Finally after two weeks I'm feeling well again. It was a rough illness.
As I sat tonight at 3am I was struck by a deep thought, my thought. I'm ready to give my goals another try. I thought about quitting and settling down a bit and letting some go. But that's not true to who I am. I meant what I said and it's time to put in the work. I've been talking a lot to anyone who will listen the past few years about all these cool things I want to do. I'm done talking, I know I can do these things and that they are important to me.
There is nothing worse than being something and not living that way. A runner who doesn't run, a hikers who doesn't hike, and painter who doesn't paint. This is not the way.
I just want someone to know that I recognize that I've been living dangerously and not in a way I'm proud of. Sleeping till noon, staying up till 4, playing 14 hours of video games a day, only going outside for 30 minutes a day. Not job searching like I should and just generally hiding from my calling in a virtual world. It hasn't all been like this and I've had bright spots but this habit has got to go. The trend line on it is deadly.
So what am I going to do? Everything I should be doing that I've been putting off. Tomorrow that's crosstraining, studying and setting up the online blog.
As far as pmo, it's been smooth sailing for the most part. There was one event a few days ago where I was reading the news on my phone and after reading an article I noticed it was in an online magazine I used to pmo to. I didn't do anything but a few hours later the chaser from that triggered me again and I typed in the name of the site to get to the hot section. But then on the homepage where I couldn't see anything except because of tiny thumbnails I mentally said stop and turned off my phone. So turned a dangerous situation into a victory.
Things with my gf have been awesome, we are both in love. I have lots of sex now and she says I'm the best she has ever had. That meant a lot because only a year ago I wondered if I would be single and never have sex again forever while I was deep in my pmo habit. All the PE and ED and DE have gone away as I've gotten more comfortable and stayed away from pmo.
I do feel a conviction to live more actively but that's not to say 2019 wasn't my best year on record. I moved out to an awesome apartment with an awesome roommate, got a new job (that has since ended), am dating a wonderful woman, and stopped pmoing. What a year. Do you know how many times I tried to quit pmo? Thousands and thousands of times over 10 years. It got to the point where I thought it was impossible, that I would always be doing it. But I haven't in 37 weeks.
That's amazing to me. It's totally worth it too, real sex with someone you love is infinitely better than pmo. And only by leaving pmo for a few months was I able to get out there and start dating again. The positive effects of the reboot were very helpful for dating.
. Tomorrow I'll take care of some chores and then do pt exercises and study a bit of korean.