Kraken's journal

[Kraken]

Not too much to update, life is going very well.  Me and my gf had a chat about what fourm I post to and why I don't watch porn.  I had told her previously but not that many details.  The timing felt right.  She didn't mind of course and was very happy in my success of moving away from that old habit. 

In other news I'm having better sex than I knew was possible.  So that's super cool.  Man just 9 months ago I could barely get hard to any stimulation.  I was also super nervous and would PE really fast after I got a bit hard.  Not the case at all anymore.  Everything works great.  It gives me good confidence that things work and I can express myself in that way.  I used to read journals on here of others that rebooted and went on to have regular great sex with a lover and I wasn't sure if it was possible.  But it worked!  Blessed.

-squid

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Man super inspiring bro! Really glad to hear that things have continued to go so well for you.

Keep up the good work and awesome that you are working on the new habits. Huge congrats on the great relationship and sex with your girlfriend!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad things are going well! It's awesome to come back to good reports from people.

Keep it going!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks everyone!  Tonight I was playing some overwatch abd was getting tired, near my bedtime, and I was also watching a sports talk show.  I've seen them before and enjoy the show but they got a new female introducer that was very triggering.  I feel the old feelings.  Freaked out a little.  Found out what her name was in the comments and started to search, found the Wikipedia page and a YouTube segment from the show and stopped.  And then came on here to post my feelings.  That always helps.

Didn't find anything triggering in my search because I ended it so fast.  I can easily see how one thing could lead to another.  And I really don't want to go back down that road.  So I'm proud I got out so quickly.  Triggering things come up from time to time and my response tonight was very promising.  Not how it used to be before the reboot.

I've been thinking about fear a bunch.  I'm in a unique situation where all my excuses for not working hard towards my dreams are suddenly gone.  And I'm still procrastinating, and I feel bad about it sometimes and then I remember I am making great progress towards my dreams and  working on them.  I wonder what action makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough.  Maybe it's just something from childhood.  Maybe not.  It seems to come after I zone out playing games and realized I wasn't actually having fun and it felt more like hiding than playing.

 

[Kraken]

Yesterday I was very active and outside, and had a plan for the day and felt so alive.  Today I stayed in and played games all day long and tonight I feel dead and low energy.

The truth of the matter is that in my heart of hearts, I want to take a long break from the gaming and other binge digital activities.  I've hardly ever done that in my life, and I want to see if that helps me retain agency to move forward in my life goals.

I've mentioned this a few times in the journal and it has been a challenge. 

 

[Kraken]

The thing about challenges is their difficulty and reward.  Challenging to day after day stay focused, yes.  But the reward is vast and rich.  As I sit in my chair, the world outside calls.  Pluck up heart, we are not done yet.  I can stay focused, I can do my work.  I will do my work.  I'm not a child any longer.  All actions have consequences and I want some better consequences.  Today's a brand new day.  Yesterday really did end last night.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Hey man, glad to hear the update.

Sounds to me like cutting out gaming 100%, at least temporarily, is the way to go. Gaming has been a recurring theme for months and months that I have seen in the journal, maybe years. But again it'd have to be something that you really want to do. Like quitting P, it's a decision and commitment that you'd have to make yourself.

Perhaps set aside a chunk of time, hours even, to reflect on the video games and what you want to do about them.

 

[Kraken]

Thanks so much for your reply quit!  You're right, I think rebooting it is the way to go.  My pattern of making progress on things for a few weeks and then getting distracted and giving up corelates to gaming a lot.  When I play games, I play games about managing things, about exploring, about building, about teamwork and competition, all things I love.  And when I play I feel safe and comfortable comfortable and have fun. 

But the games aren't real, and I have a real body, real bills, real relationships that need my care and attention.  Attention I've been putting towards gaming.  I'd like to get to the point where I can play once or twice a week to catch up with old friends and that's a good thing.  But that's not the sort of gaming I'm doing.  I'm hiding.

Why?  I don't know, I don't want people to rely on me and then let them down.  It's scary if I really give things my all and it doesn't work.  In my head I know that these things aren't true but I guess the truth is that life is tough.  And I can get away with being lazy and super comfortable for now but eventually it will catch up to me.  And the habit scares me.  It's dangerous.


I don't think gaming is bad but for years the habit has been so close to me, I can't even imagine what it would be like not to play games.  I'd have tons and tons of free time that would be challenging to fill.

But I could do it.

I'm 302 days porn free and that change was very difficult absolutely.  But since making that change that area of my life has improved so dramatically it's almost unrecognizable.  I'm in love and I could barely imagine that a year ago.  So of course I can do it. 

I'm going to clean a bit tonight and reflect on what I can do.

Stay free my friends,

Squid

 

[Kraken]

Going pro, day 1


I have decided.  I am going to reboot from gaming and from solo digital entertainment.  I understand that this is going to cause major disruptions in my daily habits and the first few months might get bumpy, but it's something I know I need to do.

I'm going to get a ton of free time.  90% of my waking hours are currently spent gaming when I'm at my house and I don't really enjoy it anymore.  The only thing I do like os catching up with friends, and because of quarentine, I'm limited with how I can catch up.

So the rules of the reboot:

90 days and then I will revaluate

A professional focus and energy on the joy of following my dreams.  This reboot has less to do about gaming and more to do about half marthon training, korean language studying, becoming an expert digital marketer, and connecting with the world through blogging and social media.  These activities plus reading books and audiobooks will fill the time.

In bed by 11

No gaming or solo digital watching: specifically overwatch, battlebrothers, the sopranos, youtube.  I don't think these things are bad, I just need a break to make habits on how to use them responsibily.

The two exceptions:
I will play space engineers or divinity original sin 2 with my old friends once or twice a week.  But I will plan in advance the time I am getting off.  This does not equate to much of the time I play games.  I can adjust as needed.  This is kind of an experiment to see if I can play responsibily and I don't want to further self isolate. 

 

[Kraken]

It did not work.  I still stay up very late, still play a ton of videogames and still feel frustrated at my lack of progress on things I care about.  I know I have a ton of potential and it just feels sad to waste so much time.  Time that is so valuable.  There's no magic cure or perfect plan.  All I know is this, I feel a calling to do more than hide in my bedroom.  I've done great things and will do greater still.  I've chosen these activities and they have become habits.  I don't like the outcome of these habits.  That fact still remains. 

Here's what I've learned.  Environment, community, and courage make all the difference.  I'm not done, the future is bright. 

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Keep it up man! At is very difficult but at the end of the day you will eventually get it. It's just about trying again and again, trying different things until you get it.

What is the smallest change you could make? What is one time waster you think you could try cutting out for a week?
Maybe starting small and building up is the way to go. Perhaps cut out one specific game or something.

You'll get it!

 

[Kraken]

350 days and I just pmo'd to still images.  A few days ago I mo'd to fantasy.  I had gone many months without moing but the past week has been difficult.  Both me and my girlfriend are feeling sick, I've been binging games a lot, and have been feeling pretty overwhelmed with unemployment and stress about turning 26 and losing insurance and general frustration.  A lot going on.

After I mo'd I took a shower and thought about what my habits would normally lead me to.  I would get some unhealthy take out, play more games until late, pmo to more intense material wake up very late pmo around noon and then again 2 more times that night to increasing intense p.

Then I realized that's my plan, that's what I subconsciously chose.  So I made an alternative plan:

Get healthy take out, take a break from gaming this weekend and use the time to get outside.  Join a meditation call I was invited to tonight, and call my gf.  Also I'll post on here.

I'm going with the alternative.  When I turn this slip up into a positive series of choices, it will be a new habit, a good one.

Squid

 

[Kraken]

Took the alternative and feel much better.  And since I decided to not game tonight, I decided to write a few blog posts and it was really fun.

 

[Kraken]

So interesting.  My dinner was great and nutritious, I did the meditation class, I hung out with my roommate, and then instead of playing games I wrote and designed some things for my blog.  I really hit a break through and things actually look pretty awesome on the blog!  I've had a wonderful Friday night.  There was one slip up but everything after was amazing.

That's never happened after pmo after a long streak before.

 

[Kraken]

Still feeling good, had a nice day yesterday and got to play online with some great friends.  Still not feeling 100% but not too bad. Did a lot of work on an art project and have been getting great responses.  Makes me feel good. 

I've been paying attention for a year what people on reboot nation do after a slip up post long streak.  Almost everyone posts some motivation about how they are going to recommit and then they post less and less, then disappear entirely.

I'm not going anywhere.  It's been a very successful year without pmo and I'm going to continue moving forward.

-squid

 

[Sanders]

Hi Squid,

That's really good to see you making all these positive changes in your life! Hope you can keep finding energy from these healthy new parts of your life

 

[Kraken]

Thanks Sanders!  Another good day.  Definitely been a little challenging with the chaser but holding strong.

 

[Kraken]

Things have been going well!

 

[zander13]

Glad to see you turning it around so fast. God speed my friend, you've accomplished a great deal already.

 

[Kraken]

Thanks Zander, I appreciate the replies. 


I just read a quote that I think is important.

"Fear of self-definition is what keeps an amateur an amateur and what keeps and addict and addict."

I think I've cracked the core of the habit cycle.  At the core is a desire to do great magnificent achievements and to help people.  It's a young core though, amateur, and still learning.  After the core is resistance.  Resistance is fear.  Fear of success, of failure, of differentiating from the tribe, of being judged for expressing my true self definition. 

After that is the numbing.  Pmo and video game binging put me to sleep, spin my brain up with so much information, I don't have a chance to reflect on what is actually happening in my life in the present.  After an enormous amount of numbing I get frustrated and remember my original dreams and core.  Then I work on them for a few days like an amateur with little control beyond following the motivation from my frustrations.

When that wears off, I rationalize to play a few games to relax.  That turns into a lot of games and the numbing that is resistance continues again.  This is the cycle.


Learning this has given me two new tools.  Silence and reflection, and self-definition.  If I do these two actions, the whole addictive loop will begin to unravel and be destroyed.

My self-definition: I love the outdoors, I love running, I'm kind, I love to solve interesting problems, I really do want to learn the Korean language.

I am capable, I'm a sailer, I'm an improvisor, I'm an Eagle Scout, I've walked across America literally, I'm not alone.  I'm a member of tribes across the globe that accept me for me, I'm greatly loved. 

I'm in love with the love of my life.  I went a year without pmo.  I've traveled the globe.  I'm happier awake.  I weigh 180 pounds, I have a strong core and glute medius.  I'm quick and light hearted.  I'm quick witted.  I don't play games very much.  I prefer to be in the flow of life.  I'm an impressario.  I weave magic.  Bring people together and organize cool shit. 

I stay on purpose.  I know what I stand for and I stay on my trail. 

I will never cure my restlessness by contributing my disposal income or time to the bottom line of bullshit incorporated, but only by doing my work.