Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years
- Thread starter GeminiMan
- Start date
Hi @man_in_30s_rebootingnow , a great journal. I sense your frustrations, and know how difficult the journey can be ... it's tough!
You are doing all the right things. Keep going.
You are doing all the right things. Keep going.
Day 7 going ok . Sometimes I get flashbacks when driving , doing daily chores and I immediately shut those thoughts divert my mind to something else . I guess I will need to keep repeating this “SHUT down Those Thoughts RIGHT NOW!!!” routine until it becomes my natural instinct and a way of life .
@Simonly Thank you for reading my journal . I hope you are doing good with your reboot journey making new progress !
cheers
MI30S
I watched a documentary in which they showed a place on a Latin American country in Andes where there is no internet, no cell phone reception. Only form of communication is radio . I once for the sake of reboot thought “God I wish I was living there” it would help my reboot like BOOM! , I wonder if any P or chatroom or Cam addict has ever moved to an isolated place on earth where there is no high speed internet or Mobil network access and fully recovered and lived happily ever after ?
What do you guys think if given such a option would you take it ?
What do you guys think if given such a option would you take it ?
Day 8
Few bumps on my journey at this point . I had real sex with my partner on day 7 and then I had kind of a chaser effect where on day 8 as soon as I woke up I had these weird chat fantasies flowing in my mind . I woke up took my phone headed to the bathroom and started chatting. And after a while of chatting these thoughts flew through my mind . I thank god for these thoughts that came in .. so thoughts were like this
“this is the thing that is ruining my life . It is ruining other peoples life as well . I am alerted by my mind each time I start this . There is this beautiful inner voice that says … this is wrong I should not be doing this . This is bad for humankind .. and then I continue to ignore this voice which is trying to help me stay sober and recover . ..gods are speaking to me inside my mind .. to help me stay sober .. so I thought let me listen to it now , let me listen to my inner honest voice . I will be soo better off if I do listen to these alerts and behave sober” after these thought flow, I closed the chat browsers and took a deep breathe and sighed at myself .
and then here I am journaling it all .
Hope to manage these negative thoughts and break my barrier of 8-12 days this time and move onto a longer reboot streak .
Few bumps on my journey at this point . I had real sex with my partner on day 7 and then I had kind of a chaser effect where on day 8 as soon as I woke up I had these weird chat fantasies flowing in my mind . I woke up took my phone headed to the bathroom and started chatting. And after a while of chatting these thoughts flew through my mind . I thank god for these thoughts that came in .. so thoughts were like this
“this is the thing that is ruining my life . It is ruining other peoples life as well . I am alerted by my mind each time I start this . There is this beautiful inner voice that says … this is wrong I should not be doing this . This is bad for humankind .. and then I continue to ignore this voice which is trying to help me stay sober and recover . ..gods are speaking to me inside my mind .. to help me stay sober .. so I thought let me listen to it now , let me listen to my inner honest voice . I will be soo better off if I do listen to these alerts and behave sober” after these thought flow, I closed the chat browsers and took a deep breathe and sighed at myself .
and then here I am journaling it all .
Hope to manage these negative thoughts and break my barrier of 8-12 days this time and move onto a longer reboot streak .
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Yeah, I would take that offer. Although I would have some conditions:
> I get to take my wife and still have relationships with friends and family
> I have some way of providing for myself and my family (e.g. farming)
> I have access to books and pen & paper
I love the idea of homesteading, or living on an island, or in some remote wilderness.
I do think that would kill this addiction for good. Life would be tough, but I think it would lead to a more real spiritual happiness.
I think many men have this kind of desire to escape all the bullshit of modern life and live like this.
I have no idea if any P or cam addict has ever done it, but certainly some people have, like this guy.
The man who has lived as a hermit for 40 years
Ken Smith lives without electricity or running water in a hand-made log cabin on the banks of a remote loch.
www.bbc.com
This is remarkable. I agree he is one different man . Living life on his own terms away from even the reach of a cell phone signal . Forget high speed internet or P or chatroom addiction. I wish I had such a difficult personality and ways of life so much so that for P and chat addictions to not even being able to find where I am.Yeah, I would take that offer. Although I would have some conditions:
> I get to take my wife and still have relationships with friends and family
> I have some way of providing for myself and my family (e.g. farming)
> I have access to books and pen & paper
I love the idea of homesteading, or living on an island, or in some remote wilderness.
I do think that would kill this addiction for good. Life would be tough, but I think it would lead to a more real spiritual happiness.
I think many men have this kind of desire to escape all the bullshit of modern life and live like this.
I have no idea if any P or cam addict has ever done it, but certainly some people have, like this guy.
The man who has lived as a hermit for 40 years
Ken Smith lives without electricity or running water in a hand-made log cabin on the banks of a remote loch.
Forget getting me hooked into ‘em . Ah such a lovely thing it would be to be that in life .
Amen
Day 9 today and I had a pretty rough day 8
I was repeatedly sliding back to chat rooms and stopped myself it’s uncomfortable.
this is same pattern that happened previously as well . I need to do things differently now approach this with a different attitude and mindset and heightened awareness so I can breakthrough this barrier if 8-12 days . Day 9 I’m progress hopefully I will do well
I was repeatedly sliding back to chat rooms and stopped myself it’s uncomfortable.
this is same pattern that happened previously as well . I need to do things differently now approach this with a different attitude and mindset and heightened awareness so I can breakthrough this barrier if 8-12 days . Day 9 I’m progress hopefully I will do well
Day 9 has been really difficult I find myself endlessly trying to access explicit materials . As though I can’t survive without it . I keep reminding myself of the futility of this pursuit and how it will fill me with shame regret and pain at the end of session . I carried out a chat session and a explicit content access session reluctantly with two minds one telling me to go on other to withdraw immediately and move on .
This again is happening because deep down I still believe that P and chat rooms are my source of happiness which I cannot let go off . But I know I am wrong and I haven’t been so far able convince myself to let go off of it and move on .
it’s a very bad situation for someone to be in .
All I can continue in this moment is to continue to remind myself of all the learnings I have got about this addiction and how worthless and wasteful all this pursuit of explicit content is actually and convince myself or slap myself or if that forceful ways does not work gently tell myself relentlessly that this is not what I wanted from my day from my week from my life ! And I need to now steer my way out of this black hole which is ever consuming of my time energy and health and wealth .
Into Day 9 course correction now
This again is happening because deep down I still believe that P and chat rooms are my source of happiness which I cannot let go off . But I know I am wrong and I haven’t been so far able convince myself to let go off of it and move on .
it’s a very bad situation for someone to be in .
All I can continue in this moment is to continue to remind myself of all the learnings I have got about this addiction and how worthless and wasteful all this pursuit of explicit content is actually and convince myself or slap myself or if that forceful ways does not work gently tell myself relentlessly that this is not what I wanted from my day from my week from my life ! And I need to now steer my way out of this black hole which is ever consuming of my time energy and health and wealth .
Into Day 9 course correction now
Still day 9 but I planned to pull myself back from addictions and chat rooms . But the addiction has been pulling me stronger into chat rooms each time and it wants me to have that O and only then it will leave me alone . That’s how it has been for past 4 hours . The chemicals have been released the stage is set up for an O while I chat . And I am so immature that knowing all this is not supposed to happen again I pick up phone type chat url chat dirty and on and on and on . How much blinded I must be to do the same thing again and again in spite of all the knowledge and know how of this addiction. If it wasn’t my wife knocking my office I wouldn’t have stopped and come here to journal .
I will keep the relentless course correction yet again while my addiction is working hard to undo all that on me and torture me untill I have that O !
I don’t want to reset the counter yet again . I want to keep correcting myself and move on .
God help me
I will keep the relentless course correction yet again while my addiction is working hard to undo all that on me and torture me untill I have that O !
I don’t want to reset the counter yet again . I want to keep correcting myself and move on .
God help me
Robotwithnomoreporn
New Member
I have been reading almost all of your progress here. Sorry if I can't write down my comment nicely since English is not my first language.
To be honest, I found the article here is very helpful for me to start my journey on NoFAP. I failed for so many times too.
Being honest to yourself and never lose hope!
I am on my 33 day and I am still fighting over the urges too. But now it is more easy to handle.
Don't target for 90 days at the first step. Just make short target like 1 week clean and repeat the same for the next weeks. God bless you!
To be honest, I found the article here is very helpful for me to start my journey on NoFAP. I failed for so many times too.
Being honest to yourself and never lose hope!
I am on my 33 day and I am still fighting over the urges too. But now it is more easy to handle.
Don't target for 90 days at the first step. Just make short target like 1 week clean and repeat the same for the next weeks. God bless you!
Day 10
I was so upset with my behavior last day as I was sliding into chat rooms like there is no tomorrow . I woke up today day 10 and did exactly the same thing . Opened phone typed url of chat site and went there . I quickly thought let me not do this and came here for journaling .
Will keep pushing for sanity with constant reminders playing in my head that P and Chatrooms is not an option !
I was so upset with my behavior last day as I was sliding into chat rooms like there is no tomorrow . I woke up today day 10 and did exactly the same thing . Opened phone typed url of chat site and went there . I quickly thought let me not do this and came here for journaling .
Will keep pushing for sanity with constant reminders playing in my head that P and Chatrooms is not an option !
Great going @Robotwithnomoreporn
After I posted here I went back to chatrooms site again and chatted badly and had an MO. The rules and benefits of sobriety and reboot were playing somewhere at the back of my head and me slowly becoming numb to those voices I continued to chat on looking for larger dopamine surges and waves of pleasure I got so indulged and MO Ed inspite of knowing and just ignoring all good alerts and having my way to an MO pushing aside everything that comes on my way .
I am sorry to myself and god that I let this happen again . I did this self sabotage yet again . I was my own enemy because I let myself ignore the warnings and alerts from the knowledge of addiction patterns . I was being dishonest to myself . I looked at short term pleasures only and completely ignored my overall well being and mental psychological prosperity and happiness.
I was a fool , I thought I have not MO Ed so let me keep counting my days and counted upto 10 days but I should have stopped counting at 6 days when I first opened the browser and typed chat site url .
I felt foolishly great about myself counting on from 6 7 8 9 until today whereas actually under the hood I was bleeding to addiction as I picked up my phone or laptop several times in last 3 days and typed chat or P site urls reading explicit texts typing and watched P scenes in between .
I will approach my reboot differently from today .
I may always look low on number of days but I don’t care . I want myself to be a hard mode rebooter now on running very low on dopamine very much every single day . I know it’s an uphill battle but I am ready to take this on now for gods sake .
I will reset my counter each time I open browser and type chat url or equivalent on search engines
that’s the only way I can prevent fooling myself around trying to have a false sense of reboot progress while I continue to edge and bleed and sabotage myself .
Please god help me become a wise and honest man. A non-user .
I start my new ways of reboot from right now . I am on day 1.
I am sorry to myself and god that I let this happen again . I did this self sabotage yet again . I was my own enemy because I let myself ignore the warnings and alerts from the knowledge of addiction patterns . I was being dishonest to myself . I looked at short term pleasures only and completely ignored my overall well being and mental psychological prosperity and happiness.
I was a fool , I thought I have not MO Ed so let me keep counting my days and counted upto 10 days but I should have stopped counting at 6 days when I first opened the browser and typed chat site url .
I felt foolishly great about myself counting on from 6 7 8 9 until today whereas actually under the hood I was bleeding to addiction as I picked up my phone or laptop several times in last 3 days and typed chat or P site urls reading explicit texts typing and watched P scenes in between .
I will approach my reboot differently from today .
I may always look low on number of days but I don’t care . I want myself to be a hard mode rebooter now on running very low on dopamine very much every single day . I know it’s an uphill battle but I am ready to take this on now for gods sake .
I will reset my counter each time I open browser and type chat url or equivalent on search engines
that’s the only way I can prevent fooling myself around trying to have a false sense of reboot progress while I continue to edge and bleed and sabotage myself .
Please god help me become a wise and honest man. A non-user .
I start my new ways of reboot from right now . I am on day 1.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Sounds like you are being very honest and introspective about your behavior.
Hope your new way of reboot goes well - it sounds like you have a great resolve!
Hope your new way of reboot goes well - it sounds like you have a great resolve!
Thank you @particularly_respecting . I don’t want to let myself and the rebooting community down this time.
Robotwithnomoreporn
New Member
I am sure you can do too. Make yourself busy with something (if you have any religion I am sure it can be started by making connection with your Lord and ask for His help and guidance) or do some exercise, it helps me a lot.
Thanks @Robotwithnomoreporn
Thankfully my work is getting super busy . That will take my attention away from chatrooms and P sites for sure . For the remainder of the times I will need to keep a watch on my feelings and behaviors. That should do it for me !
Day 2