Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)

[Z]

Today is the last day of February, so it's a good point to reflect on the first two months of my "No Porn-Challenge".

I clearly did not achieve the main goal of "No Porn 2020". When I wrote the initial post, I had no idea that cravings would arise and it turned out to be way harder than expected. Actually it was quite easy for the first 18 days, then I had a stupid relapse out of boredom and after that I developed a new obsession which I will explain in more detail later. In these first 2 months, on about 1/3 of the days I watched porn.

In my initial post I wrote: "In 2020 I want to live without watching porn and by that I want to regain my interest in other people, particularly in real women." Now I will compare my situation on new year's eve to my situation now, two months later.

New year's eve:
- It was a habit to regularly have sessions of clicking from one porn video to the next for several hours, until the morning hours. These sessions were 1-3 times a week with an increasing trend in lenght and frequency. This was also my frequency of masturbation.
- I had no considerable social interaction for months, not with guys and certainly not with girls. Still I felt confident, but also avoidant of social interaction.
- My biggest problem was the extreme amount of hours I wasted in the internet. Not only watching porn, but primarily watching random YouTube videos.

Today - end of February:
- I am not watching porn videos - there is no possibility to do so and I also don't feel a strong need to do it. However over the past few months I developed a new obsession for so-called "Bimbos" or "Bimbodolls", extremely surgically enhanced women. I always preferred the fake look, even before I started watching porn, but in these last 2 months it became more extreme. It's not only the aesthetic beauty, it's the whole philosophy behind it and it might also include a slightly misogynic element that somehow turns me on. I'm fascinated by girls who appear normal but underwent remarkable surgical enhancements, no strippers or pornstars. I have to think of that stuff almost all the time with strong urges to see respective pictures and I declared it a goal to "get" such a girl in 5-10 years. It actually gives me more motivation and passion in daily life, but also is the reason why this challenge has been so hard for me recently. This is my big problem right now.
- I'm interacting with others on occasion and during that I feel more confident, dominant and masculine than ever before, this also includes interaction with girls. The reason probably is personal development unrelated to this challenge here. My interest in real women has slightly increased but still is pretty low and I notice how their interest in me has also increased.
- I found a way to almost completely control my internet usage with huge positive impact on my productivity. This also stabilized my sleep rhythm which makes me feel better in daily life.


In total I have to conclude that I'm moving too slow. I spent less time watching porn and more time fantasizing about it. My interest in real women increased only very slightly. I don't want to waste 2 years of my life with this counting and relapsing game but my daily incentive to abstrain was not strong enough. Also my goals of how I actually want to feel at what point in time were not defined clearly enough. That's what I'm going to do in my next post.

 

[Z]

I need a clear definition of my goals for this area of my life in order to find daily motivation to stay disciplined and not only abstrain from porn, but also shape my mind the right way.

In 6 months, in September, I will move to another city. I want to take this opportunity to build a big social circle and make sexual experiences with attractive girls. I think that this is an important step in becoming a man. This is my time constraint, until then I need healthy sexual desires.

In September, I want to be in the following state:

(1) I have a strong urge to interact, flirt, and have sex with real women, not at a point in future but today. This expresses itself in a strong urge to go outside and to be amongst other people (on a "normal", usual day).
(2) I'm able to have and enjoy sex with hard, lasting erections and without premature ejaculations. This also includes the absence of sexual blockades when it comes to touching or kissing women (on a "normal", usual day).

I want to reach these goals by completing two phases.

The first phase: "cold turkey".
I don't have much time left, maybe 6 months are not even enough. The progress of the last 2 months has been so little, that I have to go harder. Therefore I will completely abstrain from porn (= every sexual stimulation through a screen or any other media) and also from masturbation. Even edging is not allowed. The purpose of this phase is to reboot my brain as fast as possible. Blue balls, a flatline, all that stuff is welcome if it helps. Specifically I have to be aware of the fact that it is NOT about feeling masculine and vital with a strong libido during that phase, but AFTER that phase. Short-term sacrifice for long-term success. Additionally I will daily exercise my pc muscles, this will help me later.
This phase will take at least 92 days (March, April, May), but won't be finished until I reach the following state:

(1) Whenever I see a girl that is at least a 6 on my scale of 1-10, I experience a strong feeling of sexual arousal combined with the urge to interact with her right now (on a "normal", usual day).
(2) At least 50% of my sexual fantasies are about girls that I actually saw in real life. Still, watching pictures of these girls is not allowed. If fantasies of girls from the internet arise, they are not obsessive and can easily be swiped away or replaced by fantasies about girls I saw in real life (on every day).
(3) I pass the PIED test, which means that I have no PIED (on a "normal", usual day).

After that I will enter a second phase in summer where I want to develop sexual confidence by having at least once (good) sex with a real women, preferably a normal girl but otherwise a hooker and by practicing and learning about sex until I feel confident in it, again preferably with a normal girl but there will be other ways as well. I don't need to learn anything about girls and sex in phase 1 as this would just serve as another trigger.


Lots of text right now and if anyone is reading this I hope it provides inspiration for him. One day this journal will be a document of my success, with all the ups and downs that paved the way for it.

 

[Jeks]

Really inspiring. I like the way you phrase your goals with the whole "on a usual day" thing. Hold on to your reasons, when cravings arise. Good luck z

 

[Z]

I have 2 days completed so far. I'm writing this at university so I have to keep it short.

 

[wecandoit]

I have 2 days completed so far. I'm writing this at university so I have to keep it short.

Every successful journey starts with day 1. A 2 days streak might look like too little but it will grow with time. Try to end every day without doing anything stupid (peeking, edging, fantasizing, touching etc.) and every day will be added to the streak.

 

[Z]

5 days completed. My libido has been pretty low so far, my cravings as well. Both might increase around day 7.

Only the fascination is still there at a high level. My reboot would be faster if I could redirect this fascination towards real women and I'll try to develop some exercises to achieve that. Most importantly I have to see more real women. Actually interacting with them would be the most efficient way but there seem to be no common interests in particular topics at this point.

 

[Z]

8 days completed.

Low libido, low cravings which is pretty unusual for 8 days. Yesterday I dreamed about making out with an average-looking girl and the dream stopped right after it started but it felt pretty good. I'll optimize my sleep, this might increase my libido.

 

[Z]

12 days completed.

It's becoming harder. My libido is increasing. The key is no private internet access and it will be important to repulse all possible reasons to get it back in any form.

 

[Jeks]

Hold on to your reasons man, you got this.

 

[Z]

13 Days Completed

Tonight I almost had a wet dream. I woke up several times just thinking about sex. At the moment I think about sex a lot and the majority of my phantasies are about normal-looking women but having porn-like, rough sex with them or trying to convince them of surgery to achieve that unnatural look. Thinking about normal vanilla sex doesn't really move me (literally).
Then in one dream I looked at my phone and somehow a porn site popped up, showing thumbnails of 2 of my favourite scenes. I had the discipline to not click on them for the videos, instead I closed the site. Still, the pure pictures turned me on so much that I was about to have an ejaculation without touching or anything, but in last second I became half-awake and could stop the ejaculation (to my own surprise) by squeezing my pc-muscle. It's pretty cool how fast pc-muscle exercise becomes fruitful. A wet dream wouldn't be a disaster but if I can I want to avoid it to get the most out of this challenge.

In daily life, looking at women replaced porn for me. I'm always looking forward to leaving the house just to see goodlooking women. The cravings for porn so far have been pretty low and looking at real women became way more fun than before so there really might have been a 1:1 replacement. But still I'm not interested at all in talking to them, it's just about the visual "kick", maybe holding some eye contact. During the first days of this challenge I felt less masculine, confident and dominant than before because I slept less than usual (which has nothing to do with the challenge), since I paid attention to good sleep I'm back in the masculine state with high libido. The key seems to be a combination of abstraining from porn (and masturbation for part 1) and a lifestyle that maximizes my testosterone levels and my libido. This even includes things like having cool clothes on or having a cool haircut. Yesterday I was pretty optimistic that if I stay disciplined I could achieve my previously stated goals. Today it's the first day in a while where I was stupid enough to not get out of bed immediately after waking up and all the energy and libido is gone. I'll have to be active today and go to bed early, then I'll be back in my preferred state tomorrow.

Also, according to the test, I have PIED. There are times during the day where I get an erection pretty easily, but I have no control over these times. In a given moment, I can not achieve an erection without touching and without thinking about porn. It's hard to believe for me that this means PIED because in a situation with a real girl the stimuli are way stronger but even if it does I'm optimistic that I'll pass the test on day 92.

 

[Z]

Day 25

Because of the corona situation I'm spending my days at home and only rarely see real women of my age. It's crazy how fast this led to a change in my brain. Before my university closed due to corona, I was so caught up in catching eye contact with women everytime I left the house that I had to invent rules to limit this and keep a clear mind. 2 days of staying at home and I started fantasizing about bimbodolls the whole day while being not concerned about normal women at all. It wasn't even about bimbodolls that I used to watch before, my visual ideal became a level more extreme and was about the general imagination of a certain body shape, not about particular bimbodolls. When I went outside for some fresh air I only looked at women to visualize how they would look like with huge fake tits, as if they were just no sexual beings or another species with their normal bodies. I can still access the internet at university, I just can't enter the building. Last week the weather was pretty good so I could do all my internet work this way. From this week on it became too cold to sit outside for a longer amount of time so I decided to get a mobile internet flatrate. For my passion project I need to spend a few hours on the internet every week. I insert my sim card only when I need internet and put it out directly after that. Still, this doesn't work. Although I'm super dedicated to this challenge, after 20-60 minutes of internet I start looking up things that can be considered as mini-steps towards porn. Usually not even edging to it, it's an urge in my brain to get a particular information at a certain moment at all costs. This is what I did over the course of the last 3 days:
- Looked up implant sizes to see if I really like them this big
- Very quickly (1-2 minutes) looked up pictures of porn stars with respective bodies for the same reason including pictures of sex scenes, making an effort to stay detached and not getting turned on
- Browsed through sites of sex doll manufacturers for 20-30 minutes (I never did this before and it felt similar to browsing through porn videos but I could stop)
- Saw a few videos of men having sex with their sex dolls (I know this is weird and luckily there are not many of these videos out there)
- Watched 3 mini-documentaries about bimbodolls
- Looked up nudes of bimbodolls on google images for about 2-3 minutes
- Went to the instagram of my favourite girl at the time I stopped porn, a feed that is pretty unsexualized though. There were no new pictures and therefore I immediately closed it.

This might count as a relapse, I don't know. I still didn't fap and my libido is high, this gives me a high level of motivation to do my daily work and makes my workouts more intense. I always thought that after 7 days the energy level would decrease but in these 25 days it became higher from day to day. I like this state and the positive impact of it without the corona-isolation might be huge. There are ways of having an orgasm during sex without ejaculation, this might be the way to do it after this challenge.

The interesting point is that although these pictures certainly confirmed my ideal of the female body, the obsession in my head considerably decreased since I saw them. It's still there but before it was just overwhelmimg and I could barely think of anything else. From this perspective it's a relief now, on the other side it might just be a matter of time until this state reappears and I might have to overcome it without seeing any pictures as a part of my recovery process.

The no edging rule seems to be impossible. Often I wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and catch myself edging in semi-sleep. I'm far away from ejaculating but I have to pay attention here.

The important learning: There is no way I can allow myself to access the internet at home. Luckily I realize this early enough to avoid a longer porn or instagram session. I will take out my sim card now, hide it, and use it only when I need to talk to my family on the phone. Regarding my passion project I have to accept that I will have to limit the internet part of it and wait until the temperatures rise high enough to use outdoor hotspots. Respect to everyone on here who manages to stay away despite having private internet the whole time. For me this seems to be impossible.

As I managed to avoid losing myself in porn I'll continue counting the days. If I'll do any of the listed things again I'll consider it a relapse. This corona situation is unfortunate and makes this challenge way harder but there is no way to use it as an excuse to relapse as the time until I have to reach my stated goals keeps running. I will see almost no real girls in my daily life for at least 4 more weeks so it will be even more important to stay disciplined. It's part of my daily motivation and even of my motivation to stay disciplined with regards to this challenge here to visualize having sex with a woman who looks like the ones I would watch if I watched porn, it's impossible to get that out of my head right now. It became a part of my identity to work towards it as a long-term goal and it really makes me more disciplined with regards to things like university and working out. But in order to reach this goal it is necessary to make experiences with normal-looking women first and the simple way to go now is to just stay away from fapping and from watching porn by killing all possibilities of private internet access.

 

[Z]

After I wrote this post yesterday I immediately started watching porn for about 45 minutes until my phone battery went empty. Today after breakfast I moved my bed to get my sim card back and spend about 5-6 hours watching porn with some breaks in between. Masturbated twice. I'll have to start again. At least the fascination is gone now. I'll use up my remaining mobile data now, then it will be easier again. This 6-month challenge here keeps running.

The problem is this: "It's part of my daily motivation and even of my motivation to stay disciplined with regards to this challenge here to visualize having sex with a woman who looks like the ones I would watch if I watched porn, it's impossible to get that out of my head right now. It became a part of my identity to work towards it as a long-term goal (...)." This is not only a permanent trigger but working towards the long-term goal of having sex with a women that looks like a pornstar also makes it way harder for my brain to recover.

Today I could trace back my obsession with these surgically heavily enhanced women by reading my daily notes. Mid 2019 I decided to isolate myself completely by cutting off even the little social contact I had back then and starting to study from home. After a few weeks I started to make serious plans about how to "get" such a trophy wife one day and directed my whole life in that direction. This is when I became obsessed and started with sessions of several hours. Before that I knew that there are some extremely attractive women out there but they were not that interesting and the major amount of my sexual thoughts were related to girls I knew in person. When I started to be around people more from mid February until mid March the obsession went away almost completely, then it came back with corona. The point is: My porn obsession is strongly related to social isolation. And the ideal life that I envision every day is strongly related to my porn obsession. This obsession with enhanced women is not my natural state. Yes, I always preferred these kinds of women when watching porn but I did not prefer them over looking at real women until I started to isolate myself. I also remember that I stepped into a new phase of porn use after finishing high school, as the daily class room was gone I started to get into more extreme categories and started to build stronger fascinations for particular pornstars. My obsession is like a parasite that came with social isolation and took over my whole life design. Working towards having sex with enhanced women is not my natural state, it is a result of this parasite. Right now I'm treating this goal as the best thing on earth but I am blinded by my obsession and not able to see life in clarity. I need to get the obsession out of me before I can propose long-term goals again. If after that I still think that builing a life that attracts hot women is the way to go then that is cool but right now I am controlled by a parasite can't trust my current desires.

A modification of my challenge is required: I need to strictly dismiss everything sexual. Dismiss every sexual desire, even related to women I see on the street, every pleasant anticipation of the benefits of successfully completing this challenge. I need to cut out sex as a motivation in my daily affirmations. I need to force myself not to look at the attractive women I rarely see on the street. I need to shame edging and masturbation anyway, sleep in boxershorts and ignore my erection in the morning. I will completely repress and ignore my sexuality because it is infested by a parasite and if I embrace my sexual desires this parasite spreads over different parts of my identity. I will focus on that at least until June but won't stop before I notice that I have reached the previously proclaimed goals of my cold turkey phase.

This will cut off a big part of my purpose that motivates me to do my daily tasks, so I will have to replace it until I have reached enough clarity to redefine my purpose. I might see this first phase as a bootcamp to discipline myself and toughen me up mentally to build an extreme masculine mindstate completely unrelated to women. I will define that more clearly tomorrow but might not post it on here as I will finally eliminate my non-public internet acces now.

 

[Jeks]

A modification of my challenge is required: I need to strictly dismiss everything sexual. Dismiss every sexual desire, even related to women I see on the street, every pleasant anticipation of the benefits of successfully completing this challenge. I need to cut out sex as a motivation in my daily affirmations. I need to force myself not to look at the attractive women I rarely see on the street. I need to shame edging and masturbation anyway, sleep in boxershorts and ignore my erection in the morning. I will completely repress and ignore my sexuality because it is infested by a parasite and if I embrace my sexual desires this parasite spreads over different parts of my identity. I will focus on that at least until June but won't stop before I notice that I have reached the previously proclaimed goals of my cold turkey phase.

This will cut off a big part of my purpose that motivates me to do my daily tasks, so I will have to replace it until I have reached enough clarity to redefine my purpose. I might see this first phase as a bootcamp to discipline myself and toughen me up mentally to build an extreme masculine mindstate completely unrelated to women. I will define that more clearly tomorrow but might not post it on here as I will finally eliminate my non-public internet acces now.

100 % agree.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/is-my-fetish-porn-induced/

Your goals and the attempt to reboot your brain dont go along at the moment.
You have got to figure out other things, that will keep you motivated. For me i shifted my focus on not having the hottest girl, but just to be able to have a healthy and functional relationship. I also had to stop looking for girls for a while, because it got me triggered and developed to a compulsive behaviour after quitting porn. I couldnt watch women without fantasizing how they would look, when they would be in a porn scene. Even thinking about them naked, which seems like an innocent thing to do, got me triggered. Remember, what you are experiencing is not your actual sex drive or libido, but cravings. You will know the difference, when you get your real libido back.

 

[faenoe]

Hey Z,

I just read through your journal and I really appreciate all of the stuff that you have shared.

Have you noticed any specific triggers which make your brain get into the "need to look at porn to survive" rut? For me, it's stress but it could be totally different for you.

When I am feeling urges to look at porn, I always come online here to read through the journals. This helps my brain get out of that loop where it needs to look at porn and helps remind me of my goal to quit and leave it behind. September is coming up. You can reach your goal. We are here for you.

 

[Z]

Day 6

 

[Z]

Relapse. I'm loosing over and over again and this makes me think fuck this forum.

No PMO generates a certain energy, and if this energy is directed towards real women by being around them and interacting with them porn addiction can be overcome. It seems to be impossible to succesfully resist from it without providing new sexual stimuli.

Still I need a strategy that works in times of corona. I'll use masturbation as the last saver to prevent watching porn when my libido removes my willpower.

Note to myself: THE ONLY RULE IS TO NOT WATCH OR FANTASIZE ABOUT WOMEN FROM THE INTERNET. Fantasize about natural female bodies. It's nowhere near as good but there is no other way out. UNNATURAL WOMEN = STRONGER ALIENATION. Although my isolation currently feels good I need to get out of it before the bomb explodes.

 

[Jeks]

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-about-fantasizing-during-a-reboot/

When you really want to stop watching porn, i would really recommend you stop fantasizing ,even about sex, at least for a longer period of time. In the real shaky phase, even thinking about "normal" or "vanilla" sex or nudity, also even women i saw in real life, triggered me and snowballed into more porn-related fantasizing or the urge to watch porn.
When you reflect on your relapses, i am pretty sure that you will discover, that it always started with fantasizing, and maybe it wasnt something you even considered porn-related, but the problem is that your dopamine and hormonal systems might be really out of place right now, so that it just leads to porn fantasizing or cravings.
Its true that you also have to rewire to real sex and sexuality, but the most important therefore is to stop watching porn, even if you have to dispense the other stuff for a while.

 

[Z]

I appreciate your help Jeks. I thought the same 2 weeks ago. Refusing every sexual fanatasy with the parasite metaphor brought me in a lethargic state with no motivation to do anything.  This suppression burst out in a big relapse when I purposely went to the public room of my student dorm where I hide the internet cable at the middle of the night. The most stupid relapse I ever had and it went for 2 days.

Respect for your journey man. I try to limit my internet use as much as possible but occasionally look into your journal. You're ahead of me in this porn issue.

 

[Jeks]

Thats something a lot of guys experience and something you have to expect.
No problem

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-addiction-look-like/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/i-quit-using-porn-and-now-i-feel-worse-is-this-normal/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-am-i-feeling-so-sad-about-giving-up-porn/

 

[Z]

I just noticed how I already think of porn again. Actually I'm doing it all the time, if not consciously, then unconsciously.
It's not hardcore porn videos and not necessarily particular women or visual images, it's the concept of women undergoing surgery to achieve a supernatural look. This concept, combined with the thought that I have to reach a point where I can have sex with women of that kind is always, literally always present. It's so deep inside of me I have no idea how I can get it out.

In another way I think it's normal for my age. I'm just thinking of the wrong thing. If I would think about reaching a point where I can have sex with the most beautiful women of my direct surrounding it would be no problem at all. But this already feels colourless, there is just not much exciting about thinking of normal women. Somehow I have to access the deeper levels of my brain and convince them that this is the real deal.

But how is this possible? These instagram women are real and it is a totally reasonable goal to try to reach their level if I want to strive for the maximum. The problem is that they are, even objectivly, so much more beautiful than natural women. The size of the gap makes thinking of normal women colourless. I feel like an animal that has been trapped by its deterministic nature.

All this instagram model obsession started after I realized that life is all about sexual hierarchies. There seems to be no way out of this if I don't want to lie to myself. The only reasonable way to go seems to be: Try to ignore women from the internet as much as possible to start more social interactions which is a necessary step to reach a level of these super beautiful women. And this is so hard to implement, it's like a constant instruction that says "don't think of a pink unicorn".


Anyone who is reading this is very welcome to give his opinion on these last 2 paragraphs. Like I said, to me it seems like I'm stuck in a biological trap but I would be very glad to find out that this is a false impression.