercises from the non sex couples bonding link. And the little sting of loss from these messed up relationships faded quite a bit.
This might all sound stupid to you if you've never made these mistakes. But I've covered a ton of ground in less than two weeks. I can do this. I'm more confidant than ever. And if any other ghosts pop up, I'm ready to deal with them.
This has been by far the most difficult day of this adventure. Even just a few hours later, that sounds a little silly. These weren't "real" relationships, and certainly not healthy. And they were totally messing up my progress becoming the man I want to be, and having the marriage I want to have. My wife and I spent time together again tonight, and she said something really sweet about how nice it is that we're bonding so much in the last couple of weeks. She kind of instinctively asked me to touch her in a way that is very much like one of those exercises from the non sex couples bonding link. And the little sting of loss from these messed up relationships faded quite a bit.
This might all sound stupid to you if you've never made these mistakes. But I've covered a ton of ground in less than two weeks. I can do this. I'm more confidant than ever. And if any other ghosts pop up, I'm ready to deal with them.
rider654321
Active Member
Mate, that is awesome to read that you know you've covered so much ground.
Seriously, you have to hang in there as the rewards keep coming when you stay committed and focus your energy on just the re-bonding with your wife.
Look, as for the ghosts of the past. If you had a secret email account delete it. If you can't do that then change the password to something you'll quickly forget (don't write it down), or go in and individually block the email addresses of those old contacts so they can not contact you.
It's easily done and removes the possibility of them getting in the way later. Get rid of them now! You don't want them popping up at a weak moment down the track.
Seriously, you have to hang in there as the rewards keep coming when you stay committed and focus your energy on just the re-bonding with your wife.
Look, as for the ghosts of the past. If you had a secret email account delete it. If you can't do that then change the password to something you'll quickly forget (don't write it down), or go in and individually block the email addresses of those old contacts so they can not contact you.
It's easily done and removes the possibility of them getting in the way later. Get rid of them now! You don't want them popping up at a weak moment down the track.
Good job man! I know how tough it is. You did the right thing. The fog of regret will fade quickly, followed by a feeling of pride in knowing you did the right thing.
I have found it is a big help to be final about shutting doors. I got rid of old e-mail addresses, removed IM programs from my computer, wiped hard drives clean, and installed a blocker on my web browser. If I had old contact info for people, I deleted all of their info so I can get in touch with them in a moment of weakness. Don't give yourself any options!
I have found it is a big help to be final about shutting doors. I got rid of old e-mail addresses, removed IM programs from my computer, wiped hard drives clean, and installed a blocker on my web browser. If I had old contact info for people, I deleted all of their info so I can get in touch with them in a moment of weakness. Don't give yourself any options!
Thanks guys
It's the same as avoiding porn. You decide what you're going to do, know that it's right, and don't think about it. If you let the messed up part of your brain start thinking about it, you will always come up with an excuse to do it this "one last time". I knew what I needed to do. I knew exactly what to say, and I just did it, even though a voice in the back of my head was absolutely screaming at me to do something else. I feel better about it today. And proud that I pushed through a lot of wrong thinking to do what I know is right. It's easy to type that, but it's really hard to actually do.
I've deleted accounts and contacts. I wasn't as smart about some things as I should have been. I gave my phone number to some people. It's not a practical solution to change it. No way to be 100% sure, but the odds of anyone else dropping out of the sky are very small.
It's the same as avoiding porn. You decide what you're going to do, know that it's right, and don't think about it. If you let the messed up part of your brain start thinking about it, you will always come up with an excuse to do it this "one last time". I knew what I needed to do. I knew exactly what to say, and I just did it, even though a voice in the back of my head was absolutely screaming at me to do something else. I feel better about it today. And proud that I pushed through a lot of wrong thinking to do what I know is right. It's easy to type that, but it's really hard to actually do.
I've deleted accounts and contacts. I wasn't as smart about some things as I should have been. I gave my phone number to some people. It's not a practical solution to change it. No way to be 100% sure, but the odds of anyone else dropping out of the sky are very small.