24yo Journal

[rob24]

22 days

Feelings today:
Tired, slightly anxious/nervous, satisfied, anticipatory

Some slight edging/other weird stuff I tried last night, though it's growing less exciting. I'll explain more when I have time to put words to it, hopefully this weekend.

It's Friday after a week full of excitement, challenge, and accomplishment. Yesterday went so well I almost wish THAT was Friday, but there's one more day to go. I want to keep giving good instruction, and I started to see some areas where my students can grow yesterday. Now I need to slow down and concentrate on providing good fundamental instruction, which is what I am trained to do, and make sure that I take good care of myself so that I can deliver it. Some of the best advice I read in 12 Rules for Life (still working on this one!) was that the best way to treat yourself is as if you were someone else who was assigned to take care of you. Let it be that today. Good luck out there!

 

[Lero]

Things are moving, man.

 

[Kraken]

22 days is good dude!  Stay away from edging, you're doing so well.

 

[rob24]

Thanks squid, thanks Lero! Grateful for you guys and your encouragement and ideas!

23 days - Had a great run last night after a week full of new relationships, job work, and challenges.

I'm feeling renewed, exhausted, and almost like I've leveled up, somehow. I went for a 2-mile walk and a 9-mile run yesterday night. It was incredible. In the back of my mind, one reason I run so much is just so that I can meet more of the people in my town and get closer to them. I feel so distant. I still feel like I have a chip on my shoulder and all this pent up nerd rage for all my insecurities above, but I think that there has been a little subconscious shift in the last week or so. I don't think as many angry thoughts, and my disgusting sexual thoughts about people I was thinking when people were near me (just passing by on the street) are getting replaced by less disgusting sexual thoughts. I guess that's progress, haha! I desperately want to have sex and my thoughts are more about people than they are about genital penetration (see what I mean?). There's still a lot of progress to be made, but I think we're getting somewhere. Earlier on in my reboot I had had a dream about sex from a voyeuristic point of view. Last night I had a dream I was in bed with a friend I was very attracted to in college. It's a slight sign of growing confidence/switch back to a more personal view of sex. Still, I don't want to be the type of person who is constantly thinking about sex, and here's my next struggle:

I keep having this vision of myself as some sort of sex god/male stripper type figure, and I didn't have time this week to analyze it, but I think it's another form of fantasizing I'm going to need to give up. Instead of thinking so much about porn, I've now turned my thoughts to BEING the porn. I'm fascinated with the idea of changing your body to make it transform and look more beautiful somehow. I've done this a little bit with things like tanning, running, and working out, which have given me a healthy glow, made me a bit leaner, and a bit more muscular. But I've also entertained the idea of changing my dick and gone onto amazon, looking for penile sounding equipment because somehow I think that inserting things into my urethra will make it grow and make me more beautiful. I've spent a few hours in the last week looking at sex toys on amazon, a few of which have had these weird mannequins with sex toys on them, etc. etc. And part of my mind considers this "research" to improve myself and become a more attractive person so I can make all these sexual thoughts into reality by attracting real life women I'm already attracted to (this is what progress looks like, I suppose - going through different neuroses/quirks until you eventually clear the forest and it's clear again).

Other than tugging, I think this is something I should NOT entertain, mainly because of the danger/discomfort, and all just the fact that I don't care about it enough to go through with it. In addition, it's making me think about how useful our conversations on this website have been, and how I am realizing the need to completely eliminate all artificial sexual stimulation and fantasizing altogether if I really want to rewire my brain. I had, up until this point, been feeling like not fantasizing was "uncool" or "no fun" since I never thought about sex at all, but I'm beginning to realize that I think it's completely fine to pursue many of the things I've outlined (getting fit, working on your body/personality/etc.) as long as they don't become things that you're obsessed with in thought. I want to be able to have normal, healthy relationships and thoughts, and not feel like I'm some impostor with some sexual deviant lurking inside of me.

While I'm not recognizing my actions this week as a true relapse, as I avoided the urge to masturbate traditionally, aiming at orgasm, etc., I've made a not of when each of these behaviors took place. But they represent me realizing, to a great extent, that true rewiring will require me to stop the following behaviors: (1) fantasizing, (2) looking up subs altogether, and that subs do not just include women, but also sexualized items, such as sex toys and above all, looking things up online, since it combines this novelty of clicking from things to things. This included sexy men's and women's bodies. (3) I swear, I kept getting turned on by women's hands and feet when I saw them this week. I need to stop ogling people and distracting myself like that. And it's summer, so everything is out on people (4) envisioning myself or others as some sort of sex machine(s). (5) Mirrors -this is a weird one, but I found myself staring at my naked self in the mirror or even just at my dick because it's what my brain is missing - seeing genitals.

I'm not cured, but I'm a lot better and a lot smarter than I was at the beginning of this reboot. While I'm not resetting my timer since nothing has been all out, or full blown, I fully recognize that these behaviors have slowed my reboot, but that they were necessary to help treat and manage my neuroses. I also recognize that I need to manage and recognize my emotions more since this week became very claustrophobic with time, and I learned a lot about teaching by dedicating almost all of my time to thinking about engaging and challenging my students this week.

Next week, I can improve by working to cut out those five behaviors listed above, and I can keep dedicating my time to my students, but also keep track of my emotions, go easy on myself if I miss routines like working out, trying to make sure I at least get in a little social contact to keep in touch with people, and focusing on real life tasks and areas for growth to keep on growing my self-confidence and work a little bit more toward changing my reality to feel less hopeless, and giving those neuroses fewer opportunities to come back into my life. But overall, my self-control and ability to use your guys' help and good energy and dedication to recognize these improvements and growth areas is a huge improvement, and one that's probably more valuable than running faster, gaining muscle weight, etc. So here are some areas I'll work on:

1) Working out regularly again
2) Sleeping more
3) Making my class time engaging and more structured to ensure there is no long-term burnout over the next two weeks. I need to plan and be a bit more prepared with backwards planning. (I am not there to entertain my students or be their best friend, but engage them in well-planned lessons that keep my students best interests at the forefront, despite the fact that I feel connected to them in many ways like a friend, because of the casual bounds I somewhat irresponsibly established last week as their teacher. Still, I can be very exacting and I am confident in my ability to manage a classroom. Still, I wanted to see just how casual and laid back you can be with an older group, and some of my questions have been answered).
4) Keeping good nutrition
5) Following routines - really being precise each day and trying to do everything to the best of my ability
6) Continuing to sell on eBay

That's all for now. I'm pleased with my ability to keep up with things with fewer posts here on rebootnation, and still recognize growth areas, and I'm glad I'm having more face-to-face experiences, though I do miss getting to share ideas as much with you guys, and I have to keep up with my own journal before I can get on to others and keep myself afloat and put in work, but I will aim to to do so soon. Stay well, everyone!

 

[achilles heel]

Great to see your reflections about going "hard mode" and stop fantasies, this will accelerate your process. On earlier reboots I allowed myself to fantasize and even MO as long as no porn was involved and I definitely notice how total abstinence DOES make a big difference now. You will soon notice and be less obsessed about sex, it really works.

In the back of my mind, one reason I run so much is just so that I can meet more of the people in my town and get closer to them.

This is a great thought, plain and simple - I hope it works for you! 

 

[rob24]

Great to see your reflections about going "hard mode" and stop fantasies, this will accelerate your process. On earlier reboots I allowed myself to fantasize and even MO as long as no porn was involved and I definitely notice how total abstinence DOES make a big difference now. You will soon notice and be less obsessed about sex, it really works.

In the back of my mind, one reason I run so much is just so that I can meet more of the people in my town and get closer to them.

This is a great thought, plain and simple - I hope it works for you! 

Thanks Achilles! Same here on the MO and fantasizing in earlier reboots. I think it makes a huge difference and can't believe I never saw it. Still, I think I've got a long way to go. I still think sexual, pornographic thoughts whenever I see attractive women, and it makes me feel odd in public when I am just trying to have a normal day. Trying to control my thoughts through fantasizing may be a huge step in this direction.

Today, I'm trying to catch up on routines, but most of all I need to prepare for work this week. Just two weeks left to make progress with my students. To be honest, I thought teaching high schoolers would be more fun, even though there are a lot of positives to it, but I think I might like a job where I'm not on display and on-stage performing for 4 hours a day. If I were teaching a subject that I were absolutely passionate about and a complete expert in, then I might want to do it more, but I'm starting to see that exhaustion with commuting and "performing" as a teacher are two major drawbacks of my current situation. Still, I think I have the potential to be good at my job, and I don't want to give up on all of teaching because of these two things. It might be good to just do a big pro and cons list of everything I've learned, felt, and thought over the last two years to think about what types of professions I would be most suited for, or if I should continue to teach with some minor adjustments, etc.

 

[rob24]

To keep track, here are some benefits at 24 days:

-Dreams are more memorable and vivid, at least for the last two days when I slept a lot. I had only one dream to compare to before the reboot got serious, but in the small sample size, the dreams switched from voyeuristic sex to actually having sex, and it was with a friend rather than some generic woman. I interpret that to mean that I'm thinking more of people, and personally, and less of sex itself/people as sex machines.
-I am thinking more about the future and my responsibilities. I don't feel as obsessed with making myself famous, known, or prominent. I care more about comfort and finding the right fit in life for me. I am somewhat altruistic, but this has waxed and waned. I still care about it, but maybe it's a healthy sign I'm more realistic and less entertaining of a savior complex, etc.
- I've begun, over the last 24-48 hours, to completely stop entertaining any sexual thoughts whatsoever. It was boring at first, but now my head is turning to other things. I genuinely just want to get outside and meet people more, work with people at work, and live out there with other people.
-Slightly, only slightly less procrastinating, but perhaps that's only because I'm so busy.

Areas I have yet to grow:
-Still a bit on erection quality/frequency of morning wood. I'd also like to see the return to the way I would experience arousal as a younger person. I would literally shake at any signs of a nude/scantily clad woman and get an erection so hard it would hurt. This was where I was about 11 years ago right before I learned about masturbation. I wonder how long it will take to get back to this level of arousal. Then PIED wouldn't be a consideration, and I'd probably be a lot happier. You tend to enjoy things a lot more when you deprive yourself of them. Not sure if I can say an exact time limit, but I'm guessing this will require that I (1) Stop thinking about sex, nudity, and anything else similar for at least a few months if not a year (2) Completely halt my seeing artificial images of women, etc. (3) The end of constant involuntary sexual thoughts. Not sure how long this will take, as I mentioned about seeing others in public. My guess is about 6 months of pushing down fantasies and any other sexual thoughts. I did this as a kid guiltily because I thought it was sinful to my religion, but now I'm doing it so that I can experience natural rewards again instead of further reinforcing this rut of an addictive pathway (4) Time away from touching myself, etc. - most likely a few months if not a year here also. I'm just guessing it would take about a year of "purity" to make such images completely "unexpected" to my brain again. So at a decent pace, I think I could be at that same point again in, at best, 5 months, and at worst, 2-3 or five years, if not more, though that seems incredibly unlikely to me.
-Unconsciously going straight to pornographic/sexual thoughts immediately when I see attractive women
-I haven't reached out to other socially much over the last couple days due to work and the fact that I haven't spoken to some people in so long that it feels a bit awkward. Maybe when work ends and I have time I'll reach out again. I'm conscious of the fact that I just feel really lonely and I want to be with friends. So many of my closest friends live far away, and it's hard to reach them. Maybe I could make an effort with local people next.

I've also decided this:

Since I've been incredibly active with exercise over the last month, I'm going to keep myself grounded and make sure that I don't get carried away before I lose track of myself and can't keep up. There needs to be more "breathing room" in my schedule to account for life changes and make sure that I keep the machine oiled and running for years ahead to come. I've decided to make my workout, running, and swimming regime 3 weeks on for every one week off to balance production and production capacity in balance. Later on, perhaps I'll be able to raise the ratio, but this could be a good start to keep myself from falling behind. Only one week in on work, and I already feel out of breath in some ways. I did this when I started working out in high school and it was a great idea. The alternative would be to just keep going without rest for tens of weeks at a time until I inevitably burn out. Better to go three weeks on and one week off for years, rather than to go one every week for a year and then burn out. It's better for long term growth and sustainability.

 

[Lero]

Good, man! Almost a month.

 

[rob24]

Thanks Lero! Here's to many more for both of us!

25 days

I recorded my emotions this morning and realized I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill pushing a stone up a cliff in terms of many of my goals and work. I feel a bit overwhelmed, but at least I have time to register it. I'm growingly self-conscious of the fact that I don't have a plan for work/career moving forward. I like teaching, but I don't like my commute, and it's tough being on display for 4+ hours a day. I like working with people, but I wish I could build in more personal time. I wish I were better at executing, and I often feel awkward in my presentation. I feel pretty lonely despite the fact that I see so many people each day, and sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. I know a lot of this is common, but I feel like I need more lasting stability and purpose behind my decisions.

Maybe I could make it a point over the next few months to really identify these areas of where I feel weak and probe and examine why I feel these ways and take actions to make myself better in them.

Other than that, I feel like I should be feeling better for 25 days. It's a great achievement! But I'm starting to confront demons I felt like I was confronting back in 7th grade or so, right around the time I first got into this awful habit/addiction cycle. Maybe, just maybe in this pain, there is huge, deep progress to be made at improving my overall character and life station. No matter what I achieved before, much of it was clouded by my addiction, and suppressing my real underlying character, hopes, purpose, etc. More on this later, as I have work! Stay well!

 

[Kraken]

25 days is great rob!  keep up the good work.  Be patient, you have time to complete all your goals.  One at a time and step by step

 

[achilles heel]

But I'm starting to confront demons I felt like I was confronting back in 7th grade or so, right around the time I first got into this awful habit/addiction cycle. Maybe, just maybe in this pain, there is huge, deep progress to be made at improving my overall character and life station. No matter what I achieved before, much of it was clouded by my addiction, and suppressing my real underlying character, hopes, purpose, etc.

This is exciting, despite the fact that bad things may arise, I am waiting for my real self to appear behind the cloud of addiction and it's good to see you actually see shades of this yourself. It's a good sign and I hope you will face fears and underlying issues with the same strength you put in to fight this addiction. You definitely can do it!

 

[rob24]

Thanks squid and Achilles! More on this to come. Just had a thought I wanted to record here. I don't feel like I did the best job teaching today, and my classroom management suffered slightly for it, but I had an absolute blast and even managed to lay down discipline when needed and without awkwardness and with respect, to a great extent because I was having such a good time. I'm a very theatrical teacher and I always thought there was something wrong with my personality or weak about me, but I forgot that I can always talk to my students and other people and we are all here to learn from each other, and that my own health and sanity and sense of well being counts just as much as that of anyone in the room, and that my superiors are lucky to have me, quirks, imperfections, passions, and all. I can embrace my own shortcomings and love them and probe into them SO THAT I can grow with and from them. They're like a fixed mindset self you go around with (related to the book I'm reading when I have time!) You take that self with you and you teach it throughout the day to have a growth mindset. Start where you are and be good to yourself. Care for yourself. After all, even if everyone cares for you, but you don't care for yourself, you will always have negative feelings which will rub off upon everyone around you. It not only helps you, but everyone else to be kind to yourself.

It also makes me realize that providing good instruction, positive expectations, and class procedures are of little help if you're not having fun. Maybe that's why, whenever I talk to my boss about these things, he just says, "Have fun with it!"

 

[Kraken]

You're right Rob!  Quirky passionate teachers are the best .  And also, you live as an example to the kids that they can be themselves too.

 

[rob24]

Thanks squid! Still trying to see if it's right for me, as it definitely takes a lot of endurance, but glad that's your thoughts too.

26 days

The temptations are rarer, but they're still there. The best I can do is to keep this forum as a lifeline, demonstrate self control, and keep working on these underlying issues that I have/had before I turned to PMO for a quick fix many years back. I think I have this deep seated sense that I am slime and unworthy of women I am attracted to. I also feel like I need to lie and keep up appearances when I speak with others to say things I'm supposed to. I don't focus on what I want or believe, but what I feel like I should believe. These would be two areas worth probing into and seeing how I can manage. How do you manage a whole set of beliefs/feelings like this? Maybe I'll treat them like a fixed mindset self. Bleh, any thoughts?

 

[Kraken]

You said a lot about what you don't want to think about or focus on, but what do you what?  Be detailed.  Here is a video I listen to for goal setting and motivation, it's really good, take a listen.
https://youtu.be/LBX1sp2PmyU

 

[rob24]

You said a lot about what you don't want to think about or focus on, but what do you what?  Be detailed.  Here is a video I listen to for goal setting and motivation, it's really good, take a listen.
https://youtu.be/LBX1sp2PmyU

Hmm, that's a great point! I've been spending so much time thinking about what I feel like I should want and what I don't want that I've lost track of my overall sense of purpose and goals. Great idea squid! I was just thinking about vision as I lay in bed last night. What's my vision for the future? And since I've dropped away fantasizing, this seems like a very inviting idea...

 

[Lero]

Hmm, that's a great point! I've been spending so much time thinking about what I feel like I should want and what I don't want that I've lost track of my overall sense of purpose and goals. Great idea squid! I was just thinking about vision as I lay in bed last night. What's my vision for the future? And since I've dropped away fantasizing, this seems like a very inviting idea...

It's a wonderful idea. Instead of fantasizing and feeding the addicted pathway, you could think about the vision.

 

[rob24]

It's true. Maybe I wouldn't feel so fearful and lost if I just were more clear about my vision. Then I wouldn't be afraid of things like getting observed, breaking the rules, messing up, failing at my goals, job, etc., and so on. I feel like I'm having way more fun when I live in my own bounds/world.

I just jotted down some phrases about my vision:

Independent, financially and in every other way
Not needing validation
With a good will
No fears, of silly little things like rejection etc
No fears of suffering or misfortune
Thriving in every way. Sustainable.
Simple pleasures
Reaching goals, but not being chained to them
Non-awkward in every way because I'm fully myself, but also doing true good
Practicing good values
Straight up honesty with what I want, and happy because of it.

I wrote this post up til here last night, then I had an amazing conversation with myself and with my parents, realizing I want to pursue getting an MBA. I look around at all the people around me and it seems so exciting. I want to help lead organizations and push myself rather than remaining largely stuck in indecision and feeling like I get whatever fate gives to me on any given day. Though I've loved many parts of it, I'd gladly do away with the babysitting aspects of teaching. Somehow I feel like a babysitter at times. I feel inferior. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I realized I have so many insecurities and I feel like I am worse than everyone around me. But I feel like I lock myself into these limiting beliefs: you can't introduce yourself to women you're attracted to because you're worse than them. Jeez, I can't believe I actually feel this way - inferior to everybody. I know it's wrong, and I'm mostly normal, but how the heck do I shake that belief every single time I see people?

So maybe I'll start going straight at the things I'm scared to do. Get out of my comfort zone. Make cold calls. Talk to strangers, etc. Maybe a career in something scarier than teaching would help. I admire my family friend who did the same and was able to raise a family in better conditions than mine, and I want to be able to do the same for me and mine one day. I'm going to start opening myself up to more varied and new experiences and being clearer about what I want rather than living a life of negativity. I felt bad around others, so why work in a way I feel hemmed in forever. This will help me go straight at the head of the dragon.

It might seek to deeply understand what are my exact limiting beliefs and write them out, as well as the beliefs I aspire to live out and record them...

Okay, I brainstormed some limiting beliefs I have been carrying around:

I am weird because I haven't had sex
I am weirdly preoccupied with and afraid of sex
I am permanently ugly inside and out and I can't change myself
My personality is in some way flawed and limits me (had a couple kids' parents say this to me when I struggled with my first class awhile back. I don't think anyone teaches middle school without going insane occasionally)
I am stupid and I cannot change it. Test scores, my level of maturity, ease around people, and where I went to college cannot be changed and/or permanently limit me for the rest of my life.
I can never change or become better
I am poor and I'll always be poor
I can't change certain fundamental characteristics about myself, my personality, etc.
I am bad at conversation and can't ever be better
My presence is imposing upon others (feel like I have this left over from my older sister, bleh)
I often feel like I am worse than the other people around me or I judge them, "sizing them up" and constantly rating myself by whether or not I think I measure up with them. This could involve anything like attractiveness, weight, height, etc. And every judgment I make is right and unchangeable. And if I don't do it I'm refusing to acknowledge what's true and right. It reinforces these beliefs and limits me because it makes me feel like so much is out of reach and that's the natural order, like I'm permanently uglier or stupider or shorter or just worse than other people. And I really feel convicted of this one, and I strongly believe that it's true, otherwise I wouldn't feel so bad just looking around at other people going about their days.
Other people get off on seeing me suffer with these beliefs.
Sex is wrong and evil. I am permanently bad at it. People laugh at me because of this. I am less of a man for all of the things I've mentioned in this journal. It is shallow to want to have a sexual relationship/sex. I am inferior and any sex/sexual activity that I get is granted because of women getting to decide who gets sex, and I don't get any because I'm inferior.
I need to "prove myself" to others by sexual exploits, success in work, etc. and I am hiding a dirty secret when I don't say these things, or how unhappy I often am with these areas in my life.
Every encounter with men or women is somehow to prove that I am more advanced than they are, physically, sexually, in experience, etc. It's all a contest to be won or lost. And if I don't care about sex or things that other people value so highly, then I'm lying to myself.

A couple of these beliefs I smashed when I re-met a lot of people I knew in elementary/middle school as a kid and I'd changed a lot more than many of them had. Maybe some neuroses from this age group just stay locked in so much, especially because it's when I turned to PMO for relief. Any thoughts on how to confront these?

Let's break these one by one, think about how I feel about them, and treat each one of them as parts of a fixed mindset that can be bent, shaped, and reforged into changes in my views, being, and actions.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Wow! Sounds like a great vision.

I have definitely spent time thinking about a vision for my life, thinking about where I want to end up or what I want to do with it. But I have never made a list of limiting beliefs. I think that could be a really useful exercise. What are the ways I'm holding myself back without even really realizing it or questioning it? There are probably a lot of ways: some of the things on your list resonated with me, but I was never aware of them before.

Really cool idea, and you've given me something to think about.

Keep being thoughtful and reflective, and go out and live your vision!

 

[rob24]

Thanks Heron! Glad it helped you! I got it from Rules of the Game, which was this dating/self-improvement book I read awhile back. While it had some drawbacks, it's also a good guide on putting yourself out there and one I might go back to, since it helps if you're starting from zero in your social life. And there's still a lot of negativity in my vision. I literally wrote down "be better than other people" yesterday, mostly because I've just felt horrible for awhile, but I realized that when I look at other people, shame and resentment came over me, and I'm really trying to probe into what would make me feel more equal to other people. It might be a confidence thing. I walked past a bunch of people last night and looked them all in the eye. I felt like a crowd, but it wasn't negative or destructive. It was confidence, and it felt respectful and dignified. Maybe its a matter of faking it until you make it, or at least exaggerating until I arrive at a healthy middle ground?

Could use your guys' thoughts on this (and that last part too!): I was never really into TV shows, and I feel like they're sort of mindless entertainment, but I also think it might help me to sign up for a Netflix membership or something because it helps with conversation starters and finding common ground with other people. Some stuff on Netflix is triggering, though, too. And it also can activate binging pathways. Should I watch in moderation? Should I not watch at all? Do you think it would be better to take up reading literature? A little bit, I'm now reflecting on it, and I might really enjoy reading for pleasure again. Maybe I'll do that. Bleh, I just answered my own question. Still, any thoughts on this? Sometimes I feel like I'm antisocial because I spent so much time gaming, and I wasn't into sports and I didn't watch Netflix, Game of Thrones, etc. I remember there was once this one really interesting kid I met at camp when I was in high school who read like a book every day. Maybe reading will help broaden my imagination and make me wiser and more mature...Any thoughts? Do you think it would make me antisocial? Or more interesting? Would appreciate any thoughts - kind of an Aristotelian questioning into what are the highest activities at which to throw yourself and what activities will make me more easily able to relate to people...other than spending time with people...Am I asking this right? I just want to be able to relate to people better and more naturally, and I'm looking for activities that will help me do this if you have any ideas.