Morning update: Kettlebell workout went very well. I went to sleep an hour late but still got 7.5 hours of sleep. Took me 30 mins of playing on my phone before I got started though. I'm starting to see how attached I am to my phone and need to be careful it doesn't distract me from important things. Mainly I'm distracted by reading articles on google news and watching youtube. I do run into some triggers by doing this, haven't had any problems with them but still need to be careful of course. The more interesting thing is that I mindlessly read and watch these things but I don't care about them. And if they are taking the time the activities I do care about need, then I need to move the time on over.
Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
L
Lero
Guest
squid said:
That's what it becomes. It's like a habit, a routine that you do and you don't even know why. It's dopamine actually, at the end of the day, that's what I believe. Eventually you bump into triggers. A better idea is to only use them when you need them. "Okay, what do I need the computer for? I will do that and then turn it off." The same with phone Internet. The Internet is designed with addiction in mind. They want to hook people. Youtube, news, social media and all those things are stimulation that leads to addiction. The "Click addiction" or "novelty".
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Lero said:
I feel this one. I'm definitely becoming more aware of the time I let drain away to reading news and watching YouTube. Lately, YouTube has been recommending really stupid stuff that I'm not interested in, but I just keep scrolling and scrolling (I probably waste more time looking for something to watch than actually watching, which is a problem). Lero's novelty insight is killer. I think that has to be at least part of what is behind it for me. That's given me something to think about.
Here's to finding more freedom from our screens and more meaningful lives!
Day 25 - 7/31/19: 8:30pm
Thanks for the support everyone! Day 25 already, it's crazy, time goes by so fast. I haven't done any edging or fantasy or pmo or mo or o. But my urges haven't been as insane as past reboots, I feel like my body is keeping my sex drive low to give itself an opportunity to heal without risk of more pain. Also the positive habits have helped a ton and so has journaling here
Not to sell myself short or anything, it's been very challenging, don't get me wrong. But I continue, onward and upward!
Kettlebells went very well this morning even though I did waste thirty minutes on my phone before I finally got going. I was productive on the metro and did most of my monthly budget for August, I'll have it done tomorrow. Work actually went really well, I got to show my boss my knowledge of our system on a talk with the vendor and I think I did a good job. Also, I finally had the courage to remind my boss that she said I could work from home after 90 days which was months ago and she went to her boss and October first I can work one day a week from home. That's going to be super awesome.
I did my thirty minute walk at work today and got a coworker to go with me so that was fun. I got home from work and had a nice dinner and did some marketing consulting on the phone which was neat. After that I was on my phone watching YouTube and reading articles and a little online dating. I feel like my profile sucks, I'm not getting any matches I'm interested in :/. Then I went and did my run.
It went well and my time was fast but I've developed shin splints and they hurt. I'm only doing a two mile run but I need to add more biking to mix things up and make sure I rest the shins enough.
I didn't study much Korean today, just some on the metro. I really want to dive into it and really immerse myself but it's been very challenging. Every time I line up to study my brain freaks out and since there is no pmo or video game option, it runs to my phone for articles, youtube, social media, online dating, or messaging instead. It's the same loop as pmo kind of but just less aggressive and I've been able to be very consistent with my exercises which I could never do on pmo and video games.
All in all a positive trend but I recognize that I am still hiding from the two most important to me activities: 1. Learning this language 2. Sharing the journey
Although it should be said I am sharing the journey on this journal so the one thing os actually sitting down and trying to learn. I know I can do it and I know it will be awesome. To have a whole other world to access of entertainment, dating, travel, history, people from way different ways of living to talk to, options for business, studying, and to reformat my thinking in another language. That would be so cool. And now's the perfect time. I know this, the time is now.
Tomorrow's plan
Morning kettlebells
budget on metro
30 min walk during lunch
print out lessons at work and make a binder to stay organized with my studies
walk to library after dinner and sit down and study for 1 hour without distraction, if I do that it's a huge won even if I forget it all. Sitting down to work that's what I need to get down. Once I'm there I do great, just need to get there consistently.
Write a short blog post about how that felt and put it on website with a picture
Thanks for the support everyone! Day 25 already, it's crazy, time goes by so fast. I haven't done any edging or fantasy or pmo or mo or o. But my urges haven't been as insane as past reboots, I feel like my body is keeping my sex drive low to give itself an opportunity to heal without risk of more pain. Also the positive habits have helped a ton and so has journaling here
Not to sell myself short or anything, it's been very challenging, don't get me wrong. But I continue, onward and upward!Kettlebells went very well this morning even though I did waste thirty minutes on my phone before I finally got going. I was productive on the metro and did most of my monthly budget for August, I'll have it done tomorrow. Work actually went really well, I got to show my boss my knowledge of our system on a talk with the vendor and I think I did a good job. Also, I finally had the courage to remind my boss that she said I could work from home after 90 days which was months ago and she went to her boss and October first I can work one day a week from home. That's going to be super awesome.
I did my thirty minute walk at work today and got a coworker to go with me so that was fun. I got home from work and had a nice dinner and did some marketing consulting on the phone which was neat. After that I was on my phone watching YouTube and reading articles and a little online dating. I feel like my profile sucks, I'm not getting any matches I'm interested in :/. Then I went and did my run.
It went well and my time was fast but I've developed shin splints and they hurt. I'm only doing a two mile run but I need to add more biking to mix things up and make sure I rest the shins enough.
I didn't study much Korean today, just some on the metro. I really want to dive into it and really immerse myself but it's been very challenging. Every time I line up to study my brain freaks out and since there is no pmo or video game option, it runs to my phone for articles, youtube, social media, online dating, or messaging instead. It's the same loop as pmo kind of but just less aggressive and I've been able to be very consistent with my exercises which I could never do on pmo and video games.
All in all a positive trend but I recognize that I am still hiding from the two most important to me activities: 1. Learning this language 2. Sharing the journey
Although it should be said I am sharing the journey on this journal so the one thing os actually sitting down and trying to learn. I know I can do it and I know it will be awesome. To have a whole other world to access of entertainment, dating, travel, history, people from way different ways of living to talk to, options for business, studying, and to reformat my thinking in another language. That would be so cool. And now's the perfect time. I know this, the time is now.
Tomorrow's plan
Morning kettlebells
budget on metro
30 min walk during lunch
print out lessons at work and make a binder to stay organized with my studies
walk to library after dinner and sit down and study for 1 hour without distraction, if I do that it's a huge won even if I forget it all. Sitting down to work that's what I need to get down. Once I'm there I do great, just need to get there consistently.
Write a short blog post about how that felt and put it on website with a picture
L
Lero
Guest
Writting the plan ahead definitely helps.
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
It's because of the novelty that has that effect in our brain. Scrolling through stuff, clicking non-stop, this is how it works. You don't even enjoy those videos, you enjoy the clicking and scrolling. That's why the best thing to do is only use Internet when needed, preferably planning ahead what you will use it for and then turning off the device.
I did that this morning Lero, I woke up on time and didn't turn on my phone until after my workout. It made huge difference, I was way more focused and had a great workout.
In other news, last night I had an idea. I remembered the one time I had sex it was stressful because it took some time to get the condom on and to get an erection. So I went to the store and got some condoms and focusing on sensation without fantasy or p was able to get hard and put it on without much trouble. Turns out the first time I tried to put it on backwards haha.
It sounds silly but it was a big step for me, getting more comfortable with the tools of safe sex so that I can express my sexual energy to a partner in the future without that worry and stress in the back of my mind. It took about 10-15 minutes to get the erection and I had brief memories of time with my ex that got me excited but I put those thoughts out of my mind and just focused on feeling. It was very encouraging and there's no way I could have gotten hard to just feeling and a few seconds of a real memory before rebooting. Not something I'll do regularly but I heard from Gave Deems video that getting hard without fantasy or p is a good sign so I wanted to see if O could and it was encouraging. Not perfect but in the right direction. Also I had morning wood today for the first time in a long time. Yay
In other news, last night I had an idea. I remembered the one time I had sex it was stressful because it took some time to get the condom on and to get an erection. So I went to the store and got some condoms and focusing on sensation without fantasy or p was able to get hard and put it on without much trouble. Turns out the first time I tried to put it on backwards haha.
It sounds silly but it was a big step for me, getting more comfortable with the tools of safe sex so that I can express my sexual energy to a partner in the future without that worry and stress in the back of my mind. It took about 10-15 minutes to get the erection and I had brief memories of time with my ex that got me excited but I put those thoughts out of my mind and just focused on feeling. It was very encouraging and there's no way I could have gotten hard to just feeling and a few seconds of a real memory before rebooting. Not something I'll do regularly but I heard from Gave Deems video that getting hard without fantasy or p is a good sign so I wanted to see if O could and it was encouraging. Not perfect but in the right direction. Also I had morning wood today for the first time in a long time. Yay
No regrets
Member
Celebrate the small victories I am so proud of you *gives a gentle pat on the back*
I am so proud of you *gives a gentle pat on the back*pichaelthompson
Active Member
Congrats man! Sometimes all you need is a small sign of improvement to help you keep going in the right direction...keep up the good work!
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
squid said:
I wasn't quite so disciplined, but I did manage to get up and out of bed without sinking a huge amount of time into my phone this morning. I'm hoping to do even better tomorrow.
Keep it going, squid! It sounds like you're doing great and feeling great, and that's such an awesome thing. Keep on keeping on!
Day 26 - 8/1/19: 10:30pm
It's later so I don't have the tome to write a long post but it was a pretty good day. I did all my goals except study korean. After work I had to go to the store and by some equipment for my camping trip this weekend and then I enjoyed some tv and texting with the woman who wants to hook up with me. I've known her a long time and told her I didn't have as much experience as other but she didn't care. She just wants to have fun.
Goals for tomorrow:
Morning kettlebells
Walk at lunch
pack for camping
stay free my friends,
-squid
It's later so I don't have the tome to write a long post but it was a pretty good day. I did all my goals except study korean. After work I had to go to the store and by some equipment for my camping trip this weekend and then I enjoyed some tv and texting with the woman who wants to hook up with me. I've known her a long time and told her I didn't have as much experience as other but she didn't care. She just wants to have fun.
Goals for tomorrow:
Morning kettlebells
Walk at lunch
pack for camping
stay free my friends,
-squid
squid said:
Don't get too caught up on experience and being good enough and all that. Those fears of inadequacy come from porn and the false lessons it teaches. Porn teaches us that things like size and aggression are what matter most. But in reality, its qualities like intimacy and being present with your partner (two things that are impossible for porn) that matter most. Focus solely on you, your sensations, and connecting with her. Trust me, that is all you need. And kudos to you for working on the safe sex equipment. Not nearly enough people choose safe sex options these days. I never did and I am so damn lucky to have escaped unscathed, but I know people who weren't so lucky and now have to pay for it the rest of their lives.
Day 27 - 8/2/19: 5pm
Today went well enough but I've felt off today. Woke up and did part of my warm up but just didn't feel the energy to work out. I got 8 hours of sleep and woke up on time but felt odd. Work went okay, I didn't do the walk and didn't eat very healthy. Also I was watching a show after work and it suddenly showed a partial nude scene. Very triggering but it passed quickly and I didn't take the bait. I'm feeling much more emotion now so triggers are more triggering. Today wasn't a record breaking day but all on all pretty good. Now I'm going camping for the weekend with some friends to recharge!
stay free my friends,
-squid
Today went well enough but I've felt off today. Woke up and did part of my warm up but just didn't feel the energy to work out. I got 8 hours of sleep and woke up on time but felt odd. Work went okay, I didn't do the walk and didn't eat very healthy. Also I was watching a show after work and it suddenly showed a partial nude scene. Very triggering but it passed quickly and I didn't take the bait. I'm feeling much more emotion now so triggers are more triggering. Today wasn't a record breaking day but all on all pretty good. Now I'm going camping for the weekend with some friends to recharge!
stay free my friends,
-squid
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
squid said:
Way to be! These unexpected triggers can really mess with your head if you aren't careful. I think it's a really good sign that you could recognize it as a trigger and just let it go. No need to be carried away by it.
Have a great weekend!
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
That's right, man. Never feed the brain. Once something starts feeding it (flashbacks or seeing something by mistake - Because looking deliberetely at triggers goes without saying that you must avoid), you don't just keep drowning yourself in that, you look away right away, eventually you could go to the kitchen, drink some water, stare out the window, do some push-ups or something. Maybe even take a cold shower if it's intense.
squid said:
Nice job squid! Glad to hear you're having so many genuine real life experiences and planning travel, getting outside, exercising, and seeing other people! I just booked some tickets to see some old friends in Boston after my work contract ends in a couple weeks. Thanks for helping me take the plunge!
Day 28 - 8/3/19: 9:30pm
Greetings from the forest. Thanks for your posts everyone, I like how we encourage each other! Today was great, wonderful weather, good friends and got to see the Appalachian Trail for the first time since I finished last year hiking it all. Swam in a waterfall, learned about starts, played frisbee and cards and it's been good. There was one conversation we all had about our sex lives and I felt a little wierd about not being with someone right now or much in the past but I am putting those thoughts out of my head. Like ender said, comparing my experience in sex with others comes from P. Being intimate is about experiences between two people and I've had that experience and changed my lifestyle because of a life altering long trip and need to find someone who fits with the me now. And that's okay. I'm actually in a good place, I tend to get to focused on the past or the future but life is good. I definitely feel much much strong attraction to women now, my brain is changing guys, it feels different.
Much love,
-squid
Greetings from the forest. Thanks for your posts everyone, I like how we encourage each other! Today was great, wonderful weather, good friends and got to see the Appalachian Trail for the first time since I finished last year hiking it all. Swam in a waterfall, learned about starts, played frisbee and cards and it's been good. There was one conversation we all had about our sex lives and I felt a little wierd about not being with someone right now or much in the past but I am putting those thoughts out of my head. Like ender said, comparing my experience in sex with others comes from P. Being intimate is about experiences between two people and I've had that experience and changed my lifestyle because of a life altering long trip and need to find someone who fits with the me now. And that's okay. I'm actually in a good place, I tend to get to focused on the past or the future but life is good. I definitely feel much much strong attraction to women now, my brain is changing guys, it feels different.
Much love,
-squid
L
Lero
Guest
Outstanding, Squid! Almost a month!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Congratulations on 4 weeks and keep enjoying nature! I really like to see the positive changes you mention, keep going!