J
J01
Guest
Being clean is its own reward, and it can push one forward if harnessed properly. Keep it going, and keep up the wide-ranging reading, another activity that also has its own reward ! Enjoy your enjoy!!
Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
- Thread starter MindOverModem
- Start date
MindOverModem
Active Member
jixu said:
Thank you! "wide ranging" reading is key. That includes reading that has nothing to do with rebooting. A big part of the "why?" that motivates me in my reboot is wanting to enjoy my life and be more well-rounded.
MindOverModem
Active Member
TallTree said:
Thank you for reading and for your kind feedback. It's helpful to know I'm reaching people on here. It's important to not just subtract P from my life but to add things like meaningful connections (online and in person) and to make time for others who are struggling on the same path.
MindOverModem
Active Member
DAY 7
Today was wonderful and challenging. The low point which made me feel like I might use was a phone call to customer service over my phone bill. I just took the whole thing too personally and felt bored while I was on the line and felt like I had earned a release when the call was over. I went for a walk instead and watched that feeling pass.
The wonderful part was going out and being in the world. I went to a farmers' market today, and that involved talking to a lot of strangers. I was amazed at the difference in my eye contact and presence. I felt a compassionate connection to others, no shyness or yucky feeling as if they might be able to see all my secretive P use in my eyes.
The past few days, phone calls with my GF have been awesome. Just so much more present and appreciative. Our connection feels stronger than ever, and her voice alone is enough to turn me on. There have also been some flatline type moments this week, but you take the good with the bad. I'm trying to stay open to this whole experience, since trying to control and micromanage my feelings was the heart of the entire P issue for me.
Week 1
I got some awesome advice from a friend who fasts. He said you don't get progressively hungrier. The first 24 hours of a 72 hour fast is the hard part, but 72 hours isn't much harder than 48 hours. I'll take his word for it, I can't imagine 72 hours without food. But I can say that's definitely true for PMO cravings. The second half of this week was much easier than the first couple of days, and it's not like 7 days was harder than 6.
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up to the longest I've ever gone without M since I was young. P wasn't always involved, and I'm not going full nofap, just trying to do it hardmode for as long as I can. Anyway, that's pretty cool. Instead of feeling like I can't do it, I feel excited to be entering the unknown.
That book Fortify talks about this, how cravings come in waves that intensify but gradually pass. When you're in a moment of craving or a day full of cravings, it feels like the urge is just going to keep building until there's a release, but this isn't true. It always goes away eventually, sometimes just a few moments after you notice it.
A week might not sound like much, but it feels like a big deal for me, especially since I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone this long without MO before. Anyway, I'm not here to compare my experience to someone who's farter along. Anyone who's gone the distance has been in my shoes and knows how 7 days feels.
--MOM
Today was wonderful and challenging. The low point which made me feel like I might use was a phone call to customer service over my phone bill. I just took the whole thing too personally and felt bored while I was on the line and felt like I had earned a release when the call was over. I went for a walk instead and watched that feeling pass.
The wonderful part was going out and being in the world. I went to a farmers' market today, and that involved talking to a lot of strangers. I was amazed at the difference in my eye contact and presence. I felt a compassionate connection to others, no shyness or yucky feeling as if they might be able to see all my secretive P use in my eyes.
The past few days, phone calls with my GF have been awesome. Just so much more present and appreciative. Our connection feels stronger than ever, and her voice alone is enough to turn me on. There have also been some flatline type moments this week, but you take the good with the bad. I'm trying to stay open to this whole experience, since trying to control and micromanage my feelings was the heart of the entire P issue for me.
Week 1
I got some awesome advice from a friend who fasts. He said you don't get progressively hungrier. The first 24 hours of a 72 hour fast is the hard part, but 72 hours isn't much harder than 48 hours. I'll take his word for it, I can't imagine 72 hours without food. But I can say that's definitely true for PMO cravings. The second half of this week was much easier than the first couple of days, and it's not like 7 days was harder than 6.
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up to the longest I've ever gone without M since I was young. P wasn't always involved, and I'm not going full nofap, just trying to do it hardmode for as long as I can. Anyway, that's pretty cool. Instead of feeling like I can't do it, I feel excited to be entering the unknown.
That book Fortify talks about this, how cravings come in waves that intensify but gradually pass. When you're in a moment of craving or a day full of cravings, it feels like the urge is just going to keep building until there's a release, but this isn't true. It always goes away eventually, sometimes just a few moments after you notice it.
A week might not sound like much, but it feels like a big deal for me, especially since I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone this long without MO before. Anyway, I'm not here to compare my experience to someone who's farter along. Anyone who's gone the distance has been in my shoes and knows how 7 days feels.
--MOM
MindOverModem
Active Member
DAY 8
Big Wave surfing
Nice problem to have last night. My GF and I got super sexual in a goodnight text conversation. I found myself EXTREMELY turned on. That's a good sign. I'm turned on by my GF, not by some extreme bullshit I saw on a tube site. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with taking the fantasy we were talking about and having a little goodnight M.
But here's the thing, I wouldn't have learned anything by acting on my desire in that moment and releasing all the rising tension. I realized that this was by far the most I've wanted to M all week. (Again, that's a very good sign that a convo with someone I love would turn me on more than a porn craving.) I saw an opportunity to ride that wave of desire and watch it pass.
If I had just acted on it, it would have been like giving up in the gym when I know I have a little more in me. By taking a step back, I proved to myself that even the strongest desires will dissipate eventually if you just ride the wave.
--MOM
Big Wave surfing
Nice problem to have last night. My GF and I got super sexual in a goodnight text conversation. I found myself EXTREMELY turned on. That's a good sign. I'm turned on by my GF, not by some extreme bullshit I saw on a tube site. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with taking the fantasy we were talking about and having a little goodnight M.
But here's the thing, I wouldn't have learned anything by acting on my desire in that moment and releasing all the rising tension. I realized that this was by far the most I've wanted to M all week. (Again, that's a very good sign that a convo with someone I love would turn me on more than a porn craving.) I saw an opportunity to ride that wave of desire and watch it pass.
If I had just acted on it, it would have been like giving up in the gym when I know I have a little more in me. By taking a step back, I proved to myself that even the strongest desires will dissipate eventually if you just ride the wave.
--MOM
N
Numez
Guest
As a porn addict struggling to recover from porn, it is extremely bad idea to have sexual text conversations. For the first few months, less and less porn cues will turn you on more and more. That is normal because you are depriving yourself for long periods of time and the brain still did not adapted to life without porn, but it is very bad to intentionally get yourself turned on by porn because cravings can get out of control pretty quickly.
I know you have no PIED so maybe you can get away with some texting i dont know... But the message is for those who are reading this and are having PIED. No porn whatsoever is the only path to recovery.
Porn is not just extreme bullshit on tube site. It can be soft, it can be sexting, reading erotic stories or talking on the phone about sexual stuff that turn you on. Whenever you are getting aroused by yourself, you are using porn. When you are on webcam or on the phone with your gf, if you look around yourself, you are still by yourself. Think of yourself as a porn user, not a porn watcher.
Sorry to crash your party but I see you have hundreds of views and I bet a lot of them are PIED or hardcore cases. I dont want them to get an impression that is okay to use sexting or any other type of porn as a substitute for tube sites.
I know you have no PIED so maybe you can get away with some texting i dont know... But the message is for those who are reading this and are having PIED. No porn whatsoever is the only path to recovery.
Porn is not just extreme bullshit on tube site. It can be soft, it can be sexting, reading erotic stories or talking on the phone about sexual stuff that turn you on. Whenever you are getting aroused by yourself, you are using porn. When you are on webcam or on the phone with your gf, if you look around yourself, you are still by yourself. Think of yourself as a porn user, not a porn watcher.
Sorry to crash your party but I see you have hundreds of views and I bet a lot of them are PIED or hardcore cases. I dont want them to get an impression that is okay to use sexting or any other type of porn as a substitute for tube sites.
N
Numez
Guest
Also its not a good sign that you got EXTREMELY turned on by sexting with your gf. You get turned on by porn anyway. If you want to quit porn, goal is not to get extremely turned on by porn but to avoid it at all times.
MindOverModem
Active Member
Nikola Numez said:
That's fair. Thank you for your honest reply. It's not my intention to encourage people to see sexual conversations as part of a healthy reboot. Maybe I should have clarified that this was not a sexting session. We exchanged a couple of sexy comments that I found to be very arousing. Since my goal is hard mode, at least for now, I wasn't interested in following that arousal.
I agree that the definition of porn is much broader than tube sites, especially for those of us working on a reboot. But, to me, it's perfectly natural to be turned on by the thought of being with my girlfriend.
N
Numez
Guest
okay then i misunderstood you or you was not clear enough. getting super sexual in a goodnight text conversation sounds like sexting to me. okay i think i now know what you meant. sexy comments will spontaneously happen from time to time its okay.
you are close to double digit days, keep going you doing alright. stay careful about your communication with your girlfriend now that you are separated.
you are close to double digit days, keep going you doing alright. stay careful about your communication with your girlfriend now that you are separated.
MindOverModem
Active Member
Nikola Numez said:
Thank you, man. Same to you, keep going! You're absolutely right, I need to be careful. It's clear that I could have avoided temptation in that situation before it happened. I'm just happy that it didn't lead to anything else.
You make a really good point about being aware of who might be reading what we post here and how our words might affect their reboot. What I would say to anyone reading this is that you can find yourself in a situation early in your reboot where desire is strong, BUT YOU STILL DON'T HAVE TO USE.
MindOverModem
Active Member
Porn is Sexual Junk Food
I posted something earlier about this, but one thought that has really helped me this time around is looking at P as the sexual equivalent of junk food. Several books on sex and P addiction make this comparison. I find it's a much better analogy than comparing porn to hard drugs or whatever.
Some food is terrible for you and has no nutritional value. It tastes good in the moment, sometimes even better than whole foods, but your body pays for it later even as your brain might be screaming for more. But that doesn't mean eating is bad. The challenge for someone who has developed unhealthy eating habits or a junk food habit is to learn how to eat right.
Porn is like "empty calories." It's extremely stimulating, but it has none of the "nutritional value" of a real sexual connection. There's no intimacy, no love, no touching, no laughter, no eye contact. Porn can't joke around with you after you orgasm. For that matter, you can't give porn an orgasm. Porn can't hold your hand or listen to you.
People who quit sugar and junk food abruptly often feel like crap when they stop taking in the stuff that was making them feel like crap. It gets better.
I didn't always used to exercise and eat right. When I changed those habits, I changed my life. My hope in rebooting is that I'll experience a similar change.
I posted something earlier about this, but one thought that has really helped me this time around is looking at P as the sexual equivalent of junk food. Several books on sex and P addiction make this comparison. I find it's a much better analogy than comparing porn to hard drugs or whatever.
Some food is terrible for you and has no nutritional value. It tastes good in the moment, sometimes even better than whole foods, but your body pays for it later even as your brain might be screaming for more. But that doesn't mean eating is bad. The challenge for someone who has developed unhealthy eating habits or a junk food habit is to learn how to eat right.
Porn is like "empty calories." It's extremely stimulating, but it has none of the "nutritional value" of a real sexual connection. There's no intimacy, no love, no touching, no laughter, no eye contact. Porn can't joke around with you after you orgasm. For that matter, you can't give porn an orgasm. Porn can't hold your hand or listen to you.
People who quit sugar and junk food abruptly often feel like crap when they stop taking in the stuff that was making them feel like crap. It gets better.
I didn't always used to exercise and eat right. When I changed those habits, I changed my life. My hope in rebooting is that I'll experience a similar change.
MindOverModem
Active Member
DAY 9
Hard Mode vs Soft Mode
This is my first time rebooting in hard mode. I've gone over a month without P before, but 9 days is the longest I've ever gone without M. Here are some of the differences I've noticed between hard mode and soft mode.
Hard mode has made me feel better faster. I'm only in my second week, but I can say that 9 days of hard mode feels easier than 9 days of soft mode. Doing it this way creates an upward spiral where I end up focusing more and more on nonsexual outlets that make me feel less restless and more comfortable in my reboot. Feeling better makes me want to focus more on those positive activities and the positive cycle feeds itself.
My cravings for porn are morphing into general horniness. I know I have to be careful because those reward pathways for porn don't just disappear in a week, but it's a good sign that human contact is turning me on more than the thought of using.
I have to get used to my energy coming back to normal. Before this reboot, I had been P free for around 40 days, but then I had a massive slip where I was binging. My energy levels were super low following that binge. Now, normal feels a little hyper especially because I'm not used to the added energy of not O-ing at all.
Stoked to be starting day 9. Grateful to have RN. Thanks for reading.
--MOM
Hard Mode vs Soft Mode
This is my first time rebooting in hard mode. I've gone over a month without P before, but 9 days is the longest I've ever gone without M. Here are some of the differences I've noticed between hard mode and soft mode.
Hard mode has made me feel better faster. I'm only in my second week, but I can say that 9 days of hard mode feels easier than 9 days of soft mode. Doing it this way creates an upward spiral where I end up focusing more and more on nonsexual outlets that make me feel less restless and more comfortable in my reboot. Feeling better makes me want to focus more on those positive activities and the positive cycle feeds itself.
My cravings for porn are morphing into general horniness. I know I have to be careful because those reward pathways for porn don't just disappear in a week, but it's a good sign that human contact is turning me on more than the thought of using.
I have to get used to my energy coming back to normal. Before this reboot, I had been P free for around 40 days, but then I had a massive slip where I was binging. My energy levels were super low following that binge. Now, normal feels a little hyper especially because I'm not used to the added energy of not O-ing at all.
Stoked to be starting day 9. Grateful to have RN. Thanks for reading.
--MOM
MindOverModem
Active Member
Some Motivating Videoes
I spent this morning watching some Youtube videos of Theo Von, Joe Rogan, and Russell Brand discussing P Addiction. Motivating AF.
Joe Rogan & Theo Von talking about P Addiction (Just a warning, they kind of debate porn, and Rogan argues pro porn a little bit. I wouldn't watch it if you feel vulnerable to suggestion) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU9mgMtsb54
Russel Brand on P: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EOJhCsbKE4
https://eu.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2015/03/03/russell-brands-new-role-anti-porn-crusader/24317581/
Russel Brand on P, "soft" P, and 50 Shades of Grey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l369wYpYCOg
I spent this morning watching some Youtube videos of Theo Von, Joe Rogan, and Russell Brand discussing P Addiction. Motivating AF.
Joe Rogan & Theo Von talking about P Addiction (Just a warning, they kind of debate porn, and Rogan argues pro porn a little bit. I wouldn't watch it if you feel vulnerable to suggestion) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU9mgMtsb54
Russel Brand on P: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EOJhCsbKE4
https://eu.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2015/03/03/russell-brands-new-role-anti-porn-crusader/24317581/
Russel Brand on P, "soft" P, and 50 Shades of Grey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l369wYpYCOg
MindOverModem
Active Member
DAY 10
The built-in Forgetter
Keeping an eye on these cravings. I make progress and start feeling like this problem is behind me. But then I find myself deep in craving out of the blue. That's what happened yesterday. I was washing my hands before dinner, and I started thinking about a P related subreddit I used to frequent. Not only did I have a strong craving, but I told myself the lie that I might as well give in and have a look since I'm already thinking about it.
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.
The built-in Forgetter
Keeping an eye on these cravings. I make progress and start feeling like this problem is behind me. But then I find myself deep in craving out of the blue. That's what happened yesterday. I was washing my hands before dinner, and I started thinking about a P related subreddit I used to frequent. Not only did I have a strong craving, but I told myself the lie that I might as well give in and have a look since I'm already thinking about it.
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.
MindOverModem
Active Member
What's your 'Why'?
I was looking at some of my old posts from an earlier attempt at rebooting, and I noticed a vital difference between then and now:
My reasons for rebooting have gotten better. I was definitely aware that there are some deeper reasons to quit P, but my focus was mainly on sex and attraction. I wanted to reboot because so few guys live P free, it might make me stand out. Fair enough, that might be a nice side-effect of the process, but it's not the main reason for doing it.
My focus this time is deeper and more serious. I've mentioned compassion and a loving connection in this thread. I've focused on the person I'm becoming and a desire not to sexually objectify others.
Because I have a better "why" motivating my reboot, the "how" of not looking at P one day at a time is much easier.
--MOM
I was looking at some of my old posts from an earlier attempt at rebooting, and I noticed a vital difference between then and now:
My reasons for rebooting have gotten better. I was definitely aware that there are some deeper reasons to quit P, but my focus was mainly on sex and attraction. I wanted to reboot because so few guys live P free, it might make me stand out. Fair enough, that might be a nice side-effect of the process, but it's not the main reason for doing it.
My focus this time is deeper and more serious. I've mentioned compassion and a loving connection in this thread. I've focused on the person I'm becoming and a desire not to sexually objectify others.
Because I have a better "why" motivating my reboot, the "how" of not looking at P one day at a time is much easier.
--MOM
ImInControl
Active Member
Nice work! as you already know, there will be a lot of these "character building" experiences.
...and what you did, was a demonstration of true inner strength! a true will to change. keep it up
I agree, it is about so much more to this.. compassion and a loving connection toward one self and others, are definitely on top of the scale.
Wish you strength ahead - 10 days is outstanding! you are on to a great start
MindOverModem
Active Member
zazen said:
Thank you! There's a thing in AA about how "we stop fighting anyone or anything, even alcohol." Every day, this reboot becomes a little bit less about NOT watching P and a little bit more about the positive things I replacing it with.
MindOverModem
Active Member
Day 11
A Few Things I Wish I could Tell my Past Self
As I've said before, I think it's only natural to compare past reboot attempts to your current one. Here are a few things I wish I could go back and tell myself. Obviously, I can't change the past, but I can have a different attitude moving forward. This is more like a list of what I've learned.
Post More, Use the Forum
I have an incredible tool to help me reboot literally at my fingertips. I know that a day where I check in here, share my experience, and read others' stories is a day when I'm less likely to use.
Read Up
My first week, I read three books and watched hours of Youtube content on P and sex addiction and rebooting. Knowledge really is power, and it helps to immerse myself in the culture of quitting P.
Porn is More than Pics and Videos
My previous relapses all began with articles and podcasts. That classic definition of P "I know it when I see it" is exactly right. Of all media, I have to ask the question, "does this content serve any purpose besides helping people get off?"
Careful Whose Advice you Take
In past attempts at rebooting, I would often look for "evidence" that P was okay or that I could look at just images or whatever. This time, I've made a decision to cut out P completely. That's my goal, to free myself from P, not to redefine it so that I'm technically already free.
There is no failing, only learning
I got where I am now by fucking up over and over and trying again a little bit wiser.
Embrace the Unkown
I am painfully aware of where P leads. On the other hand, the reboot is a beautiful unknown. Instead of trying to micromanage the outcome, I'm excited to be on a journey into that unknown.
A Few Things I Wish I could Tell my Past Self
As I've said before, I think it's only natural to compare past reboot attempts to your current one. Here are a few things I wish I could go back and tell myself. Obviously, I can't change the past, but I can have a different attitude moving forward. This is more like a list of what I've learned.
Post More, Use the Forum
I have an incredible tool to help me reboot literally at my fingertips. I know that a day where I check in here, share my experience, and read others' stories is a day when I'm less likely to use.
Read Up
My first week, I read three books and watched hours of Youtube content on P and sex addiction and rebooting. Knowledge really is power, and it helps to immerse myself in the culture of quitting P.
Porn is More than Pics and Videos
My previous relapses all began with articles and podcasts. That classic definition of P "I know it when I see it" is exactly right. Of all media, I have to ask the question, "does this content serve any purpose besides helping people get off?"
Careful Whose Advice you Take
In past attempts at rebooting, I would often look for "evidence" that P was okay or that I could look at just images or whatever. This time, I've made a decision to cut out P completely. That's my goal, to free myself from P, not to redefine it so that I'm technically already free.
There is no failing, only learning
I got where I am now by fucking up over and over and trying again a little bit wiser.
Embrace the Unkown
I am painfully aware of where P leads. On the other hand, the reboot is a beautiful unknown. Instead of trying to micromanage the outcome, I'm excited to be on a journey into that unknown.
J
J01
Guest
The concept of "no failing, only learning" is a great one and is useful for not only the porn journey but for many facets of life, including the career quest. Like you, I am also paying more attention to diet in the sense of trying to cut down on sugar; I'm not fanatical about it but it sure is something that needs to be moderated.
Keep plowing ahead and great job on the double digits!
Keep plowing ahead and great job on the double digits!