24yo Journal

[Kraken]

Jeez, this was an incredibly useful breakthrough in my understanding. Rebooting must have more to do with changing thought patterns than I realized. I feel like Gary Wilson talking about becoming more altruistic and level-headed as you make your way through porn recovery was pretty accurate, though perhaps understated in its importance. Removing porn, masturbation, and orgasms (outside of real sex, for many) is only one aspect of quitting. A whole other part involves a the complete removal of artificial stimulation and thought patterns whereby you enjoy sexuality onanistically entirely. While I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted to simply remove porn and keep old masturbation habits without artificial stimulation, I couldn't honestly do that myself. Even before porn, I would fantasize during masturbation in pornographic ways (imagining pornographic sexual showmanship with another person). From today on, I now see and understand the need to cut out the following:

• Porn (obviously)
• Staring at images of women or even in real life, as it's voyeurism in a way
• Nude images - even if medical charts, etc. (anything can become a fetish)
• Fantasizing (not sure if my hunter gatherer ancestors did this one, but I doubt they had the luxury as much, and I'm guessing it was more often just the real thing)
• Anything related to body transformation/manipulation - I had regarded it as "motivation" before, but now I realize that life was getting dull and unrewarding, so it was a relapse I was only half-aware of, in a sense. Whenever I reboot, I go through a few phases: (1) Falling in love with someone, and then my brain fantasizes about that person, and it's usually not someone I'm even close enough with to honestly say I'm in love with them (2) The body manipulation/improvement stage - I think I'm going through this one right now. I think it's my brain saying "If I can't watch porn, then I have to make myself into a pornstar." I spend time "researching" the topic, which involves pornographic imagery necessarily, or substitutes for it. I think I'll still work on tugging, but to approach the mental attitudes that come along with it as playing with fire. I haven't realized just how much of my preferences and tendencies are still porn-related. I need to learn to trust my eyes a lot less.
• Edging (entirely)
• I daresay it might even be good to just block out images on your internet browser altogether. I'm thinking back to the hunter gatherers we're descended from. Any lad with an internet connection nowadays can see enough sexual exploits in an hour to beat out the full lifetime experiences of all of his ancestors combined. It makes me question this whole information overload, and if I can even handle all the imagery that's constantly being thrown at us and broadcasted. Just sitting in a room where my family was watching reality TV the other day started to make me mad. Granted, I need to work on managing my emotions, but maybe there's something to achilles's idea that constantly consuming media and entertainment will make us always feel inferior. I feel so much better taking a break from YouTube despite the fact that I could be making money from making videos right now - I absolutely hate the idea of keeping up with the trend and always constantly having to outdo yourself. It's exhausting and no human can keep up with it. I swear, so often I've found myself Googling celebrity ages when they made their accomplishments since I find myself wondering how much time I have left to make an equal impact on society. Maybe I need an even greater unplugging from technology and internet access and access to constant novelty than I realized. While the internet's explosion of information has made it easier than ever to find any information, it turns out that behavior and habits have a lot more to do with our happiness and sense of fulfillment.

What's crazy to me is that I don't even know if I can trust myself and all those misguided beliefs. I feel so much more peace not having listened to any modern music - or music services at all, for the lack of the constant advertisement bombardments and my increasing dissatisfaction for needing to change songs constantly. Right now I'm trying to get rid of all the useless electronics, gaming systems, and creative equipment I bought in the last year I considered investments in film, art, and production in my YouTube channel because I was completely misguided from stress as I described in previous posts. Sure, I feel silly since I wasted so much, but having to go through all of the incredible amount of red tape and eBay promotion to rid myself of all these worthless possessions is just desserts and a lesson learned for how stupid I've been. I'll still see it in a positive light, though. The understanding and peace I'm beginning to experience now that I'm closer to feeling like my behavior and values are coming closer to full alignment is immense. Maybe that's just the secret - following through on your values despite the fact that something else seems to hold some seductive secret of pleasure. This is definitely true in my experience with working with people. A lot of unhappy people are unable to behave in the way they know it would be wisest to behave.

I think you guys are right about getting out of my comfort zone and just out in building more real world face-to-face relationships. I'm frustrated because my town's recreational sports league is closed to new entrants, though I need to do my best to find low-pressure ways of getting out there more. I'm hesitant to join much or go out so much since it can get expensive or required long travel times to meet people, though perhaps it's worth the investment. I want to buy a pass to my local rec center to use the pool for starters. Maybe I'll follow up on that soon. Hopefully I can manage all this while holding down a job. Either way, I get out a lot already to exercise, though I'm so often alone outdoors. It will take some brainstorming and cold calls on people I haven't seen in awhile, haha.

That's all my thoughts for now. My apologies for the frequent posts, as I hate to overdo it on posting, but it's just the rate at which I feel like my mind needs emptying, and I'm glad to have it all written down in one place to read one day, so that it can be built into a greater narrative of self-understanding and a journey of growth. Stay strong!

Keep posting, post as much as you want, we are with you!  Achilles is right, these insecurity feelings are made worse by our consumer economy.  12 players on the field, 20,000 in the stands and millions staring at a screen of it.  Here's one of my favorite quotes "It better to be in the arena - getting stomped by the bull - than it is to be in the stands or out in the parking lot."

 

[BlueHeronFan]

From today on, I now see and understand the need to cut out the following:

• Porn (obviously)
• Staring at images of women or even in real life, as it's voyeurism in a way
• Nude images - even if medical charts, etc. (anything can become a fetish)
• Fantasizing (not sure if my hunter gatherer ancestors did this one, but I doubt they had the luxury as much, and I'm guessing it was more often just the real thing)
• Anything related to body transformation/manipulation - I had regarded it as "motivation" before, but now I realize that life was getting dull and unrewarding, so it was a relapse I was only half-aware of, in a sense. Whenever I reboot, I go through a few phases: (1) Falling in love with someone, and then my brain fantasizes about that person, and it's usually not someone I'm even close enough with to honestly say I'm in love with them (2) The body manipulation/improvement stage - I think I'm going through this one right now. I think it's my brain saying "If I can't watch porn, then I have to make myself into a pornstar." I spend time "researching" the topic, which involves pornographic imagery necessarily, or substitutes for it. I think I'll still work on tugging, but to approach the mental attitudes that come along with it as playing with fire. I haven't realized just how much of my preferences and tendencies are still porn-related. I need to learn to trust my eyes a lot less.
• Edging (entirely)
• I daresay it might even be good to just block out images on your internet browser altogether. I'm thinking back to the hunter gatherers we're descended from. Any lad with an internet connection nowadays can see enough sexual exploits in an hour to beat out the full lifetime experiences of all of his ancestors combined. It makes me question this whole information overload, and if I can even handle all the imagery that's constantly being thrown at us and broadcasted. Just sitting in a room where my family was watching reality TV the other day started to make me mad. Granted, I need to work on managing my emotions, but maybe there's something to achilles's idea that constantly consuming media and entertainment will make us always feel inferior. I feel so much better taking a break from YouTube despite the fact that I could be making money from making videos right now - I absolutely hate the idea of keeping up with the trend and always constantly having to outdo yourself. It's exhausting and no human can keep up with it. I swear, so often I've found myself Googling celebrity ages when they made their accomplishments since I find myself wondering how much time I have left to make an equal impact on society. Maybe I need an even greater unplugging from technology and internet access and access to constant novelty than I realized. While the internet's explosion of information has made it easier than ever to find any information, it turns out that behavior and habits have a lot more to do with our happiness and sense of fulfillment.

This is a great list and an awesome realization! It has been huge for me to realize that PMO is only a symptom of a deeper disease. When I was at my worst (PMO multiple times a day) I used to think that PMO was my only problem and that I was a perfect person otherwise.

Oh boy, was that ever wrong. One of the slightly uncomfortable but also awesome parts of this recovery process has been discovering all the things that have been wrong with me for a long time. PMO was not my only flaw (obvious now), and getting PMO out of the way a little has helped me to see all the other ways that I can improve myself and the quality of my life.

Really, my recovery process has come to mean changing my whole life for the better instead of just quitting PMO. It's really about getting to the roots instead of just hacking away at the branches.

Keep it up and keep it going!

 

[rob24]

Thanks squid, thanks Heron. Good calls here too. I'm coming to realize that it's not the forum, but the internet I need rebooting from. Always good to have a lifeline. And as per the list above, it's definitely a start, but it has me drawing the line at fantasies to begin with. Whereas I used to entertain and even welcome them since they weren't actual pornography, and only thoughts, I thought they were harmless or made little difference in rebooting. It actually takes conscious effort to change your thoughts though. Still, managing fantasies is great in taking back cognitive control.

18 Days - I'm a little strung out, having slept very little for nerves and excitement since I go back to work teaching today. I am excited, nervous, scared, a little hopeful, and worried since I'm realizing that so many of my job woes from previously were just related to the extreme commute I deal with. It's only a three week position, but I'm starting to realize that a better, more sustainable lifestyle is going to need to entail me moving or losing my commute if possible. These next few months after I finish this contract will be for me to decide on a set of living conditions to help nourish a better, more sustainable sort of lifestyle.

Time to get in some sleep before I arrive at school. Just three hours today to go over everything and get my classes set up and make a good first impression! I really want to like this position, so I hope it goes well and they laugh at my jokes!

 

[Lero]

I hope things will go well, man.

 

[Kraken]

Hope it's a great school day!

 

[rob24]

Thanks Lero and Squid! It was an outstandingly good day at school teaching today. The students were so highly motivated and I could relate to them so quickly. I was just acting like myself and trying not to let my fear of failure or being judged for my teaching get in the way of really getting to know my new students. I learned almost everyone's name and had them down pretty well by the end. It's a little hard to relate to students while teaching math at times, but I have an unusual personality which resonates with kindred spirits. I'm still working on being more inclusive, and I go hard on myself for not always being the best at my fundamental teaching strategies (building ratio, getting 100% participation, etc.). Still, I feel like my main struggle is going to come with instruction. My previous job involved a lot more babysitting/settling disputes/etc. While it offered excellent fundamentals, I also am aware of the fast that I could always do better.

Here are the pros:

• Outstandingly motivated, smart students I can relate to, want to relate to, and relate to fairly easily
• School resources and support are amazing
• The students truly care about attention to detail, and there were many things I swept under in my previous job since it was almost impossible to be a perfectionist and survive
• Just an indescribably strong culture this school has built

I'm aware that I might be biased because it's only day one, but there's only a little time to do my work here anyway. Still, there's a lot of work cut out for me since I can focus so much more on instruction, but it's work I'm incredibly happy to do. Still, I am able to dissociate certain feelings I had from my previous job since I realize that the commute was such a major aspect (2 hours one way) that I still experience here.

I've never felt so propelled to get really down to working hard in a long time. Still, I realize that I'm incredibly sensitive whenever others observe my class (it used to be cripplingly so, since administration would enter and discipline students when I had blundered/missed something of a student), and I'm aware of my feelings surrounding that. I tend to go easier on myself now for this reason.

I'm also fortunate I got to figure out my technology woes after class. The students were patient though, and they're more cohesive than I'm used to, with students bickering with one another. I hate to be judgmental, and all of those are teachable moments, though it's only human to tire of teaching young kids for a really long time I started to feel. I don't regret the experience, and it raised my stamina and patience and self-awareness, but perhaps it's time to move on.

I still hope to take it slow. I can keep up with my emotional life and not get overwhelmed, I can work hard at my post teaching, I can work on exercising and all the other priorities I set out for myself, too.

More positives:

It's been a while since I've seen so many people commuting. I'm definitely growing more sensitive to feeling attracted to women. I'm getting excited without needing so much stimulation like porn was providing. Kind of an overall sign of reboot, and a good sign I'm partly healed.

I managed to relate to my students with some pop culture references and shared hobbies today. It gets harder as you get older-even by a little bit, so this was a victory. Teaching is hard--you're "on-stage" for many many hours a day, and it's taxing work! It just gives me confidence, since good teachers are able to relate to almost anybody. It also puts all your flaws on display, which was extremely humiliating and frustrating when I first started to teach two years ago. But you learn to incorporate your flaws and you get more comfortable with communicating about who you are and how to improve.

I feel hope for the future and finding a job I will enjoy better since I came so much closer than I've ever felt to enjoying teaching today. It's still a fear/pain/embarrassment at times, but I'm growing more self-confident, even in my blunders, and good faith that I have positive intentions and a growth mindset makes me trust myself more. Who knows, maybe I have the makings of a great teacher, but it will just take a longer time to grow and develop than it did for some of my old co teachers? I genuinely felt like a lot of kids enjoyed our class today, which means more to me than any instructional methods, to be honest. More than anything, the best, most memorable teachers rubbed off their character on me. Information runs away. Feelings are more permanent, especially if they're good ones (bleh, I can't express this in words). Still, I need to challenge these kids, and I've got a LOT of work in front of me to that end!

Overall, I have a lot more confidence that I can be a person of the world and live and grow to greater maturity. I can keep up my habits, stay centered and aware, and ultimately grow better! I've got work to do now, so wish me luck!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Whereas I used to entertain and even welcome them since they weren't actual pornography, and only thoughts, I thought they were harmless or made little difference in rebooting. It actually takes conscious effort to change your thoughts though. Still, managing fantasies is great in taking back cognitive control.

These next few months after I finish this contract will be for me to decide on a set of living conditions to help nourish a better, more sustainable sort of lifestyle.

Great insight on fantasies. I spent so much time thinking thoughts were just thoughts and that they were okay as long as i didn't act on them. But you can only fantasize for so long before you feel compelled to act on it. Way to be for cutting it out.

And it's also awesome that you're making plans to find a more sustainable lifestyle. For years, my recovery has been about being hard on myself and beating myself up when I lapsed. Lately, though, I have started to realize that my addiction was an effort by my brain/body to take care of me when I was in pain. Thinking about my addicted self as a person in pain rather than as a morally bankrupt loser with no self-control has radically changed my approach to urges, thoughts, and life in general. It's definitely more about taking better care of myself than about "fixing" myself. I think taking some time to figure out what works for you is time well spent.

Way to go on a great day in the classroom too!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks Lero and Squid! It was an outstandingly good day at school teaching today. The students were so highly motivated and I could relate to them so quickly. I was just acting like myself and trying not to let my fear of failure or being judged for my teaching get in the way of really getting to know my new students. I learned almost everyone's name and had them down pretty well by the end. It's a little hard to relate to students while teaching math at times, but I have an unusual personality which resonates with kindred spirits. I'm still working on being more inclusive, and I go hard on myself for not always being the best at my fundamental teaching strategies (building ratio, getting 100% participation, etc.). Still, I feel like my main struggle is going to come with instruction. My previous job involved a lot more babysitting/settling disputes/etc. While it offered excellent fundamentals, I also am aware of the fast that I could always do better.

Here are the pros:

• Outstandingly motivated, smart students I can relate to, want to relate to, and relate to fairly easily
• School resources and support are amazing
• The students truly care about attention to detail, and there were many things I swept under in my previous job since it was almost impossible to be a perfectionist and survive
• Just an indescribably strong culture this school has built

I'm aware that I might be biased because it's only day one, but there's only a little time to do my work here anyway. Still, there's a lot of work cut out for me since I can focus so much more on instruction, but it's work I'm incredibly happy to do. Still, I am able to dissociate certain feelings I had from my previous job since I realize that the commute was such a major aspect (2 hours one way) that I still experience here.

I've never felt so propelled to get really down to working hard in a long time. Still, I realize that I'm incredibly sensitive whenever others observe my class (it used to be cripplingly so, since administration would enter and discipline students when I had blundered/missed something of a student), and I'm aware of my feelings surrounding that. I tend to go easier on myself now for this reason.

I'm also fortunate I got to figure out my technology woes after class. The students were patient though, and they're more cohesive than I'm used to, with students bickering with one another. I hate to be judgmental, and all of those are teachable moments, though it's only human to tire of teaching young kids for a really long time I started to feel. I don't regret the experience, and it raised my stamina and patience and self-awareness, but perhaps it's time to move on.

I still hope to take it slow. I can keep up with my emotional life and not get overwhelmed, I can work hard at my post teaching, I can work on exercising and all the other priorities I set out for myself, too.

More positives:

It's been a while since I've seen so many people commuting. I'm definitely growing more sensitive to feeling attracted to women. I'm getting excited without needing so much stimulation like porn was providing. Kind of an overall sign of reboot, and a good sign I'm partly healed.

I managed to relate to my students with some pop culture references and shared hobbies today. It gets harder as you get older-even by a little bit, so this was a victory. Teaching is hard--you're "on-stage" for many many hours a day, and it's taxing work! It just gives me confidence, since good teachers are able to relate to almost anybody. It also puts all your flaws on display, which was extremely humiliating and frustrating when I first started to teach two years ago. But you learn to incorporate your flaws and you get more comfortable with communicating about who you are and how to improve.

I feel hope for the future and finding a job I will enjoy better since I came so much closer than I've ever felt to enjoying teaching today. It's still a fear/pain/embarrassment at times, but I'm growing more self-confident, even in my blunders, and good faith that I have positive intentions and a growth mindset makes me trust myself more. Who knows, maybe I have the makings of a great teacher, but it will just take a longer time to grow and develop than it did for some of my old co teachers? I genuinely felt like a lot of kids enjoyed our class today, which means more to me than any instructional methods, to be honest. More than anything, the best, most memorable teachers rubbed off their character on me. Information runs away. Feelings are more permanent, especially if they're good ones (bleh, I can't express this in words). Still, I need to challenge these kids, and I've got a LOT of work in front of me to that end!

Overall, I have a lot more confidence that I can be a person of the world and live and grow to greater maturity. I can keep up my habits, stay centered and aware, and ultimately grow better! I've got work to do now, so wish me luck!

Sounds like a great day!  The kids are lucky to have such a well reasoned, driven, and inspiring teacher like yourself!

 

[Do or die]

rob thanks for your motivation. i am at day2 today

 

[rob24]

Thanks guys - Heron, squid, Do or Die. Good luck to you guys. Wish I could be more helpful, just realized my emotions are a little overwhelming last night as I lay in bed. I realized how unprepared I feel about everything, and I've already largely lost sense of my priorities in the storm of the first day. Even though it went really well, I woke up with horrible anxiety, and it was just that I was feeling this one emotion with such great intensity, and I was even upset with myself for feeling this way. I even wrote out a list of all the things on my mind that were troubling me - mostly either things I haven't fully prepared and I'm down to the last minute on, things that slipped through or are slipping through the cracks, and time that I didn't have to spend on some of my priorities, like exercise.

I fantasized again, somewhat willingly last night, and I looked at subs. It's like I'm going through these ghost chains or miniature relapses. I shopped online for a tanning thong, something I've always been to scared to wear at the beach, and which has fueled my insecurities. It led to a whole session of clicking through amazon at model pictures. While I'm not against entertaining the idea of such a purchase, I realize that it's my addictive mind looking for a fix. I also looked at more foreskin restoration stuff.

I need to remember that a lot of this is illusory anxiety, and to a great extent it's my addictive mind playing tricks on me now that a new possibel source of anxiety has entered my life. A previous supervisor once told me that I seemed incredibly prepared for work, which I always had anxiety about, but I just needed to add more confidence to do the trick. Slowing down to write out this post helps me clear my head. And making that list of things on my mind is a great start! I think I'll go through that list today. I'm ready for this day, which is great, and now I'll just roll with the punches, take it one thing at a time, be proactive and remember that I can just do my best in every moment  (and not pressure myself to do any more than that!).

If I start to get overwhelmed, I will make sure I'm prepared for work above all because people depend upon me, then I will revisit my priorities on the weekend, and I will prioritize my emotional life here in these posts as I have between days of work yesterday and today. I can also do better by avoiding all the normal forms of subs I said I need to look out for. They are not destressors. Posting here or eating or any alternative is better to "porn lite." Wish me luck! And stay strong everyone!

 

[Kraken]

Thanks guys - Heron, squid, Do or Die. Good luck to you guys. Wish I could be more helpful, just realized my emotions are a little overwhelming last night as I lay in bed. I realized how unprepared I feel about everything, and I've already largely lost sense of my priorities in the storm of the first day. Even though it went really well, I woke up with horrible anxiety, and it was just that I was feeling this one emotion with such great intensity, and I was even upset with myself for feeling this way. I even wrote out a list of all the things on my mind that were troubling me - mostly either things I haven't fully prepared and I'm down to the last minute on, things that slipped through or are slipping through the cracks, and time that I didn't have to spend on some of my priorities, like exercise.

I fantasized again, somewhat willingly last night, and I looked at subs. It's like I'm going through these ghost chains or miniature relapses. I shopped online for a tanning thong, something I've always been to scared to wear at the beach, and which has fueled my insecurities. It led to a whole session of clicking through amazon at model pictures. While I'm not against entertaining the idea of such a purchase, I realize that it's my addictive mind looking for a fix. I also looked at more foreskin restoration stuff.

I need to remember that a lot of this is illusory anxiety, and to a great extent it's my addictive mind playing tricks on me now that a new possibel source of anxiety has entered my life. A previous supervisor once told me that I seemed incredibly prepared for work, which I always had anxiety about, but I just needed to add more confidence to do the trick. Slowing down to write out this post helps me clear my head. And making that list of things on my mind is a great start! I think I'll go through that list today. I'm ready for this day, which is great, and now I'll just roll with the punches, take it one thing at a time, be proactive and remember that I can just do my best in every moment  (and not pressure myself to do any more than that!).

If I start to get overwhelmed, I will make sure I'm prepared for work above all because people depend upon me, then I will revisit my priorities on the weekend, and I will prioritize my emotional life here in these posts as I have between days of work yesterday and today. I can also do better by avoiding all the normal forms of subs I said I need to look out for. They are not destressors. Posting here or eating or any alternative is better to "porn lite." Wish me luck! And stay strong everyone!

Stay strong friend.  It was your first day, it takes three months at a new job to start to feel comfortable and up to a year before going full speed.  You're doing great just be patient and stay away from the subs and edging and all that stuff.  Focus on the goal and how great these good habits make you feel

 

[rob24]

Thanks guys - Heron, squid, Do or Die. Good luck to you guys. Wish I could be more helpful, just realized my emotions are a little overwhelming last night as I lay in bed. I realized how unprepared I feel about everything, and I've already largely lost sense of my priorities in the storm of the first day. Even though it went really well, I woke up with horrible anxiety, and it was just that I was feeling this one emotion with such great intensity, and I was even upset with myself for feeling this way. I even wrote out a list of all the things on my mind that were troubling me - mostly either things I haven't fully prepared and I'm down to the last minute on, things that slipped through or are slipping through the cracks, and time that I didn't have to spend on some of my priorities, like exercise.

I fantasized again, somewhat willingly last night, and I looked at subs. It's like I'm going through these ghost chains or miniature relapses. I shopped online for a tanning thong, something I've always been to scared to wear at the beach, and which has fueled my insecurities. It led to a whole session of clicking through amazon at model pictures. While I'm not against entertaining the idea of such a purchase, I realize that it's my addictive mind looking for a fix. I also looked at more foreskin restoration stuff.

I need to remember that a lot of this is illusory anxiety, and to a great extent it's my addictive mind playing tricks on me now that a new possibel source of anxiety has entered my life. A previous supervisor once told me that I seemed incredibly prepared for work, which I always had anxiety about, but I just needed to add more confidence to do the trick. Slowing down to write out this post helps me clear my head. And making that list of things on my mind is a great start! I think I'll go through that list today. I'm ready for this day, which is great, and now I'll just roll with the punches, take it one thing at a time, be proactive and remember that I can just do my best in every moment  (and not pressure myself to do any more than that!).

If I start to get overwhelmed, I will make sure I'm prepared for work above all because people depend upon me, then I will revisit my priorities on the weekend, and I will prioritize my emotional life here in these posts as I have between days of work yesterday and today. I can also do better by avoiding all the normal forms of subs I said I need to look out for. They are not destressors. Posting here or eating or any alternative is better to "porn lite." Wish me luck! And stay strong everyone!

Stay strong friend.  It was your first day, it takes three months at a new job to start to feel comfortable and up to a year before going full speed.  You're doing great just be patient and stay away from the subs and edging and all that stuff.  Focus on the goal and how great these good habits make you feel

Thanks squid. I can hardly comprehend why I was so incredibly anxious this morning. Maybe it's just that I need more time to adjust to my expectations. Making a list of every single thing on my mind this morning was a great idea to help calm nerves. Lots more work to do today, as it's a far more intellectually demanding, but less physically/stressfully/emotionally/socially demanding job.

It's crazy how when you take a job it feels like you put everything else in life on hold and are just earning money at times. I wish I could interlace more of my other interests with my livelihood. Maybe it's just about finding the right living situation. My eBay buyers have been at me to send things through. Just wish I had never bought much of this stuff in the first place tbh. Nonetheless, I'm not really stressed since I don't care about growth on the platform much. My whole exercise and diet got thrown out of whack again after about 2 days. Very frustrating. I guess it's going to just be about finding a solid, stable set of habits and routines along with work to work on self care.

Going back to my list from this morning to clear some headspace, then I'll be back to my priorities. Thanks for the kind words, and stay well!

 

[Kraken]

When I got my new job in February every other goal had to be put on hold for 4 months while I got settled.  Now I am able to do both but I couldn't at first with the long commute, looking for a apartment, a new roommate etc etc.  Focus on your job, the other stuff will be there in a few months once you get settled. 

 

[BlueHeronFan]

My whole exercise and diet got thrown out of whack again after about 2 days. Very frustrating. I guess it's going to just be about finding a solid, stable set of habits and routines along with work to work on self care.

This is a big realization that will help with anything, I think. My approach to recovery used to be just focusing on doing some things for a short time that would fix me so I could "go back" to a "normal" life, but I have realized now that there is no "going back." Instead, I have realized that I am making permanent lifestyle changes, things that I can really sustain over the long term, to keep me safe from PMO for a long time. And it's the same thing nutrition and exercise: instead of just trying to do something for a few months to lose weight, I have really tried to make permanent, sustainable changes to the way I deal with food and my body. If we really want to change, we have to find things that we can realistically do for maybe the rest of our lives. (And there's no shame in taking some time to figure it out)

It's crazy how when you take a job it feels like you put everything else in life on hold and are just earning money at times. I wish I could interlace more of my other interests with my livelihood.

I hear you on this one! I'm studying and teaching right now. Even though it seems like it would be exactly what I want to do, I still feel like I'm putting my life on hold sometimes just for money (or the promise of money when I get a real job). If you figure out a good way to interlace your interests with your work, I'm all ears!

 

[rob24]

Thanks guys. Yeah, just making small, sustainable adjustments as you start a new job is hard enough. It's awesome when you keep up any habit, no matter how small, over months, if not years to come. This is a huge priority for me.

20 days since my last PMO

Looked at some subs again last night, but I'm controlling my fantasies just a little bit more. It's nice not to be constantly plagued by these graphic sexual thoughts as constantly throughout the day anymore, and that's slightly less distracting when trying to speak, live, and work often around strangers. I can work on this by not allowing myself to fantasize, continuing thinking through my emotions and priorities and clearing my headspace, and not looking up subs, but stopping to think through my reasoning before I do so. I think, although it doesn't excite me, I need to give up thinking about my own body so much if I want my brain behavior to reset. Although I'm really excited by the idea of changing myself physically, I think it uses a lot of the same pathways that I'm trying to change.

Well, it's off to sleep for a moment before I get to work now, then lots to do there. I'm a little overwhelmed, but processing everything in a mature, organized way. Stay well!

 

[Lero]

That's right, man. It made a big difference for me when I stopped as early as the craving started because this is how it begins. The craving for P manifests itself and then the next thing you are pushed to do is to search for material to look at. Eventually you notice when everything starts. This mindset has helped me make it to 10 "perfect" days (probably for the first time in my life). The craving started but I stopped to think and said: "No, I will not look at anything because this feeds the craving!" I know everything that I want to search for when the craving starts so I made an effort to really stay away from everything. There is no other way. When you starve the pathway, it eventually "forgets" about P. Of course, it will still be hidden somewhere deep inside there, but it will stop being that violent and torturing as it is for a while.

 

[rob24]

End of Day 20:

Thanks Lero. Yeah, it honestly feels like quitting PMO is just one thing, and it's almost like erasing something you wrote, but it leaves a lot of residue, and going totally " pure" helps create a blank slate again faster so to speak. Though I'm honestly amazed at how much progress I've made still. It's almost like just walking around and seeing attractive women arouses me now way more than before. I honestly feel like the number of things that arouse me has increased like tenfold. A huge improvement. The danger lies in letting those thoughts run amok and take a life of their own, which turns them into fetishes, etc. I guess I'm in a social beehive every day now commuting again, but I'm glad this has happened. I just need to start replacing those thoughts with real world actions..

My job is awesome. I've never had this problem before. This new group of students I teach are so incredibly talented, motivated learner's, and so kind and respectful too, that I can't possibly challenge them with much of the coursework outlined for me by a colleague. I get worried because some students zone out, though I know from their homeworks that they completely understand some of the topics. It's frustrating, but I've told my students all about my predicament and tried to enlist their help so that I can help enrich them better. I try to be transparent and communicative with my students, so I just went through with them to find out what topics they've studied, and I just might end up steering the ship into more experimental waters to really challenge them. I genuinely care so much that I got angry about how the topics weren't challenging them. Each day though, I've improved slightly in my understanding of their need to be challenged. It almost feels disrespectful not to challenge these students and just go with the curriculum lain out before me, because some of them are so far beyond and advanced in their studies that I would have to learn tons of new math to teach them. Argh! The day is tiring and I'm bewildered each night. I'm tempted to keep it simple and stupid, just teaching skills, but I think I have to completely change my approach to teaching for these students. They can handle being thrown into the deep end of the pool and learning to swim. In fact, I think it excites them! I just need to make sure I'm providing feedback as a facilitator of their learning. I'm most wary of my fear of being judged by superior colleagues. I really love this opportunity and I'm a bit selfish about it. I desperately want to teach these kids, but I get discouraged when I get caught up in the details. I can't expand my curriculum at night for bewilderment and fear of failure. Hmm, but maybe I need to experiment. I did, after all, tell my supervisor that I still have a lot of struggles with teaching, and I'm really trying to learn, which is true, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I can manage my frustration and channel it into productive experimentation in my lessons and teaching so that I can push each kid's potential. I don't need to be self-conscious about my work since I'm doing it with everyone's best interests in mind. I can keep trying new things to help prepare them for the future and help them grow. I don't have to hide behind appearances or try to make it look like it comes easily to me. And my colleagues want the best for me, and they want to help me and see me grow and improve too. And so do the students, whether or not they know it.

Okay. Plan. Plan. Make a list. Look for feedback. Get data. Reassess. I'll keep at it with my students and in the rest of my life if it takes me til the last day!

 

[Kraken]

You sound very passionate!  I'll tell you what I told my younger co-worker yesterday.  You cannot do everything at once, you just started, take time for yourself and don't burn out.  And remember while you are ramping up, the organization did just find before you started and that person probably didn't do a whole lot.

 

[rob24]

You sound very passionate!  I'll tell you what I told my younger co-worker yesterday.  You cannot do everything at once, you just started, take time for yourself and don't burn out.  And remember while you are ramping up, the organization did just find before you started and that person probably didn't do a whole lot.

21 Days - no subs last night, no fantasizing. I haven't thought much about my emotions though lately. There could be a lot of underground activity I'm not registering, getting caught up in everything. I haven't reached out socially to any friends either, but I enjoy socializing with my students, and I find that I can relate to this age group much more easily than I could to my previous students, which is a good impression.

Thanks squid! That's a good point to be fair. I'm wary of how I start out at work since I burned myself out within about 3 months in my last position. The current assignment lasts for 3 weeks, so my first efforts have been at making a good impression and giving my students the complete understanding that I care about their growth 100%. Now it's time to up the rigor, stay focused on course objectives, and have some fun with it if I'm able. My boss keeps telling me "Have fun!" whenever I go up to my classroom. Haha, maybe I'm stressing too much over a good thing.

While I'm not happy about missing exercise and running, etc., I've put enough bookmarks in my schedule so that I can save much of it for the weekend. Anyway, I'm off to make clearer models with more clear instruction, and try to push the rigor, or at the very least, think of a few enriching topics to cover with these students if I absolutely cannot assess them on concepts. Have a great day everyone! I'll try to catch up after this week!

 

[rob24]

End of day checkup: work went really well today. I'm greatly enjoying this position and the challenges that come with it. It's making me far more positive about future job/career decisions.

I'm feeling confident, a bit oblivious, happy, and a bit behind. I need to catch up with some life routines/priorities, but it's okay since I feel like my teaching is more under control and I'm doing a better job engaging my students, if only by a little bit, and I feel their confidence in me growing slightly. I had a good first week with a good impression, a little challenge where I had to learn, a little endurance, and now a good end. And I have more perspective for a good conversation with some other teacher colleagues at lunch, talking to my students a lot, talking with my father, the other teacher in my family, and reflecting and thinking, and working hard to get everything together. I'm still not perfect, but I think I can focus a lot more on being positive than on being critical, as that comes more naturally to me.

As for the oblivious and behind parts of my feelings, I think I'm feeling them because I gave up on some routines to do a better job teaching. I'm happy with what I did, though, and it was overall a good decision. How can I make next week better? 1) Get completely prepared for next week as soon as possible, and try to do some backwards planning. 2) Continue much as I have this week with my work with students. 3) Prepare for the week's unpredictability by working hard over the weekend to complete all my routines, etc. before the week even begins. Double up on things, etc. Give myself extra t?me. Putting in just a little bit more effort in teaching in particular makes every minute count more and more up to a certain point.