Survivor here.
Thanks guys, both for your encouraging words and your input regarding the email I received.
I talked to my wife about the email because one of my main concerns was that I did not want her to stumble on something she was unaware of. Even though I hope I don't receive any more posts to my personal account her knowing that they could come, and what they represent should they come, alleviates any fears I had that she might react badly if she had stumbled on one without knowing what it was about.
I had a good day. Posting instead of peeking kept me on track and kept me sober. Additionally, as a result I had lots of creative energy to expend on making art as opposed to depleting it on porn. I need to stay with it and I need to stay close to you people. I will be alone again for a good part of the day tomorrow so it's crucial that I keep in touch.
I love feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, which is what I get when I'm sober. Additionally I do all the right things - walk, eat properly, get a good night's sleep, nurture my brain with healthy material such as reading a novel, etc. All it requires is staying away from porn. Seems like a pretty simple, logical choice doesn't it? Sh*t versus serenity. Gotta stay focused and cut off any pollutants before they seep into my brain. Additionally I need to tell you people about the seepage before it becomes a flood.
Rider I like what you had to say about doing more than just fighting the urge. I'm an artist. Over the past couple of months, due to various reasons I have not had an opportunity to make art. However, today I was able to get back into my studio again. It was pure bliss. I have always known that the only thing that is as strong as my addiction, and ultimately has the power to curb my addiction, is my desire to make art. When I make art everything is cool. However, if I don't make art for a while my well gets empty and then toxic things (negativity, anxiety, self-doubt, resentment) gradually pour into the well. Art feeds my soul, it's my essence. Always has been and always will be. It's who I am. When I don't nurture it eventually bad things start to happen. Can't explain it. That's just how it works for me.
So... over the past few months I've gotten out of balance. That's one of my wife's favourite words 'BALANCE'. I'm not a very good balance kind of guy. When I make a list of things I want to get done I tend to sacrifice everything else in order to get done what I set out to do. I don't like having a whole bunch of projects sitting around half completed. But the problem is when I do that I don't make art because I don't want to have a painting sitting on the easel half finished. Once I'm into it I'm in touch with it so to speak, so I have to finish or I lose connection with it. I lose touch with the steps in my head that I have worked out prior to starting. So then I don't make any art in order to finish the list. And then the bad stuff (primarily resentment over the fact that I'm not making art because I've always got so many other things to do) starts to creep in. Maybe the trick is to make a shorter list! Make mini lists that I can complete in a shorter period of time in order to make art between lists! That's called 'BALANCE'! What a concept! Cool!
One of the things I really like about this stuff is the more I journal on this site the more I learn about myself, how my brain is programmed, how I operate and, through examination, how I can approach things differently. One of the things I know about myself, something I just touched on in the preceeding paragraph, is this all or nothing attitude. It's all one way or all the other. No compromise. Made a list - then finish it. Don't let anything else get in the way until it's done. It becomes a mission! Even the idea of compromising on it makes me feel creepy somehow. The thought of a bunch of loose ends makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's really good information for me. I have to think about that more.
Thanks again to all of you. I am grateful.