Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

[GeminiMan]

I am Not counting days anymore but I had few relapses last week which caused financial impacts . I am taking it easy for now .
recovering from the run over I had last 6-8 days .
lost a lot of money , sleep , energy , time and lived a semi zombie life . Need to help myself walk the life properly now on .

 

[particularly_respecting]

Damn sorry to hear about the relapses @man_in_30s_rebootingnow
It's tricky because porn affects our energy and sleep
But that saps our willpower and makes us more susceptible to bad decisions -- like more porn and less sleep
But it sounds like you've broken the cycle now - stay on track brother!

 

[GeminiMan]

Damn sorry to hear about the relapses @man_in_30s_rebootingnow
It's tricky because porn affects our energy and sleep
But that saps our willpower and makes us more susceptible to bad decisions -- like more porn and less sleep
But it sounds like you've broken the cycle now - stay on track brother!

Looking back at last week what I could have done is “I could have taken a hard look at myself and my vulnerability to relapse readily and said … shit this is not me .. I could live so much better in my day to day … I am not doing it only because I am thinking I am incapable of it … but actually I am capable of living sober days if I want to and if I decide to then I can … “

and that’s how I will think now on .
If I think I can then I can do it for real …

 

[particularly_respecting]

If I think I can then I can do it for real …

Exactly - it's literally all in the mind
You got this - I want to see you succeed!

 

[GeminiMan]

I made a vow this time to stick to sobriety in the morning and by afternoon already I got tempted to logon to chat sites twice and both times I did visit chat sites and closed it after few minutes .

why does this happen ? Why won’t my mind let me stick to sober ways of living ..

Next time I feel voices in my head asking me to imagine/see/read/touch to feel sensual and excited It’s going to be hard to resist .. I don’t know how I am going to get sober ever …

it’s impossible

 

[GeminiMan]

Even if I think it is possible superficially it internally feels impossible.. I feel I am doomed for life … help me god !

 

[particularly_respecting]

it’s impossible

Not impossible

It is possible for you, me, and everyone else on this forum
The question is not can we do it, but will we do it?

Break the cycle brother - I'm rooting for you!

 

[GeminiMan]

Okay I made a new vow just know to never type the url of the explicit sites on my browser or search bars . If I am able to keep my fingers off of these keys and keep my mind off of these explicit imaginations and recalls I should be good to hit a very long streak this time and may be even eternal sobriety who knows what’s in store …

here I go …

my lord …
I am all yours my lord … take me in your hands and walk me through this ocean of problems and help me reach the summit of sobriety.

I do not want to abuse myself or anyone else no more until my last breathe .
Save my life from drowning oh lord I am your son
Make me a good one I will do everything that makes this world a better place to live .

 

[GeminiMan]

I relapsed today again and all the while I had a guilt feeling that I am doing wrong but still knowlingly I didn’t stop myself and relapsed .
I hate myself for only believing in god but not living a clean life that god wants me to .

I look up to gods help but I don’t help myself when I am triggered in any ways and I just let myself succumb to bad thoughts and desires .

had I stopped myself or diverted my attention today at the crucial moment I wouldn’t have lost my time and money again today

 

[GeminiMan]

Why don’t I stop myself in the moment and always repent later for not stopping myself . It’s insane how I am behaving I don’t understand why I am like this

 

[GeminiMan]

I was reading my journal back and I am understanding my attitude and beliefs towards addictions I have had and failures I have had all along .

I hold myself responsible for my failures and bad choices . I need to start looking into my thoughts and feelings and actions and accept responsibility for each one of them and follow through with corrective thoughts feelings and actions

Only then I can recover from this .

 

[Blondie]

Hey man, sorry about your relapse. I have a thought experiment for you, and you can always tell me to fuck off if you don't like it.

What would your perfect day be like? How would you live it? And don't say "A perfect day would be not looking at porn", because that's only looking at the negatives and not the positives of life. Life is not "not doing something", life IS doing something. Thus, I would suggest you plan out one perfect day for yourself and only one day. What would you eat? How would you workout, spend time with the family etc.? Then live that day out to perfection! Think of yourself like an actor playing a part, and act it out hour by hour! It's only one day, so please don't tell me you can't do it. Obviously you won't be looking at porn that day, but that's only 1% of your day, how about the other 99% of the day, what will you be doing? Afterwards, reflect on how it felt to live one day absolutely perfectly. Then do it again the next day, and the next day.

Like I said, you can tell me to fuck off, but that was just my first thoughts, when reading a couple of your posts. I saw you had a great streak once, maybe 5 or 6 months, what was once done before, can be done again. You got this!

Speaking of which, I'm going to get the hell off my computer right now, and live out what a perfect day is for me. I wish you the best.

 

[GeminiMan]

Hey man, sorry about your relapse. I have a thought experiment for you, and you can always tell me to fuck off if you don't like it.

What would your perfect day be like? How would you live it? And don't say "A perfect day would be not looking at porn", because that's only looking at the negatives and not the positives of life. Life is not "not doing something", life IS doing something. Thus, I would suggest you plan out one perfect day for yourself and only one day. What would you eat? How would you workout, spend time with the family etc.? Then live that day out to perfection! Think of yourself like an actor playing a part, and act it out hour by hour! It's only one day, so please don't tell me you can't do it. Obviously you won't be looking at porn that day, but that's only 1% of your day, how about the other 99% of the day, what will you be doing? Afterwards, reflect on how it felt to live one day absolutely perfectly. Then do it again the next day, and the next day.

Like I said, you can tell me to fuck off, but that was just my first thoughts, when reading a couple of your posts. I saw you had a great streak once, maybe 5 or 6 months, what was once done before, can be done again. You got this!

Speaking of which, I'm going to get the hell off my computer right now, and live out what a perfect day is for me. I wish you the best.

Hey @Blondie
I won’t tell you to F off definitely not


But yeah see your point and ironically I am a great “planner” and also a “non doer” .
so I have a Daily plan schedule reminder set on my phone to do things one after other until end of day that blips every morning for a minute and I snooze it and live my day as the day to day throws me at its will

As a result I relapse here and there once in 6-8 days and then do the regret/post/recover/relapse cycles over again which each cycle lasts 6-8 days per loop .

So the “planned day” has not worked for me consistently. But yeah I understand that is what will help fill 99% off my immediate next day so I can divert my 1% of the day (p use time) to something else which will not harm me .

all I will do next is plan my next day before I sleep at least mentally and follow through it to the best of my abilities and actually go out and live it every single day

I don’t know if that will reboot me 100% or not but it will certainly help me organize and live my days and then weeks and months for a fulfilling purpose at the least …. And there by helping me reboot also In the process .

Thanks again for stopping by .
Hope it helps someone .

god bless

 

[GeminiMan]

I relapsed again and I acknowledge that I let myself do what I never wanted to .

I will try again to tie myself down and I will make effort each day to enjoy being inside my reboot boundaries and derive happiness satisfaction and contentment off of it

 

[GeminiMan]

Relapse again today .
day 1 tomorrow

 

[GeminiMan]

I relapsed last night
Day 1 today

 

[GeminiMan]

I relapsed again and I acknowledge that I let myself do what I never wanted to .

I will try again to tie myself down and I will make effort each day to enjoy being inside my reboot boundaries and derive happiness satisfaction and contentment off of it

I am not following through on this commitment I made . To derive happiness from sober life and live with that peacefully. I am focusing on this from today

 

[Blondie]

Hey man, don't be too hard on yourself. This happens. What made you relapse? Whatever it was, learn from it and get back up again and keep going.

 

[GeminiMan]

Hey man, don't be too hard on yourself. This happens. What made you relapse? Whatever it was, learn from it and get back up again and keep going.

Yep I need to stop repeating same mistakes I have done before . I have a good sense of all the mistakes I do on a day to day basis that lead me relapse .

just need to get my shit together here that’s going to go a long way !

Thanks for all of your support man .

 

[GeminiMan]

Didn’t realize after long I am on day 5 of a clean streak on hard mode .

work keeping me super busy . No time to think of anything else . I love the way this is going .

I might as well sign up for more projects that keep me bogged down even if that means I don’t get time to browse mindlessly on internet. That’s alright . It’s actually good for me .

Day 6 tomorrow