Good to hear you're pursuing your goals confidently! Since I started rebuilding my habits and avoiding PMO, I've been logging everything on a spreadsheet that I accomplish each day, ticking boxes for completing habits. Your talk about videogames makes me think of how "gamifying" your life can be really rewarding. At one point in time, I gave myself spending incentives to meet PMO abstinence goals. It could be pretty helpful, or some other type of data tracking/reward system. You can definitely combine these two types of activities productively, I bet!
Kraken's journal
- Thread starter Kraken
- Start date
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Wow, that's all amazing! The resolve you have now, not how you "blew it all up" for a little while, of course.
You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.
You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.
And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.
Rooting for you all the way!
You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.
You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.
And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.
Rooting for you all the way!
Day 10 - 7/16/19: 6pm
It felt really good to get that long post off my mind last night. And I appreciate the support Rob! I feel a strong passion towards creating something, some kind of art or organization or something. I do know I have those three goals that I abandoned and fled from like a wolf was chasing me. I believe that is where I must begin. I will use the fear that drove me into pmo as a compass. I will sail towards the fear. Writing that puts a tingle on my spine. I blink quickly, wiping away the beginning of a tear. I'm starting to feel again. It's getting more noticeable and I'm so happy about that.
For anyone else going through a flatline who feels like a zombie the first few weeks after quitting pmo - just keep going. I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years. I got some new headphones on prime day, just put in one of my favorite songs and just cried. It sounds so good, life's so beautiful man. I'm tired of hiding. I was so tired bro. Addiction is a monster that steals joy to prevent dreams.
I'm excited to get serious about learning a new language, it's going to be a lot of brain changing
. In other exciting news one of my co workers who is a super talented graphic artist told me to come into work an hour early each day and she'd help me along with graphic design. I'll have to change when I workout but I'm going to give it a try. I'm excited to learn some skills that will help with my website I'm making to record my language learning blog. Step by step I know, but the trend is positive.
Also, a bunch of girls have been reaching out to me. Idk if it's a coincidence but the text conversations have been easy and fun. I'm talking to four women right now some are just friends but still it's nice. Now that I'm have more self love, I have love to give away in conversations and friendships. And maybe someday a relationship.
I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations. I'm nervous about when they come on super strong. I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part.
Stay free my friends,
squid
It felt really good to get that long post off my mind last night. And I appreciate the support Rob! I feel a strong passion towards creating something, some kind of art or organization or something. I do know I have those three goals that I abandoned and fled from like a wolf was chasing me. I believe that is where I must begin. I will use the fear that drove me into pmo as a compass. I will sail towards the fear. Writing that puts a tingle on my spine. I blink quickly, wiping away the beginning of a tear. I'm starting to feel again. It's getting more noticeable and I'm so happy about that.
For anyone else going through a flatline who feels like a zombie the first few weeks after quitting pmo - just keep going. I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years. I got some new headphones on prime day, just put in one of my favorite songs and just cried. It sounds so good, life's so beautiful man. I'm tired of hiding. I was so tired bro. Addiction is a monster that steals joy to prevent dreams.
I'm excited to get serious about learning a new language, it's going to be a lot of brain changing
. In other exciting news one of my co workers who is a super talented graphic artist told me to come into work an hour early each day and she'd help me along with graphic design. I'll have to change when I workout but I'm going to give it a try. I'm excited to learn some skills that will help with my website I'm making to record my language learning blog. Step by step I know, but the trend is positive.Also, a bunch of girls have been reaching out to me. Idk if it's a coincidence but the text conversations have been easy and fun. I'm talking to four women right now some are just friends but still it's nice. Now that I'm have more self love, I have love to give away in conversations and friendships. And maybe someday a relationship.
I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations. I'm nervous about when they come on super strong. I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part.
Stay free my friends,
squid
BlueHeronFan said:
I learned about the concept of resistance from Steve Pressfield's War of Art and Seth Godin's the Iccarus Deception. Those two books changed my life for sure. I highly recommend. The addict the artist are two sides of the same coin. Both deal with the void but in their own way.
And thanks, I'm nervous about commiting to too much at once but I didn't I took my time to think it over. And I've been laying the ground work for these new habits to replace gaming for months. But without pmo and gaming I feel raw and vulnerable. But I am also excited and committed.
I always look forward to your replies Blue, Rob, Lero, Restoration, Do or die, thank you for all, and everyone else! It really makes a difference.
Stay free,
-squid
L
Lero
Guest
This is great so far, man! Keep going in the same way.
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
squid said:
Both of these thoughts are important. That first one really resonated with me: I've hit recovery especially hard since the start of the year, and it has also been one of the hardest/worst times of my life emotionally. I've talked about it before on my journal, and there are probably a lot of reasons for why that is. But I have been thinking more lately about how part of it might just be that I'm not self-medicating with PMO right now. Maybe these bad feelings have always been there but I've never let myself feel them until now. Still a drag, but that perspective helps me to see that's all part of the actual process of healing.
It's good to stay positive, but it's also super important to be realistic about what you're experiencing. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're experiencing more urges/temptations. It's a good thing to acknowledge because it makes you more alert. It might sound even more negative, but I don't think this is: those urges will get stronger, and really hard days will come. Get ready for it. I think that's an important thing to realize because A) I always use to think the goal was not to have urges/feel tempted anymore, but the real goal is learning how to deal with them in healthier ways when they arise, and B) when you know they're coming, you can get ready.
When those urges come, just focus on getting through the day. They might get really strong, and it might feel like they're only getting worse and the only way to make them stop is to PMO. But that's not true. No matter how bad they get, they will eventually let up if you push through. Strong urges are temporary. It has helped me a lot to learn that periods of strong urges/temptation don't last forever. Maybe a couple days, but then they go away for a while.
Keep on going!
Day 11 - 7/17/19: 7pm
Good day today, kept busy. I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work. I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying. It takes two to communicate after all.
I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones. My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance. I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone. I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share. But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.
This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone. I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day. So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
Good day today, kept busy. I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work. I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying. It takes two to communicate after all.
I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones. My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance. I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone. I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share. But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.
This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone. I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day. So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
Thanks for the thoughts blue, I had an experience like that tonight where I got home from work really tired and didn't do any of my goals but did make a nice dinner and watched my show. Then and extra episode, then I went to the store and ate a bunch of candy. Which is unusual for me but after eating a lot and watching two hours worth of the show. I felt sugar hazed and tv glazed. My friend asked if I want to go to this cool event in my city, and I was like "I'm tired and am just going to chill". But then I thought about it and I realized I was making other activities numb me and give me an escape like pmo and video games used to.
So, I said, "I changed my mind", and then went into the city and really enjoyed the event. I'm glad I made that choice.
So, I said, "I changed my mind", and then went into the city and really enjoyed the event. I'm glad I made that choice.
Day 12 - 7/18/19: 7pm
I have my Korean lesson tonight and yet again I haven't studied, I didn't work out today either, and I think I have two ear infections and don't have a doctor in this city that I know. Went to urgent care a few weeks ago and they didn't help. I've had very low energy today and have been on my phone a lot.
Still not a bad day. Got a lot done at work, did my first ever lunch out with a vendor by myself and got through the day. It was a tough day, the pain in my ears and the low energy and odd mood from pmo withdrawal have mad things challenging. Also I don't even want to do my lesson. I didn't study and it gets really uncomfortable when I don't.
I'm going to keep going forward though, not every day in the beginning will be fantastic. I'm going to do my lesson, and some chores and my workout tomorrow.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
I have my Korean lesson tonight and yet again I haven't studied, I didn't work out today either, and I think I have two ear infections and don't have a doctor in this city that I know. Went to urgent care a few weeks ago and they didn't help. I've had very low energy today and have been on my phone a lot.
Still not a bad day. Got a lot done at work, did my first ever lunch out with a vendor by myself and got through the day. It was a tough day, the pain in my ears and the low energy and odd mood from pmo withdrawal have mad things challenging. Also I don't even want to do my lesson. I didn't study and it gets really uncomfortable when I don't.
I'm going to keep going forward though, not every day in the beginning will be fantastic. I'm going to do my lesson, and some chores and my workout tomorrow.
Stay free my friends,
-squid
BlueHeronFan
Respected Member
Awesome progress, man! Great realization that you were using something else to numb yourself, and it's awesome that you changed your mind and went out to have a good time!
Yeah, thinking about spouses and SOs is one of the most complicated things for me. I feel like that's basically what I want more than anything, but I also feel like my history with porn has effectively ruled that out for me. I know with my head that that isn't true: what I did in the past shouldn't matter if I live clean in the future. But it's still something I worry about a lot. If you learn anything good from those journals, share it with me! I'm always interested in learning more about how to navigate a relationship with a history of addiction.
Keep on going!
Yeah, thinking about spouses and SOs is one of the most complicated things for me. I feel like that's basically what I want more than anything, but I also feel like my history with porn has effectively ruled that out for me. I know with my head that that isn't true: what I did in the past shouldn't matter if I live clean in the future. But it's still something I worry about a lot. If you learn anything good from those journals, share it with me! I'm always interested in learning more about how to navigate a relationship with a history of addiction.
Keep on going!
Throughout the evening and especially right now I've been feeling a ton of fatigue and my ear is starting to really ache. I just feel really drained. In response I canceled my lesson. Yes I'll lose $15 but I need to go to bed and sleep a bunch. I'm not giving up on the language goal but I certainly need a new approach. One that involves regular practice. If only I stopped some activity that used to use all my free time and suddenly had tons of time on my hands.. oh wait a minute ha ha.
BlueHeronFan said:
I feel that too man. The thing is though, women can be very understanding and supportive. I might even say a man who has overcome adversity and purposefully made a life he enjoys is way more attractive than a man who hasn't had as much struggle. The addict is interesting and attractive because we are called to something. On the other hand, the addict is mind numbingly boring and frustrating because we never live out that calling and just run to the addiction. If you are living out your calling instead of running to the addiction, you will be more artist than addict.
squid said:
So interesting development here, I sent my teacher a message canceling the lesson through the website app, it is an online lesson. But she must not have seen because she called me on skype at our lesson time. I had brushed my teeth and was able to lay down. But after frantically plugging on my mic and headphones, I answered the call.
And you know what? Even though I haven't studied in weeks and my ear hurt and all the bullshit .. once I sat down and started communicating in Korean and learning, I was okay. I was better than okay, I was laughing, cracking jokes in Korean and had a great time and one of my best lessons ever. Incredible, I was thinking of quitting tonight. But I'm more motivated now than I've been in a long time. It's not the language that's hard, it's the sitting down to study or to use the language that's hard. Once I'm there and in the action, my fear goes away and I'm okay.
I believe this experience tonight will be key in the weeks to come.
No regrets
Member
I just want you to know that you are so loved. I think you should know this as i don't think you realise just how amazing You are and just how much you mean to me and others. You are VALUED and PRECIOUS. Whatever you're feeling, however you are, please know that you are flipping INCREDIBLE!!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Your goals are just right, don't be disappointed if your radical change of lifestyle doesn't work 100% from the beginning and there are setbacks along the road. Life is about creating beautiful memories and the only thing porn ever creates is the feeling of regret. Video games might not have the same amount of damage, but still you won't sit there 5 years from now thinking "Remember when I finally reached the next level at my favourite game?"
Learning a language opens new worlds and connects you to new people, making new experiences that will last. Still there is hard work behind it and it's up to you to learn the self discipline and motivation to make it through tough times as you already experienced with low motivation.
You are on the right track and consistency will lead you to success!
Learning a language opens new worlds and connects you to new people, making new experiences that will last. Still there is hard work behind it and it's up to you to learn the self discipline and motivation to make it through tough times as you already experienced with low motivation.
You are on the right track and consistency will lead you to success!
achilles heel said:Your goals are just right, don't be disappointed if your radical change of lifestyle doesn't work 100% from the beginning and there are setbacks along the road. Life is about creating beautiful memories and the only thing porn ever creates is the feeling of regret. Video games might not have the same amount of damage, but still you won't sit there 5 years from now thinking "Remember when I finally reached the next level at my favourite game?"
Learning a language opens new worlds and connects you to new people, making new experiences that will last. Still there is hard work behind it and it's up to you to learn the self discipline and motivation to make it through tough times as you already experienced with low motivation.
You are on the right track and consistency will lead you to success!
Thank you my friend. I'm on way my there and privileged to share the journey with you
Day 13 - 7/19/19
Yesterday was very strange. I went to an after work bbq and ending up staying there all night. Lots of drinking and at the end of the night I ate an edible for the first time. That was very trippy, getting home was a blur. I don't think I would have had it if I wasn't really drunk. It was alright but not planning on doing it again any time soon.
In other news, the tinder girl I've been messaging a lot didn't work out. We were scheduling a meet up a few times and she kept finding excuses. Then today she said she went out with someone else and is going with him. That kind of hurts because I thought we were having some good conversations. But nothing counts in online dating until you meet in person so it's whatever. Also she might just be on there to practice English. Annoying though.
I'm definitely starting to feel different, two weeks of no pmo. It's weird and I'm not used to it yet. But excited for the future.
Stay free,
-squid
Yesterday was very strange. I went to an after work bbq and ending up staying there all night. Lots of drinking and at the end of the night I ate an edible for the first time. That was very trippy, getting home was a blur. I don't think I would have had it if I wasn't really drunk. It was alright but not planning on doing it again any time soon.
In other news, the tinder girl I've been messaging a lot didn't work out. We were scheduling a meet up a few times and she kept finding excuses. Then today she said she went out with someone else and is going with him. That kind of hurts because I thought we were having some good conversations. But nothing counts in online dating until you meet in person so it's whatever. Also she might just be on there to practice English. Annoying though.
I'm definitely starting to feel different, two weeks of no pmo. It's weird and I'm not used to it yet. But excited for the future.
Stay free,
-squid
L
Lero
Guest
So you have as many days as me, man? This is great. Keep applying the same tactics and you will be fine.