Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years
- Thread starter GeminiMan
- Start date
Day 8 technically I have relapsed
By spending a lot of time in chatrooms
I have managed to not O but that’s just game over when I spend more than 5-10 mins in chat room .
one thing I can say surely here is I need to help myself better to cope with urges and do a better job in diverting my mind and attention when it matters . Without that self help no one can help me get up from this abyss .
Not even god .
By spending a lot of time in chatrooms
I have managed to not O but that’s just game over when I spend more than 5-10 mins in chat room .
one thing I can say surely here is I need to help myself better to cope with urges and do a better job in diverting my mind and attention when it matters . Without that self help no one can help me get up from this abyss .
Not even god .
I have not been helping myself stay sober . I have not been listening to my essence my true consciousness that wants me to be happy .
I have been ignoring it and fulfilling gratification using chat rooms and porn paid subscription over last month.
I need to realize If not myself there is no one else who can stop me . I am my own sabotage . I am my own master . I need to treat myself with kindness and care and guard myself to see through achievement of sobriety.
I will do it from this moment . I better mean it this time .
I have been ignoring it and fulfilling gratification using chat rooms and porn paid subscription over last month.
I need to realize If not myself there is no one else who can stop me . I am my own sabotage . I am my own master . I need to treat myself with kindness and care and guard myself to see through achievement of sobriety.
I will do it from this moment . I better mean it this time .
Thinking through where n what I need to do to reboot successfully, by now I know a lot about this addiction and how it manifests in my day to day and how I can keep it in check . What is lacking is only one thing ….
my relentless commitment, conviction , accountability and execution on a day to day to reboot way of life
If I don’t get that right I will be writing the same messages of how I need to help myself reboot here even in month of May 2034 or may be 2054 even for that matter
my relentless commitment, conviction , accountability and execution on a day to day to reboot way of life
If I don’t get that right I will be writing the same messages of how I need to help myself reboot here even in month of May 2034 or may be 2054 even for that matter
Relapsed yesterday to chatrooms .
I had the chance at one moment to stop myself I even saw that coming when I was laying on my couch casually browsing social media when the thought of visiting chatroom entered my mind .
I thought to myself “oh shit the thought is here , it’s whispering in my ears to go chat and MO” I should not listen to it . And then swoooop ….
very next second I was walking into mens room with my phone to give in …
Had I held my nerves when I was tempted It would have been a sober day .
This is how my addiction unfolds every couple days . I know when I need to help myself but I don’t do it .
I think it’s the lack of commitment and conviction ,
I want to mean this when I say
“I will stay committed to sobriety from now”
The filthy side of me . Whenever he stands up I need to blow punches of wisdom and knock him down .. I need to master that skill I will do it now I mean it .
and why do I need to master the skill ?
so I don’t steal happiness from my own life and other peoples lives
So I let myself and others around me Earn that happiness we are all longing for in life .
I had the chance at one moment to stop myself I even saw that coming when I was laying on my couch casually browsing social media when the thought of visiting chatroom entered my mind .
I thought to myself “oh shit the thought is here , it’s whispering in my ears to go chat and MO” I should not listen to it . And then swoooop ….
very next second I was walking into mens room with my phone to give in …
Had I held my nerves when I was tempted It would have been a sober day .
This is how my addiction unfolds every couple days . I know when I need to help myself but I don’t do it .
I think it’s the lack of commitment and conviction ,
I want to mean this when I say
“I will stay committed to sobriety from now”
The filthy side of me . Whenever he stands up I need to blow punches of wisdom and knock him down .. I need to master that skill I will do it now I mean it .
and why do I need to master the skill ?
so I don’t steal happiness from my own life and other peoples lives
So I let myself and others around me Earn that happiness we are all longing for in life .
I wonder if or how one would stay away permanently( or atleast for an year) out of this relapse cycle without a single relapse/regret/recover cycle .
I feel it’s impossible to achieve .
if someone has achieved it for real then , hats off to him/her after being addicted. I am almost on the verge of believing that this is not possible for human beings
(Atleast for me)
I am looking for ways to convince myself that I am still in the game and there could be a recovery in my lifetime for me from this !
I have sort of come to terms that I am a
“Chatroom addict for LIFE!!!”
I feel I am truly genuinely doooomed !!!
may be that’s the thing because I have very strongly assumed internally that I am doomed that’s why I dont even try to resist when tempted by my mind and there is free flowing unending access to explicit content at fingertips .
I don’t know how on earth will I ever recover . I am being brutally honest about this . It’s how I feel …..
I feel it’s impossible to achieve .
if someone has achieved it for real then , hats off to him/her after being addicted. I am almost on the verge of believing that this is not possible for human beings
(Atleast for me)
I am looking for ways to convince myself that I am still in the game and there could be a recovery in my lifetime for me from this !
I have sort of come to terms that I am a
“Chatroom addict for LIFE!!!”
I feel I am truly genuinely doooomed !!!
may be that’s the thing because I have very strongly assumed internally that I am doomed that’s why I dont even try to resist when tempted by my mind and there is free flowing unending access to explicit content at fingertips .
I don’t know how on earth will I ever recover . I am being brutally honest about this . It’s how I feel …..
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I feel your pain because coincidentally you catch me in the same phase. 8 fuckin PMOs two days in a row... I wonder what's worse: Do it every day or hold on for 7 days and then do it 8 times in two days? I used to say this, this addiction is the hardest to quit, in my opinion and only a small percentage will truly quit, the majority is trapped in the "Relapse/Restart" marathon for years and years, it can last for life. You could be an old man with no libido anymore and maybe, maybe then you don't jerk off to porn anymore. In all these years I've been fighting to beat this, I haven't really achieved shit. It is really the truth, no matter what people want to tell me here, from all of us here who come and post, only a small percentage will truly quit, and when I mean truly quit I mean go forever with no relapses at all. Some used to come here regularly and post then disappeared and something tells me they are not done with porn, from the way they left. Maybe I could never quit this, I don't know, sometimes I feel I will never escape. Those people who are done with porn permanently at this point, how the fuck did they do it? I'm sorry for this depressive rant on your journal.
No that’s perfectly fine @Escapeandnevercomeback
I would prefer a brutally honest criticism instead of a fake praise every single day . Its the slap on the face that keeps me on a road to high bar not the complacency that creeps in because someone here continues to encourage me saying
“It’s ok bro you’ll get it … get over it now .. try once more “
I say No…. !
I won’t get it … I won’t …. unless I want to get it
I think I am being mean to all of you guys using you all to just to rant out my frustration at …and hear some soothing comforting encouraging words from you all and then go back to MO in chatrooms after 5 days next time F*Kin again .. caused because of my own f*ing irresponsible attitude and behavior in my day to day in this so called my recovery journey … which has given me and you nothing from my life but just hearsay of my failures …
Let me strip my fake reboot journey rant naked here so my inner self realizes it’s a foul play I am doing on my F*Kin self .
I would prefer a brutally honest criticism instead of a fake praise every single day . Its the slap on the face that keeps me on a road to high bar not the complacency that creeps in because someone here continues to encourage me saying
“It’s ok bro you’ll get it … get over it now .. try once more “
I say No…. !
I won’t get it … I won’t …. unless I want to get it
I think I am being mean to all of you guys using you all to just to rant out my frustration at …and hear some soothing comforting encouraging words from you all and then go back to MO in chatrooms after 5 days next time F*Kin again .. caused because of my own f*ing irresponsible attitude and behavior in my day to day in this so called my recovery journey … which has given me and you nothing from my life but just hearsay of my failures …
Let me strip my fake reboot journey rant naked here so my inner self realizes it’s a foul play I am doing on my F*Kin self .
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I understand what you mean. I don't want to discourage people but, at the same time, I don't want people to be deluded, I want people to understand that so far the porn addicts who are completely done with porn are a small percentage on forums. Which means, it's hard and we must be realistic. We must accept this first before we can do something. It's fine to tell yourself: "I can do it", it's good to use this as motivation but when you return here after 5 years and write "Day 1", you are doing something wrong. Yes, because one human being has done this, technically all the other porn addicted human beings can do it too but... I don't know. I've been actively trying to quit porn on Reboot Nation for almost 4 years and I still write Day 1 here. But I'd been trying to quit porn addiction since I was 25, because I joined Reboot Nation at 28, and I still write Day 1 here. And I've been trying to quit porn and masturbation before I even knew about porn addiction, for my reasons, and I haven't done much progress. So what the fuck is really going on? Sometimes I feel like I don't know what's going on anymore. WHat I know is that I'm tired to write the same fuckin things in my journal, the same failures and stuff.
PowerCycling
Member
When I'm feeling depressed I feel the same. But what is there to do about it? The way I see it is the fight itself is a noble fight, and while we would of course prefer to slay the beast, subduing it is better than letting it run wild. Every PMO is a little bit of damage to your health and life, so expending great effort to reduce its grip on you is not wasted even if you never fully defeat it.
That said, I do hold out hope that we can all one day finally start a streak that never ends . . .
I was tempted to go chatroom this afternoon and then I just thought to myself , I just ranted about my reboot on the forum yesterday and today I am thinking chatroom fantasies… what the …. How shameless and wild the mind can be !
I do agree that we shouldn’t let the fight go to control the beast …
At the least by fighting addiction I will go dooomed after 10 years compared to a sucker who gives in every other night he is going to loose it all in the next 6 months .
I do agree that we shouldn’t let the fight go to control the beast …
At the least by fighting addiction I will go dooomed after 10 years compared to a sucker who gives in every other night he is going to loose it all in the next 6 months .
I am on day 7 clean streak .
My temptations have been coming up in afternoons and I have been logging onto chatrooms past two days but soon reminding myself that this is not what I want …
“This chatroom addiction has made me depressed so many times I better close this browser and do something else useful“
It is taking perseverance and hammering the thought again and again for me to fully understand my good inner good intentions to remain sober and happy instead of relapsing and miserable in addiction cycles.
I will keep erasing the negatives thoughts and temptations from my mind reinforcing the benefits and dire need of sober life even if my mind tries to get me to relapse a 100 billion times .
This is my life . I will not quit .
I will clean my actions everyday as they get dirty.
I will clean my thoughts everyday as they get dirty.
I will clean up my LIFE everyday as it gets dirty over and over again .
And In the end if I fail to be a perfected Man.
That is what it is !
I would have finished my life 10% better than I would have otherwise .
My temptations have been coming up in afternoons and I have been logging onto chatrooms past two days but soon reminding myself that this is not what I want …
“This chatroom addiction has made me depressed so many times I better close this browser and do something else useful“
It is taking perseverance and hammering the thought again and again for me to fully understand my good inner good intentions to remain sober and happy instead of relapsing and miserable in addiction cycles.
I will keep erasing the negatives thoughts and temptations from my mind reinforcing the benefits and dire need of sober life even if my mind tries to get me to relapse a 100 billion times .
This is my life . I will not quit .
I will clean my actions everyday as they get dirty.
I will clean my thoughts everyday as they get dirty.
I will clean up my LIFE everyday as it gets dirty over and over again .
And In the end if I fail to be a perfected Man.
That is what it is !
I would have finished my life 10% better than I would have otherwise .
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Great job on getting to a week! It’s a good outlook you have, keep repeating to yourself what you want to do, what you want your life to be like and you will get there.
Day 8 of sobriety.
Nothing here to say I have achieved something. Just reminding myself that I have somehow managed not to relapse last 7 days because of gods grace and blessings and resulting in my own responsible attitude and behaviors.
Still a Loooooong way to go !
I would say I have indeed achieved something when I hit a 1000 day clean steak .
That would be something to
“Take a breathe and thank my lord and pat my back for doin it”
will Keep reporting
MI30S
Nothing here to say I have achieved something. Just reminding myself that I have somehow managed not to relapse last 7 days because of gods grace and blessings and resulting in my own responsible attitude and behaviors.
Still a Loooooong way to go !
I would say I have indeed achieved something when I hit a 1000 day clean steak .
That would be something to
“Take a breathe and thank my lord and pat my back for doin it”
will Keep reporting
MI30S
Blondie
Respected Member
I know what you mean by that, I feel the same.
But everyday is an achievement as well, so let's keep on pushing ourselves and enjoying everyday for what it is, freedom.
Keep going man, you're doing great!
I gave in yesterday on day 8.
It was apparent that the dopamine was building up since day 6 as I visited chatrooms sparingly on day 6 and 7 and then I visited chatroom again on day 8 and it was a mistake I kept repeating to satiate my mental urges . Which obviously was a fatal mistake .
Day 1 today
This time I should catch the signs of trouble accurately early and hold myself back when I am tempted around day 5-8 and let the rewiring process move forward longer .
It was apparent that the dopamine was building up since day 6 as I visited chatrooms sparingly on day 6 and 7 and then I visited chatroom again on day 8 and it was a mistake I kept repeating to satiate my mental urges . Which obviously was a fatal mistake .
Day 1 today
This time I should catch the signs of trouble accurately early and hold myself back when I am tempted around day 5-8 and let the rewiring process move forward longer .
Thanks @Blondie . Hope you are doing good!
Hmm so we can clearly say then that the lapse most likely started with the decision to sparingly visit the chatroom and escalated from there? This is good as we can remember this lapse the next time the addict brain tells us to do it.
As long as we snap back, rebalance ourselves and keep moving forward, then all this amounts to is a minor setback. You can do it!
As long as we snap back, rebalance ourselves and keep moving forward, then all this amounts to is a minor setback. You can do it!
you’re right . The mental urges start cravings for me by day 5 . I then suddenly without notice start somehow in my lonely moments think about visiting chatrooms and begin fantasizing things that could go in a chatroom . And then all that build up of mental desires in my mind warrants a quick chatroom visit (could be just 5 mins) and that sets off my dopamine escalation and then after that there is no coming back home !
This is the pattern .
I have to break this cycle .
I will do this by holding myself from visiting chatrooms on my browsers and diverting my train of thoughts in my mind as early as possible that start the chatroom fantasy play that first plays inside my mind even before I pick my phone/computer to fire up the browser to type chatroom/P site url
On day 4 now