And I'm off.

[Jijnyasu]

Two weeks. OK. That went by pretty quickly. And I feel like my thinking is getting right. I keep thinking about what I said about not having to worry if my wife wants to use my phone for something. I'm there. And that's really nice.

I had a rough day on Saturday. Kept thinking about things I shouldn't. But today was really good. Just have to take it a day at a time and stay focused on my goal. I'm a good person, and I'm becoming the man I want to be, with the relationship I want to have with my wife.

 

[rider654321]

By staying strong you will be pleased with how things get better exponentially as you move along your reboot. At 2 weeks I was still being tested every now and then, so you will find it gets easier the further you progress. After 3 weeks it got so much easier, at least for me it did.

You have to stay determined its really as simple as that. You have to say NO to the thoughts when they arise. You have to keep your eye on the prize and remain focused on your relationship with your wife.

It does get easier and your mind will begin to clear of all the incidental shit it keeps throwing up at you. Old habits do die hard after all, so you have to expect this to be a fairly long journey to full recovery, but the improvements will come much sooner.

It may not be on the same time frame I have enjoyed, but you will get there so long as you stay true to yourself.   

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

My wife went off to work this evening and will not be home until tomorrow. I didn't stay strong.

I admire you guys for your determination and commitment. Something I had for just under a month a while back. However, since I slipped I have not found it in myself to stay committed to sobriety. That being said, reading your posts gives me hope.


Disappointed in myself.

 

[rider654321]

Survivor,
Mate sorry to hear that you gave in.
But with the greatest respect mate, you don't just slip?
You were tested and you made a conscious choice to give in, and I feel for you. 

One thing I have come to realise is there is no hoping or wishing your way to success in here. There's no amount of discussion or support that can get you past this addiction if your going to accept giving into the cravings as an option when temptation arises, as it does for all of us.
 
Beating this addiction is about determination and holding yourself accountable, and I mean truly ACCOUNTABLE! and maintaining an attitude that will get you through.

The trouble with accepting relapses is that it makes it easier to accept the next one too.

I know your disappointed, but I'd encourage you to get back on the program and be more vigilant of your thoughts and where they are leading you next time.     

 

[Pheonix]

I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you find the determination to restart that counter and get back on the right track.

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks Phoenix and Rider.

The heaviness of this thing is sapping my energy. I think it's a feeling of hopelessness. Right now I feel as if it's hopeless for me to keep trying. I've gone head to head with the beast countless times and every time the beast ultimately wins. I get a few days sobriety under my belt, then I'm left to my own devices because I'm alone and I just cave. It's a never ending cycle.

I know it's because I won't let myself go through the initial discomfort of having to deal with the urge. I've been there before. However, I also know from past experience that if I hang in there and live with the cravings they will pass. Additionally, I know that after a few days they will lessen. I've experienced that before also. That's how I've gotten to 26 days and 35 days of sobriety.

A big part of the struggle for me is the first 72 hours after a slip. That's when the cravings are at their most powerful. After that I seem to have the strength to get beyond it. It becomes a timing thing. If my wife is around for four days I do not have the opportunity to look and, as a result, my resistance to the pull becomes stronger. However, if she is away during that initial four day period I find it incredibly difficult to resist the temptation.

I know I'm not telling any of you anything that you have not experienced yourself. Additionally, I know that many of you have faced the same demon, stared it down and gotten through that time. I keep saying these things because I know that by my saying them I am reinforcing to myself what I already know. I gotta talk about it in order to give myself the strength to deal with it.

As I've said in the past, if I look on this site prior to acting out I don't act out. Yesterday afternoon I did not go to this site first and ended up acting out. Last night I had every intention to act out again. However, I went to this site first and, consequently, did not act out. So... that's why I keep repeating myself. I need to reinforce the message over and over and over again every time the urge comes up. That's the only way I can get beyond this stuff.

At times I feel like some kinda dunce. "You've been saying the same thing to yourself repeatedly for over fifteen years. What's wrong with you? Are you stupid? Why can't you absorb what you know and simply stay away from this sh*t?" But... That's the only way I know how to do it. Surrender my thoughts to people like yourselves in order to be accountable. It feels humiliating at times. I read all your success stories and I keep slipping every two or three days. Then I think I'm wasting both my time and yours because I'm not doing what needs to be done.

BUT... big but here. Another part of me refuses to give up. I'm 62 years old and I want to live as a person that has learned from my mistakes and has grown and evolved beyond those mistakes. I want to do it for my grandchildren. I want to be what I would like them to be. I gotta keep showing up here, cough up my dirty hairball and swallow my bitter pill of embarrassment every time I slip. If I don't I will slide back into the pit of despair again.


Good day to you all.     

 

[survivor]

Survivor again.

A couple of things.

1) My wife is out for the day and, as a result, I find myself home alone once again.

There is a small part of me that wants to act out, however, it's not because I'm craving sexual stimulation. Rather, I'm feeling dragged out, struggling to find motivation and dealing with a sense of heaviness. Learned experience has taught me that acting out will give me a temporary dopamine, endorphin hit which would give me a boost. That's what I'm craving right now.

Well... don't want to go that way. So... because of what I wrote earlier, I recognize the need to turn my thoughts into words rather than stewing on this stuff and pretending I can handle it on my own. I know how sneaky this stuff is and I know how it can mess up my head if I don't let it out into the light.

So there I am. Gonna be okay for now.

2) I have a problem. Since my post this morning I received an email from another member that was posted to my gmail account. To begin, I have to wonder how someone has been able to trace my gmail account through this site. Secondly, although I do understand that this particular member was only trying to be supportive, I need to state emphatically that I do not want to receive messages on my other account. My wife and I both share the same gmail account and, although she is aware of the fact that I post on Reboot Nation I do not discuss my recovery process with her. So PLEASE do not post any more messages to my personal email address. 

 

[Jijnyasu]

I don't think anyone has your email address. If you send a private message through here, it also comes to the email address you signed up with. I wouldn't worry about it.

I was feeling pretty week there for a bit, but coming on here and reading some things got me in shape. Going to have another good day. Thanks guys.

 

[rider654321]

Hi Survivor,
What Jijnyasu said is correct. When anyone sends you a private message it's not to your email account directly. The site here sends the notification to your email address, but the probelem is you can read the entire message there. So that may be an issue for you to resolve by setting up another account. Otherwise sooner or later it's going to cause you grief.

What you wrote was fabulous and honest. Look we have all been there and know what its like. I have failed so many times in the past at giving up P I've lost count. And I failed for the exact reasons you described.

This time its different. I have so much more knowledge of the real problem. I understand the porn's not the problem, it's actually the reward system in my brain. I know the real enemy now and I know how to overcome it. Starve it of its supply of the bad shit, and nourish it with a supply of good emotions I have achieved through the use of the non sexual bonding techniques with my wife.

The big difference to my success is I am focused on improving my relationship. I'm not just focused on fighting off the urges to watch porn, and I believe that shift of focus has been incredibly important to my success. My focus is on finding ways and opportunities to just be intimate with Mrs Rider. Just little things that mean a lot and build a deeper connection. When my mind is focused on that it's a win win situation because Mrs Rider's loving it and so am I.

I think if you go into this just wanting to fight off the urge, then urge feels much stronger? So for all us marriage guys or guy's already in relationships, my advice is make the reboot about much more than just beating the dreaded porn addiction.

It is possible to beat this thing, but you have to be a bit smarter about it than thinking its just about giving up on the porn. 

 

[Jijnyasu]

I can't imagine anyone here hasn't tried and failed for years. Especially in this forum. We're all over 40, so we were around when the whole on line porn thing started. That's a lot of years of leaning on something and building a habit. It's not easy to stop. But it can be done. You'll get there.

 

[rider654321]

I bet money on that one too Jijnyasu. The number of times I tried and failed is far more than I could ever recall. 

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks guys, both for your encouraging words and your input regarding the email I received.

I talked to my wife about the email because one of my main concerns was that I did not want her to stumble on something  she was unaware of. Even though I hope I don't receive any more posts to my personal account her knowing that they could come, and what they represent should they come, alleviates any fears I had that she might react badly if she had stumbled on one without knowing what it was about.

I had a good day. Posting instead of peeking kept me on track and kept me sober. Additionally, as a result I had lots of creative energy to expend on making art as opposed to depleting it on porn. I need to stay with it and I need to stay close to you people. I will be alone again for a good part of the day tomorrow so it's crucial that I keep in touch.

I love feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, which is what I get when I'm sober. Additionally I do all the right things - walk, eat properly, get a good night's sleep, nurture my brain with healthy material such as reading a novel, etc. All it requires is staying away from porn. Seems like a pretty simple, logical choice doesn't it? Sh*t versus serenity. Gotta stay focused and cut off any pollutants before they seep into my brain. Additionally I need to tell you people about the seepage before it becomes a flood.

Rider I like what you had to say about doing more than just fighting the urge. I'm an artist. Over the past couple of months, due to various reasons I have not had an opportunity to make art. However, today I was able to get back into my studio again. It was pure bliss. I have always known that the only thing that is as strong as my addiction, and ultimately has the power to curb my addiction, is my desire to make art. When I make art everything is cool. However, if I don't make art for a while my well gets empty and then toxic things (negativity, anxiety, self-doubt, resentment) gradually pour into the well. Art feeds my soul, it's my essence. Always has been and always will be. It's who I am. When I don't nurture it eventually bad things start to happen. Can't explain it. That's just how it works for me.

So... over the past few months I've gotten out of balance. That's one of my wife's favourite words 'BALANCE'. I'm not a very good balance kind of guy. When I make a list of things I want to get done I tend to sacrifice everything else in order to get done what I set out to do. I don't like having a whole bunch of projects sitting around half completed. But the problem is when I do that I don't make art because I don't want to have a painting sitting on the easel half finished. Once I'm into it I'm in  touch with it so to speak, so I have to finish or I lose connection with it. I lose touch with the steps in my head that I have worked out prior to starting. So then I don't make any art in order to finish the list. And then the bad stuff  (primarily resentment over the fact that I'm not making art because I've always got so many other things to do) starts to creep in. Maybe the trick is to make a shorter list! Make mini lists that I can complete in a shorter period of time in order to make art between lists! That's called 'BALANCE'! What a concept! Cool!

One of the things I really like about this stuff is the more I journal on this site the more I learn about myself, how my brain is programmed, how I operate and, through examination, how I can approach things differently. One of the things I know about myself, something I just touched on in the preceeding paragraph, is this all or nothing attitude. It's all one way or all the other. No compromise. Made a list - then finish it. Don't let anything else get in the way until it's done. It becomes a mission! Even the idea of compromising on it makes me feel creepy somehow. The thought of a bunch of loose ends makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's really good information for me. I have to think about that more.

Thanks again to all of you. I am grateful.

 

[rider654321]

Hi Survivor.

What a wonderfully insightful post yours was. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what's going on inside when the addiction bites.

 

[little179]

Hi there mate. Have been reading your posts and seeing myself in a lot of them. I am into my third month now of no porn or masturbating and found out that by emptying my life and mind of that porn shit, i had to fill it up with something else, or the shit will slide back into the hole you dug it out of.......i can say that if i dont keep my mind on the job with other stuff, the temptation can come back to visit. I havtn fallen, and do not intend to. The love of my wife, who does not know about all this, and the friends i have found here, have and WILL get me thru to complete reboot. I dont want to look and porn, i find no desire to but do find myself looking at girls often and imagining them in various stages of dress and 'activity'. This is somehting i am working on now........keep it up mate, we are all here to help each other

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Good morning.

Another day where I am left to my own devices. Feels kinda like being a rebellious teenager - thinking about having a party while Mom and Dad are away for the weekend. "Are you going to be a good boy while we are away Survivor?" I guess that's how my brain operates. Go sneaking off and do what 'I' want to do when nobody else is around. Pretty sneaky and deceitful way to think.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty strong at the moment. I know I need to get my butt out of this chair and get busy. Sitting around for extended amounts of time is not good for me. My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.

And yet they only seem to plague me when I'm actively pursuing porn. The longer I go without porn the less frequent, and less intense, these issues become. So... the porn fuels the remembrance of the situations and the remembrance of the situations fuels the porn. Rather symbiotic. They feed each other and feed on each other. So if I don't pursue one it will gradually dissipate and, as a result, the other one will gradually dissipate also. That's how vigilant I need to be re: what information I let into my brain. It's not only lustful thoughts that need to be checked at the door. It's also negative thoughts of any kind because, for me, porn use feeds on negativity.

Good to remind myself that's how my brain operates.


Catch you later.

 

[Jijnyasu]

I just wanted to make a note of this. Something is different today. It's hard to describe. But looking back through some of my posts, everything looks a little different. First of all, I think I'm only now realizing how deep into this I had really gotten. It's almost like looking at the account of some other person, if that makes sense. I mean, I know it was me, but it doesn't feel like it was me. I'm seeing that this had taken over pretty much my entire consciousness. I thought about it all the time, asleep and awake. For two weeks, I've been directing my thoughts towards other things. But in the last 24 hours, I find my mind is full of other things on it's own. I'm pretty sure it won't be permanent. The thinking pattern will come back. But I'm making careful mental note of how I feel right now. When I slip into another thought pattern, I want to be able to remind myself how I felt this morning.

 

[Jijnyasu]

My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.

Try this. The resentments. Think about it differently. Things happened to you in the past and you've dealt with them with porn. But you now know that the porn is hurting you even more. Are you going to let those things in the past hurt you more and more? Porn won't make them better. It seems like it will, because for a moment you'll feel better. But you know that it actually makes things worse. So you can say to yourself "that won't help" and know that it's true. You know your mind is trying to play a trick on you. But you know that response is no trick. It's a fact. Porn won't help, and you know it will make it worse.

Don't let them hurt you any more. Stop the cycle today. This is your day to stand up and fight back. Now get off the computer and go do something!

 

[Jijnyasu]

No question that I'm having a strange day. My mind is throwing a lot at me. The unusual clarity of this morning was replaced with a weird anxiety and very near relapse. You all know that feeling when your brain has given up resistance and you're resigned to the fact that you're going to find some porn. But something came up that prevented me from doing it at that moment, and I was able to resist after that problem was cleared. That was close.

I'm kind of back to where I've been for the last couple of weeks right now. It pops into my head a lot, and I redirect my thoughts fairly easily. And I'm noticing something else. It's been happening for a few days but I wasn't aware of it. When I do have thoughts I need to redirect, they're not as extreme as they used to be. No need to go into detail here, I'm sure you can all imagine. But realizing that was helpful. Just as the morning erections have been a sign of a difference physically, this realization is a sign of a change mentally. It's reassuring and it's helping me understand that this will work. There's no question about it. The escalation I went through with porn and sex is reversing. I feel like it's really important to press on through the next few days with a lot of attention on my thoughts and absolutely not letting myself fall.

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks for your input re: resentments Jijnyasu. My brain bombarded me with lots of past resentments today. I was aware of the trick - trying to get me hooked again. In almost every instance I was able to cut off the monologue surrounding the resentment as soon as it started. A couple of times it ran on for about 30 seconds when I suddenly realized what I was doing, said "STOP"!, and broke the spell.

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


Thanks again for being there for me.

 

[Jijnyasu]

Glad to hear it Survivor!

I had a rough day. I made it through, but it was rough. Got home on time and was surprised to find I had the house to my self. I wasn't expecting that. So I dressed out and went to the gym. Had a really hard time keeping my eyes where they should be and I felt like a jerk. I'm just having a tough day. Going to bed soon and tomorrow will be better. After that great clarity about everything this morning, it stinks that it got so bad. I'm just bouncing all over the place. But I made it through another day. It was a tough one.