HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks UKGuy and Blueicetea for your replies.

I also think that the fatigue will set in at one point and that its natural, but i cannot be after 90 days. From what I envision (and the example of your father in law, UKguy, confirms this) is that addiction is something that will stick for life. I do not have the believe that i am able to PMO at a certain time without immediately being drawn back to it or at least have the serious urge to do so.

However, there is also the difference between persons. Some people naturally are more proned to be community people and tend to take the role of mentor and guide, while others are more self centered. And there is no wrong in being either of them. So it is my believe that from the vast number of accounts only a few of those will overcome their addiction and a fraction of those will be the ones that keep coming back to provide wisdom and support for the ones not yet clear of their addiction.

All in all i think as a community we should focus on the mental health of the group while maintaining our own. By sharing out own faults, mistakes and insight we can build a foundation on which a new generation can build. That way we can help out a next generation of people wanting to quit porn with a base of things to watch out for, approaches, tips and tricks to help battle their addiction more efficient!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Interesting topics you have here.

What Joe mentioned is something similar with the added notion that once a guy feels that he's beaten porn he tends to leave the forum. And that struck me with a sort of sadness.

I can only speak for myself, but i'm enjoying exchange with you all and i have to be honest, without you on this forum, it would be much harder for me to keep focus. Everytime during the day i feel an urge or sth i remind myself 'write it down in the journal, share it'.
And, i don't know what is going to happen when i reach my 90 day goal (having 54 today), when the time comes i expect me walking by myself more often. Right now, i like to belive that i need another 30 or maybe 90 days after my first goal to cement the fundamentals of a P-free life. Means, i will stick with you guys for quite some time

Thanks to you all, i hope i can give something back to you.

 

[metal22]

Back in my dday a few years ago there was a number of guys I connected with that had been in similar timing and experiences as me.  It was the same for my wife in the partners forum.  I do believe that of the guys,  most have moved on.  There are a few partners that still post periodically though.
To be honest,  I had moved on too.  Until my relapse,  I hadn?t posted in at least 2 years.  I?m not sure why so many move on,  maybe the anonymous nature of things plays a role?  It feels hard to form strong lasting relationships in an anonymous way.  But that is unfortunate though,  some of us who have been doing this awhile have much to contribute.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 0,

Im not saying anything negative about it, i'm just going to let it be and sink in.
The problem is that i've been ignoring my feelings.. I was just reading and posting on here and portraying my good ideas and behaviours and afterwards just simply went for it. So why the f*ck is that?

I've been struggling with myself and my emotions lately and what i also feel is that i've lost touch with reality to much, i was not aware in the moment.
And although the forum gave me great strength and understanding i've sort of locked myself away from my true feelings and went back to autopilot in dealing with things, one of them being PMO. Luckily it was a quick one, but a relapse none the less.

Ok, so how to move forward from this? What where the triggers/situations/feelings?

1. Being alone
2. Being alone and not sticking to my own 6 point plan
3. A unaware state of being, as is i were occupying my own body as a shell, a husk. I did not feel connected to reality (i am overexagarating this feeling) and thus my emotions and the negative feelings.

This was a perfect prelude to a relapse. It felt natural to do it..

So, on how to approach the triggers;

1. Being alone; this is something that is going to happen a lot in the future. So how to deal with that?
2. Being along and not sticking to my 6 point plan; well, this is something that can be changed. Why did I not reach for it? The anwer for me lies in point three
3. An unaware state of being is usualy an indication for me that something is brewing beneath the surface. Lately as you might've read in my thread, there is a lot going on. I have not been dealing enough with these feelings.

So from this day onwards; a fresh start:
In 90 days the 22nd of july

1. I have not PMO'd
2. My weight will be 90 kg's (94 currently)
3. I will have put significant more effort in dealing with emotions.

How will i reach these goals?

1. To start off, im setting a new 30 day hardmode; no P M or O! I will continue to engage as much as possible on this forum, and be more honest about my feelings. Also i do not have to fool myself. My tendency still is sometimes to ignore or dismiss my feelings as if they are not there. The build up of these feelings can accumulate to what i experience as being detached. It is a defence mechanism; being afraid to face myself. Self love is something I yearn to improve
Also, i've made a plan with the wife, that on the days that i work from home, she will join me in the attic to work. That way we got the alone part covered for a while. This is not a permanent fix of course, but we are going to plan it for the coming weeks.
2. Excersize! My diet is pretty decent; more than 400grams of veggies a day, at least one piece of fruit. We eat legumes at least 3 times a week. I drink 1,5-2 liters of water a day most of the days. I seldomly drink alcohol.
However, i do tend to loose myself in sweet things. I cannot eat one piece of chocolate of candy, the whole bag will vanish within a small amount of time.. So yesterday i did my first run in 2 years and we agreed to not buy sweets for a while anymore)
3. I enjoy watching lectures on dealign with emotions and how to do that with meditations. Tara Brach is one of my favorites at the moment. I've noticed that last weeks i've not watched a lot of those. These lectures help me and guide me to better understand my underlying emotions.


So, there we have it.. It felt good to write all this down. It might look a bit chaotic, but that is just me!

And thank the world for my wife, i cannot be a more lucky individual to have such a unconditionally loving wife.
Without here, i would not be where I am now

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello ShadeTrenicin,

It happened - ok. I really like how you turned that negative thing into motivation. Keep this up!

My experience is when hardmode and no sweets/alcohol i really get a bad mood. So, keep track of your mood and if it swings more than usual. Be aware, this also can cause some strange conditions. I'm sure, kardio exercise is perfect. Don't run to feel the burn, just run stimulte healthy endorphines!

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Shade,

Though i'm sorry to hear of your recent relapse, it's inspiring to see how you've taken this setback and reflected on it, formed a clear understanding of it and have made a concrete plan of action to address it. If we can use these relapses to learn and motivate, I feel more and more this is the way to move towards genuinely breaking free of this habit.

I'll be checking in over the coming days, i'm interested to hear how the next few days go. Rooting for you as always!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Shade,
I saw Orbiters words first when I clicked on this page - my first reaction was 'Oh F*ck!', which is really interesting in that I discovered I feel a real connection with your journey, and also guys like Mr Slurps who I correspond a lot with - that's not to exclude any of the other guys of course, but the more you follow someone's progress, the more connected you feel I guess. So, I am feeling empathy here for you, not least because I have been there myself many times...but I also feel great encouragement at your resilience and ability to diagnose and strengthen your plan. I also celebrate the fact that you clearly have a great and understanding wife. Show her your strength through your resolve. I don't feel you need any words of advice from me as you know your theory very well, but be assured that there is someone here rooting for you and also Mrs T too! All the best my friend.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thank you all Imsorrynotsorry, Orbiter, and UKGuy!

Your words have left me at the verge of crying, in a good way i might add.

I've gone through a lot of emotions, and one of them is feeling like a fraud, even though i know i am not. I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Anyway, i've noticed that on pivotal points nearing the PMO threshold i have a great ability to pursuade myself that "it's okay to do it for a bit. It's not harmfull at all. I know i like it" It's a very annoying yet familiar and powerful sort of voice inside my head.
I know who that voice is, it's my self-worth encouraging me to do something i 'want' because i 'earned' it.. It's such a familiar voice that i have difficulty recognizing it as something that is actually really harmful. In reality that self-worth is self destructive and delusional in thinking that I will benefit from it.
It is a feeling that leads me to further shield myself from the world by engaging in things that are easy to control and are easily kept at a distance.
That way, i cannot be harmed emotionally.

This mechanism, i'm positive, is a remainder from my childhood in which i was teased a lot, sometimes bullied and most of all excluded by other kids (and sometimes adults) because i was the really fucking annoying kid. Later on it proved to be ADHD that made me act like that. I needed a lot of attention and for me at a point negative attention was also attention. Due to this chain of events i am a person that is in need of constant approval or appreciation from peers and i have trouble getting that approval from the most important person; myself.

Funny thing is that i recently posted in someone elses thread (can't remember who) about self love and how it's pivotal in making a good recovery.
The above mentioned things illustrate why self love is so necesary.

I think that in self love i have the key to accepting myself and with that the ability to no longer need the approval or appreciation from peers to make me feel good

 

[KittyHawk]

Hi Shade,

Just keep going. There is no shame in that. We all are ?work in progress? and openly admit it.
That doesn?t mean we can?t give each other advices. And they might even prove to be more valuable since they come from someone who is also ?in trenches?.

Yet I know the feeling. I also feel kinda unworthy after each relapse to even come back here. But by coming back here, we are actually showing a lot of character and resolve.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I am here a lot posting in other threads, giving advice, being supportive and then i relapse myself. This feels fraudulent somehow.

Not at all. This experience is important. You are on your way, like we all are, a slip or even falling down is not dragging you back in that hole where we had so much trouble crawling out. If you turn around and stay day in day out in that hole isn't helping. Just to make this example clear: Maybe you havn't reached the 90 days without PMO, then make it plan B to reach 90 days with the least relapse count and the sum it up. 1 or 5 relapses in 90 days is very very good compared to 90 relapses in 90 days, isn't it?
A relapses isn't restoring your brain back to 100% PMO-addiction. It's halting or not helping. So, keep on going, watch your steps, come here often, talk it through.

 

[Wolfman]

Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.

 

[Andrew1973]

Great words Wolfman, with which I concur 100%.

Shade - you're a great guy and a significant contributor to the recovery of many here, myself included. Your selflessness is very apparent. Just make sure you practice that self love with yourself. If there's something in your mind that you wouldn't say to one of us (e.g.: it feels like you're a fraud), then don't say it to yourself either! #selflove

Shade,

you shouldn't be feeling fraudulent in giving encouragement and advice to others you feel you're unable to follow yourself. It's a sign of immaculate courage to be able to, in spite of one's own perceived failings, to be supportive to others and help where possible. It only goes to show that this issue goes deeper than the conscious intellect, it goes to our habits, our drives, our instinct and our soul. And in spite of those failings within your own body, the plagues within your soul, you still persist and go on encouraging others, giving advice you know is right. Problem is just how to connect that knowledge with your actual situation, which may require more knowledge, more practical changes or both--but the fact you took that leap, that extra beyond yourself, shows you are throwing ropes out new, better territories. Now you just need to figure out how you can make a foot-bridge out of those ropes, so that you can cross not only with your vision, but with your body too.

Man, your comments have been like bolts of lightning from heaven for me. Really, I appreciate your support so much. Maybe it's in moments where we can be supportive for others we realize how supportive we can be for ourselves. So I think here about what you said about self-love.

We're with you, buddy, in the good and the ugly. Especially the ugly.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

KittyHawk, thanks for the words of kindness man, it really helps.

Imsorrynotsorry, Thanks for that relativation of 5 PMO vs 90 days. Really insightfull and it felt relieving to read that

Wolfman, great to see you here man! And thanks so much for your kind words, relativation and just making me feel better!

UKGuy, once again thank you my friend for making me feel valued (and all of you btw)



So, today is day 2 and i'm well!
I watched a great talk by tara brach yesterday about the hungry ghosts of addiction and desire. Really inspirational.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mv7zxUbiwU
Today i'm back at work and i feel motivated once more!

I do have to admit that the urges are strong today! This morning in my car there was an abundance of different scenarios and situations that left me quite exited so to say.. But, realize that the urge is temporary

Thank you all, you guys are what keeps me going

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Update on day 2;

holy shit f*ck.. i have crazy almost uncontrolable urges.. i almost sat down and did it.. again! I have no idea wtf is happening and i'm at a loss on how to cope with this. Has anyone ever experienced crazy strong urges a couple of days after a relapse? It seems much much worse than the chaser effect.


Anyway, for now i'm holding it together but im completely restless both mentally and physically so I decided to come on here and brief you guys!


Edit: I've just read my opening post and re-read my own entire thread. This is actually realy motivating for me and it helped a lot, urges have calmed down!


Cheers

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Yes, know the exact feeling where i've threw it all over board and did it. Afterwards the emptyness and the why. Short time after a relapse the barriers are very very weak. I never was strong enough during this time, which lead to more PMO and more symptoms. What you did today is something i've never achieved. But think, tomorrow and the next days will be hard as hell. I drop a quote for you i like:

If you're going through hell, keep going

- Winston Churchill

 

[Andrew1973]

Stay strong Shade - remember the 6 point plan. Print it off and stick it on your monitor! We're with you brother.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks guys!

Today is actually going great! I held in there, stuck to the 6 point plan! I will keep going through hell!

Thank you for the support!

Day 3 is going well so far. Tonight i'll go for a run

 

[metal22]

Shade,
Glad to hear you're doing better.  It sounds like you're staying positive,  and your wife is supportive.  How much do you talk to your wife about your emotions,  feelings and worries?  My wife has always been strong for me,  and I think a great deal of my temptations have roots in unprocessed emotions.  For me,  I'm so out of touch with my emotions and subconscious it almost feels like another human is controlling me at times.  I do things,  say things and react unlike the normal person.  It makes other emotions ( always negative) pop up,  like I might get suddenly envious,  or angry or whatever.  My wife is pretty in tune to me,  and is able to detect when I'm "off".  Just wondering,  since when you said you relapsed you felt like a shell.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Metal22,

Thanks for the perceptive post!

Before i revealed my addiction to my wife i did not talk about my emotions, other than when it all became to much (which was like once a year). I was only able to express my frustration, irritations and projected my feelings on other people.

What you describe about being out of touch is something that i recognize, at least partly. My wife is also very much in tune with me and immediately senses when there is something going on.
For me the whole feeling like a shell thing is feeling like I am living on auto pilot, not in touch with the here and now and no connections to my (true) emotions. When i feel like a shell, the emotions I feel are only a frustrated outlet of my true emotions and not being able to out them.

So, day 4. Feeling pretty good. Talked to myself this morning to not cave, think of the 6 point plan and keep up the good work.

I might put more down later on an interesting concept that i've been reading/listening about.. It's a perception on craving and addiction. Im trying to summarize a transcript of a 50 minute talk.. So it might take a while, but i'm 100% positive this can be helpful and insightful for a lot of people here

Thanks for reading and stay strong guys

 

[Orbiter]

I feel we can all relate to that detached vacant feeling. Drifting through the days, never really affected or engaged in life the same way as others, being surprised at our own behaviour when to others they can set it written all over us. I believe this disconnection is at least in part a long term effect of this habit which is also why it unfortunately provides such an effective escape from bad feelings.

We've all got some catching up to do in regards to building this mental & emotional reconnection with our lives but thankfully you have loved ones who clearly do care about you and of course you've got our support too. Keep going!

By the way that Tara Brach talk was fantastic.