Kraken's journal

[Kraken]

Today was a better day.  I did my running exercises and ran a bit.  Had a great time with friends tonight and stayed up too late.  But it's Friday night so I'm bot as worried about it.  However, the later half of this week of playing videogames a ton, not leaving the house much and losing momentum is what happened during my last unemployment and I really don't want that to happen again.

Tomorrow the plan is to not play video games.  Tomorrow is a weekend, I don't need to be productive, but I want to break out of that habit loot.  No games just for tomorrow.  Let's see what other fun I can find!

-squid

 

[Kraken]

*cue the music*

Dear Fear,

I'd like to bring up the elephant in the room. 
I run to videogames to hid from you.  Games have been a fun part of my life since I was a kid and I was often shamed by adults for playing them.  Somehow you latched on to this and make me feel as if I don't like playing games, like they are bad, and that there must be something wrong with me for playing them so much.

That's not true.  In fact, games are great fun.  But, only without the giant weight of hiding.  So here's the deal, I like playing computer games and I will  continue to do so.  However, I'm not longer going to act like it's a bad thing and most importantly, I'm going to use them to bring me closer to friends - not to hide away from the world. 

Another thing, I am going to be offered a fantastic job because I am a world-class candidate.  I am going to speak read and write Korean because I am a disciplined student.  I am going to run the Marine Corp marathon because I am a long distance runner.

Fear, each day I will wake up and it will be a great day!  I am going to do what I need to do, when I need to do it regardless of how you make me feel.  After that stuffs done, yeah I'll play some games, awesome! 

I'm going after inner peace.  I'm going after that small voice inside at the end of the day saying "what a great day, that was on purpose". 

What I want to do is well within my ability.  I have decided to move forward.  So fear, you can hem and holler like a puppy but it won't work, I'm not going to let you on the bed -the risk of pee is too high.  Instead I am going to train you to let me know if something is bothering you, I'll investigate, and you will go back to bed. 

Thank you,

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Instead I am going to train you to let me know if something is bothering you, I'll investigate, and you will go back to bed. 

So much of this so awesome, but this really got me. I love that attitude toward fear.

I also love that you're looking for more balanced and sustainable approaches to life. Computer games aren't inherently bad, especially if they keep you connected to friends. It's all about motivation and control.

Moving forward in terms of behavior is good. Moving forward in terms of mindset and attitude is even more powerful, I think, and it sounds like you're taking some big steps forward in that department. Keep it up!

 

[Kraken]

It's been tough man, being unemployed.  I was very busy over the weekend and wanted to be productive today, but I wasn't. 

I stayed until 4:30am woke up at 1pm.  Ate a little, played overwatch and civ, and surfed the web on my phone.  Took a shower at 3pm, roommate came back around then and I felt a sense of shame in acting like such a bum.  It was beautiful outside and I wanted to go on a bike ride.

I put on my exercise clothes, and went to find my headphones.  Couldn't find them so went to play overwatch for a while.  A while turned into the rest of the day.  And then it was dark and I didn't go outside at all today.  Had leftovers for dinner, talked to my dad and my gf on the phone and with my roommate for a little.

But for the most part, 98% of my day, which had an entirely free schedule, was spent zoning out on overwatch.  The time just melted away.  I felt in control, I felt powerful, skilled and part of a team.

This has been a struggle for me man and reminds me of my last unemployment where I played tons of overwatch, hardly left the house and got really depressed.  The thing is I got everything going for me now and I have the knowledge and everything I need to get a job and spend a bit of time each day on running and Korean.  I'm not talking about anything ridiculous, I just want to make at least a little progress each day on those three things.

But when I sit down to play a little in the morning, suddenly the entire day has gone by, I feel drain, iritated, and deeply unhappy after playing like that.

Today I stopped at 2am so that was an improvement.  Ah you know man, I don't like playing games like this.  It's just not fun and makes me feels horrible.  It's hiding, not playing. 

Being numb is only nice until you wake up. 

So, I know I am going to go back what worked last week.  1.  Wake up, 2. Light fitness, 3. job stuff, 4. Korean.  BEFORE PLAYING. 

Here's an interesting observation, once I turn on the faucet of overwatch or to a lesser extent Netflix, google news and youtube, it does not end.  There is no break in the entertainment.  It was designed that way.  The only was to turn it off is choose to turn it off.  So whenever I start to play, I am going to write down when I am stopping.  And at that time I will stop. 

Tomorrow's a new day,

stay free my friends,

-squid

PS Thanks for the comment blue, I appreciate it!  I feel like going through this stuff now will be beneficial to my future.

 

[Kraken]

Been reading through some other journals on here and thinking about a video I saw about the Superbowl.  They talked about how the 49ers were timid even with a solid lead and how being scared of the opposing team cost them the game.  I think I've been too timid too.  This week's my week!  I am going to workout tomorrow, apply to jobs for a few hours, and study for 30 mins.  I'm going to make it.  I walked across America with 30 lbs on my back for 6 months straight living out of a tent.  I climb the equivalent of mount Everest in elevation 16 times in a row.  This shit doesn't have anything on me.  Easy.  Get er done. 

 

[Kraken]

Today was better than yesterday.  I got off overwatch at 2am and did some journaling and fell asleep at 3am instead of 4 like yesterday.  I woke up at 11am instead of 1pm, and I went on a 30 minute walk with my roommate.  My gf could tell something has been off with me the past few days.  I think so too but I don't know what it is.  I think I'm very overwhelmed.

Got my korean class tonight so that will be good.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry about the lost day, but that happens. What's important is that you learn from it and move on, and it sounds like you're starting to.

I remember a few years back I was unemployed through the summer, and that was really rough. I was just home by myself all day every day, and it was really bad for my sense of well-being (and addiction). I finally had to make up reasons to leave the house every day just to get out, see the sun, and interact with other people. I was unemployed (so finances were tight), but I would go to a store I had never been to and just walk around or visit a walking trail or spend some time at a library. It maybe seemed a little silly to invent reasons to go out just to say I had, but I think that really turned things around for me that summer. So maybe especially because you don't have a clear reason to go anywhere, make a specific plan to go somewhere every day or something like that.

Having a clear schedule is important when I'm busy because it helps me stay on top of everything. It's important when I'm not busy because it keeps me from falling into the abyss of nothingness. It's easy to do, and it's totally understandable that you would just sort of zone out if nothing else is going on: you have to kill time somehow. But when it starts to get out of control, that's probably a good sign that it's time to be more deliberate and proactive with how you use time. At least, that's how it has been for me.

But before I ramble too long, it's good that you had a better day today. And I really like what you said about being timid. I think I definitely go the timid route more often than I really want to. I want to have faith in myself and believe that things will work out, but I have had a habit of chickening out and staying in my comfort zone instead of going for the gold. So thanks for giving me something good to think about!

Onward and upward, man!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks Blue!  Just made a plan for tomorrow.  To run, apply to jobs, and I'm visiting my PT for running exercises and seeing my gf.

 

[Kraken]

Today went better.  Still stayed up until 4 but woke up at 11:30 and dod my rehab exercises and then did my run.  Played games for three hours and am now going to see my PT.  Didn't do the job searching today but everything else I did so progress is happening!

 

[Kraken]

Did some reflecting today.  After I woke up and ran and had some food, I felt awesome.  When I think back to everything I did today, that activity makes me smile. 

After running, I feel strong and happy, and light, and full of energy.  It's easier to talk to people and I feel more like myself, nore able to express myself. 

Then, I feel that craving in my brain for games.  I sat down and played for three hours until I had to leave for my appointment.  While playing I did have fun but it was a weak fun caked in numbness, escapism, and fear.  After games, I felt weak, slow, lethargic, and had a slight headache.  It's harder to talk with people and I just feel awful.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Did some reflecting today.  After I woke up and ran and had some food, I felt awesome.  When I think back to everything I did today, that activity makes me smile. 

While playing I did have fun but it was a weak fun caked in numbness, escapism, and fear.  After games, I felt weak, slow, lethargic, and had a slight headache.  It's harder to talk with people and I just feel awful.

This contrast is definitely something to pay attention to. It's like what you were saying to me about the difference between the empty craving of porn and the satisfaction of real connection.

Running and having food is a real accomplishment, and it made you feel awesome. Gaming for a long time probably gave you a lot of artificial achievement, but it left you empty. That's an important learning experience. Put  more time and energy into the things that fill you up. Don't run yourself empty on activities that don't actually refuel you.

On to another, better day!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks blue!  I just found out that my sister who I saw on Sunday had the flu and I might have it too  That would explain why I feel so out of it the past two day and completely drained of energy.  Had a wonderful night at the gf's   Things are going super well, she is a wonderful woman. 

 

[Kraken]

I think I need a gaming reboot.  No gaming for 90 days to see how that feels.  After that time period, I might add back in light social gaming or maybe just transition hanging out with those friends to another activity.  But the gaming is a huge barrier to who I want to become.  Sitting that much makes it hard to run properly because I'm all tight and out of balance.  Gaming also makes it really hard to think clearly, it creates chatter in my brain and takes a ton of time.  All of those things are the opposite of learning a language and make it was harder.  I'm going to journal every day.

Reboot the game day 0

I'm nervous and wonder if I can even pull it off because I've been wanting to stop for a long time.  But I remind myself I thought the same thing about pmo for over ten years and look at me now .  In a relationship I've only dreamed of and am very satisfied.

Wish me luck.

Korean lesson tonight

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good luck!

It may be obvious to ask, but are you keeping the games around during your reboot? Can you delete them/leave them at a friend's house or something? Getting some space from gaming will be a lot easier if you put them out of reach.

But I'm supportive of the gaming reboot. It has been a recurring thing for you to talk about how it's not helping you. Even if it's not porn or not even inherently bad, if it's holding you back, let it go.

Go get 'em! (And feel better soon!)

 

[Kraken]

Thanks blue!  I do all my gaming on the computer so everything is just one download away and it's the same place I've been trying to job search which has been very triggering.  I do have a laptop in addition to the desktop, so my plan is to take it tomorrow to the library or a coffee shop for job applying.  I am deleting the games though.

 

[Kraken]

Did good the rest of the night.  Instead of gaming, I took a bath, read 30 pages of a novel, made a snack and talked with my gf for an hour on the phone.  Way better use of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to do job searching first after breakfast then workout.  Switching the order up, job needs to be first.

 

[Kraken]

Reboot the game day 1:

Ended falling asleep around 2am and woke up at around noon.  I'm happy I slept a lot though because now I am feeling less sick.  Had breakfast and filed for my initial unemployment claim which is something I've been procrastinating for three weeks.  Sent a few messages out to my network watched some youtube and then did my rehab exercises.  Then went on a run with my roommate.  It went very well with much less pain.  The work with the PT is paying off already .  Now I'm at the gym for a light lifting work out.

I'm noticing that not gaming gives me a ton of time but more importantly, it gives me mental space to make decisions instead of being on autopilot all day.

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like a good day 1! Finding more time is awesome, but I think it's even more awesome that you're finding more mental space. I have noticed that I do so many things (playing games, watching videos, playing music) to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Some days, I go to bed feeling my head is stuffed full of nothing. I really do fell better when I give myself some mental space.

So keep it up!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks for your replies as always Blue!  Tonight after dinner I started watching supersize me 2, the documentary and I am really enjoying it.  Also went and got a haircut . 

Even though watching a movie for instance is also entertainment like gaming, it's new material, not the same loop of playing the same game all day long.  Actually I think the biggest difference is that a movie has an end.  Games these days are games as a service, these do not end.  Every week or so the development team changes something or evolves the game to keep you playing instead of trying something else.  They are very easy to get stuck in, and your attention goes into the game.

Since your attention has been taken, tricked, stolen, you don't notice things.  You don't notice gaining 40 pounds, you don't notice you haven't talked to old friends in months, you don't notice the voice inside telling you your calling. 

How can the hero answer the call if he doesn't hear it?

 

[Kraken]

I used to believe it was impossible.

It's not. 

It is worth it. 

Every single hour I treasure, all 5,184 of them. 

Pmo free:
216 days
Or 7 months, 1 day
18,662,400 seconds
311,040 minutes
5184 hours
216 days
30 weeks and 6 days
59.18% of a common year (365 days)