Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
Day 18 - 7/24/19: 5pm
Got all ready for bed at 10:30 then decided to play overwatch and play on my phone until 1am. I wasn't super sleepy but I didn't really try to go to sleep so that's not fair to say. So this morning I was already at a disadvantage and I slept through my alarm and got out of bed about to shower. And then I started thinking. If my morning workout is really important to me, I could make it work. Maybe get to work a little later but I had to stay late today for a delivery anyway. So I didn't hop in the shower, instead I grab my kettlebells, we outside and walked to the park that is my gym. I did the whole workout in 16 minutes. 16 minutes is all it takes to complete an activity that makes me feel good all day long.
On my commute in I read my workout book to get a better idea if I was doing the program correctly. Brushed up on my form. I'm starting to increase my reps and within 3 weeks will probably up my weight to bigger bells and I want to make sure my form is solid before doing that.
I didn't play on my phone at work at all in the morning until after lunch. I just get so bored and zoned out I spent an embarrassing amount of time on my phone when I was supposed to be working, that doesn't sit right with me. Even though I don't like my job, I want to like how I do my job. What do you guys do to have a strong afternoon at work? I get bored and it's super hard to focus.
Went on a thirty minute walk with a co worker which was awesome and a great way to break up the day.
On my way home now. Instead of studying, I want to do a quick after work run or bike, then dinner then study. I think that order will be better.
Maybe I'll bike to the library, need to return my book. Oh I could study there. Now I think I'll eat with my friend then bike to library and study. It will be nice to give my shins a rest from running.
Fitness goal: 165lbs by January.
Today's weight in: 193.6
Korean goal: Add my lesson note vocab to flash cards and organize my grammar points and begin writing scripts of things I want to sau to my teacher. Time to be more proactive.
Blog goal: Record my kettlebell working both for the blog and to check my form. I logged into the website last night and am getting more excited.
Stay free,
-squid
Got all ready for bed at 10:30 then decided to play overwatch and play on my phone until 1am. I wasn't super sleepy but I didn't really try to go to sleep so that's not fair to say. So this morning I was already at a disadvantage and I slept through my alarm and got out of bed about to shower. And then I started thinking. If my morning workout is really important to me, I could make it work. Maybe get to work a little later but I had to stay late today for a delivery anyway. So I didn't hop in the shower, instead I grab my kettlebells, we outside and walked to the park that is my gym. I did the whole workout in 16 minutes. 16 minutes is all it takes to complete an activity that makes me feel good all day long.
On my commute in I read my workout book to get a better idea if I was doing the program correctly. Brushed up on my form. I'm starting to increase my reps and within 3 weeks will probably up my weight to bigger bells and I want to make sure my form is solid before doing that.
I didn't play on my phone at work at all in the morning until after lunch. I just get so bored and zoned out I spent an embarrassing amount of time on my phone when I was supposed to be working, that doesn't sit right with me. Even though I don't like my job, I want to like how I do my job. What do you guys do to have a strong afternoon at work? I get bored and it's super hard to focus.
Went on a thirty minute walk with a co worker which was awesome and a great way to break up the day.
On my way home now. Instead of studying, I want to do a quick after work run or bike, then dinner then study. I think that order will be better.
Maybe I'll bike to the library, need to return my book. Oh I could study there. Now I think I'll eat with my friend then bike to library and study. It will be nice to give my shins a rest from running.
Fitness goal: 165lbs by January.
Today's weight in: 193.6
Korean goal: Add my lesson note vocab to flash cards and organize my grammar points and begin writing scripts of things I want to sau to my teacher. Time to be more proactive.
Blog goal: Record my kettlebell working both for the blog and to check my form. I logged into the website last night and am getting more excited.
Stay free,
-squid
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Good stuff! Consistency is huge. I used to just go to bed as soon as I got tired (or bored), but I recently started setting a regular bedtime for myself and it has actually helped me to get better sleep through the night. I know for me, a good night's slip is a big deal. If I even miss an hour, I'm messed up the next day. That might not be true for everyone, but it is something I know goes into taking care of myself.
Really great that you squeezed in a 16 minute workout. And it honestly sounds like a pretty good day from there. I've definitely been spending more time thinking about how I start my day. I have discovered that I do better when I start well. If I don't get a good start, it's hard for me to catch up. It sounds like you're getting right on track and moving forward in a great way. Keep it up!
Really great that you squeezed in a 16 minute workout. And it honestly sounds like a pretty good day from there. I've definitely been spending more time thinking about how I start my day. I have discovered that I do better when I start well. If I don't get a good start, it's hard for me to catch up. It sounds like you're getting right on track and moving forward in a great way. Keep it up!
L
Lero
Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
In general I'm the type of guy who does "unpleasant" things only if they become routine. Like going to sleep, for example. Let's say I am used to going to sleep late. Going to sleep earlier would not be something I would like to move to. That's why I have to push through it until it becomes routine and then it happens without me thinking about it. I guess it works for everything else in my life, that's why for a while I fuck things up. Same with edging, for example. Staying away from this stupid thing has to become routine. In the beginning it will feel like a chore.
Day 19 - 7/25/19: 7pm
Thanks for the replies everyone! I think you are absolutely right about consistency and routine. I want to explore that further, in detail with specifics.
But first, got a random semi erection today, that was pretty cool, I hope it's a sign of my flatline ending.
I'm struggling with a few specific things.
1. First, I'm not sleeping enough or that well. Here the pattern. I tell my roommate I'm going to bed early, talk about it almost every night, brush my teeth and put on my night clothes and then.. play on my phone for 45 minutes, read sometimes and more frequently, play overwatch for a few hours.
For example, this morning I had to leave my house at 7:30am for an event at work. I knew this and in some weird way enjoyed sabotaging it by playing overwatch for many hours until 1:30am. As a direct result, I had nightmares about missing my alarm, my team at work was counting on me being there on time. I set three alarms and woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave etc etc. I made it on time but that choice made my whole day much more stressful and difficult and now I'm really tired. So sleeping is the first challenge.
2. This ties into number 1, playing overwatch. You guys will empathize I think.
A.I sit down to play whenever life's rough or I feel a little down or something didn't work out or I'm not happy with something in my life.
B. When I play I reach a flow state very quickly. I feel competent and in control, I feel powerful. I play main tanks in overwatch. So in the game I am the one in the front line initiating. In my real life I'm terrified of initiating but in fiction I'm the first one through the door. I don't really play for novelty like I used to pmo. Instead I play the same heroes consistently and perform consistently. I think my pmo was driven by my drive for connection or curiousity or wanting to try new things.
But, playing overwatch is more about feeling on the zone, feeling comfortable but also feeling impactful. Still novelty involved as each game is different but other factors are more at the forefront. I think my drive to show up, to make art, to become fit, to be noticed, my drive to lead. All these things plus my fear equal overwatch for me. It's fun too but not so much lately.
3. I'm on my phone all the time, like all the time. Even in the bathroom which is absolutely the dumbest idea in the world. On my phone I mainly click through articles and links. Click click click. It makes my eyes hurt staring at the small screen all the time and I just feel like blug afterwards. And I'm not really interested in the content.
4. The main one. All of these bullshit activities take up any time that I could spend on my art. I have so many dreams and goals but as soon I get time to work on them my brain freaks out and I get super uncomfortable. Then I go play overwatch and feel numbed out and mellow again. I just want to stop self sabotaging and start putting my work out there.
Any thoughts?
-squid
Thanks for the replies everyone! I think you are absolutely right about consistency and routine. I want to explore that further, in detail with specifics.
But first, got a random semi erection today, that was pretty cool, I hope it's a sign of my flatline ending.
I'm struggling with a few specific things.
1. First, I'm not sleeping enough or that well. Here the pattern. I tell my roommate I'm going to bed early, talk about it almost every night, brush my teeth and put on my night clothes and then.. play on my phone for 45 minutes, read sometimes and more frequently, play overwatch for a few hours.
For example, this morning I had to leave my house at 7:30am for an event at work. I knew this and in some weird way enjoyed sabotaging it by playing overwatch for many hours until 1:30am. As a direct result, I had nightmares about missing my alarm, my team at work was counting on me being there on time. I set three alarms and woke up 20 minutes before I had to leave etc etc. I made it on time but that choice made my whole day much more stressful and difficult and now I'm really tired. So sleeping is the first challenge.
2. This ties into number 1, playing overwatch. You guys will empathize I think.
A.I sit down to play whenever life's rough or I feel a little down or something didn't work out or I'm not happy with something in my life.
B. When I play I reach a flow state very quickly. I feel competent and in control, I feel powerful. I play main tanks in overwatch. So in the game I am the one in the front line initiating. In my real life I'm terrified of initiating but in fiction I'm the first one through the door. I don't really play for novelty like I used to pmo. Instead I play the same heroes consistently and perform consistently. I think my pmo was driven by my drive for connection or curiousity or wanting to try new things.
But, playing overwatch is more about feeling on the zone, feeling comfortable but also feeling impactful. Still novelty involved as each game is different but other factors are more at the forefront. I think my drive to show up, to make art, to become fit, to be noticed, my drive to lead. All these things plus my fear equal overwatch for me. It's fun too but not so much lately.
3. I'm on my phone all the time, like all the time. Even in the bathroom which is absolutely the dumbest idea in the world. On my phone I mainly click through articles and links. Click click click. It makes my eyes hurt staring at the small screen all the time and I just feel like blug afterwards. And I'm not really interested in the content.
4. The main one. All of these bullshit activities take up any time that I could spend on my art. I have so many dreams and goals but as soon I get time to work on them my brain freaks out and I get super uncomfortable. Then I go play overwatch and feel numbed out and mellow again. I just want to stop self sabotaging and start putting my work out there.
Any thoughts?
-squid
squid said:
Squid, I'd recommend finding parts of your life you can "game"-ify. I used to be addicted to video games, but over the last two weeks I've lost all desire to play them since my YouTube channel required me to play games for hours on end to produce content and I feel almost nauseous at the idea of playing a game again, or even interacting with the gaming community, since so much of it to me represents meaningless hedonism (haha, well, at least that's the bad part of it). Before two weeks ago, I played games on and on and felt absolutely bored by them. I made videos commentating on my every move in games, trying to make them seem entertaining and exciting with let's play videos I filmed, but I felt like a hack, since I stopped believing that gmaign was doing much for building me up as a person. With one major exception - games' ability to direct you automatically to goal-oriented behavior. I thoroughly enjoyed the competition as you seem to relate to with Overwatch. I struggled with RTS games like Company of Heroes and as a kid with MMOs like Runescape. A couple ways I got myself off of gaming were by strictly practicing the guitar in "workout" sessions a la the Steve Vai Guitar Workout and tracking fitness data through spreadsheets, apps like strava which track running pace, etc. What kind of art do you create? There are many social media platforms to help you get a sense of motivation by doing things like counting likes, followers, etc. I became a massive data nerd when I started YouTubing, but it ultimately helped me transition away from gaming and see it as something pretty inconsequential to my larger goals, which is what it sounds like you're trying to fit your behavior to. Forgive me if I'm reading my own feelings onto your post. Does that help?
As for the click addiction sort of thing, I too am struggling with it, as I've still spent a lot of time on the computer over the last couple days, though I'm working on it by eliminating smaller behaviors at a time. I've made it about 3-4 days already without using any music playlists or listening to music at all, which has improved my attention span a bit, and now I'm thinking of what behavior to target next. I deleted certain apps like Facebook from my phone so I don't check constantly, and I check them only during a designated time each day for new notifications. Perhaps this might help with your phone dilemma? Or maybe you could put your phone in a room in your house, and give yourself a rule like "I will only use my phone when I'm standing up in the kitchen" This way, perhaps you will condition yourself in a sort of Pavlovian sense, but you will control the desired behavior as you see fit. Thoughts?
Goo to hear it squid! I'm currently liquidating a lot of my expensive electronics on eBay and Amazon to put them into a savings account. You push me to keep at this! Uninstalling should help too! I'd even recommend uninstalling the client or moving your gaming system/computer to make sure that you have a moment to think before you get started again. Strava is also an excellent way to go!
Do or die said:
Take a deep breath and a long walk. Think about how far you've come in your 21 day reboot, and how far you've come in the other reboots. Celebrate your effort and thank yourself for noticing the relapse. Then solidify your resolve. Decide what you want and what you don't want in your life. Every day you get older my friend, we all do. You are in a position with the knowledge and time to make an incredible impact in your life and in everyone you interact with.
Leaving pmo is hard, you are deciding to stop running from your fear. Now decide what you are running towards and refused to be stopped. You are a brave man, you are trying, you are smart and intelligent and you can make a plan. Step by step by step. I walked across 14 states consecutively and I did it one restaurant at a time. Pick a three day goal and hit it, and on and on. Go out and wreck some shit, you got this!
Sending you good vibes and the best of thoughts!
Day 20 - 7/26/19: 8pm
Twenty days babyyyyy! Thank you to everyone for the support. Compared to 20 days ago things have improved a lot.
1. More energy, motivation and focus
2. Notice things and habits more and make positive steps
3. Found three awesome organizations I'm volunteering for
4. More social easier to talk to people
5. Better sleep
6. Starting to feel again down below
7. Starting to become attracted to real women again
Time for some honest vulnerable talk I'd appreciate your thoughts on. So I'm 25 but have only had sex twice, this was with my last girlfriend while I was hiking across America so I didn't get to see her very often (only one actually, before we ended things because I wasn't coming back to her area any time soon). We lost our virginity to each other but didn't sleep together enough for me to become confident on the bedroom. I'm self conscious about being 25 and not having lots of sexual experience because I feel like the girls my age probably have a lot more. The reason I didn't get started earlier is because I was Christian back when I had a bunch of opportunities in college etc and chose not to. Also the pmo had an effect for sure.
But things are different now and a girl I know from college and recently reconnected with just said she wanted to sleep with me in a more casual way without being in a relationship. The thought of it makes me really excited and it's the direction I want to go. Real women not screens haha. But I also don't want to get a sexual disease or anything. Maybe I should read up on those. Also I might practice putting the condom on because the only other time it was more challenging than I thought it would be lol.
Today was really good, didn't play any games, volunteered with my company at a school today and it was really fun. When my friend texted me that she was interested in sex I got a full body reaction of pleasure, that was pretty cool.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
Twenty days babyyyyy! Thank you to everyone for the support. Compared to 20 days ago things have improved a lot.
1. More energy, motivation and focus
2. Notice things and habits more and make positive steps
3. Found three awesome organizations I'm volunteering for
4. More social easier to talk to people
5. Better sleep
6. Starting to feel again down below
7. Starting to become attracted to real women again
Time for some honest vulnerable talk I'd appreciate your thoughts on. So I'm 25 but have only had sex twice, this was with my last girlfriend while I was hiking across America so I didn't get to see her very often (only one actually, before we ended things because I wasn't coming back to her area any time soon). We lost our virginity to each other but didn't sleep together enough for me to become confident on the bedroom. I'm self conscious about being 25 and not having lots of sexual experience because I feel like the girls my age probably have a lot more. The reason I didn't get started earlier is because I was Christian back when I had a bunch of opportunities in college etc and chose not to. Also the pmo had an effect for sure.
But things are different now and a girl I know from college and recently reconnected with just said she wanted to sleep with me in a more casual way without being in a relationship. The thought of it makes me really excited and it's the direction I want to go. Real women not screens haha. But I also don't want to get a sexual disease or anything. Maybe I should read up on those. Also I might practice putting the condom on because the only other time it was more challenging than I thought it would be lol.
Today was really good, didn't play any games, volunteered with my company at a school today and it was really fun. When my friend texted me that she was interested in sex I got a full body reaction of pleasure, that was pretty cool.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
L
Lero
Guest
Sounds good, man. It should cover you for today.
L
Lero
Guest
squid said:
It started with Pete McVries inspiring me to do the same.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Way to go on 20 days, man! That's awesome!
I think plans and schedules are really helpful. I know when I actually sit down and write out what I want to do and when I'm going to do it, I have way more productive days and I don't end up wasting as much time. On the days when I don't have a plan, I end up spending way more time endlessly scrolling YouTube looking for something to watch. When I have a plan and a list of tasks, then there might still be time for games or tv, but only after I get the important stuff done.
Keep going!
I think plans and schedules are really helpful. I know when I actually sit down and write out what I want to do and when I'm going to do it, I have way more productive days and I don't end up wasting as much time. On the days when I don't have a plan, I end up spending way more time endlessly scrolling YouTube looking for something to watch. When I have a plan and a list of tasks, then there might still be time for games or tv, but only after I get the important stuff done.
Keep going!
Day 21 - 07/27/19: 11:30pm
Today I followed the plan for the most part. I went to brunch with my friend and helped him get ready for his long motorcycle ride by working on the bike. Took a while but got him going. After that O cleaned up a bit and then went for a run, after that I went to a museum and met some friends in the area. After that we went to a bar crawl and it was super fun. I did a lot of dancing. There was one point where there was me and two girls grinding behind me and one in front. It didn't last too long but it was super cool.
I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today
.
Tomorrow I plan on volunteering and then visiting my uncle and working on cars.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
Today I followed the plan for the most part. I went to brunch with my friend and helped him get ready for his long motorcycle ride by working on the bike. Took a while but got him going. After that O cleaned up a bit and then went for a run, after that I went to a museum and met some friends in the area. After that we went to a bar crawl and it was super fun. I did a lot of dancing. There was one point where there was me and two girls grinding behind me and one in front. It didn't last too long but it was super cool.
I didn't do Korean, job stuff or blog besides this blog but I'm very happy and satisfied with today
.Tomorrow I plan on volunteering and then visiting my uncle and working on cars.
Stay free my friends,
-squid