*WARNING!*
May contain triggers!
Read at your own risk.
Hello,
I'm Ender and I am about to turn 29. I have been battling my porn addiction since day one and I have finally decided it ends once and for all. I will never forget the day I was first exposed to hardcore pornography. I was just an innocent little boy of 10 when I found my dad's stash of VHS tapes. I remember rushing to open that file cabinet every time I had the house to myself (which, looking back, was way too often. But my parents' lack of parenting skills is another matter). Not long after that, we got high speed internet and I made the switch to internet porn. By that point, porn had become a daily activity. I would wait up late at night, until everyone else was asleep, and sneak onto the family computer and PMO my brains out. To this day, I don't know how I didn't get caught doing this. I quickly climbed the "shock and surprise" ladder and by the age of 14, my fetishes included things like shemales and bestiality. I was a very depressed and lonely teenager, I started self harming around age 12 or 13. If you haven't guessed, my family life was shit and I used porn to numb that pain. Along with video games and my eating disorder, porn was my primary way of dealing with negative emotions. Looking back, I would relive my childhood pain over and over instead of numbing it because of all the pain the porn ended up causing in my life.
When I was 17, I found my first girlfriend. It was a miserable relationship for many reasons I won't go into. But the important bits were how awful the sex was. I have a feeling that my porn addicted brain wasn't feeling it with a real girl. Plus, she was one of the only people I ever told about looking at porn (I didn't realize it was an addiction at the time, so when I told her, it was along the lines of "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple times in my life" [when the more accurate phrase would have been "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple time today"]). Boy did she drag my ass over the coals from admiting to looking at porn, and I had even lied to her and said it all took place before we met. Did I deserve her treating me like shit for looking at smut? Hell yeah I did. But back then I was still too hooked to realize it. Obviously, that relationship was doomed. I became very guarded and went to great lengths to keep my porn watching from her. I ended up dumping her the day I got to college (over text message, like the asshole I was). Looking back, high school was when porn really started taking a toll on my life. My social group shrank considerably from freshman year until I graduated. My depression rose drastically and my first suicide attempts (coming up with a plan and beginning to act on it but chickened right before) also took place here.
College was really rough for me. As you can guess, I was riddled with anxiety and depression. By this point my self hatred had escalated to putting out my cigarettes on myself. I had trouble making friends and staying motivated in school. My first quarter is when my drug and alcohol addictions both started. My "friends" were actually just a small group who shared my addictions and who enabled each other. This was also the time I had my next serious relationship. Just as before, I prefered porn to the real thing. Because of her major and the fact that she was from another country, about half of our relationship was long distance. I actually preferred our Skype sessions to real sex, probably because it activated my porn desires more strongly. Obviously, this relationship didn't last either. Looking back, I see how emotionally and mentally abusive I was to her and it breaks my heart. I don't deserve the love she offered me (not yet at least). After three years of accumulating addictions and bad habits, my academics suffered greatly and the financial plug was pulled. I was forced to drop out of college. From there, things got really dark...
The first thing I did when I dropped out was withdraw my First Communion money. Way back in 2nd grade, when I received my First Communion, I had been given $10,000 (well, it was placed in some kind of invested account to be put into my name when I turned 18). I was told to save this money so I could buy a house one day. But what addict listens to logic and good reasoning? I immediately withdrew the money and used it to get an apartment. From here, I LITERALLY did nothing but look at porn, play video games, look at porn, do drugs, look at porn, eat junk food, look at porn, and get drunk. During this period, I lost contact with everyone I knew from college. After only 3 months, my money ran out. Since I didn't have a job (that would have cut into my porn time) I had to go to my parents. They each agreed to let me live with them, and for the next few years, I was bounced between their houses. I kept pretending to go back to school or look for work, when in reality, I was sleeping all day and staying up all night with porn, video games, and binge eating (I had a hard time affording drugs and alcohol at this point). This was also when my first full suicide attempt took place, landing me in the emergency room and psych ward immediately after. When I was released from hospital, I knew something needed to change. Sadly, it didn't...
I was hoping my suicide attempt would have been a wake up call to my parents, but looking back, it should have been one to me. When their treatment of me didn't change, I decided I was done with them and looked for a way out. Less than a month from being released from the psych ward, I met a guy on an online dating website for furries (one of my fetishes at the time). I moved in with him on the third date and cut all ties with my family. He was also a porn addict like me, and also shared my addiction to video games, drugs (fuck, his roommate was a dealer), and junk food. It was a match made in Hell. Fortunately, this relationship didn't last long (he found me looking at straight porn one too many times) and he dumped me and kicked me out. From here, I became literally homeless. For legal reasons, I need to be careful what I post about this segment of my journey. But to sum it up, I did A LOT of really awful shit to survive. I am still shaking at the depths to which I sank during this period. I also survived two more suicide attempts during this period...
By some sort of miracle, my mom tracked me down and asked if I would move in with her if I agreed to get help for my depression (to this day, she has only seen the tip of iceberg when it comes to my issues). I went along and the therapy definitely helped. I got my first real job, making minimum wage in fast food at 26 fucking sucks, but was a start. However, this only gave me the money to buy drugs. I literally spent all of my time not at work getting high, looking at porn, and playing video games. But I guess it was some form of progress. Well this didn't even last a year. My mom kicked me out and I had just enough saved up to afford a really cheap apartment. I even found a much better job in the proecess (where I currently still work). I guess, big picture, things were looking up. I made several attempts to be social and even dated a little. But in the end, I preferred to be alone in front of a computer screen than pursue the real thing. My depression was better, I haven't tried to kill myself since I was homeless, but was still always there. As you can bet, porn still absorbed a vast majority of my time and energy. While I could appear to have made drastic improvements, I was really just shifting around bad habits to better support my miserable existance. I can't tell you how many different things I blamed that weren't porn. And the couple times I did realize what was actually causing the problem, I quickly convinced myself that I was wrong and that porn would never hurt me.
My first wake up call should have been last summer. See, I wasn't just masturbating to porn, I was also abusing my back enterance. I won't gross you out on those details, but that summer, I had become so aggressive with that practice I had to go to urgent care and see a surgeon. You would think a kick in the ass like that would have been enough to get me to quit. And I did, I think I went porn free for almost two weeks. But as usual, I relapsed and went back to my old ways. This leads me to my current wake up call, the one that landed me here and gave me the strength and perception needed to quit this awful demon.
My porn demon's ultimate downfall is when it tried to manifest itself in my physical life. Yes, I am still laughing maniacally at the irony. Earlier this year, my obsession with porn drove me to the point of buying a sex doll. I won't go into the details of how this changed my life (way too many triggers) but lets just say my apartment became a permanent porn scene. But like all addictions, I wasn't satisfied and ended up buying two more dolls! It was my third doll, #3 (she didn't last long enough to get a real name) that turned out to be my angel in disguise. I only had sex with her twice and became so horribly depressed afterwards it changed something in me. I was horrified at what I had done. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe how emotionally attached I had become to a literal sex object. I was so incredibly angry at myself for buying her, I was literally shaking. There are several holes and dents in my walls that were also a result of this anger. That rage is what lead to my Great Purge. Last week, I chopped my dolls up into little pieces and dismantled their metal frames. I disposed of them and their accessories in 8 garbage bags. I also deleted my 200 gb porn folder (since then, I've already used recovery software twice to restore it, if I try that shit again, I'm taking a hammer to my hard drive). I've even started the process of throwing away my sex toys (I don't think toys are inherently bad, but if they start to trigger me, they will share the fate of my dolls). It has been a really difficult week, but another miracle took place yesterday. I was looking at some porn substitutes (didn't know that phrase at the time, but I'm glad I learned it) when I found a link to the Your Brain On Porn video. Oh. My. God. It was like looking into a mirror. I felt like someone had shined a light on my life and allowed me to see myself with clarity for the first time. I'm still seeing just how huge of an effect porn has had on my life. That video gave me the strength, knowledge, and determination to quit once and for all. It also lead me here, where I will hopefully find some support as I battle this demon.
Now that you've heard my story (those of you who braved it, I thank you), here is where I am at now. Today is Day 1, I did PMO yesterday after watching Your Brain On Porn. But it was a very different session. Thanks to the video, I was able to see exactly how the porn was effecting me, and it lost a lot of it's power! I wasn't nearly as into it or aroused as I normally was. That simple change in awareness had such a big effect. I'm still doing my research on rebooting and reading through all of your beautiful success stories (hopefully mine will be just as inspirational one day) so I don't have a hard set of rules, but here is what I am thinking:
-No Porn or Subs (this is the only rule I am sure about so far and shouldn't need explaining)
-No masturbation for at least a week, maybe two (still doing research on this one, I know I need to get through the first couple weeks before any form of sex can safely reintroduced)
-No video games (these are a huge trigger for me, not entirely sure why. I think video games share a similar addiction area of the brain or something? If anyone has any information on video game addiction, I would be very grateful)
-No booze or drugs (I've been off the hard shit for years, and the soft stuff for about 3 months. I did have a lot to drink when I cut up my dolls, so only a week sober there).
-No TV or Movies (like video games, these are big triggers for me. I also deleted my TV/Movie folder when I deleted my porn folder).
I have a lot more I want to say, but this post has already become much longer than I anticipated. But I actually think it's best if I leave some thoughts left unsaid. They will be encouragement to come back here and say them tomorrow, and the next, and the next...
And seriously, thank you to anyone who took the time to read my journal. I know my experiences sounds extreme, and possibly even unreal. But I assure you, this is the reality I have lived. And I've even left out some of the worst bits (like being abused as a child). Remember, it's not a competition to see who has suffered the most. Instead, let us make it a cooperation to see how much we can help each other and improve our lives.
Sir Ender
May contain triggers!
Read at your own risk.
Hello,
I'm Ender and I am about to turn 29. I have been battling my porn addiction since day one and I have finally decided it ends once and for all. I will never forget the day I was first exposed to hardcore pornography. I was just an innocent little boy of 10 when I found my dad's stash of VHS tapes. I remember rushing to open that file cabinet every time I had the house to myself (which, looking back, was way too often. But my parents' lack of parenting skills is another matter). Not long after that, we got high speed internet and I made the switch to internet porn. By that point, porn had become a daily activity. I would wait up late at night, until everyone else was asleep, and sneak onto the family computer and PMO my brains out. To this day, I don't know how I didn't get caught doing this. I quickly climbed the "shock and surprise" ladder and by the age of 14, my fetishes included things like shemales and bestiality. I was a very depressed and lonely teenager, I started self harming around age 12 or 13. If you haven't guessed, my family life was shit and I used porn to numb that pain. Along with video games and my eating disorder, porn was my primary way of dealing with negative emotions. Looking back, I would relive my childhood pain over and over instead of numbing it because of all the pain the porn ended up causing in my life.
When I was 17, I found my first girlfriend. It was a miserable relationship for many reasons I won't go into. But the important bits were how awful the sex was. I have a feeling that my porn addicted brain wasn't feeling it with a real girl. Plus, she was one of the only people I ever told about looking at porn (I didn't realize it was an addiction at the time, so when I told her, it was along the lines of "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple times in my life" [when the more accurate phrase would have been "yeah, I've looked at porn a couple time today"]). Boy did she drag my ass over the coals from admiting to looking at porn, and I had even lied to her and said it all took place before we met. Did I deserve her treating me like shit for looking at smut? Hell yeah I did. But back then I was still too hooked to realize it. Obviously, that relationship was doomed. I became very guarded and went to great lengths to keep my porn watching from her. I ended up dumping her the day I got to college (over text message, like the asshole I was). Looking back, high school was when porn really started taking a toll on my life. My social group shrank considerably from freshman year until I graduated. My depression rose drastically and my first suicide attempts (coming up with a plan and beginning to act on it but chickened right before) also took place here.
College was really rough for me. As you can guess, I was riddled with anxiety and depression. By this point my self hatred had escalated to putting out my cigarettes on myself. I had trouble making friends and staying motivated in school. My first quarter is when my drug and alcohol addictions both started. My "friends" were actually just a small group who shared my addictions and who enabled each other. This was also the time I had my next serious relationship. Just as before, I prefered porn to the real thing. Because of her major and the fact that she was from another country, about half of our relationship was long distance. I actually preferred our Skype sessions to real sex, probably because it activated my porn desires more strongly. Obviously, this relationship didn't last either. Looking back, I see how emotionally and mentally abusive I was to her and it breaks my heart. I don't deserve the love she offered me (not yet at least). After three years of accumulating addictions and bad habits, my academics suffered greatly and the financial plug was pulled. I was forced to drop out of college. From there, things got really dark...
The first thing I did when I dropped out was withdraw my First Communion money. Way back in 2nd grade, when I received my First Communion, I had been given $10,000 (well, it was placed in some kind of invested account to be put into my name when I turned 18). I was told to save this money so I could buy a house one day. But what addict listens to logic and good reasoning? I immediately withdrew the money and used it to get an apartment. From here, I LITERALLY did nothing but look at porn, play video games, look at porn, do drugs, look at porn, eat junk food, look at porn, and get drunk. During this period, I lost contact with everyone I knew from college. After only 3 months, my money ran out. Since I didn't have a job (that would have cut into my porn time) I had to go to my parents. They each agreed to let me live with them, and for the next few years, I was bounced between their houses. I kept pretending to go back to school or look for work, when in reality, I was sleeping all day and staying up all night with porn, video games, and binge eating (I had a hard time affording drugs and alcohol at this point). This was also when my first full suicide attempt took place, landing me in the emergency room and psych ward immediately after. When I was released from hospital, I knew something needed to change. Sadly, it didn't...
I was hoping my suicide attempt would have been a wake up call to my parents, but looking back, it should have been one to me. When their treatment of me didn't change, I decided I was done with them and looked for a way out. Less than a month from being released from the psych ward, I met a guy on an online dating website for furries (one of my fetishes at the time). I moved in with him on the third date and cut all ties with my family. He was also a porn addict like me, and also shared my addiction to video games, drugs (fuck, his roommate was a dealer), and junk food. It was a match made in Hell. Fortunately, this relationship didn't last long (he found me looking at straight porn one too many times) and he dumped me and kicked me out. From here, I became literally homeless. For legal reasons, I need to be careful what I post about this segment of my journey. But to sum it up, I did A LOT of really awful shit to survive. I am still shaking at the depths to which I sank during this period. I also survived two more suicide attempts during this period...
By some sort of miracle, my mom tracked me down and asked if I would move in with her if I agreed to get help for my depression (to this day, she has only seen the tip of iceberg when it comes to my issues). I went along and the therapy definitely helped. I got my first real job, making minimum wage in fast food at 26 fucking sucks, but was a start. However, this only gave me the money to buy drugs. I literally spent all of my time not at work getting high, looking at porn, and playing video games. But I guess it was some form of progress. Well this didn't even last a year. My mom kicked me out and I had just enough saved up to afford a really cheap apartment. I even found a much better job in the proecess (where I currently still work). I guess, big picture, things were looking up. I made several attempts to be social and even dated a little. But in the end, I preferred to be alone in front of a computer screen than pursue the real thing. My depression was better, I haven't tried to kill myself since I was homeless, but was still always there. As you can bet, porn still absorbed a vast majority of my time and energy. While I could appear to have made drastic improvements, I was really just shifting around bad habits to better support my miserable existance. I can't tell you how many different things I blamed that weren't porn. And the couple times I did realize what was actually causing the problem, I quickly convinced myself that I was wrong and that porn would never hurt me.
My first wake up call should have been last summer. See, I wasn't just masturbating to porn, I was also abusing my back enterance. I won't gross you out on those details, but that summer, I had become so aggressive with that practice I had to go to urgent care and see a surgeon. You would think a kick in the ass like that would have been enough to get me to quit. And I did, I think I went porn free for almost two weeks. But as usual, I relapsed and went back to my old ways. This leads me to my current wake up call, the one that landed me here and gave me the strength and perception needed to quit this awful demon.
My porn demon's ultimate downfall is when it tried to manifest itself in my physical life. Yes, I am still laughing maniacally at the irony. Earlier this year, my obsession with porn drove me to the point of buying a sex doll. I won't go into the details of how this changed my life (way too many triggers) but lets just say my apartment became a permanent porn scene. But like all addictions, I wasn't satisfied and ended up buying two more dolls! It was my third doll, #3 (she didn't last long enough to get a real name) that turned out to be my angel in disguise. I only had sex with her twice and became so horribly depressed afterwards it changed something in me. I was horrified at what I had done. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe how emotionally attached I had become to a literal sex object. I was so incredibly angry at myself for buying her, I was literally shaking. There are several holes and dents in my walls that were also a result of this anger. That rage is what lead to my Great Purge. Last week, I chopped my dolls up into little pieces and dismantled their metal frames. I disposed of them and their accessories in 8 garbage bags. I also deleted my 200 gb porn folder (since then, I've already used recovery software twice to restore it, if I try that shit again, I'm taking a hammer to my hard drive). I've even started the process of throwing away my sex toys (I don't think toys are inherently bad, but if they start to trigger me, they will share the fate of my dolls). It has been a really difficult week, but another miracle took place yesterday. I was looking at some porn substitutes (didn't know that phrase at the time, but I'm glad I learned it) when I found a link to the Your Brain On Porn video. Oh. My. God. It was like looking into a mirror. I felt like someone had shined a light on my life and allowed me to see myself with clarity for the first time. I'm still seeing just how huge of an effect porn has had on my life. That video gave me the strength, knowledge, and determination to quit once and for all. It also lead me here, where I will hopefully find some support as I battle this demon.
Now that you've heard my story (those of you who braved it, I thank you), here is where I am at now. Today is Day 1, I did PMO yesterday after watching Your Brain On Porn. But it was a very different session. Thanks to the video, I was able to see exactly how the porn was effecting me, and it lost a lot of it's power! I wasn't nearly as into it or aroused as I normally was. That simple change in awareness had such a big effect. I'm still doing my research on rebooting and reading through all of your beautiful success stories (hopefully mine will be just as inspirational one day) so I don't have a hard set of rules, but here is what I am thinking:
-No Porn or Subs (this is the only rule I am sure about so far and shouldn't need explaining)
-No masturbation for at least a week, maybe two (still doing research on this one, I know I need to get through the first couple weeks before any form of sex can safely reintroduced)
-No video games (these are a huge trigger for me, not entirely sure why. I think video games share a similar addiction area of the brain or something? If anyone has any information on video game addiction, I would be very grateful)
-No booze or drugs (I've been off the hard shit for years, and the soft stuff for about 3 months. I did have a lot to drink when I cut up my dolls, so only a week sober there).
-No TV or Movies (like video games, these are big triggers for me. I also deleted my TV/Movie folder when I deleted my porn folder).
I have a lot more I want to say, but this post has already become much longer than I anticipated. But I actually think it's best if I leave some thoughts left unsaid. They will be encouragement to come back here and say them tomorrow, and the next, and the next...
And seriously, thank you to anyone who took the time to read my journal. I know my experiences sounds extreme, and possibly even unreal. But I assure you, this is the reality I have lived. And I've even left out some of the worst bits (like being abused as a child). Remember, it's not a competition to see who has suffered the most. Instead, let us make it a cooperation to see how much we can help each other and improve our lives.
Sir Ender