particularly_respecting
Active Member
I like the proactive approach to planning - seems like good progress!
HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery
- Thread starter ShadeTrenicin
- Start date
Sounds like a great day ahead to me!
I think the real win here is approaching life & the day with purpose and intention. It starts with the push ups, meditation etc which sets the tone for the day and continues from there.
I think the more this is practiced, the more natural such an approach becomes.
However it plays out, you're doing great! Keep up the good work Shade
I think the real win here is approaching life & the day with purpose and intention. It starts with the push ups, meditation etc which sets the tone for the day and continues from there.
I think the more this is practiced, the more natural such an approach becomes.
However it plays out, you're doing great! Keep up the good work Shade
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot guys! Your support means a lot.
Im in the train again so as I promised myself I will have to come up with a plan for tonight, so hee goes:
1. Cook dinner and enjoy it.
2. Some cleaning and tidying
3. Spend time with the mrs. In whatever shape or form.
4. Either play piano or make music in the studio.
5. Meditate
6. Go to bed at a reasonable time
Im in the train again so as I promised myself I will have to come up with a plan for tonight, so hee goes:
1. Cook dinner and enjoy it.
2. Some cleaning and tidying
3. Spend time with the mrs. In whatever shape or form.
4. Either play piano or make music in the studio.
5. Meditate
6. Go to bed at a reasonable time
Looks like the recipe of a great evening, Shade!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Once again thanks @Phineas 808 and @Orbiter !
Support like this is very helpful.
Today is day 6. Yesterday i did follow the plan but still strong urges and had to battle nog opening am incognito when downstairs while the wife was upstairs writing.. Im struggling with residual 'need' as in my brain wants me to think I love it. So today I have difficulty in feeling what is normal and what feelings are because of the addiction not getting what it wants..
The wife and I did have a nice morning. It's a national holiday in The Netherlands (kingsday) so we went out into the old city centre to walk around and have something small to eat which was very nice.. Right now I'm on the couch recovering for a bit and after that I will head back up to where my wife is. I do have urges but stronger are the feelings of not wanting to give in.
Overall I am testy, but aware of it and therefore I can manage it.
Later on today I will do my abs and push up challenge which will improve my overall wellbeing.
Take care all
Support like this is very helpful.
Today is day 6. Yesterday i did follow the plan but still strong urges and had to battle nog opening am incognito when downstairs while the wife was upstairs writing.. Im struggling with residual 'need' as in my brain wants me to think I love it. So today I have difficulty in feeling what is normal and what feelings are because of the addiction not getting what it wants..
The wife and I did have a nice morning. It's a national holiday in The Netherlands (kingsday) so we went out into the old city centre to walk around and have something small to eat which was very nice.. Right now I'm on the couch recovering for a bit and after that I will head back up to where my wife is. I do have urges but stronger are the feelings of not wanting to give in.
Overall I am testy, but aware of it and therefore I can manage it.
Later on today I will do my abs and push up challenge which will improve my overall wellbeing.
Take care all
hunothebane
New Member
Hey Shade!
I have been reading your history for the past couple of days. I know how hard it is. I am in the same path for quite some time now. My longest strike was 33 days. Now I am trying to live each day as a new brand day and be a better person.
I wish you luck in your journey. Let's beat this addiction!
I have been reading your history for the past couple of days. I know how hard it is. I am in the same path for quite some time now. My longest strike was 33 days. Now I am trying to live each day as a new brand day and be a better person.
I wish you luck in your journey. Let's beat this addiction!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Thanks Hunothebane! Means a lot.
It is with great sorrow that i have to report it's day 1... I relapsed yesterday. I will comment soon about what and how but for now I will leave it at this. I've talked about it with the wife already and that has helped. I will go on!
It is with great sorrow that i have to report it's day 1... I relapsed yesterday. I will comment soon about what and how but for now I will leave it at this. I've talked about it with the wife already and that has helped. I will go on!
Sorry to hear that, Shade! But I know that you will bounce back, and beat this thing once and for all! Wonderful to have the support behind you, too!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
So today is day 2 and ive had a really good day in terms of productiveness. Yesterday as well.
Two days ago was a relapse ai could've seen coming a mile away. This a part of the self honesty I've been talking about. I know I was thinking towards the bad end; you see an attractive actress in a series and I start wondering if there is less covered material of her.. And when I don't recognize that fact and go along with it, I'm not being honest to myself.
Its weird. I can sometimes watch a series with full nudity in it, but it doesn't affect me at all. But sometimes i can be led astray by an actress purely because I think shes attractive and being put in suggestive context and nothing more.
When I allow that, it's the gateway to other stuff. It can take days sometimes. In any case i feel like I've not correctly dealt with these thoughts that ultimately lead to a relapse. If I'm completely honest to myself I know that thoughts like that opens up thinking about a relapse in a less negative way and consequently saying to myself that its ok.
There is a lot more to it and a lot more steps in the process, but thoughts like this is where I can stop it tje earliest.
Two days ago was a relapse ai could've seen coming a mile away. This a part of the self honesty I've been talking about. I know I was thinking towards the bad end; you see an attractive actress in a series and I start wondering if there is less covered material of her.. And when I don't recognize that fact and go along with it, I'm not being honest to myself.
Its weird. I can sometimes watch a series with full nudity in it, but it doesn't affect me at all. But sometimes i can be led astray by an actress purely because I think shes attractive and being put in suggestive context and nothing more.
When I allow that, it's the gateway to other stuff. It can take days sometimes. In any case i feel like I've not correctly dealt with these thoughts that ultimately lead to a relapse. If I'm completely honest to myself I know that thoughts like that opens up thinking about a relapse in a less negative way and consequently saying to myself that its ok.
There is a lot more to it and a lot more steps in the process, but thoughts like this is where I can stop it tje earliest.
Hi Shade,
Sorry to hear about the lapse, these things can often feel frustrating no matter how 'glass half full' our mindset. I too lapsed yesterday unfortunately.
Still these things can either be the end of the world or a mere blip in the radar of life. Depending on how we handle it, i'm sure we'll be back to where we were in no time.
I like the honesty & accountability in your summary. You've highlighted some areas that you can work on and perhaps the area that this has highlighted is the thoughts & self-talk that lead to making the choice to PMO? I feel a lot of us can become too focused on trigger prevention and forget about dealing with that voice in the back of our heads that WANTS us to PMO and knows all the tricks in the book to make us do it.
Good job bouncing back Shade! Wishing you well
Sorry to hear about the lapse, these things can often feel frustrating no matter how 'glass half full' our mindset. I too lapsed yesterday unfortunately.
Still these things can either be the end of the world or a mere blip in the radar of life. Depending on how we handle it, i'm sure we'll be back to where we were in no time.
I like the honesty & accountability in your summary. You've highlighted some areas that you can work on and perhaps the area that this has highlighted is the thoughts & self-talk that lead to making the choice to PMO? I feel a lot of us can become too focused on trigger prevention and forget about dealing with that voice in the back of our heads that WANTS us to PMO and knows all the tricks in the book to make us do it.
Good job bouncing back Shade! Wishing you well
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey Orbiter,
Thanks for your insights and well wishes. They mean a lot!
As per the focus on internal / external i'm heavily debating at the moment. I think they are both important. But ultimately it's about the internal dialogue as that is the one that decides whether or not on how to act on something. But with an addiction at first there should be some trigger control I think.
The same goes for access to an unfiltered internet. Ideally we learn to cope without any restrictions as the motivation should be internal. But it can be a great asset at the early stages of the addiction....
I'm still not sure what to think of this, so I will touch upon this subject whenever I have new insights. And all of your insights are appreciated as well.
So day 3 today!
IT's 11:00 in the morning here and I've already been productive which feels great. Currently I'm dealing with a sore neck from bad posture throughout the week and I'm a little tired. But I also have nice things planned out. Typing this I do notice that I'm a little agitated (Also by the neck) so I have to be weary for follow up emotions that lead to PMO.
Tonight I will reflect on today.
Thanks for your insights and well wishes. They mean a lot!
As per the focus on internal / external i'm heavily debating at the moment. I think they are both important. But ultimately it's about the internal dialogue as that is the one that decides whether or not on how to act on something. But with an addiction at first there should be some trigger control I think.
The same goes for access to an unfiltered internet. Ideally we learn to cope without any restrictions as the motivation should be internal. But it can be a great asset at the early stages of the addiction....
I'm still not sure what to think of this, so I will touch upon this subject whenever I have new insights. And all of your insights are appreciated as well.
So day 3 today!
IT's 11:00 in the morning here and I've already been productive which feels great. Currently I'm dealing with a sore neck from bad posture throughout the week and I'm a little tired. But I also have nice things planned out. Typing this I do notice that I'm a little agitated (Also by the neck) so I have to be weary for follow up emotions that lead to PMO.
Tonight I will reflect on today.
One has to know theirself, whether they're making the external stimuli so 'all-powerful', and theirself as 'so weak' that it creates a mystique around porn that- given the right circumstances we'd fall to it any way...
Or, it may be helpful 'training wheels' to block internet content for a time to give ourselves space...?
It seems to me that whenever I contemplate restrictions like this, am I being practical? Or am I disempowering myself (thus making my 'addiction' so all-powerful)?
While I may suggest 'No'- it all depends on what's most helpful and not harmful to us.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot Phineas!
To restrict, or not restrict,
I've been mulling this over in my head for the past days and for me i'm now positively sure the number 1 trigger is the ability to do it. It has been like that ever since my wife and I moved in together 12 years a go. Whenever she went out.. PMO.. like clockwork.. It's been grooving my brain for a long time.
I'm very anti the giving-into-the-fact-that-I'm-powerless-against-my-addictionn notion, but I must indeed be practical. I know myself. I know that I am a person who has poor impulse control. Not only on P. I do want to improve that. But I can improve that way more efficiently in other aspects of my life while not having to constantly deal with the inner battle of PMO. I mean, it's more efficient if you take one problem at a time.
So I've decided I need the training wheels. It's not a permanent solution. Ultimately I need to be able to manage in life without any restrictions. So for at least half a year I will put restrictions in place..
Due to technical shit I couldnt do it today (stupid ISP with their shit router) so tomorrow I will put some work into it.. But let's name a date. It's the beginning of may. Let's take our time and make it the end of the year; 1/1/2023. On that date the goal for me is to be a recovering addict who has the ability to continue his journey without restrictions and already has 180 days under the belt.
Day 5
It is day 5 and I'm in the, what @Orbiter calls, post-lapse slump. It's a good term actually as it describes how I'm feeling. There has been a lot of frustration as I had feeling of giving it up. "why can't I just be an addict in peace". It's so fundamentally contradictory this addiction. It's a constant switching between "I want to do it" and "I don't want to do it".. Thank you addict-brain; MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!
Anyway, last relapse was one of those moments where seconds before releasing I already felt the guilt and shame (worst O ever).
Somehow before that moment you make up the fake notion that "you're in control" and can still stop and it woudn't be as bad, It's funny to rationally obseve these lies we we tell ourselves.
However, I'm still here and it's already been 5 days. Tomorrow will be day 6 and just a couple more days and the post-lapse slump will slowly recide.
In terms of good habits I'm still going strong. Push up and abs routine are being done 5/7 days a week and I've lost 1.5 kg the last month. That's exactly the kind of slow progress I am aiming for.
Thanks for reading guys! Stay strong all.
To restrict, or not restrict,
I've been mulling this over in my head for the past days and for me i'm now positively sure the number 1 trigger is the ability to do it. It has been like that ever since my wife and I moved in together 12 years a go. Whenever she went out.. PMO.. like clockwork.. It's been grooving my brain for a long time.
I'm very anti the giving-into-the-fact-that-I'm-powerless-against-my-addictionn notion, but I must indeed be practical. I know myself. I know that I am a person who has poor impulse control. Not only on P. I do want to improve that. But I can improve that way more efficiently in other aspects of my life while not having to constantly deal with the inner battle of PMO. I mean, it's more efficient if you take one problem at a time.
So I've decided I need the training wheels. It's not a permanent solution. Ultimately I need to be able to manage in life without any restrictions. So for at least half a year I will put restrictions in place..
Due to technical shit I couldnt do it today (stupid ISP with their shit router) so tomorrow I will put some work into it.. But let's name a date. It's the beginning of may. Let's take our time and make it the end of the year; 1/1/2023. On that date the goal for me is to be a recovering addict who has the ability to continue his journey without restrictions and already has 180 days under the belt.
Day 5
It is day 5 and I'm in the, what @Orbiter calls, post-lapse slump. It's a good term actually as it describes how I'm feeling. There has been a lot of frustration as I had feeling of giving it up. "why can't I just be an addict in peace". It's so fundamentally contradictory this addiction. It's a constant switching between "I want to do it" and "I don't want to do it".. Thank you addict-brain; MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!
Anyway, last relapse was one of those moments where seconds before releasing I already felt the guilt and shame (worst O ever).
Somehow before that moment you make up the fake notion that "you're in control" and can still stop and it woudn't be as bad, It's funny to rationally obseve these lies we we tell ourselves.
However, I'm still here and it's already been 5 days. Tomorrow will be day 6 and just a couple more days and the post-lapse slump will slowly recide.
In terms of good habits I'm still going strong. Push up and abs routine are being done 5/7 days a week and I've lost 1.5 kg the last month. That's exactly the kind of slow progress I am aiming for.
Thanks for reading guys! Stay strong all.
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Hi Shade,
I think if it helps you get some momentum in these initial weeks, what's the harm in giving it a go? As you said, it's an initial 'training wheel' measure and there's more to your strategy that just relying on it. Let's see how it goes.
I think we've all had thoughts like that at one point or another. The question is, is that how we really feel or is it just the addict in our heads trying to convince us to let go and give in? I feel like "why can't I just be an addict in peace" style thoughts also occur just before a PMO lapse as well. That in itself makes it a very suspicious thought to arise. I think those feelings of discomfort and disappointment even while acting out just goes to show that it's not at all how we genuinely feel.
Anyway great going on keeping up the great habits and staying the course. Keep up the great work!
I think if it helps you get some momentum in these initial weeks, what's the harm in giving it a go? As you said, it's an initial 'training wheel' measure and there's more to your strategy that just relying on it. Let's see how it goes.
I think we've all had thoughts like that at one point or another. The question is, is that how we really feel or is it just the addict in our heads trying to convince us to let go and give in? I feel like "why can't I just be an addict in peace" style thoughts also occur just before a PMO lapse as well. That in itself makes it a very suspicious thought to arise. I think those feelings of discomfort and disappointment even while acting out just goes to show that it's not at all how we genuinely feel.
Anyway great going on keeping up the great habits and staying the course. Keep up the great work!
I can definitely relate to this ambivalence (even recently) between two minds, even the f*** it attitude that wishes to 'finalize' being an addict, and giving in to our 'darkest desires'- which of course in practical application always comes up short and disappointing, and is not who we really are.
I also stand behind your latest decision toward the restrictive mode limiting access, as it may be helpful in gaining more confidence and strength in saying 'No' to these habits.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Bro this is me every single day!
EarthWalker
Respected Member
"I want to do it" and "I don't want to do it"
Who is the "I" who is thinking this? Who is the "I" that is perceiving this? Where is this I from? Which "I" wants to do it? Which "I" doesn't want to do it?
Stepping one step back with awareness is what looks to be doing the trick for me lately. Meditating on this "I" and "I AM". The "I AM" that precedes both the "I want to do it" and the "I don't want to do it". You are much greater than the "I want to do it" and "I don't want to do it".
Who is the "I" who is thinking this? Who is the "I" that is perceiving this? Where is this I from? Which "I" wants to do it? Which "I" doesn't want to do it?
Stepping one step back with awareness is what looks to be doing the trick for me lately. Meditating on this "I" and "I AM". The "I AM" that precedes both the "I want to do it" and the "I don't want to do it". You are much greater than the "I want to do it" and "I don't want to do it".
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Thank you all for the reactions, they really help!
Day 8 today!
It's amazing how time flies. And although the last two days were very difficult I managed to persevere. I am absolutely knackered so little imput from me at this point. I only want to report that today I finaly have time to fix the restrictions and will do so after lunch.
Oh and some "good" news. As mentioned occasionally my wife has been sick for a little over two years now. And today, after receiving benefits of her former employer for two years, my wife was evaluated by an insurance doctor from the national unemployment agency. The doctor deemed her 'unable to work for an undeterminable period'. Now the fact that she's still sick is of cource terrible. But the result of this is, that she is granted permanent disability benefits which is roughly 70% of her last pay for as long as she is sick. This was a great relief as we now know for sure that our financial stability will remain. So that was a 'positive' thing that happened today.
I hope I will get some rest today and try to go more in depth later on abuot my addiction. For now there are no urges or temptations so I'm in a good place. Double digits are in sight!
Day 8 today!
It's amazing how time flies. And although the last two days were very difficult I managed to persevere. I am absolutely knackered so little imput from me at this point. I only want to report that today I finaly have time to fix the restrictions and will do so after lunch.
Oh and some "good" news. As mentioned occasionally my wife has been sick for a little over two years now. And today, after receiving benefits of her former employer for two years, my wife was evaluated by an insurance doctor from the national unemployment agency. The doctor deemed her 'unable to work for an undeterminable period'. Now the fact that she's still sick is of cource terrible. But the result of this is, that she is granted permanent disability benefits which is roughly 70% of her last pay for as long as she is sick. This was a great relief as we now know for sure that our financial stability will remain. So that was a 'positive' thing that happened today.
I hope I will get some rest today and try to go more in depth later on abuot my addiction. For now there are no urges or temptations so I'm in a good place. Double digits are in sight!
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Great news Shade - and great progress too.
Can't wait to read that double digits post - you got this brother!
Can't wait to read that double digits post - you got this brother!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Thanks @particularly_respecting .
Today is day 9. So the stuff with the router, the training wheels so to say, again didnt work out.
A little technical; i want to force a specific DNS on my router and block sites and any kind of porn. On my own router i could do that but somehow that doesn't work anymore on the connection. So i reinstalled the original router from my isp and then everything works. But that router is an absolute potato in terms of blocking stuff. Doesn't work at all. Now apparently the ISP only needs to release the MAC address of the router and then i can use my own again.
As I am the kind of guy who really likes the puzzle effect of circumventing the restrictions ( its part of my addiction almost) I set up for myself I really need it to be completely fool proof.
Now, I've found out how to do that but the people at the ISP helpdesk are absolute idiots who follow pre determined scripts. In fact last time I had to guide the person there to the correct settings.
Anyway.. long story a little shorter, I apparently need support from the back office and they are very poorly available. So now I have a sort of appointment on Saturday to fix all this.
Until then ill manage on my own as I'm feeling great. Bit busy at the moment but im ok.
Talk soon people
Today is day 9. So the stuff with the router, the training wheels so to say, again didnt work out.
A little technical; i want to force a specific DNS on my router and block sites and any kind of porn. On my own router i could do that but somehow that doesn't work anymore on the connection. So i reinstalled the original router from my isp and then everything works. But that router is an absolute potato in terms of blocking stuff. Doesn't work at all. Now apparently the ISP only needs to release the MAC address of the router and then i can use my own again.
As I am the kind of guy who really likes the puzzle effect of circumventing the restrictions ( its part of my addiction almost) I set up for myself I really need it to be completely fool proof.
Now, I've found out how to do that but the people at the ISP helpdesk are absolute idiots who follow pre determined scripts. In fact last time I had to guide the person there to the correct settings.
Anyway.. long story a little shorter, I apparently need support from the back office and they are very poorly available. So now I have a sort of appointment on Saturday to fix all this.
Until then ill manage on my own as I'm feeling great. Bit busy at the moment but im ok.
Talk soon people