24yo Journal
- Thread starter rob24
- Start date
squid said:
Nice man! reading before bed is a great way to combat the insomnia - PMO had been a bedtime ritual up until I quit. Now it's reading, or I just fall straight off to sleep!
My whole life has completely changed for the better from where it was a week ago. I just reached out to an old friend and I'm making arrangements to go visit him after I finish my teaching contract. I'm taking feedback positively from my coach, who's hinted at the possibility of working with them again in future years, and I'm starting to feel ready to take bigger risks to talk to people I normally wouldn't feel comfortable with. Cold showers help with that. What is there to lose?
I feel rich - rich in time, in money, in potential, and in ways I felt stagnated before, even! Over the last couple days I've even started to reframe the way i see sex as a whole. Everything was a fetish before for self-gratification, but now I'm starting to just think more lovingly about the other sex rather than feeling hatred and jealousy and like I'm being blocked out by women or some ridiculous thoughts like that - call it an inferiority complex. I am much more confident in myself as I am. Of course there are ups and downs, but all of the thoughts and feelings up until this point have led me through years of what I have been experiencing unconsciously.
I'm also finding myself sitting with hours of time that I had previously spent rushing from PMO to other forms of gratification. I realize that time passes more slowly and I can savor moments and feelings better. I still have been procrastinating, but I feel wealthy in time and opportunity! I am so glad that this is working during a time period where I had time off. I honestly felt like it would have been worth an extended vacation from work to focus solely on quitting PMO, and it's beginning to seem like this is one of the best streaks I've ever been on. I am so grateful and I hope that it never ends. The benefits are outrageous!
8 days - I should be on the lookout for triggers today.
I'm flying very high today. I honestly feel like I have the stones to do things I would have rather hidden under the covers over a couple days ago.
Risk-taking: Improved! I'm greeting strangers on my morning jogs without fear, and I made more requests on Facebook to people I haven't spoken with in awhile. Feels great!
Motivation to do things I hate: still working on this one.
Habits: Much improved
Surprisingly, I'm also confronting these weird situations in my past where I felt closeted and defensive being a virgin/addicted to PMO and I'm confronting more of these feelings with a growth mindset, and challenging a lot of my old assumptions. I need to be patient with myself. So much inner development is taking place, and it feels crazy. I've hardly started reaching out to other people, and I feel like there is a war being waged inside me. Thanks to all of you for the support.
I'm flying very high today. I honestly feel like I have the stones to do things I would have rather hidden under the covers over a couple days ago.
Risk-taking: Improved! I'm greeting strangers on my morning jogs without fear, and I made more requests on Facebook to people I haven't spoken with in awhile. Feels great!
Motivation to do things I hate: still working on this one.
Habits: Much improved
Surprisingly, I'm also confronting these weird situations in my past where I felt closeted and defensive being a virgin/addicted to PMO and I'm confronting more of these feelings with a growth mindset, and challenging a lot of my old assumptions. I need to be patient with myself. So much inner development is taking place, and it feels crazy. I've hardly started reaching out to other people, and I feel like there is a war being waged inside me. Thanks to all of you for the support.
squid said:rob24 said:
Nice work rob, sounds like things are going well! Use that new time well
Thanks squid! You bet I will! Always grateful for your support and being there man!
9 Days
I find myself thinking about porn frequently. I have been keeping with habits, but triggers have been around and I need to be on the lookout and steady in my commitment. I'm literally reading a book on cunnilingus right now, partly since I was squeamish about it with my ex-girlfriend, and now I'm kind of opening up to this whole idea for the next time I get into a relationship. It's full of triggers, but I feel like it's making me a better, more giving man. I also started watching a bit of Netflix (half hour a day) for conversation starters. So often I feel like I have odd tastes, and I just want something pop/pulp. I started watching Black Mirror, and it's pretty good! I've been making YouTube videos and commuting and teaching for so long, that I feel like my entire life is abnormally out of whack, and I don't have normalcy. I just want to cultivate a few normal, healthy relationships.
I made it a point to reach out to some old friends (one a day, to be specific) and I've already managed to set up meeting with two friends, one male and one female, from college, and a trip for when I'm done with my teaching contract. In the meantime, I'm preparing (or procrastinating and improving my habits) and working on good habits.
One thing that really helped was to make a daily checklist so that I can avoid all kinds of distractions and focus on what's important. The main task is motivating myself to keep doing the next thing on the checklist, which I hear is great for emotional intelligence (being able to motivate oneself). I'm also reaching out to one new person a day I need to catch up with in my life, which has been really rewarding after only three days, and I'm getting bolder to reach out to people I previously felt scared to reach out to.
Another note, on erection quality in the morning. I've noticed a different, harder quality about my morning wood, which is (though it may be too early to really tell definitively) slowly returning moreso. The shaft has been harder, but I'm still confronting this unusual, what I believe to be an inconsistency, where the head of my penis remains soft and doesn't fill with blood. Not sure if this is a cause for concern or something that returns. Normally this type of problem or any bodily harm gives me anxiety, which often causes me to return to the old destructive PMO habits, but I'm confronting this rationally and with a growth mindset. I will calmly seek to better understand my problem, and let time help heal this. I worry that it might be related to my prone masturbation habits as a kid, so I've been starting to read up on venous leak and similar things (while being careful not to self-diagnose too much). I'm calm and collected and I can confront this or any issue. I need to keep my eyes on the prize though, which is that I'm nearly at double digit days now! Thanks again for your support, and stay strong!
Midday:
Not entirely sure why, but I'm feeling really anxious, and I recognize that anxiousness increases sexual tension in me and makes me want to let off the steam by jerking off. I just feel awful in my stomach, but I'm staying strong, and intervening in my day by writing about this. Hope not to have to post so much eventually, but this is really aiding me as a substitute for PMO, and it helps me express my feelings since I can't think of anyone in real life to really bother about with this. Just grateful for your guys' being here.
Here are the main sources of anxiety:
Driving lesson today (I don't know why, perhaps it's because of fear of failure, but this is making me anxious right now)
Procrastinating for my upcoming teaching contract, at which I've found success in preparing by just forcing myself to work alongside a timer each day. Although I don't accomplish goals by session, I at least put in time
Longer-term anxiety about finding a job after this, finding what really interests and excites me, and a generally uncertain time period after I ended my current teaching gig (commute was too far by hours, and it was incredibly challenging to supply so much motivation where I worked, along with working conditions being pretty long and daunting, plus I want to try something else or a different area while I'm young, and pursue other interests).
I'm also anxious because the last few days have been very same-y, despite the fact that I've done a great job getting into good habits.
I'm also worried that I won't be able to keep up these good habits once my teaching contract starts and my life will get totally derailed again. It feels like working for subsistence and killing time sometimes.
These are all really good things to think about. I think I need to aim high for whatever are my next goals and aims. I can use this to help me narrow and focus my scope.
THAT,^^ however, was only the negatives. They're actually a great way to start thinking about the future and growth when I look at them with a growth mindset. And perhaps, the more miserable and anxious I become, the closer I will get to the root of why I feel stagnant in life. Heck, I didn't realize it, but this anxiety might actually lead me to greater fulfillment and happiness in the end!
With that in mind, let's go over the positives for a bit:
I'm definitely more in tune with my feelings, but it can lead to some torment where I'd previously just brush it off with a session of PMO. THis is helping me address issues with more nuanced working through my feelings, rather than using short-term stimulus.
I've also started getting rid of some of the hobbies I had while into these perverse sexual tastes. While I might consider it a negative, it's saving me money and making me less scared to have people back in my life.
It's also been a lot more time spent thinking about recovery, but is that really a drawback, when eventually I'll be free and stronger?
It's odd, I keep marrying this whole self-improvement to this one girl I knew a few years ago and just recently met back up with. I felt like vermin when I thought about her a week ago, trapped in my habits and self-indulgence, but now I'm feeling more confident when I think about talking to her, and I'm more objective in the reasons why I do things. I'm more honest with myself and genuinely just feeling more altruistic. Days seem to have more meaning as they unfold. That's a lot to trade for viewing images of internet porn, so I think I'm feeling a little bit better and a little bit more patient with myself now. Thank you for reading, and I hope that this helped someone!
Just re-read to give myself a better sense of how I'm doing. I realized this, since I'm feeling slow and unsteady, and I'm worrying about things like employability, etc. if I am in off time and I appear to be running in place. NO DAY IS WASTED TIME AS LONG AS YOU'RE WORKING AT YOUR COMMITMENT! Even a day spent staring at a wall would be more productive than doing a lot, but failing to keep my commitment.
Not entirely sure why, but I'm feeling really anxious, and I recognize that anxiousness increases sexual tension in me and makes me want to let off the steam by jerking off. I just feel awful in my stomach, but I'm staying strong, and intervening in my day by writing about this. Hope not to have to post so much eventually, but this is really aiding me as a substitute for PMO, and it helps me express my feelings since I can't think of anyone in real life to really bother about with this. Just grateful for your guys' being here.
Here are the main sources of anxiety:
Driving lesson today (I don't know why, perhaps it's because of fear of failure, but this is making me anxious right now)
Procrastinating for my upcoming teaching contract, at which I've found success in preparing by just forcing myself to work alongside a timer each day. Although I don't accomplish goals by session, I at least put in time
Longer-term anxiety about finding a job after this, finding what really interests and excites me, and a generally uncertain time period after I ended my current teaching gig (commute was too far by hours, and it was incredibly challenging to supply so much motivation where I worked, along with working conditions being pretty long and daunting, plus I want to try something else or a different area while I'm young, and pursue other interests).
I'm also anxious because the last few days have been very same-y, despite the fact that I've done a great job getting into good habits.
I'm also worried that I won't be able to keep up these good habits once my teaching contract starts and my life will get totally derailed again. It feels like working for subsistence and killing time sometimes.
These are all really good things to think about. I think I need to aim high for whatever are my next goals and aims. I can use this to help me narrow and focus my scope.
THAT,^^ however, was only the negatives. They're actually a great way to start thinking about the future and growth when I look at them with a growth mindset. And perhaps, the more miserable and anxious I become, the closer I will get to the root of why I feel stagnant in life. Heck, I didn't realize it, but this anxiety might actually lead me to greater fulfillment and happiness in the end!
With that in mind, let's go over the positives for a bit:
- Increased libido
- More positive, assertive conversation
- Extra time from not using PMO
- Insomnia is going away, and my sleep schedule is getting more consistent
- More time for tugging since I don't veer off into PMO
- More attracted to women
- Being able to appreciate different viewpoints more (subtle, but I'm sensing this. I can register my emotions as they're happening and pull them apart more, a sign of emotional intelligence. For instance, I have this tendency to get annoyed when I read articles by women who feel victimized because I myself felt victimized from circumcision. I'm not saying that I'm right, as these issues are complex and multifaceted, but I can more easily follow along with logic and reasoning rather than skipping to ballistic emotional responses and using porn or something to pacify my feelings.
- More frequent morning wood
- Slightly increased sensitivity around the genitals
- I'm becoming more social again, and I reached out to two friends to meet
- (Hard to prove, but I'm feeling it) Less cynicism when I think about reaching out to others
- Greater altruism
- Music sounds better
- Starting to pursue more meaningful long-term interests, rather than short-term gratification. Thinking more about the meaning of life.
I'm definitely more in tune with my feelings, but it can lead to some torment where I'd previously just brush it off with a session of PMO. THis is helping me address issues with more nuanced working through my feelings, rather than using short-term stimulus.
I've also started getting rid of some of the hobbies I had while into these perverse sexual tastes. While I might consider it a negative, it's saving me money and making me less scared to have people back in my life.
It's also been a lot more time spent thinking about recovery, but is that really a drawback, when eventually I'll be free and stronger?
It's odd, I keep marrying this whole self-improvement to this one girl I knew a few years ago and just recently met back up with. I felt like vermin when I thought about her a week ago, trapped in my habits and self-indulgence, but now I'm feeling more confident when I think about talking to her, and I'm more objective in the reasons why I do things. I'm more honest with myself and genuinely just feeling more altruistic. Days seem to have more meaning as they unfold. That's a lot to trade for viewing images of internet porn, so I think I'm feeling a little bit better and a little bit more patient with myself now. Thank you for reading, and I hope that this helped someone!
Just re-read to give myself a better sense of how I'm doing. I realized this, since I'm feeling slow and unsteady, and I'm worrying about things like employability, etc. if I am in off time and I appear to be running in place. NO DAY IS WASTED TIME AS LONG AS YOU'RE WORKING AT YOUR COMMITMENT! Even a day spent staring at a wall would be more productive than doing a lot, but failing to keep my commitment.
10 Days
Just hit a new level of commitment. I found myself looking at P subs last night. I go through phases during my abstinence. Generally speaking, if I can't have porn to satisfy sexual tastes, I'll start embarking on these quests to transform myself. It's almost like when I watch porn, that's me fantasizing about the kind of sexual experience I wish I were having, so I start imagining myself transforming into some sort of sex machine, then I put that into practice through exercise, etc. The whole notion of that idea still gets me excited, but I'm focusing my energy on beign more precise as I go about following my daily routines.
I'm flatlining a bit and becoming more analytical. Not sure if this is a real, actual flatline, but I think my initial period of extreme gratitude and excitement with first, most immediate benefits, is ending. What I think will come next will be longer, less adrenaline-filled, and more drawn out. I need to be careful, because although I have confidence about making it a few days in a row, there is always the dreaded overthinking that comes on during this phase where I convince myself calmly to return to PMO.
Let's reiterate some benefits that I'm experiencing today:
Benefits I still am looking forward to:
Improved erections
Greater sensitivity
More sensitivity to arousal
Loss of delayed ejaculation/anorgasmia
Completely forgetting about porn and pornographic fantasies in daily life and social interactions - subtle, but really important
Greater motivation (this could still be improved. I spend a lot of the day writing down goals, and sitting around feeling stoned from withdrawal. I think I could improve here)
Better emotional intelligence and intelligence (EQ and IQ) - this includes a host of skills of emotional regulation
Near complete self-acceptance - I've got a lot of places in my past dealings with women and men where I realize I've got a huge chip on my shoulder. I am dedicating part of my day to trying to fight through these demons and get to know them better. Reminds me of that episode of Naruto where he subdues Kurama when he meets his mother. I think this road to love and self-acceptance will be the biggest one, now that I think of it.
Jesus, I just started crying thinking about all of this. You know you break down barriers when that happens. more to come soon. Just remember, behind every flatline, plateau, and period where you feel like all of your feeling and passion are turned off, just as I felt this morning, there is a wellspring beneath which lies a greater, more true self waiting to be tapped into.
Just hit a new level of commitment. I found myself looking at P subs last night. I go through phases during my abstinence. Generally speaking, if I can't have porn to satisfy sexual tastes, I'll start embarking on these quests to transform myself. It's almost like when I watch porn, that's me fantasizing about the kind of sexual experience I wish I were having, so I start imagining myself transforming into some sort of sex machine, then I put that into practice through exercise, etc. The whole notion of that idea still gets me excited, but I'm focusing my energy on beign more precise as I go about following my daily routines.
I'm flatlining a bit and becoming more analytical. Not sure if this is a real, actual flatline, but I think my initial period of extreme gratitude and excitement with first, most immediate benefits, is ending. What I think will come next will be longer, less adrenaline-filled, and more drawn out. I need to be careful, because although I have confidence about making it a few days in a row, there is always the dreaded overthinking that comes on during this phase where I convince myself calmly to return to PMO.
Let's reiterate some benefits that I'm experiencing today:
- A more subtle form of self-control, performing tasks completely and in a given order WITHOUT SKIPPING THROUGH parts that are difficult
- Spending more time on long-term rather than short-term hoals
- Normal sleep hours
- Music sounds better
- I am more mindful of others
- Less cynical and socially awkward
- I can follow more rules I set for myself
- More altruistic
Benefits I still am looking forward to:
Improved erections
Greater sensitivity
More sensitivity to arousal
Loss of delayed ejaculation/anorgasmia
Completely forgetting about porn and pornographic fantasies in daily life and social interactions - subtle, but really important
Greater motivation (this could still be improved. I spend a lot of the day writing down goals, and sitting around feeling stoned from withdrawal. I think I could improve here)
Better emotional intelligence and intelligence (EQ and IQ) - this includes a host of skills of emotional regulation
Near complete self-acceptance - I've got a lot of places in my past dealings with women and men where I realize I've got a huge chip on my shoulder. I am dedicating part of my day to trying to fight through these demons and get to know them better. Reminds me of that episode of Naruto where he subdues Kurama when he meets his mother. I think this road to love and self-acceptance will be the biggest one, now that I think of it.
Jesus, I just started crying thinking about all of this. You know you break down barriers when that happens. more to come soon. Just remember, behind every flatline, plateau, and period where you feel like all of your feeling and passion are turned off, just as I felt this morning, there is a wellspring beneath which lies a greater, more true self waiting to be tapped into.
squid said:
Thanks squid! Glad to hear it! Stay strong man. Grateful to have your kindness and support so much
I just got insomnia out of nowhere yesterday and I was up in bed for two hours. For me at this stage the greatest threat is the sudden onrush of urges seemingly out of nowhere. This is still a great big and unpredictable hurdle I'm working on how to manage from here all the way up through day 90 and beyond. But I still feel like it's a quick fix and the bigger task is to turn myself into the type of person who wouldn't ever even need to watch porn or jerk off to gratify himself. Stay tuned friend!I just had this realization last night that the girl I have been marrying all of this new self-image to has been/had been? going out with this other guy the last time I checked. Not honestly sure why I've married this whole idea to her, though now it's here. I honestly felt lost when I first realized it last night while I was lying in bed, half-fantasizing about her. I can't tell if it's real attraction or what my brain does when I quit PMO. This has happened a couple times before.
Either way, I'm trying to avoid going down this whole road of self-christened redemption I went down a few years ago when something similar happened. My hope is that I can avoid becoming emotionally unstable/turbulent by naming my feelings a few times each day.
I've been reading about emotional intelligence a lot, and a few key aspects include:
recognizing your feelings as they happen (the sooner the better)
managing those feelings appropriately (for example, not going ballistic at times when it's inappropriate)
And then there are other skills directed toward empathy with others. As I spend less time alone and more time out with others I'll start to work more on those, though one thing that has helped me each day is to just start in small steps like this. For example, making myself write down names for my feelings and being really honest with myself 2-3 times a day helps me manage these feelings, or at the very least, be more aware of them to start. Hopefully I can contribute something back to this community to help people develop greater emotional intelligence with a little daily routine I'm coming up with.
Gettingstronger.org also has great articles I've been reading on hormesis and developing strength - physically and psychologically. I just recently read an interesting idea on how to quit procrastinating. More to come on this soon, but there's so much to do today I can hardly wait!
rob24 said:Thanks squid! Glad to hear it! Stay strong man. Grateful to have your kindness and support so muchsquid said:
I just had this realization last night that the girl I have been marrying all of this new self-image to has been/had been? going out with this other guy the last time I checked. Not honestly sure why I've married this whole idea to her, though now it's here. I honestly felt lost when I first realized it last night while I was lying in bed, half-fantasizing about her. I can't tell if it's real attraction or what my brain does when I quit PMO. This has happened a couple times before.
Either way, I'm trying to avoid going down this whole road of self-christened redemption I went down a few years ago when something similar happened. My hope is that I can avoid becoming emotionally unstable/turbulent by naming my feelings a few times each day.
I've been reading about emotional intelligence a lot, and a few key aspects include:
recognizing your feelings as they happen (the sooner the better)
managing those feelings appropriately (for example, not going ballistic at times when it's inappropriate)
And then there are other skills directed toward empathy with others. As I spend less time alone and more time out with others I'll start to work more on those, though one thing that has helped me each day is to just start in small steps like this. For example, making myself write down names for my feelings and being really honest with myself 2-3 times a day helps me manage these feelings, or at the very least, be more aware of them to start. Hopefully I can contribute something back to this community to help people develop greater emotional intelligence with a little daily routine I'm coming up with.
Gettingstronger.org also has great articles I've been reading on hormesis and developing strength - physically and psychologically. I just recently read an interesting idea on how to quit procrastinating. More to come on this soon, but there's so much to do today I can hardly wait!
Weird rob, I had random insomnia paired with strong urges last night too for two hours. I did deep breathing, lit a calming candle and read a boom but nothing was working. So I wrote a super long journal entry as a way to process my racing brain. Also took a melotonin which helped a lot. Also same about the sudden rush of urges, it seems we are both in that stage of reboot now. It's gnarly dude but stay strong. Journaling during the urge was very helpful to me.
squid said:rob24 said:Thanks squid! Glad to hear it! Stay strong man. Grateful to have your kindness and support so muchsquid said:
I just had this realization last night that the girl I have been marrying all of this new self-image to has been/had been? going out with this other guy the last time I checked. Not honestly sure why I've married this whole idea to her, though now it's here. I honestly felt lost when I first realized it last night while I was lying in bed, half-fantasizing about her. I can't tell if it's real attraction or what my brain does when I quit PMO. This has happened a couple times before.
Either way, I'm trying to avoid going down this whole road of self-christened redemption I went down a few years ago when something similar happened. My hope is that I can avoid becoming emotionally unstable/turbulent by naming my feelings a few times each day.
I've been reading about emotional intelligence a lot, and a few key aspects include:
recognizing your feelings as they happen (the sooner the better)
managing those feelings appropriately (for example, not going ballistic at times when it's inappropriate)
And then there are other skills directed toward empathy with others. As I spend less time alone and more time out with others I'll start to work more on those, though one thing that has helped me each day is to just start in small steps like this. For example, making myself write down names for my feelings and being really honest with myself 2-3 times a day helps me manage these feelings, or at the very least, be more aware of them to start. Hopefully I can contribute something back to this community to help people develop greater emotional intelligence with a little daily routine I'm coming up with.
Gettingstronger.org also has great articles I've been reading on hormesis and developing strength - physically and psychologically. I just recently read an interesting idea on how to quit procrastinating. More to come on this soon, but there's so much to do today I can hardly wait!
Weird rob, I had random insomnia paired with strong urges last night too for two hours. I did deep breathing, lit a calming candle and read a boom but nothing was working. So I wrote a super long journal entry as a way to process my racing brain. Also took a melotonin which helped a lot. Also same about the sudden rush of urges, it seems we are both in that stage of reboot now. It's gnarly dude but stay strong. Journaling during the urge was very helpful to me.
Squid, this article https://gettingstronger.org/psychology/ helped me get a much better understanding of the brain's workings during this phase. Especially the sections on "extinction burst" and "resurgence" if you feel like doing a CTRL+F search. I still think the main factors are willpower, purpose, consistency, and a whole smattering of other things, but it helps to know that there has been research doneo n this type of thing! ^_^
Just writing again for distraction and personal validation, but it really helps me get through this time. I realized over the last year, I took on all these hobbies that I enjoyed, but really wouldn't ever want to tell anyone about in real life, like collecting ecchi anime figures. Although I like things like anime and gaming, they're not really involved in the person I want to be. It's almost like I need to act like someone else to be the person I want to be. I'm having this weird ambiguous time where I have stuff that I both like and hate at once, like really expensive computer gaming equipment. On the one hand, I think it's awesome, but on the other hand, I'm repulsed by my own sense of taste. For so long last year, I lived this double life between work and my hobbies. Teaching, as a job makes it sometimes feel awkward to do anything other than be in a classroom. I was reacting to fear of being stuck as a dead end teacher, or so I felt, by doing things that were absolutely the opposite of what my career entailed. Now that I've exited that role, I'm finally feel like the two halves are starting to come together again. It was so polarizing to do that for so long.
If anything, it's made me really tuned in to this whole notion of "looking good" vs. "acting good" vs. "being good." I almost feel like I was living in this lawless world where I just went about blending in for survival and had no sense of purpose. Deep down, I'm gravely scared of being unemployed, and I don't think I derived much sense of purpose from my job, which was very unsustainable with my commute. I value stability and habits where I can make them because they help me work toward long-term aims.
Anyway, this all got really sidetracked. A few takeaways:
At any time, if I feel urges, I will come right back to this journal, and write a long post until I am rational and realigned with my long-term aims again.
Oh yeah, I might also try to give up using music from online services for awhile. I think it contributes to this overall "click addiction" that seriously lowers my attention span. The first ten days off of PMO gave me some benefits:
What I still want to develop:
Thanks for reading! I hope this helped someone. Stay strong!
If anything, it's made me really tuned in to this whole notion of "looking good" vs. "acting good" vs. "being good." I almost feel like I was living in this lawless world where I just went about blending in for survival and had no sense of purpose. Deep down, I'm gravely scared of being unemployed, and I don't think I derived much sense of purpose from my job, which was very unsustainable with my commute. I value stability and habits where I can make them because they help me work toward long-term aims.
Anyway, this all got really sidetracked. A few takeaways:
- I will probably be happiest pursuing the things that I find most meaningful at this point in time, even if it means giving up a lot of materials from my old habits, rather than what I found meaningful before (not counting laziness, but choosing things that align with my values and long-term goals)
- I don't get my sense of worth from past accomplishments as much as I do from habits that I'm currently able to sustain, grow, and track to see progress at any given point in time
- Financial security never hurts.
- I need to tell myself to STOP when I start fantasizing. I am at the point where I'm feeling far more sensitive again. Mentally, physically, and so on. But every night doesn't have to end with me thinking constantly about sex, or love and relationships. I'm fairly convinced that every time I quit PMO, my brain makes me think I'm in love with someone between days 10 and 30. Not that there's anything wrong with really being in love, but I think that it's my brain's way of getting some gratification despite my lack of porn use.
- I have to throw out and store away a lot of things to avoid distractions, and establish a sense of renewal
- I can beat procrastination by "Eating the big frogs first"
At any time, if I feel urges, I will come right back to this journal, and write a long post until I am rational and realigned with my long-term aims again.
Oh yeah, I might also try to give up using music from online services for awhile. I think it contributes to this overall "click addiction" that seriously lowers my attention span. The first ten days off of PMO gave me some benefits:
- More socially aware
- Greater emotional intelligence
- Better habits toward long term goals
- Bedtime rituals no longer depend upon PMO (and insomnia is patchy, but starting to disappear over time
- More attracted to women
- More confidence and self-esteem
- Slightly less procrastination
- Slightly improved erections
- Slightly improved sensitivity (physically and emotionally). I had a good cry this week. Music also sounds a little better.
- Feeling more "normal" in society. Mostly a good thing. Also, I'm better able to deal with chips on my shoulders.
What I still want to develop:
- People describe me as "quirky" pretty often. I'd like to replace that adjective with something more positive. I hate to give people that vibe, and I'd much rather make them feel happy, inspired, fulfilled, loved, etc. I think I can work on my emotional intelligence in social settings more this week. My mom and sister keep correcting me in conversation, but I take it much better now.
- Almost no insomnia whatsoever
- Strengthened habits and self-control. Be more rational. Be precise. Be exact. Be motivated. I've procrastinated or defaulted to easy, low-resistance tasks often this week since I have so much free time.
- I want to definitively see improvement in erection quality, particularly in the glans and corpus spongiosum. I honestly remember enjoying the feeling just of being erect as a youngster, and though it's slowly coming back, I still feel like I could get closer to where I once was. Gosh, I just remembered today that the image of a woman in lingerie would make me literally shake as a kid. This is a goal, which would greatly help me with anorgasmia I experienced a few years back. I think the best solution will be the next bullet point:
- Quit mindless web-browsing and "click addiction" as I call it. Or just practically eliminate internet use entirely where possible. I think the endless novelty is bad for my brain's level of satisfaction.
- Get rid of or store away anything that I don't want to be - excessive possessions, bad habits, etc. There's a whole world to explore here.
- Quit "music addiction". The need dependence upon switching songs in a music playlist to get energy to perform basic tasks, like doing the dishes. I do this.
- Greater social openness - A friend recommended that I join a sports league, which seems like a fantastic idea. I don't think I could have driven myself to do this a week ago. But now, I'm feeling ready for a huge change with something like this.
- Make some other huge change in another area of my life. This is the right time. Now, and along with the good talks I've been having with some old friends, is the right time to make huge paradigm shifts like this.
- Above all, STAY COMMITTED, and remember that a step in any direction is a step away. DON'T GO BACK! Even if I have setbacks, or my other goals aren't progressing right, or if the love of my life dumps me for some other guy or something, I'm still getting stronger every day just for doing this. I'd also like to see myself come back from a few setbacks in some area I've been hesitant or inconsistent. You need to be able to confront failure with the right mindset in this arena if you want ot get very far.
Thanks for reading! I hope this helped someone. Stay strong!
rob24 said:
Good call on the click habit, I do that a lot on my phone, clicking through articles and news and all kinds of stuff I don't actually care about.
I can really relate to the expensive gaming equipment and feeling split between two lifestyles. On one had I did my thru hike and am very active but not really very consistent, more like short bursts and then I play months of games. Not as much anymore, I'm improving.
Just yesterday I lent my sister my custom gaming rig that cost $1500 when I built it. I have a gaming laptop now a friend gave me and I don't have much room in my apartment for the big machine. Still it was weird to let it go. Felt kind of liberating.
Squid - indeed - the click habit seems to be a huge grow area which is really ubiquitous in everything I do, it seems. I think getting rid of music playlists where I can skip to the next song is a good starting point for me. I'm hoping to come up with a set of behaviors that will help me be more patient to try to eliminate from my daily use. Of course, without making life inconvenient. For instance, I have smart voice-controlled lights which are actually incredibly useful for keeping my hands free, though I frequently wonder if I abuse that little rush of dopamine I get from using them. Probably, at this point, a greater good would be to push outward from my comfort zone and do more social activities. It's not all about deprivation or else I will become a hermit and an ascetic, which ultimately isn't the real goal, haha.
For instance, I'm having trouble deciding what to do with my desktop computer. I sometimes use it for music production, and I think it's an awesome hobby with few negatives. It's creative, it's interesting, it's a conversation starter...but it requires me to have all this expensive equipment which I sometimes feel is a bit excessive.
I'm sure I'll eventually find peace and usage for all this expensive creative equipment, but it's just that right now, I think I need to break through more barriers in getting down beyond the short attention span, the PMO, the "click arousal/addiction," etc.
For instance, I'm having trouble deciding what to do with my desktop computer. I sometimes use it for music production, and I think it's an awesome hobby with few negatives. It's creative, it's interesting, it's a conversation starter...but it requires me to have all this expensive equipment which I sometimes feel is a bit excessive.
I'm sure I'll eventually find peace and usage for all this expensive creative equipment, but it's just that right now, I think I need to break through more barriers in getting down beyond the short attention span, the PMO, the "click arousal/addiction," etc.
12 Day update
Feeling good this morning - just made it to the "freeman" rank on Rewire Companion. I guess it's a little bit like relapsing to feel the need to check this app all the time, but hey, some of that is just human and after all, even heroin addicts need small doses in rehab so that they can gradually come down from their withdrawal symptoms, right? (I'm honestly not sure, but isn't there something like this for drug addicts?)
I've found a lot of good in imagining that I am someone sent to take care of myself. I started watching some videos from Alpha M on YouTube. He covers a lot on grooming, charisma, etc. While sometimes, these types of videos seem hokey to me, I think the guy is pretty genuine in most of his advice and genuinely wants to help make you a happier, healthier, and better person(morally, too!). I like to imagine that I'm him coming to consult with me about the type of life that I would like to have. That's been a good starting point from which I can start to go through possessions and behaviors and really draw lines as to what I will and will not accept from myself.
For instance, I stored away all of my ecchi anime figures. I collected about 5 of them last year when I was into drawing sexy women. Something I enjoyed and I thought was aesthetically pleasing, but which I would blush to show people I know IRL. I spent so much darn money on all of these creative hobbies (countless on art and gaming supplies for my YouTube channel), but ultimately I feel like I need to seriously reassess what it's doing for happiness and fulfillment.
TODAY I am going to really zone in on focusing on being precise and exact when it comes to completing all of my daily routines. This will be the biggest payoff.
Still, if at any point, I weaken, I reserve that I can come on here and post my thoughts until urges subside. This has been a huge outlet. Can't thank you enough for your help - especially squid!
Feeling good this morning - just made it to the "freeman" rank on Rewire Companion. I guess it's a little bit like relapsing to feel the need to check this app all the time, but hey, some of that is just human and after all, even heroin addicts need small doses in rehab so that they can gradually come down from their withdrawal symptoms, right? (I'm honestly not sure, but isn't there something like this for drug addicts?)
I've found a lot of good in imagining that I am someone sent to take care of myself. I started watching some videos from Alpha M on YouTube. He covers a lot on grooming, charisma, etc. While sometimes, these types of videos seem hokey to me, I think the guy is pretty genuine in most of his advice and genuinely wants to help make you a happier, healthier, and better person(morally, too!). I like to imagine that I'm him coming to consult with me about the type of life that I would like to have. That's been a good starting point from which I can start to go through possessions and behaviors and really draw lines as to what I will and will not accept from myself.
For instance, I stored away all of my ecchi anime figures. I collected about 5 of them last year when I was into drawing sexy women. Something I enjoyed and I thought was aesthetically pleasing, but which I would blush to show people I know IRL. I spent so much darn money on all of these creative hobbies (countless on art and gaming supplies for my YouTube channel), but ultimately I feel like I need to seriously reassess what it's doing for happiness and fulfillment.
TODAY I am going to really zone in on focusing on being precise and exact when it comes to completing all of my daily routines. This will be the biggest payoff.
Still, if at any point, I weaken, I reserve that I can come on here and post my thoughts until urges subside. This has been a huge outlet. Can't thank you enough for your help - especially squid!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Thanks for being supportive on my journal and this community in general!
It looks like you are doing good already and see benefits of abstinence, but maybe a little advice of mine would be to not have any high expectations on progress. While the initial progress after abstaining for a while is really fast, there will be stagnancy or even setbacks as you already experienced with your 60 days clean and getting bored with "normal" life as you said. Consistency is important, this community is incredibly helpful to stay aware and make it through hard times! All the best for you!
It looks like you are doing good already and see benefits of abstinence, but maybe a little advice of mine would be to not have any high expectations on progress. While the initial progress after abstaining for a while is really fast, there will be stagnancy or even setbacks as you already experienced with your 60 days clean and getting bored with "normal" life as you said. Consistency is important, this community is incredibly helpful to stay aware and make it through hard times! All the best for you!
achilles heel said:Thanks for being supportive on my journal and this community in general!
It looks like you are doing good already and see benefits of abstinence, but maybe a little advice of mine would be to not have any high expectations on progress. While the initial progress after abstaining for a while is really fast, there will be stagnancy or even setbacks as you already experienced with your 60 days clean and getting bored with "normal" life as you said. Consistency is important, this community is incredibly helpful to stay aware and make it through hard times! All the best for you!
Thanks man! Yeah, can definitely relate to that - almost running low on positives at times, it feels. Reality kicks in with things like rejection, job searches, lack of work-life balance, and it's hard to manage emotions. That's why this time, I'm big on keeping myself active on here. I don't think I even used a journal for my 60 days free, oddly enough. It's useful to read about others' victories and setbacks to help learn from them all. Feels like we're growing as a community of self-improvers. I've even noticed myself just barely start to slack off a little bit over these last couple days and grow complacent/bored. I think that preventing life from getting "boring" is going to require me to change to a lifestyle of constant renewal. Trying to picture what that looks like.
One thing I've done over the last couple days is to take up new things to further my commitment. I've given up music playlist song switching over the last 24 hours to help lengthen my attention span. My diet and exercise are vastly improved. I'm still working on really getting my routines down pat, but I'm learning more of what to expect from myself, harnessing my emotional energy, and still growing.
I'm going to need to start thinking of ways to keep revolutionizing the growth and really look deeply inward. Why did I get so sick of watching pornography? Wasn't there some other polar opposite that I wanted to be experiencing?
Right off the top of my head, the first thing that strikes me is that I'd much rather be doing the following things:
- Developing a larger, stronger network of friends and family and spending more time with the people I care about
- Exercising, eating right, and meeting my personal fitness goals
- Working on my personality, emotional intelligence, charisma, etc.
- Making a living doing something/things that is/are: (1) Sustainable (2) Lucrative (3) Helpful (4) Important/Notable (5) Enjoyable
- Learning and researching things that are important to me
- Developing my talents/arts/passions
- Saving money
- ...Moreso, I want to develop sustainable, balanced loops where I can pursue each one of these things pretty consistently. What good is a year socializing if you don't have a job and are anxious about it? What good is being obsessed with making money going to do you if you never see your family and friends anymore? See what I mean?
Jeez, I just realized my 7 priorities for the next year. Woo!
I think quitting PMO fits in at #3. These all kind of play upon one another, though. For example, finding your livelihood gives you stability to think about the other 6, or having enough savings gives you the freedom and headspace to think about all of the others.
I did something similar last year, and my life always seemed to be out of whack since I would polarize to one priority or another. But I'll strive for balance...And I think that this could work
13 days - We're nearing two weeks since I've quit PMO. Woo!
Good news:
Still Working on:
I still believe that the greatest allies are TIME and permanently changing the aspects of your life situation (be those relationships, finances, thought patterns, etc.) that initially led you to PMO in the first place.
Stay strong, and don't relapse, no matter what! I still need to treat myself with the same discipline as the first week - even the first few days, lest my guard drop and I run into a pitfall. I also need to be more careful when out running!
Good news:
- Better habit building has developed, but sort of plateaued - Life will certainly not be perfect after PMO, and as mentioned, it will take work to fight whatever demons I was trying to escape from, which were largely the reason I turned to PMO in the first place
- My inner dialogue has grown much more positive. I am more patient and far less socially awkward
- I made some moves to meet with friends, and we're still working on this front to keep pushing toward the life I want to be living. A few friends have noticed that I am opening back up and have reached out to me too!
- Greater emotional intelligence. I had an erection at one point in the day yesterday, I looked at it, and I thought to myself, almost involuntarily "I am aroused. This is my current emotional state." It was a huge breakthrough, because it shows that my thinking mind is exerting greater control over my impulsive mind. I honestly think that this is a massive area to reap benefits, and I'm going to keep researching emotional intelligence as things go on. I highly recommend the book by Daniel Goleman
- I no longer feel disgusting in my bed since I use it only for sleep and reading. My whole room feels much more energizing to be in since I moved things around and got rid of furniture, and it's filled only with things that inspire me.
Still Working on:
- Beating procrastination and preparing myself for my three week working contract, which will involve commuting again (though it's also a really amazing opportunity I'm super hyped to do (and nervous!! Though I am happy to be nervous and have a little stress test on my newly built habits. I welcome the challenge. While I know it will be hard and the anxiety and fear of failure will test me, I think I can reach new highs and grow more confident through this. In the back of my mind, there's a little voice saying, "Wouldn't it be wonderful to fail and realize that all of your anxiety was largely unfounded since it didn't cause you to hesitate or relapse?" A little bit, some failure would help me refocus the attention away from my job, and my performance as it appears to the rest of the world, and put more attention on my mental health. Why kill the golden goose to get more golden eggs?))
- Getting rid of P substitutes and uprooting the thought patterns that led me to rely upon PMO in the first place
- Preparing myself to sustain habits when I get back to work. My habits are still only half-consistent, and they could use some work and scheduling, tying them in to a greater sense of purpose and a larger, more sustainable years-long plan.
- Really being consistent and organized. I have been a bit scatterbrained with how I set reminders for myself, track data, and organize things. It's partly because I'm transitioning my surroundings to fit a healthier lifestyle (getting rid of expensive luxury items, etc.)
- Erection quality. This has been very slow, but I have really high expectations. As a youngster, I remember getting really excited just seeing a woman in a bikini in a magazine or something. Ideally, and for the reasons I mentioned at the start of the journal, I'd like to see the return of extreme sensitivity.
- Daily sense of renewal, being kinder to myself, and staying motivated and inspired with my sense of purpose, even when I'm mid-routine and the day seems to drag on. It sometimes helps me to listen to a song that inspired me to all this to begin with or watch a clip from Naruto where he meets his mother for the first time, or another one from Darling in the Franxx where 02 realizes that Hiro is the person from her past. These were just moments that really inspired me to act, and where I first felt love. I feel like it's not so bad as long as I watch once and focus more on the reflection and what it means to me in my own life, rather than fetishizing and replaying them over and over again. This might actually be a great help every now and then, come to think of it. A kind of short-term solution that works over a long term, used with caution.
- Insomnia. It's back a little bit, and it's partly related to how I sleep a lot one night, and then very little the next night. I'm going to try to establish more precise bedtime rituals and even bedtime thoughts. Maybe this is why prayer helped me as a young kid. I'll think of some thought steps.
I still believe that the greatest allies are TIME and permanently changing the aspects of your life situation (be those relationships, finances, thought patterns, etc.) that initially led you to PMO in the first place.
Stay strong, and don't relapse, no matter what! I still need to treat myself with the same discipline as the first week - even the first few days, lest my guard drop and I run into a pitfall. I also need to be more careful when out running!
squid said:
Good to hear it squid! Really highly recommend this one!
Just had another sort of breakthrough today. Partly from reading Emotional Intelligence. I realized that in my social life, because I was a bit outcasted in middle school (who wasn't, to be fair, haha), but I think I removed myself a bit too much and developed this little sense of superiority about myself while feeling inferior to others, I haven't been completely honest with myself while making friends, and I often defaulted to making friends I thought were lesser/weaker people since I didn't really feel like I deserved good friends. It was pretty self-reinforcing, but it eventually led me to choose the wrong girlfriends, and ultimately was self-defeating since I eventually kept outgrowing my friend groups, and feeling like people in them were holding me back somehow. This is pretty broad strokes and a foolish notion, but there's a kernel of truth in it: you need to confidently choose friends who challenge you, lest you stay trapped in a weak self-image.
Now that I'm out of school and I've been working a few years, I feel like many of the social dynamics are cast aside, and now the main thing left is just how social you are and how good you are at reaching out to people. At least, that's the situation I'm in right now. Sort of a social hormesis. I need to keep making myself a little bit uncomfortable and putting myself out in the open if I want to break out of my shell and start living the social life I feel like I deserve. One that would make me happy and probably be healthy for me.
To that end, I'm forcing myself to reach out to people in some way each day, even if it's just a simple "How have you been and how is your life?" Just the act of doing this is helping me break down inhibitions and limiting beliefs. That, and I'm thinking up new opportunities to meet new people in different contexts - local sports clubs, skateparks, recreational facilities, my upcoming job contract, etc. The world is opening up, and it's a great feeling when you start with cold calls.