Kraken's journal

[Kraken]

Day 14 - 7/20/19: 9pm

Woke up really late from the partying late night and felt really weird probably because I had my first edible late in the night.  My friend last minute suggested we go to see the moon landing movie and I'm glad I did, it was awesome.  Spent the afternoon and evening in the city and then had dinner with my friend.  Came back and played three hours of overwatch.  I've played twice this week.  It's a big improvement and I'm continuing to play less and less and put that time elsewhere.

Haven't had many urges, the flatline continues.

Stay free,

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I feel that too man.  The thing is though, women can be very understanding and supportive.  I might even say a man who has overcome adversity and purposefully made a life he enjoys is way more attractive than a man who hasn't had as much struggle.  The addict is interesting and attractive because we are called to something.  On the other hand, the addict is mind numbingly boring and frustrating because we never live out that calling and just run to the addiction. If you are living out your calling instead of running to the addiction, you will be more artist than addict. 

I really like this thought, especially the artist vs addict thing. I definitely want to head in the artist direction and run toward my calling and not away from it.

But it sounds like you're making some good progress these last couple days! That's exciting stuff! Keep doing what you're doing and sticking with your goals. It's like the say, 95% of it (or some big percentage) is just showing up. That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!

 

[Lero]

That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!

One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.

 

[Kraken]

That's one thing I've learned from meditation. I don't have to have a great meditation every time I do it, but I do have to do it every day. The habit counts a lot more than doing it like a superstar every time I do it.

Keep it up!

One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.

I think you guys are on to something there.  The cycle seems to be: I have goals I want to reach, I'm scared of failure and success, so I take that energy and put it into video games and pmo, then my brain feels like I have a fantastic sex life and am very active, and then my body feels disconnected.  Emotions come from the body so those fade too and then my brain is confused that things aren't going fantastic. 

Now that I'm two weeks pmo free with a lot less gaming, I'm starting to see that my life isn't how I felt it was in my head in a pmo daze.  I have ambition and it's terrifying that the pmo and gaming take me out of the game for months at a time.  Youth is fleeting, I'm only 25 once and I feel that there is a lot of progress I want to dive into.  But I don't want to burn out.

So yeah if I define my goal, break it down into monthly weekly and daily chunks and use routine to reserve the time and work little by little, I think I can do it.

I've been feeling very weird the past few days.  Almost like I'm waking up but am still partially asleep. I have moments of clarity and moments of confusion.

 

[Kraken]

Day 15 - 7/21/19: 7:30pm

Had a fantastic weekend, been making better fitness choices and my energy level feels really great. Also motivation is starting to come back.  People have been telling me I look happy. 

Okay let's go more goal specific: I want to learn the korean language.  That's the big one.  The monster whale.  The main man.  I've been taking lessons for two years on and off and feel like I have little to show for it.

The first step is to review my flashcards and my lesson notes from last Thursday.  I will do this tomorrow.

Stay free,

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

One thing that could save you is "routine". Routine is the one that makes you do things when you don't want to do them. I had to introduce some things in my life and they felt like a big hustle to do but I pushed through them until the became routine. When they became routine, they didn't feel like that anymore.

I think routine is exactly the word I was looking for! Yeah, I think there is a lot of value in routine. For example, instead of having a goal to learn Korean, maybe make a goal to study Korean every day no matter what. Maybe some days that will be like a whole hour, but it's okay if it's only 5 minutes. As long as it's something. For me, at least, setting goals around routines or habits has been way more helpful than setting goals around achievements. If I think of it as an achievement, I usually end up putting off and waiting until I'll have "enough time" to do it. But if I think about my goal as a habit, then I just do a little bit every day and I make constant progress towards my actual goal.

Glad you had a great weekend! Go get 'em this week!

 

[Kraken]

In the belly of the whale:

Things looked to be pretty straight forward tonight.  I had a wonderful weekend, a great day, and I was getting ready for bed at 10pm.  And I decided that I would play some overwatch.  I said I would add it to the reboot.  But I've still been playing.  A lot less though.  So I played for an hour and a half and then got that restless feeling that used to start when I was playing and would always lead to pmo. 

It's like a novelty urge I think.  I'm playing and I'm like, one more, one more.  And every game is different, different heroes, different maps and different opponents.  The first few games are really fun then I gets in the novelty craving mood.  But I recognized this was happening and turned the game off at 11:30. 

I then went on my phone.  I'm on my phone a lot, probably not the best idea.  I was looking through my Facebook stories and game across one of my old college friends with very little on. That was a strong trigger.  I immediately turned my phone off. Then I said, I'll read a book.  So I got a book off the shelf about a guy meeting a film crew who wants to shoot footage for a film version of his memoir.  He talks a lot about not remembering many memories and a few other things that were triggering me because they reminded me of past actions I regret. 

Then I turned to phone back on to post on here.  The restlessness feeling is here, the physical feeling down below is here, and my heart is beating a little faster in anticipation of pmo.  Can't blame the heart really, that was the pattern for a long time.  I'm 15 days in and I'm so happy.  It's my longest streak in months. 

It seems to me that pmo urges and me having trouble falling asleep and video game binges come right after a lot of progress on my dreams and right before the next step.  In many ways it's like hearing the call to over over the trench across no man's land and instead of answering the call, taking my rifle and blowing a hole in my foot.  It's like "oh no, look at me, I'm injured, I'm sick, I had a disease, I'm addicted, I can't possibly go over the trench, I'll stay here in the dark and fantasize and pretend that I have all those things I want."  But it's not real.

Do you know what types of overwatch heroes I play?  Tanks, front line main tanks.  Not afraid to charge in and open up the fight.  I want to do that in real life, not just sitting in front of the laptop. 

I don't even like sitting, I don't really even like video games.  If I had a magic wand, I would learn a craft.  I would learn korean, do tons of backpacking on weekends preparing for the PCT, be social every Friday night and doing lots of meet ups and organizing on the weekdays and preparing for the future.  I'd be 30 pounds lighter, and way more confident.  I'd finally record my travel and vlog style internet show I've been thinking about for years and years, maybe do a podcast too. I want to be with a woman again, it's been a long time. 

But when I get worked up and vow and promise to myself to make it all happen, I get excited for a few days then go back to my old habits.  But I have done incredible things but I in the past come back to my old habits of pmo and video games.

Hmmm, I was going to do this tomorrow in my entry but let's do it now.

1. Korean language:
I don't practice or study, that's why I'm not learning.
New habit:
A. On my train commute each way, study my online flashcards, (total of 40 mins) if I run out add more flash cards from lesson notes or my book.
B. Over diner review my grammar concepts and write out homework exercises
C.  After I finish black sails, which I'm almost done, watch K dramas and shows for entertainment.  Do this instead of overwatch
D.  If I play overwatch, play on the korean servers.

2. Generally Fit:
I eat too much and move very little.  I am an office worker and the sedentary lifestyle has cause me to gain 30 pounds I don't need.  That's a lot it seems to me.  Just 10 months ago I was as fit as a worldclass athlete after hiking 2,200 miles straight. I was able to fit in a my old clothes.  I got depressed after the trail while I had trouble finding a job and gained the weight back then and at the office.
A. Continue to do Pavels simple kettlebell program almost every morning before work.  This has been going well and I like the program.
B. After work cardio, often with my friend.  Running, long walk, biking, paddling, stairs etc.
C. Take a 30 minute lunch break and walk.  Every day if possible.
D. Use stand up desk at work 25% of the time and work my way up.
E. Eat more vegetables.
F. Sleep 9 hours a day. - this is tough but the benefits are astronomical.

3. The vlog, blog, show thing.
A. Spend a few minutes before bed dreaming about and planing what it will look like.
B. Continue to blog on reboot nation, it's good writing practice.

4. Meeting a lady.
A. This will come as I gain momentum but I will be proactive on the dating apps.

Now I need to decide if I should workout tomorrow morning on 6.5 hours of sleep or sleep in and get 7.5ish hours and workout the next day.  I think the sleep is more important since I worked out twice today and need to recover.  I'm serious about the 9 hours of sleep, it will be a game changer. 10-7.

Thanks for reading, anyone who made it to the end of this post.  I stayed the course and now the urge has passed and I'm sleepy again. 
 

 

[rob24]

Nice job squid. We've got a lot of similarities here I see, and I love how you kept to your if...then rule to post when you started to feel urges. I'm in the same boat here. I told myself that the most important thing I do over the next few months - more important than finding a job, getting fit, or anything else (not that those aren't important) is that I quit this habit. How can I go on living normally and be the person I purport to be if I cannot even follow a simple rule for myself. Stay on with your commitment and the rest will come on gradually like a tidal wave!

 

[Kraken]

Nice job squid. We've got a lot of similarities here I see, and I love how you kept to your if...then rule to post when you started to feel urges. I'm in the same boat here. I told myself that the most important thing I do over the next few months - more important than finding a job, getting fit, or anything else (not that those aren't important) is that I quit this habit. How can I go on living normally and be the person I purport to be if I cannot even follow a simple rule for myself. Stay on with your commitment and the rest will come on gradually like a tidal wave!

We do have a lot of similarities rob!  Last night was sudden and challenging but I got through it and had a great day today.  I hear what you are saying about making quiting pmo a top priority but in my experience that hasn't been effective.  For me, even thinking about quitting or thinking about how I hate it or thinking of it at all is still thinking about it.  And that attention gives it power. 

Instead I focus on the dream that spawned the resistance.  By moving closer to the goal and things that make me really happy and satisfied, I move away from pmo.  Because pmo is the shadow of my dream,.  It's fear designed by my mind to get me stuck so that I don't move forward with my art and my passion. 

So in essence, yes quitting pmo is a top priority, sure, but the way I'm doing it is by focusing on and building habits around activities my heart longs for.  The pmo doesn't matter, it's a distraction that wasted a lot of time and caused great pain.  So my advice is to make your goal something that takes you away from pmo but has more of a direction than just stopping pmo.

 

[Kraken]

Day 16 - 7/22/19: 9:30pm

Today I slept instead of doing the morning workout, got to work a few minutes after but it's okay.  Studied my flashcards on the way in but not on the commute out, I was just really tired and it was hard to focus.  I took a 30 minute walk with a coworker today which was really awesome and got a lot done at work.  I am becoming more confident.  I still don't like our management but staying the course for now, am starting to update resume and linked in though.  After work made a nice dinner, and then..

I ran into an old habit, I eat dinner and watch some videos, which I did instead of reviewing lesson notes.  I don't think dinner is a good time to review afterall.  And then I brought my phone to the danger zone and then.. 

I realized it.  I immediately turned it off and reached into the drawer and pulled out the bathbomb box with my emergency kit inside.  The smell of lavender is permanently soaked into the box and smells nice and relaxing.  I read my notes to myself and cried, they are very meaningful to me.  I then wrote a quick paragraph about what I was feeling, grabbed a warhead blue raspberry, one of my favorites, and left the room..

Then I put on my favorite workout album and ran two miles and then it started pouring down rain and I was running and smiling and feeling like a badass.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Awesome awesome stuff! I'm super glad that your relapse first-aid kit did the trick!

I also think it's great that you're trying out new things and figuring out what works. I think it's awesome that you did your flashcards on the way to work, and that it's probably okay if you don't do them on the way back. Maybe just reading a book or something would be better for your when you're tired but still be "productive." And I'm with you: I always think I'll be productive at dinner, but it just doesn't work out. At least now, it's also like the only chance I have in a day to watch a show, so I let myself do it then. It's not a failure if you end up doing things differently than you originally planned. It's all just part of the learning experience of trying out new things and building a new pattern of living. Keep experimenting and adjusting, and you'll find something that works sustainably.

I think that novelty urge is something worth paying attention to. I remember reading that one of the things that makes porn addictive is constant novelty. Someone or something new is always just a click away, so it keeps us looking for the next new rush. I definitely find myself stuck in searching for novelty, endlessly scrolling on YouTube or on a news app just to find something "new" even though there are other things I want to be doing. I think it's a great idea to work on that urge for novelty. It is keeping me distracted from important tasks now (and it also doesn't seem like a great foundation for a stable, long-term relationship either).

Just keep working at it, day by day! Build that streak by focusing on what you need to take care of today!

 

[rob24]

Awesome awesome stuff! I'm super glad that your relapse first-aid kit did the trick!

I also think it's great that you're trying out new things and figuring out what works. I think it's awesome that you did your flashcards on the way to work, and that it's probably okay if you don't do them on the way back. Maybe just reading a book or something would be better for your when you're tired but still be "productive." And I'm with you: I always think I'll be productive at dinner, but it just doesn't work out. At least now, it's also like the only chance I have in a day to watch a show, so I let myself do it then. It's not a failure if you end up doing things differently than you originally planned. It's all just part of the learning experience of trying out new things and building a new pattern of living. Keep experimenting and adjusting, and you'll find something that works sustainably.

I think that novelty urge is something worth paying attention to. I remember reading that one of the things that makes porn addictive is constant novelty. Someone or something new is always just a click away, so it keeps us looking for the next new rush. I definitely find myself stuck in searching for novelty, endlessly scrolling on YouTube or on a news app just to find something "new" even though there are other things I want to be doing. I think it's a great idea to work on that urge for novelty. It is keeping me distracted from important tasks now (and it also doesn't seem like a great foundation for a stable, long-term relationship either).

Just keep working at it, day by day! Build that streak by focusing on what you need to take care of today!

Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

 

[Lero]

Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.

 

[Kraken]

Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.

I did this last year when I thru hiked the Appalachian Trail and lived in the woods for six months, it's a powerful experience that I highly recommend.

 

[rob24]

Good calls - I'm also trying to seek out where I'm constantly looking for novelty in my life. Yesterday I started giving up using my YouTube music playlists and other stuff like that. No more constantly switching songs to feel greater inspiration. I think that a lot of internet/digital-related items are like this. Social media included. Come to think of it, I think I'll disable Facebook on my phone. Best to just leave that to checking on computer. Love how you guys push me to keep searching for the root causes of these neural pathway tendencies, and uproot them completely!

Social media/Youtube and all those things are designed with this in mind: Make you addicted. They have people who stress their brains out everyday to make this better. Once I realized this, I was disgusted with it that I couldn't click on them without making me sick. And fuck all the music. This morning I listened to Brahms and it made me feel better than all the modern music could make me feel with all the stimulation/novelty and naked sluts in the videos. Think about this: By nature, we've been created to function on some types of dopamine rewards. Modern society doesn't do this anymore. We don't live in the forest anymore. Therefore P, music, social media, alcohol, drugs, substances, junk food etc. all are "artificial stimulation" not "natural stimulation". People wonder why they suffer from anxiety and depression. Guess what? The best thing that one could do to himself is to cut "all the artificial stimulations" and only enjoy the "natural stimulation" which means: Natural cooked food, sex, playing chess not CS:GO, Listening to classical music not all this shit today, stay away from alcohol, internet, P, screen etc. I guess you got the idea. It's not easy to do but it's a reset for you like no other. Do you want to experience for even 1 month what nature has designed you for? Peace. I will be doing this. I am inviting anybody to join me.

Ditto that on social media algorithms. They're literally designed to promote you content to maximize the time you'll spend on things like "watch time" on the site. I've spent years trying to optimize my content to YouTube's algorithm, and it's made me pretty guilty in this way for producing content. Ditto that on having a hunter gatherer brain as well. While I still love making my own EDM tracks, I definitely get to a serious saturation point with listening to the music and the mechanisms through which it's available to us. Not good for my brain. Over the next couple months, I'd be down to join you in figuring out where else this is at play in our lives, from music song switching, to internet use, to social media, etc.

 

[Kraken]

Day 17 - 7/23/19: 8pm

It was an alright day today.  Studied some flashcards and had a lot of trouble focusing at work.  Have been clicking through a lot of articles and other junk on my phone. Overwatch made a new hero so I went home and played for three hours and ate some candy.  About to go on a walk with my friend.  I feel weirdly tired and restless. 

Stay free,

-squid

 

[Kraken]

So I came home and played three hours of overwatch and it really put me in a slump, I've been noticing that.  My friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wanted to go on a walk.  I said yes then I realized I wanted to run.  I sit in front of the computer all day at work then all night at home and I wonder why I feel jittery and weird.  I'm just not designed to do that, it's foolish.  I did my run and then a mile walk and it was awesome.  Glad I did it.  Even when you don't feel great or feel like showing up, just show up and then you'll feel good.  It's the showing up that's the hardest part.

Tomorrow's plan:
Morning kettlebell workout
No playing on phone at work
Study as soon as I get home from work for 30 mins
Log on to the website I bought a few months ago for the blog and dream about how great it would be to post some stuff.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I love going on walks: they get me away from the usual environment and stimuli and help me to refocus my mind and refresh my body. Glad you got a chance to get out a little.

Excited about your commitment to show up! Even if you can't do everything you want to do, make sure you do something. Carve out some time, any time, in your day for each thing you want to work on and then show up for it. Regularity and diligence are way more important than a lot of other things when it comes to achieving goals.

 

[Kraken]

I love going on walks: they get me away from the usual environment and stimuli and help me to refocus my mind and refresh my body. Glad you got a chance to get out a little.

Excited about your commitment to show up! Even if you can't do everything you want to do, make sure you do something. Carve out some time, any time, in your day for each thing you want to work on and then show up for it. Regularity and diligence are way more important than a lot of other things when it comes to achieving goals.

Me too blue!  Walks are great.  And so is showing up

 

[rob24]

So I came home and played three hours of overwatch and it really put me in a slump, I've been noticing that.  My friend snapped me out of it by asking if I wanted to go on a walk.  I said yes then I realized I wanted to run.  I sit in front of the computer all day at work then all night at home and I wonder why I feel jittery and weird.  I'm just not designed to do that, it's foolish.  I did my run and then a mile walk and it was awesome.  Glad I did it.  Even when you don't feel great or feel like showing up, just show up and then you'll feel good.  It's the showing up that's the hardest part.

Tomorrow's plan:
Morning kettlebell workout
No playing on phone at work
Study as soon as I get home from work for 30 mins
Log on to the website I bought a few months ago for the blog and dream about how great it would be to post some stuff.

Similar feelings here. I'm on day 13 and going on day 14 and just starting to realize how ritualistic PMO had become in my bedtime routine. Insomnia is making a slight resurgence again. I'm replacing it by fantasizing. And when I'm not fantasizing about women, I'm thinking about my own muscle-building goals, which is yet still sexualized. Sorry to hear about the work putting stress on you by not tiring you out in the right ways! If it's any consolation, as a teacher, I found myself standing in front of a room supervising for many hours a day, then packed into crowded trains and subways for hours on end, which led to great muscle aches and pains. I suppose it's sort of a consequence of any workplace ^_^ Did you talk about setting up an ergonomic office? I thought that was a great idea!