HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys.

So I have something to share on day 12. I thought day 12 would be an amazing day because I just had intimacy with the wife and it was amazing. But, today some really nasty old habits came to the surface today of which i thought i'dd shed them. Somehow it seems that the whole concept of orgasm for me is linked to that dopamine dip or something that comes after it because today i was snappy and inpatient with my wife. While i did not experience the negativity and shame like after a PMO i do feel the bad mood the day after. WTF is this shit? My wife was really hurt because she took a big leap of faith in approaching me and she had to muster up a lot of courage to take that step. And while the intimacy and the evening after was wonderful, somehow I started this day in a very snappy and annoying way. And this is how it used to be, almost always the day after sex i was more distant, testy and in general not a nice person to be around. So for her it felt like she was punished for showing vulnerability and opening up, she felt used in a way. And I understand that, because this kind of behaviour is something I want to let go so much. In hindsight it might have been something that I could have seen coming or at least could have anticipated.

My question to you gents is; do you have any similar experiences?


There is also the matter of addressing that yesterday while my wife was at physical therapy the thoughts of PMO in my mind were much more severe than I described because it took me a lot of effort on not giving in. Frankly I should have gone out the house myself when she went out just to be on the safe side. The whole situation this morning and the severity of the urges yesterday show me that I still have a long way to go and that I simply was complacant and overconfident in myself. Maybe even subconsiously setting myself up.

I say subconsiously setting myself up becuase there is also a similar thing happening with me that UKGuy described in his post about his relapse; letting go of mindfulness, eating less healthy, not working out . In general not taking care of myself. To me taking care of myself equals self love and self love is for me the ultimate motivation for getting rid of P addiction. It has in fact been a slow decline over a period of months into my old habits and i think that another relapse could soon have been expected if i would have followed this path.

What happened today with my wife has shook me to my core into how deep rooted this addiction is and it has shown me that I bullshitted myself once again.


So what's next?

Simple preventive measures
Entered Cisco Family DNS into router
Blocked various websites on router (to be on the safe side)
Reset the router password and my wife has set a new password.
Thinking about a way to block mobile access to sites

Self care
Eating more stable and healthy (join my wifes endeavors)
Working out ( Join my wifes exercise time )
Start the day with a mindfulness meditation / ACT meditation



I have got to shed my old ways of which i part so difficult with

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Shade,

Sounds like a very difficult flood of urges & emotions you are going through right now. From my experience, when I was going through the early stages of rewiring the last time I was in a relationship, I had a very similar dopamine dip/emotional crash to PMO-ing after each time, I personally think this is due to the association of intimacy & PMO. The good news is that I found after more 'moments of intimacy' the comedown & chaser became less severe to the point where it was quite easily manageable and I could just enjoy the afterglow without having to worry about any consequences. This is I believe a big part of rewiring.

Have you talked with her and explained your feelings? I'm sure you have but if not, I feel this could go a long way as this could be the start of such an enjoyable journey for both of you, it would be a shame for it to stop at the first hurdle. At the end of the day, you know what the right thing for you is better that I do but I do feel this is a natural part of the process of healing.

All of this can be managed either way because now you know what can happen, you're prepared and you've got strategies to address it. Stay the course you've set for yourself and I feel like you have a lot to look forward to.

Keep up the great work!

EDIT: Don't forget to exercise forgiveness & compassion to yourself as well. This is part of the process & part of healing. Your good intentions, love for your wife and desire to grow are what truly matter.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I experienced similar emotional states. Me blaming my GF for things for instance.

But in general when someone is avoiding the drug, the brain reacts to this with grumpy mood or angriness or frustration. This is how it wants to turn us back to PMO, so i think some mood swings are relatively normal until the brain and the organism are rebalanced.

 

[Leonidas]

I am in the less experienced category, but I'll offer this: the tug of war or hot-and-cold behavior is something that borders on the norm.  Get too near and the reaction is to push away; be too distant and the reaction is a curious desire to be near!  Might the vulnerably she offered be something that is 'too much to handle' and make you run for the hills?  What kind of dynamic between you and her do you imagine working out as 'just right'?  Mind you, you are probably 10 steps ahead of anyone who has yet to establish a romantic relationship: the hardest part is to vanquish fear of intimacy and to stop the cycle of avoidance present in so many of us in recovery.

As Orbiter mentioned, self-compassion is where it's at.  It means forgiving yourself for past transgressions but also caring for your health, through exercise, diet and social connection.

As for the router/modem stuff: I believe the best filter you can offer yourself is the one in your own brain.  From what I have heard from others and my own experience, the less reliant one is on passwords and filters, the better off one is.

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Shade,
I'm delighted that you and your wife got to the point where you felt you wanted to explore some intimacy again and hope that this is reflective of Mrs T's improving health, and your sexual reawakening as a couple - you both deserve that.
I think Orbiter nails it 100% with his comments. Openness, honesty, love, self compassion, and the courage and patience to keep trying together as you work towards fulfilling your potential together.
I think that progress in this regard can perhaps help your overall struggle, but of course that can't be the primary motivation for intimacy together (which I know it's not with you as you are a very selfless guy).
Good luck my friend and look forward to hearing how you both get on. Rooting for both of you!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all the responses, support, pointers and advice. Whenever I log on and see that, it warms my heart. The love i'm getting from this forum is one of the things that keeps me fighting to beat this addiction. For my wife it was also a relief that there was recognition in your comments. For her this is the confirmation that it is indeed addiction related and that it's final.

@orbiter; I have / we have talked about our feelings and dealing with them, especially short after 'the incident' is quite emotional because there is a world of old hurt hiding behind that single incident. Two days ago we went to the beach, walked along the shoreline and talked about that we are both still fighting for it and that this is just a first hurdle as you said.

@imsorrynotsorry, thanks for sharing that, it was a relief for me and the Mrs to read that it's not just me.

@Leonidas thanks for the insight! I don't know exactly how to respond to your question about running for the hills in the face of vulnerability; but there si definitely something going on in that area. I know that for sure. It was I who opened up and presented myself as vulnerable and it was great. It's actually where I see myself and us going to. I was always very closed and robotic during intimacy. So being open for once was an eye opener for the both  of us. The fear of intimacy is something that i do indeed need to address to stop that cycle of avoidance. It is one of the key, maybe even THE key-factor in my whole recovery process.

You are also right about the modem/filter stuff but I was feeling a bit out of it and felt the need to secure every option.

@UKGuy Thanks for the kind words and support. Great point you make about the progress being used on the overal struggle. I've been thinking about this and looking for a way to seam it into the grand scheme of things regarding beating the addiction.


The whole forgiveness and self-love is still something i do not actively, i've noticed this two nights ago because I set myself up to relapse once more. I was once again in bed could not sleep hungry as hell and really warm. So instead of going downstairs without my mobile phone i took it with me. Ate some, drank some and BOOM all of a sudden i'm watching P and gave in. Stupid thing about all the filters and stuff; IF i turn wifi off on my phone; no more filters. Once again i am self-sabotaging. Something was different about this specific relapse because of the aftermath. Unlike other times the fact that I just relapsed really hit me hard. I went to bed again and still couldn't sleep. My mind kept racing as if it could not connect the dots. I felt lost and without myself, could not understand why I relapsed just a day after the intimacy with the wife and the incident thereafter. "WHY?" i asked myself. Somehow i got really sad and I've actually spent a good half hour crying in bed. I kept going on about why I did it, why so short after the incident and why I keep setting myself up to fail.

That is the main question I'm getting out of this; I set myself up to fail; why do I want that. And with that question I keep coming back to self love and self forgiveness. I have no answer at this moment, but I feel that this is the direction i need to walk in.



today is day 2!

I've got planned out for today:
ACT meditation with the wife
healthy breakfast with the wife
Workout with the wife
Therapy
Visiting family for lunch which I am looking forward to

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 3,

I've noticed a very obvious bump in my mood for the past 3 days after the relapse. I have been glum and feeling overal demotivated and down.
Luckily i've recognized this feeling and took control by making a small planning each morning even though I really did not want to. But it has helped me a lot the past days. It helped me in giving me purpose and direction. Also, every time i've felt a negative emotion or mood coming up i've tried to address it by saying it out loud to myself or the wife. This has led to me being able to separate my temporary negative feelings from my actual self. In doing so my mood greatly improved and I was able to enjoy the last days.

Last 3 days every day i've started with meditation and a small workout. After this post I am going for a short run (my stamina is really bad) but I need the sense of accomplishment. Later on today I will fix some roofing and do some gardening!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hey Shade - did you ever read that book 'Stop Thinking and Start Living'? It has some really good bits in about mood and the relation to thoughts. Listening to what you are currently saying, I think it may help. Enjoy your run, have a great weekend and take care.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Shade,

I'm thankful for your honesty. I can understand how you feel and i want to tell you be soft with yourself, you are fighting against it and we can't win every battle. You again learned something, might it be big or small, but this is the right way, coming here and reflecting.

Your relapse could have something to do with the O you had with the wife. This can also induce a chaser. Have you ever thought of going hard mode? No O at all costs for 90 days? Some guys say that an original hard mode is the only way, but for that you need your wife to be ok with it.

 

[Georgos]

Hi Shade, I've found your journal now, I don't think I ever really read it when I was in this age bracket, when is your birthday, are you moving up to the big four oh this year?

I hope your succeeding in your battles with P, I often talk about how anything that distracts us from our daily life can be P, but in truth, the common meaning of the word, images of perverse erotic nature, is the reason we're all here primarily,

As you probably know, there has always been a debate about what images are halal and what are haram, to use the words of the ulema scholars, who generally get their knowledge from the study of books rather than direct intuition, but what we can say is that images that promote abuse in the minds and actions of people should be forbidden,

In Islam there is actually a scale of acceptability, it is not just the polar opposites of halal and haram there are other degrees whose Arabic labels I forget but can look up for you, basically it ranges from those things that are obligatory to those things that are forbidden with degrees of advisability inbetween.

I don't know what kind of images you have been looking at, I have tried to be honest and open about my fetishes and the reasons I have been drawn to them which I still don't fully understand, though have made a lot of progress in deciphering,

Psycho-analysis can sometimes do more harm than good, and self-analysis can sometimes be the worst,

Keep up the good work, and look forward to hearing from you soon,

Peace.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys it's day 4!

I've noticed urges to peek again today. But i totally had it with that. So i've installed BlockSite, bought a subscription for 6 months and immediately blocked all the websites i visited and set a password i no longer remember. I now believe that my web filter is quite me-proof. I have to agree on an earlier comment by Leonidas that the best filter is ourself, but at the moment I've just plain old had it with this addiction and I do not want to take any chances.

@UKGuy, I do not know the book but I will add it to my booklist. I still need to finish Rewire though, so I will first finish that and after that I might buy the book. THanks for the tip!

@Imsorrynotsorry, thanks for the support and call for self love. I do understand the pro's of a full 90 day hard mode reboot but Im trying to do 30 first, only with O with the Mrs. It may or may not work out, but to me at this moment I now know what to expect after O-ing with the Mrs.

@Georgos, i've just turned 36 so i'm still a couple of years removed from the big 4.0 My battles with P are going in the right direction but it's not as I would like it yet. But I am fighting the good fight and learning each day.
Being honest about our preferences and how they became our preferences is a crucial part in fighting this addiction. And although we cannot always understand them, we can accept that they are simply that; formed fetisjes by porn.


So, today was day 4 and still experiencing this weird mood. It's not like being depressed but more like seeing how things are without any feelings attached to it. Nike therapy has helped the last couple of days (Just Do It). I don't really know what to write anymore.

I am going on a small 3 day vacation tomorrow which I am really looking forward to, so I will stay online but will not post as often as I usually do.


Take care guys and thanks for reading!

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Shade,

Great to read you've taken so many proactive steps since the last relapse. Relapses are always unfortunate and always feel terrible & disappointing but if we can learn the lessons that are there to learn, we can harness this to 'refine' our strategy of recovery and that's always a positive.

I'm not sure if it's a subconscious projection of my own desires for companionship & intimacy, but I still think the 30 day & rewiring is the way forward. Re-connection with others and our own innate, natural desire is a part of this journey & sustainable recovery and if it's something we will inevitably have to start, why not now?

Wishing you all the best, enjoy your 3 day holiday away!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Yes, just do it. The brain fog / mood is normal after a relapse. It will get way better after some days (i'm sure you know that, but i say it anyway for reminding).

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys! Today is day 8 already.

The weird mood is slowly subsiding and i've noticed a very important thing. Ever since i've blocked all my access to P my productivity skyrocketed. In all these years i've always been someone who had trouble with getting things done, planning etc. And i've always accounted it to my ADHD and lazy personality. However now that i am not able to access P and I've tried to adapt the just do it mentality i notice that i am very very productive all of a sudden. I am very pleased with this. The other side is that the past few days i've had trouble sitting still lol. But still, I am happy with the result!

So urge-wise I am doing okay! We came back from our 3 day mini vacation a day early because of the bad ventilation in the room, horrible matrasses and the breakfast was terrible as well. Fortunately, the time we did spend there (outside of the hotel) was positive During our stay there I did MO once at night because of pure agony. The mattress was so bad that i got really bad neck pains and out of desperation i tried to solve it with a healthy normal fantasy based MO. To this day i funnily enough have not encountered a chaser effect.

In hindsight I've noticed something of a switch inside myself and while I cannot explain the why exactly i can explain what helped me. I've noticed that after the last relapse that happened just after the wife and I finally got intimate again I just sort of snapped. Something inside me broke/flipped/snapped, whatever. And up until this day it remains changed and I am starting to like it. At first I thought that it was a depressed feeling but now I'm starting to think that I've reached a point where I could not face the relapsing anymore. I think the feeling of being depressed was as if my old self has finally lost to a new self if that makes sense. Ever since that moment I look at life differently. I've also started to speak my mind directly if i notice somethin is up. I say to myself or the wife if she's near what I'm feeling and why. This has greatly helped me in identifying what my issues are and to explain past moods / acting out.


That's it for now i will try to post in the other threads today/tomorrow!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys!

Today is the end of day 11 for me and I feel great! It's nice to be able to post on here with a positive message from time to time! With great pleasure I can inform you all that just like last post my productivity is still through the rood for my standards. My energy is high, my mood is finally good, I've got a can do attitude and i still practice nike therapy (just do it). Ever since i can't access porn anymore it's like my brain just accepts that this is the case and ceases to try to access it.

However, there is a big but attached to this; what will happen when I do have access to P? I know that ideally the filter comes from within me and that at the moment this is outsourced and beyond my ability to control it. So how will I handle this in the future? I know that urges do not simply go away after 30 days, or 60 days or even 180 days as I've read in the more advanced user topics . So when will i test the waters? I could use some input on that but for now i will use all the blocks i have set for myself.

With the Mrs the bonding continues, our relationship is growing and I finally feel that I can really be there for her but more importantly I have the idea that she also thinks that she can truly count on me. That is the most rewarding feeling I've had in a while to be honest. Also with the sexuality we've really been able to separate the positive encounter from last week from the negative chaser effect incident so that it does not cloud the positive experience. We've talked about it and the wife still feels positive to move forward with intimacy, albeit at a slow pace but that's perfectly ok for me .

That's it for now guys, I wish you all well

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

And update; yesterday evening the wife and I had some form of intimacy again!!!! YES!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 12; nothing specific to mention. Urges are not really present since sexy time with the mrs yesterday. I feel calm and committed and in control of myself. That has not really happened for a while. First day of work was chaotic but i've been able to recover from it quite well. Did a 30 minute workout and I'm now on the forum before going to bed.

Phone routine is still in place and i'm loving it. I'm not missing a second of having my phone in bed.


Take care guys

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Shade,

Love to hear that. You're doing great and i really like what you write about the bonding to the wife and the being present to her.

However, there is a big but attached to this; what will happen when I do have access to P?

You probably take measures again to it. That's all you have to do. Since i got here and read your story i think you manage it like a survivor. There have been many obsticles but still you hold on to the reboot. Your honesty and your self reflection will bring you towards your goal with PMO and your wife, i'm sure. I have to admit, i envy it like you get back up, write in your journal and face PMO once again.

Keep going the good work and earn the fruits of your work along the way.

Imsor

 

[Joel]

New systems sound good. Marital intimacy sounds awesome. And well done on the streak, my friend. Onward!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Guys, day 17 by my count and all is going  very well.

Urges are present since the last sexytime and I've also noticed that when i'm horny i find it hard to control myself in my approach towards the Mrs. I'm not agressive or anythin but I don't choose my words carefull enough as it's still a delicate process for us.


other than that nothing to report for now. Still no access to P but i do think about it and I do notice that my mind sometimes tries to think of ways to circumvent my blocks.
Phone routine is also still in place and i'm still loving it.


Take care guys