My name is Jay. I'm 43 years old. I've been compulsively using porn for around 25 years.
In those two and a half decades, I have had very intense periods of acting out, characterized by long binges of several hours, with strong ritualistic elements, including smoking heavily (when I don't smoke any other time), wearing headphones, locking doors, and a darkened room. During those hours, I am absolutely and completely detached from everyone and everything that matters to me.
I don't need to spell out the details of my acting out - I'm pretty sure most of you will get it. But I will say that I can 'tick off' all the elements of porn addiction (or whatever your preferred term) that are described in this forum and elsewhere. Compulsive use, check; continued use despite mental, physical and relational consequences - check; viewing of increasingly bizarre and sometimes grotesque genres - check; interest in images that have no correlation to my sexuality and sexual preferences - check; shame around behaviour - check; sleep interference - check; porn induced erectile dysfunction - check; Salience of porn above my natural interests - check; several failed attempts to stop - check...
And on it goes.
Porn always held an intrigue to me. As I child, I found magazines in the local woods and quarries. That was my introduction to porn. In my very early years, I looked for images of women in underwear in catalogues and magazines. Pretty innocent stuff compared to much of the porn I've accessed since the internet opened everything up. But that's where it started, in those found magazines, in the underwear section of my mother's catalogues.
In reality, it all probably started with a childhood trauma, one I had many hours of therapy to overcome. I do believe I overcame the trauma, but the habit of porn I have never lost for longer than a couple of weeks. But I'm not here to battle with trauma, because I am at peace with that part of my life, and I will no longer hang any of my behaviour upon past events. I stopped being a victim to that some time ago. I mention it only because it is part of my story.
Excessive porn use piggy-backed into my life on the shoulders of heavy drug use in my teens and early twenties. Stimulants mostly. I used these because they temporarily eradicated all my self-doubt and self-loathing. That stopped a long long time ago. Today, I don't hate myself - far from it. But I do hate my compulsion to use porn. Porn has overstayed its welcome.
My compulsion to use porn is the monkey on my back. Porn is the thing that stops me from connecting to my friends and family. Porn is the toxic secret in my life. Porn is the thing that prevents me from fulfilling my potential. Porn is the place in which I dissociate from pain, anxiety, doubt, tiredness. Porn is the thing that hijacks my thoughts and steals my days.
Porn is the major threat to my personal world.
I'm here to take my life back.
I know I need others to help me.
I wish and hope for success for me and everyone in this forum.
In those two and a half decades, I have had very intense periods of acting out, characterized by long binges of several hours, with strong ritualistic elements, including smoking heavily (when I don't smoke any other time), wearing headphones, locking doors, and a darkened room. During those hours, I am absolutely and completely detached from everyone and everything that matters to me.
I don't need to spell out the details of my acting out - I'm pretty sure most of you will get it. But I will say that I can 'tick off' all the elements of porn addiction (or whatever your preferred term) that are described in this forum and elsewhere. Compulsive use, check; continued use despite mental, physical and relational consequences - check; viewing of increasingly bizarre and sometimes grotesque genres - check; interest in images that have no correlation to my sexuality and sexual preferences - check; shame around behaviour - check; sleep interference - check; porn induced erectile dysfunction - check; Salience of porn above my natural interests - check; several failed attempts to stop - check...
And on it goes.
Porn always held an intrigue to me. As I child, I found magazines in the local woods and quarries. That was my introduction to porn. In my very early years, I looked for images of women in underwear in catalogues and magazines. Pretty innocent stuff compared to much of the porn I've accessed since the internet opened everything up. But that's where it started, in those found magazines, in the underwear section of my mother's catalogues.
In reality, it all probably started with a childhood trauma, one I had many hours of therapy to overcome. I do believe I overcame the trauma, but the habit of porn I have never lost for longer than a couple of weeks. But I'm not here to battle with trauma, because I am at peace with that part of my life, and I will no longer hang any of my behaviour upon past events. I stopped being a victim to that some time ago. I mention it only because it is part of my story.
Excessive porn use piggy-backed into my life on the shoulders of heavy drug use in my teens and early twenties. Stimulants mostly. I used these because they temporarily eradicated all my self-doubt and self-loathing. That stopped a long long time ago. Today, I don't hate myself - far from it. But I do hate my compulsion to use porn. Porn has overstayed its welcome.
My compulsion to use porn is the monkey on my back. Porn is the thing that stops me from connecting to my friends and family. Porn is the toxic secret in my life. Porn is the thing that prevents me from fulfilling my potential. Porn is the place in which I dissociate from pain, anxiety, doubt, tiredness. Porn is the thing that hijacks my thoughts and steals my days.
Porn is the major threat to my personal world.
I'm here to take my life back.
I know I need others to help me.
I wish and hope for success for me and everyone in this forum.