HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the well wishes and support. It means a lot to me.

I feel bad in a weird way for not being as present and supportive to you guys as much as I normally was the past weeks. I've been struggling with my health and one of the things that has also been impacted by this is my cognitive performance. I have noticed that understanding and keeping up with the things I read is difficult (even more so in English since it's not my mother tongue). That's what I haven't been so active in posting in the other threads. And although I have no obligation to do so, i feel bad about it. Also because I miss it. I like the idea of being supportive because in my opinion it's one of the biggest virtues a person can have.

That being said, in response to orbiters question; yes i do have positive things to pick up. It sometimes is difficult to properly get a persons way of thinking on a forum due to the lack of intonation and facial expression but I am in fact a really positive guy. So I do always try to make the best of everything.  One of the pitfalls in this is that I sometimes tend to be overly positive about things i.e. supressing the real emotions. But that is something that has greatly improved while on this forum (Yay forum). But while at home I do still bond more and more with the Mrs.
The night before yesterday we had a 3 hour conversation about the addiction and some of the more extreme aspecst of it (one if which is my P induced preference which now sickens me and quite possibly traumatized me) and that is something that she found really, really difficult to process. It has been something that we have not really discussed and also something that I have not fully come to terms with. But although this conversation was dreadfully heavy to discuss we did it with the outcome that we grew more and more together. It has had quite an impact on both of us the next day but I also found that it rejuvinated my sencee of commitment to getting rid of P.

One other thing is that I've been playing the piano a lot more lately. I've been picking up theory and technique as well as picking up my own composition as well and trying some more challenging pieces. Right now I'm breaking my fingers at two pieces. The first is from Debussy; Tarantell styrienne. It's difficult but making progress is really rewarding. The other one is called The heart asks pleasure first from Michael Nyman. Not as difficult to play, but the intonation between hands is somewhat challenging.

Another thing positive is the half yearly appraisal at work that I had. Most of the areas at work i've been praised above average with the exeption of all things regarding planning and prioritizing. Those are true struggles for me. But I hope that the book Rewire: Change your brain will help me with that in a way that it will help me to not procrastinate planning and organisation as I always do. With a shoutout to UKGuy who  got the tip from WorkInProgressUK.

The health department is still ups and downs... Right now I have a big cold of which I hope is not COVID (Again).. I've had myself tested and hope to get the results today or tomorrow. Other than that still dealing with fatigue but sleep is getting better.


Thanks for reading guys!

Stay safe

 

[Joel]

Wishing you a speedy recovery, bud!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Belated Birthday congratulations Shade.

You are on the right track, even though P and other things are challenging you. Stay with it, sooner or later you will succeed.
Get well soon, focus your energy!

Imsor

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey guys.

Lately i've been talking a lot about my health and not my addiction. So today I will talk more about my addiction.

In the conversation I had with the mrs. a couple of days ago we discussed the extreme preference i have developed due to years of porn use. It somehow is something that i still have not fully come to terms with. It's something that disgusts me and worse, i still have flashes towards. Because I find it difficult to come to terms with it i notice that it has been pushed to the back of my mind. But the problem with this is that i cannot process it. I'm afraid to face that part of myself. But in order to change myself i have to get over this fear and face my former self. I did not really know how untill this afternoon.

I had a therapy session and i explained the situation to her (she knows about the addiction) and she mentioned that allowing and facing this part of myself is a perfect exercise for my mindfulness practices. I can conjur up the thoughts/feelings that I have about my p induced preferences and observe them without judgement. Try to work towards acceptance of that part of me. After a small while I will have to focus on the now and try to let go of that part of myself. I'll see for the coming days how this will work out.

Also, now that I have gotten some good sleep days in I can see more clearly now that my days have been unstructured and without purpose. This in itself is not a bad thing when everything is in order. But this is not the case here. I find that I have limited energy and I need to spend it well because if i do not do so, I will create pitfalls and opportunity for the addiction. The remedy to this is that I start using my daily planner again. In any case it will help me conserve energy as well because as a person with ADHD i need the structure. Without structure my life is a series of events bound together by a thin wire that seems to have no order. And to be honest it is like that most of the time. It's the same as with the addiction; you have to fully acknowlegde it before you can do something about it. But somehow i've never really accepted the fact that I have it and by doing so i've blocked a lot of my own potential and created negative unconsious patterns in my life that are now very hard to get rid of (again, same as with the addiction).


That's it for now, thanks for reading

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Shade,

just dropping a late comment before going to bed.

We all have come to places with the addiction we wished we never entered, but we did. I'd say, i didn't voluntarily want to see the stuff i've seen, it was the addiction holding my hand leading me deeper and deeper in the rabbit hole. So much for who is to blame for. Now, with the education of PMO i know that extreme preferences are symptoms and is nothing i want to experience in real life.
If advice is welcomed, i'd say you can accept what happened and face that it was there until you get the feeling of 'you are okay with it'. At this point this symptom is weak, at every other point the symptom is present. In general i don't think that this aspect needs a lot of enlightment, but this only counts for me. We all have our own ways. One last thing came in my mind: Maybe it's the perfect place to talk about this in your therapy session and not with the wife to protect her from that. She then knows 'he's handling that in therapy' and mustn't have concerns about it, to strictly separate this part.

Get well soon.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

To quote the legendary popstar Britney Spears; " Oops I did it again".. Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...

I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

I've decided not to tell the wife of this instance. I want to, I really do because I find a lot of comfort in being honest and open about this. I also don't like lying about this. The lying about it is what tore me up before everythign was out in the open. It made me feel so alone and isolated from my wife.
But at the moment it's the lesser of two evils. During her recovery from COVID minor disturbances between us have a lot of impact on her mood and that is reflected in her sleep and general wellbeing which is affecting her recovery. So I have to be strong and manage this instance on my own because she cannot cope with the extra burden of knowing that I relapsed. Luckily I have you guys so not all is lost.

So, what have I learned from this?

1. Again, small triggers and peeking build up to a relapse 9 out of 10 times
2. Phone in the bedroom (i managed to do 2 nights without before it re-entered)
3. Sleep routine; make sure I am better able to sleep so no energizing activities 1 hour before bed
4. Keep learning about my pitfalls and learn to rewire my brain



Thanks for reading guys

 

[Icandoit]

Today is day 1 unfortunately. It was a build up of a couple of days that went from a trigger (I can't even remember what it was, only that I had it) to quickly looking at some P, then putting it away and yesterday night not being able to sleep, peeking at my phone then going downstairs to eat some and then being seduced to give in...

I guess everybody has been through stuff like this. I certainly did. Actually, I'm going through it right now. I've been triggered hard yesterday and now I feel that hand trying to push me to relapse. But messing with porn never leads to anything good. Our brain is used to abuse and it won't be satisfied with "just a little". Maybe it's not today, not tomorrow, but it builds up eventually. No porn touching is the only sure way to avoid going out of control, that's why it's a terrible idea to spend time online unless you really need it.

I've noticed that the mental defences were not enough and there was some form of very toxic self serving bias (my brain convincing me that it is awesome and great etc and that it's not so bad. Just a quick one won't hurt you)

The stupid thing is that just before bed I read something posted by UKGuy and PE30 about having a choice and the impact of that choice. When looked at objectively the choice is very clear, but if it is you the addict having to make the choice while having urges your mind does a wondrous job in clouding your every sense of judgement. It's old brainpaths to new ones and this instance has shown me how deeprooted the addiction is. It felt so 'normal' to do the bad thing and so hard, strange and not ok to do the good thing. It's moments like these that show just how embedded this addiction is and how hardwired it is into my brain..

Of course, the brain will try anything for dopamine. What I've noticed is that thinking about the post-binge misery never really helped me. After a binge, I would tell myself "this is the last time, I will remember how I feel right now and never let myself feel like this again", only to "forget" about all this in a week. It's like the misery is a distant memory now that doesn't feel bad anymore. I had to think about a different approach to this. A lot of guys used to tell me: "Think about how you feel after a relapse." I did, but it felt so distant and not painful at all.

As addicts we should never negotiate with the addiction. I can't remember how many times I've told myself: "I will only do one PMO, 15 minutes, one scene, cause the urges are killing me and then go on. It can't hurt me that much, right?" Only to see myself murdered by the chaser effect and binging and edging all day without control. Which brings me to what I said above: If you don't touch it, you can't burn yourself. There is really no room for "a little" when it comes to addictions. This is something that we have to learn: To stay away completely from stimulation. Staying away completely from searching for anything stimulating and avoiding the hypersexualized thoughts. Starving the addiction. Only like this we can win. It's not easy, especially the thoughts part, but it's a must.

 

[Andrew1973]

Hey Shade,
Worry not my friend - the horse's stirrups are very welcoming when we fall.
I know you are very switched on with your emotional awareness, but I have a practical observation which I thought mentioning...
Would I be correct in recollecting that most of the Britney moments occur at night time (or very early morning)?
I recently got into a habit of waking up in the early hours and going for breakfast cereal before going straight back to sleep. I started to believe that it was necessary to go and eat the cereal before I could go back to sleep which was of course nonsense - I do make sure though now that I eat some for supper immediately before bed if we've eaten our main meal early.
Even if waking in the night and going downstairs is something that you can't avoid (and I know you struggle with sleep at times), I presume there is no reason at all why you need your phone at night? Is there something that you could do to build a bit of a barrier to the phone at those times? - as daft as it sounds, I heard once of a guy investing in a safe with an access timer (they're available on Amazon!). It did the trick for him.
It might be something you could share with your wife and ask for her support in - a positive development rather than an admission which may distress her?
Either way, take care.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Shade,

i'm not a fan of making Britney jokes in terms of PMO relapse. It's just the funny approach, that doesn't feel right, for me.

I think you should do something about the situations of relapse with serious measures. You know about the situations which are hard, you know that all. If you have the power right now, try to do something against it.
Relapsing is one thing, but seeing triggers, knowing that a phone at night isn't helping at all and still do it, sounds a bit ambiguous to me.

If i'd be a doctor with PMO as a special expertise, i'd advice 10 days of no phone from 8 pm to 8 am. Exceptions, ask the wife.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys,

Thanks all for the much valued input.

@Icandoit Messing with porn will virtually always lead to no good, no matter the form. I think that a zero tolerance policy should be used in this. What you mentioned about your brain telling you 'just one last time' and then to forget all about that is something that I really recognize. This is something that for me, directly correlates to something UKGuy said and Imsorrynotsorry also observed.

@UKGuy and @Imsorry, you are both totally right in the fact that I am aware of a lot of things on an emotional level but the practical side of things is where I leave a big openening in terms of defenses. I know what my triggers are, when they are, what could happen and how I would feel, yet I do not anticipate myself in these moments. I act as if I can beat it on willpower alone. This is ambiguous indeed seeing as it directly goes against something I say in the 6 point plan; I cannot will it away.

So if I am completely honest with myself (which you should always be in beating an addiction) I could say that I was fooling myself the last couple of weeks and that I have not given the addiction all the attention and effort that I should have given it. In this case, I have myself to blame for the relapse and not the addiction.

So thanks Icandoit and UKGuy for the support and thanks Imsorrynotsorry for telling me how it is!

 

[Andrew1973]

Don't be too hard on yourself Shade - self kindness not self blame! You've had a lot to contend with recently.
I think the role of the practical interventions are to recognise that we can't beat it by will power alone, or to use WIPUK's metaphor that the 'path to Brighton' is wider and more well worn. The practical interventions are there to put a roadblock on the path to Brighton and force us down a different route whilst the weeds and bushes grow on the path making it less easy to take in the future. Take care and have a good day.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Short update, i have been busy. I did manage to keep the phone out of the bedroom since my last relapse. Sleep has improved and therefore less urge to relapse.


Will update more elaborate soon.


Take care guys

 

[Andrew1973]

Great news Shade. Sounds really encouraging on both fronts - no PMO and better sleep. Have a good day.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys,

A more elaborate post today as promised. I've let the forum slip to the background the last couple of days, it's something I don't like.

Had a rough weekend, some struggles with the wife. Because she's still struggling with that damn covid virus she's still fragile. But, I've been ignoring my own symptoms as well. Because lately, besides the bouts of fatigue, i've been having a lot of brain fog. Not the post PMO brain fog but a covid brain fog. After PMO its a day, maybe 3 in bad situations. But the last couple of weeks have been a haze for me. I didn't even see it myself, it had to be pointed out to me. So because of this i've been extra forgetful, scattered and frankly left me in a unaware state of mind most of the time. This also explains the relapses i've had the past weeks.

Now, as learned from previous posts and comments; I know what's going on; now how am I to respond to counter it.
As said yesterday, my phone has not been in the bedroom for almost a week now and I've experienced it as very positive.
I've talked with my manager and informed him of the stuggles i'm having on the cognitive part and I'm making a doctors appointment. If only for having it documented.
I've started using more to do lists at work and at home. It's not perfect but I'm working on it.
Actively trying to watch less tv (which is something I easily do when I'm tired) and replace it by walking, going on here or reading a book
The other thing I think I need is to approach situations with an approach similar like the 6PP, key point being that I recognize that I am tired or scattered. Because in those situations I am most susceptible to a relapse.

That's it for today, thanks for reading guys!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

As said yesterday, my phone has not been in the bedroom for almost a week now and I've experienced it as very positive.

A key sentence for me. Changes like that are easy and only need a few discipline but they can work great positive energy. Hold on to that.

How do you feel when it comes to your self esteem? Do you do enough for your good state of self-being?

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks Imsorrynotsorry,


As well as the phone not being in the bedroom is going. I've noticed that being alone with my phone is a trigger on its own. I do carry it with me all the time. But I also always know where it is. So for instance when I am going for a bath, I will bring it and that in itself is a relapse possibility. If I am going for a nap in our bedroom and I bring my phone with me (which would be a violation of the no phone rule) it is a chance for a relapse.

conclusion is not that my phone is the relapse trigger, but the question of why do I feel the need to bring my phone with me to occasions where I am supposed to unwind and relax?" To me this question at the moment is an important one.

 

[Icandoit]

Thanks Imsorrynotsorry,


As well as the phone not being in the bedroom is going. I've noticed that being alone with my phone is a trigger on its own. I do carry it with me all the time. But I also always know where it is. So for instance when I am going for a bath, I will bring it and that in itself is a relapse possibility. If I am going for a nap in our bedroom and I bring my phone with me (which would be a violation of the no phone rule) it is a chance for a relapse.

conclusion is not that my phone is the relapse trigger, but the question of why do I feel the need to bring my phone with me to occasions where I am supposed to unwind and relax?" To me this question at the moment is an important one.

The brain associates things with porn relapses. It could be entering your bedroom where you watch porn all the time, it could be bringing the phone with you to your room because you watch porn on your phone etc. Dopamine raises and it makes you feel good and that watching porn is the best thing you could do in that moment. Rearranging things around to trick those associations could help, like moving the computer away from your room, living the phone outside etc. It's like, when I went to work, I didn't experience any urges but when I returned home and entered my room BAM! Before I knew, I jumped on the chair in front of the computer and pistoned my leg up and down impatiently while waiting the computer to turn on.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I see the complexicity and it is the exact same thing with me or almost everyone today, who uses as smartphone. We're 'married' to them. For me it helped to make some digital detox, like deleting all unnecessary apps (especially social media and games), don't use my phone when there are other people around me, which is way more respectful in my opinion, but i'm a hardliner on this.

What i really wanted to point out: You've decided to let the phone outside of the bedroom. This is going well so far. Now, how much discomfort does this cause you? Is this something you can imagine doing 6 months? If yes, decide on yourself how long you want that to happen. With that strategy i want to avoid you looking at every situation in your life with the phone and just start with one very specific situation. All the other situations you can point out later.

 

[Orbiter]

Personally i'm a firm believer in both leaving phones out of the bedroom and minimizing the concerning dependency we all have on them in general. It's such a simple thing to do but the difference it can make to our lives is considerable. I banned my phone from the bedroom mid last year and since then i've made leaps and bounds not only in my ability to stay clean for longer periods of time but also my sleep has improved considerably without having it as a crutch. Also I feel the time between going to bed and falling asleep is an important time of the day to reflect, process and, if necessary, accept and make peace with the events of the day. Obviously these are merely my views and experiences and we're all different, but I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing all the same as it clearly works.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys, thanks for all of your imput, support, advice and general recognition of the things I struggle with, I post it in newcomers threads often, but the recognition from other fellow (ex)addicts really helps you feel less alone.

Icandoit; You are totally right in the fact that my associative mind correlates my phone in bed  and being on the computer/laptop at midnight with porn use.  Regarding the dopamine thing; what I've also noticed is that when i do peek at P but not MO i also get cranky and thrown of the next day. Like i've had a placebo encounter in which the brain expects certain behaviour but does not get it..What you describe as coming home and somehow magically sitting behind the computes is what I had when the wife went out and I was home alone. That would be an instant click and all of a sudden in sitting behind the screen pants on my ankles so to speak..

Imsorrynotsorry; we are married to those devices. It's funny that a device that could bring humanity so much good is wasted on dumb mindless and useless stuff like social media, gossip, spreading of hate and porn. I already deleted fb a couple of years ago and the only 'stupid' thing i now watch is 9gag.. But i've already deleted that app a while ago and I now occasionally browse it.. But I don't know why it brings me nothing.

I also like what you said about the question of how much discomfort not having my phone in the bedroom brings me, because i've asked myself that question as well. And the answer is zero; in fact it adds comfort.

Orbiter; I to have noticed an increase in sleep quality and the wife and I now also use it in terms to reflect on the day. We ask eachother the following questions; 1, name three things you are happy with today 2. What are you grateful for today? This really helps in getting closer to eachother but also in seeing the positive things in life.


That all being said; I did relapse two nights ago so today is day 2. As you might expect; the expected pitfall. We slept downstairs due to the heat (it was 37/38 (98 - 100 for the american people on here) ) because there we have airconditioning. But i couldnt sleep so I've decided to try it upstairs in bed and in an oblivious state i brought my phone. Couldnt sleep and PMO'd to pictures. It was as short one, but a relapse none the less.

The next day I did tell my wife who was, of course, very supportive and forgiving. Today we also talked about it and I told her about the previous lapses in judgement. The conclusion is that the main problem is sleep related. This has been especially hard during the times that I myself had difficulty sleeping due covid. We also discussed that I find it hard to get a long period clean of relapses. So we've mutually decided that I am going to focus on a single month for starters. And then we will observe, recollect and look forward again. But the following rules apply; no phones in my direct vicinity. Active website blocking via my PiHole raspberry Pi device (this is something I use for blocking adds, so why not use it for blocking porn? And a fully open and transparent policy towards when I have had a relapse or only peeked at porn. This last thing is important because i've noticed that although i thought it was best not to tell at certain times, that the stress of not telling was also a trigger.


Thanks for reading guys