Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)

[Z]

The last article hits the nail. Thanks Jeks. My additional problem is that I really see myself doing all this stuff at a point in future, in 10 years or so. I know it's ambitious and it might sound unrealistic but I think that I am lucky enough to have some preconditions for it. The only missing thing is my social alienation. It's a reasonable thought to give up a complete fictional harem. But my future goals turn this harem from something fictional to something that is - admittedly far - in front of me and that I just have to conquer. It doesn't have to be a harem, one women of this kind is already fulfilling. I'd love to read a story of someone with the same conceptual problem.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Hi Z,

I've been struggling with porn for a long time (5-6 years up to now). When I was 20 yo, I realized I had a real problem with it. I can identify a lot ot the stuff you tell in your posts. For me, my university experience was OK but I think I didn't do the most of it because I was PMOing a lot.

I understand the all the negative feelings that comes with each relapse. I just want to encourage you to make the real decisions in order to be the person you actually want to be.

 

[Jeks]

In another way I think it's normal for my age. I'm just thinking of the wrong thing. If I would think about reaching a point where I can have sex with the most beautiful women of my direct surrounding it would be no problem at all. But this already feels colourless, there is just not much exciting about thinking of normal women. Somehow I have to access the deeper levels of my brain and convince them that this is the real deal.

But how is this possible? These instagram women are real and it is a totally reasonable goal to try to reach their level if I want to strive for the maximum. The problem is that they are, even objectivly, so much more beautiful than natural women. The size of the gap makes thinking of normal women colourless. I feel like an animal that has been trapped by its deterministic nature.

All this instagram model obsession started after I realized that life is all about sexual hierarchies. There seems to be no way out of this if I don't want to lie to myself. The only reasonable way to go seems to be: Try to ignore women from the internet as much as possible to start more social interactions which is a necessary step to reach a level of these super beautiful women. And this is so hard to implement, it's like a constant instruction that says "don't think of a pink unicorn".

I think the distinction between real and unreal doesnt lead to a solution, when dealing with porn and porn addiction. A lot of guys dont escalate into material, which is not existent in the real world, but are getting problems with porn. The problem starts, when your dopamine is getting out of order and your brain starts craving for porn. When you get to a certain point, that is when dopamine receptors and you brain start to change, you can only get aroused and motivated by porn. Your natural motivators (normal sex, binding, food, success etc.) cant fullfill your need for dopamine anymore. Thats not only or not so much a psychological issue ("i have no idea how to get it out) its a neurological issue. Thats why we reboot ( you can also call it "getting sober"), so your brain can weaken the new pathways and strenghten new ones (as with any addiction).
Of course its normal to think about women, thats also why porn is so addictive. Thinking about sex is just a normal thing to do as a human and sex is the biggest natural motivator in our reward system.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos/your-brain-on-porn-how-internet-porn-affects-the-brain-2015/

 

[Z]

Day 1
After waking up I felt a need to punish myself and I immediately worked out as hard as I could for 2.5 hours without eating. Then I used the whole day to reflect on all this shit. I finally realized that my strong will to work towards a point in future where I can have sex with women who look like pornstars is just a sneaky way to satisfy my addiction.

It's always the same cycle. It will take about a week until strong cravings return and mental strength is needed. I want to use the following days this time to build a framework that keeps my motivation up. Rebooting is the highest priority of my life right now but this didn't reach my subconscience yet and in the important moments I just swipe away all my reasons. Today I wrote an affirmative text that I will write down by hand every day after breakfast and after dinner and in between listen to the audio version of it as much as possible. I also want to do a short post here every evening that sums up my cravings during the day.

Today there was one moment where I had a strong urge to watch the same picture that I fapped to yesterday. I desperately went through my phone to see it again but luckily I can't access the deleted files without internet connection. The trigger was thinking about how all this obsession has developed in recent months while laying in bed. Laying in bed is something I will have to avoid.

@TheSpaniard thanks for your comment, I understand what you mean. If I don't make it until September this might lead to a depression because of the feeling of missing out.

@Jeks Yes, today I realized as well that it (unfortunately) is no psychological issue. I think I finally have found the right frame for dealing with it. I'll post it tomorrow.

 

[Z]

Analysis of how porn could become such a big part in my sense of purpose

In mid 2018 I realized that the true mission underlying all goals of (young) men is to improve their position in the sexual hierarchy, which means being able to attract more attractive girls. Even if we work on goals that seem to be altruistic at first sight, the true subconsciously underlying motivation is to attract girls who share these altruistic goals.
For me the goal back then was to be able to attract girls like the most attractive girls from my high school year in about 2 years. This goal was nothing new but the acceptance of this realization made me feel more at one with myself.
Back then I watched porn 1-2x a week for the purpose of enjoying masturbation more. I was by choice socially pretty isolated, wasn't really interested in interacting with real girls and probably already addicted, but I could limit it to set times and thought that I would just quit as soon as I'm the person I wanted to be. Pornstars were pure fiction, no people of real life.

In late 2018 I found out that the mentioned girls from high school have public profiles on another social media platform. I saved the best pictures on my phone and everytime I would feel a lack of motivation I would just take a look at them and then continue to work on my goals. Soon it became the first thing I did after waking up in the morning. It made my life more intense and passionate. I still used pornstars for masturbation because I would feel weird masturbating to women I might reencounter in real life.

In early 2019 I coincidentally stumbled across an instagram model that looked like the perfect-looking woman for me. I always avoided looking at instagram models but I didn't know they were THAT good-looking. She had even bigger enhanced curves than my favourite pornstars and - the best thing - wasn't a pornstar but a normal women. I immediately became hooked. Of course she soon became boring and I started looking for more. I found out that there are hundreds of women like this and that extreme plastic surgery seems to be not only for pornstars. Those women were the top of the sexual hierarchy, the trophies that I should strive for, I thought.

I created a second instagram account just to browse through all these instagram models. It became a daily habit to do that and the best thing about all this was thinking that if I work hard on my goals, I will have sex with such women one day. It did a good job as motivation, recalling the images I had watched as final goals created a strong drive and passion to work harder. Over time my brain got trained to do that all the time. Step by step the pictures of girls from my high school year I had saved in my secret app were replaced by pictures of instagram models. Step by step my future dreams changed from 1-2 years ahead to 8-10 years ahead. My daily life became even more passionate. I had tended to have episodes of slight depression before but those were now far away.
My masturbation sessions that I had 1-2x a week became longer: First clicking through instagram, then through porn videos. That way my sex drive merged not only with porn videos, but also with pictures of instagram models combined with the thought that I will have sex with such women one day.

In late 2019 and since I started this journal I found several instagram pages who would promote women that were openly embracing plastic surgery. It was an open secret that mainstream instagram models used surgical enhancements but these new women saw plastic surgery as their way of self realization. Something about this got me obsessed. Adopting the long-term goal of being in a relationship with such a woman while sexually objectifying her to the extreme triggered something in me. It became my big passion, ever-present in my daily thoughts. These women represented extreme femininity to me and in return I spend tons of hours reflecting about increasing my masculinity and this actually worked.
By now I got used to such an unnatural look that I don't even find the mentioned girls from high school attractive.

 

[faenoe]

I remember how big of a difference it made for me when I left instagram. It's a battlefield that is completely stacked against you. Back when the porn bots were really bad, I relapsed multiple times completely out of the blue. But like that last article Jeks posted, you gotta leave it behind. What's more important, "staying socially relevant", or quitting porn? It's not easy but just like when you have super-glued your fingers on your dominant hand together, you realize that your brain is capable of adapting and it can learn how to replace learned habits with new ones.

 

[Z]

Yes instagram is very dangerous. The only reason why I still have it is that I work as an artist and need instagram as a platform to make my money to live. I only use it for business purposes and uninstalled the app. But even without an account it's easy to access particular pages immediately through the browser.

 

[Z]

Day 2

Last night in my dreams I saw images of women from instagram, and sometimes it took me a few seconds to be able to suppress them. It's a good sign that I was fighting against them in my dreams. During the day I had no sexual desire and no cravings at all. I put so many clothes on my bed that I couldn't just lay there, this is helpful because my bed seems to be a trigger.

 

[Z]

This evening I didn't write my affirmation text on paper but translated it into English.

Affirmation text

I'm strongly addicted to porn. Because of my porn addiciton my brain has been reprogrammed and by that my whole sexuality turned into a sick state which made me isolate completely from the outer world. For my brain sex means stimulation through a screen or phantasizing about the far future.

In early puberty I had the misfortune of being very shy. Instead of gathering experiences with girls I quickly created my own world by porn and therefore reprogrammed my brain over 9 (!) years without realizing it.

A proof is the fact that the imagination of kissing a normal, goodlooking woman creates more disgust than pleasure inside myself.
Another proof is the fact that within 22 (!) years I never experienced a strong desire to have sexual contact with a woman of my direct environment.

Within the last two years my addiction has drastically solified. Purely hedonistic masturbation would make me feel ashamed and I have avoided this feeling by believing that one day I will have sex with women like the women I masturbated to. This is just a method of my addictive behavior to increase dopamin release. Real sexuality is directed towards immediate sex, maybe sex in a week but it can not work towards a point in several years. The belief about my future comes from my craving for porn, not from my natural sexuality. Moving through the sexual hierarchy is like climbing up a ladder where you always focus 99% of your sexuality on women of your direct enviromment and then move up step by step. Right now my whole focus is on becoming the person I want to be until September.

For my brain it seems like I own a harem and the subconscious memory of the related pleasure leads to cravings to watch or at least imagine porn. Additionally all these porn sessions have lowered my dopamine receptors so much that to get my main motivation to do something I have to associate it with porn fantasies. Again: The goal of having sex with a particular kind of woman in the far future is a pure porn fantasy. If I stop all that shit, for my brain it will seem like I became so crazy that I leave my harem. It will try all possible ways to bring me back into old behavioural pattern. It will demonstrate that in contrast to porn everything is colourless and I might develop lacking daily motivation and depressive thoughts.

But I will have to go through that. To reach the next level I will have to socially re-integrate in September. It's impossible to do that while being addicted to porn, because this leads to a too low dopamine release in social interactions. I have long enough watched my life passing by. It will take two months, maybe longer, in which I will have to completely abstain from porn, porn fantasies, edging and masturbation. If I stay disciplined, my brain will adopt a natural state in which I have never been with good testosterone levels. The time until them might feel like hill. But I want to prove the strength of being able to go through that, no matter how this might influence other areas of my life. I'm no hedonistic wimp.

Everytime a porn fantasy or craving for porn appears, I suppress it with the following two thoughts:
1. This is just my addiction trying to get new dopamine.
2. If I give in this will only alienate me more from the outer world.

 

[Z]

Day 3

Last night there was a pornstar in my dreams, on a screen as well as in person. I didn't fight against it if I remember correctly. This morning after I woke up I had a strong urge to see a few particular pictures. It took me quite a few seconds to suppress it. During the day it was better. Today on the street I saw two different women that I felt a strong physicial attraction towards. When I saw the second one I felt a strong urge to do some more work on my current projects. I know I shouldn't be looking at women too much but I iust couldn't resist. There were no porn fantasies coming up.

 

[Z]

Day 4

Had fantasies of having (pornlike) sex with a hooker coming up after waking up and towards the end of my workout. Besides that no sexual desire or cravings. It always takes about 7 days after ejaculation before considerable sexual desires come up. I hope this will happen faster after I'm disconnected from porn.

 

[Z]

Day 5

After a powernap I had a strong urge to go outside and see women. Not to talk to them, just to see them and in the best case hold eye contact. Probably my brain is trying to get its dopamine. It's less satisfying though because the dopamine release is less frequent and there is no happy end. Tonight there were pornstars in my dreams but overall it's pretty easy to resist right now.

 

[Jeks]

You are doing good z. You will have to figure out, if meeting girls right now is beneficial for you or not. That seems to differ for each person and also the state of your brain rebalancing seems to play a role in it. Just keep in mind that sex often causes the chaser effect, the same happened to me with every kind of orgasm or dtrong sexual interaction.

 

[Z]

Day 6

Again I had pretty strong fantasies about having sex with prostitutes. At the moment I have to store the internet cable in my room to make sure nobody steals it and today I took it out to do some research how the prostitutes in my area look like. I know this was stupid but it didn't turn me on or excite me at all, it made my disillusioned and I think I won't fantasize that much about them anymore. Strictly speaking it might count as porn but I didn't feel any dopamine rushes and could just stop so I won't count it as porn, it shouldn't happen again though.

Meeting women is not an option right now, even if there was no coronavirus. All the social stuff unrelated to sex is still just too strange to me. The things that really interest me are quite specific and I have no idea how I could connect with women on a social level. Probably it will take more than a reboot to overcome this social alienation but I'll figure out solutions until September.

 

[Z]

Day 7

A day of studying with not much sexual stuff going on. At the moment I'm waking up without an alarm and it became a habit to start edging after waking up, I should stop that. In the evening when I went for a walk I saw a women on the other side of the road and noticed how I appreciated the natural healthy feminine body shape. During the day there were occasionally porn flashbacks coming up but they always faded away after a few seconds. As predicted the idea of having sex with a prostitute became way less appealing. Finding attractive women who are really and strongly into me seems to be the real deal.

 

[Jeks]

Nice job z.

Be careful about edging though.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-if-i-masturbate-edge-or-watch-porn-without-orgasm/

 

[Z]

Day 8

Similar day to yesterday. This streak seams to be easier than the previous ones. The key was my mindshift to recognize my sense of purpose as porn, not natural. I'm able to use the internet without switching to porn which was almost impossible previously. Still, I haven't kicked porn out of my sense of purpose totally yet. There are several moments where a relapse feels not to far away, it only takes a few seconds. I really don't want to fuck it up this time.

A good thing about edging is that I'm actually fantasizing mostly about having sex with real women. But if it becomes a habit it's just a new way of linking my sexuality to a specific dopamine stimulation.

 

[Z]

Day 9

On Day 8 I did what I needed the internet cable for and as there was an online lecture the next morning, I thought I could keep the internet acces for that lecture. And I watched that lecture, but after that I kept surfing online. I googled how to control ejaculation during sex, then clicked through images of hookers in my area (again) and then watched porn videos for about 20 minutes. I was edging to it but did not ejaculate. After 20 minutes I closed it, went outside and put my nternet cable back to the common room. Watching porn used to be an obsessive search for a new scene for me, this wasn't the case here. I just clicked through a few scenes from my memory and it wasn't such a strong dopamine release as in the past. It doesn't even feel like a relapse.

My sex drive is very high right now, but I don't care that much about watching porn and masturbating, I want to have real sex. It I could make a magic trick by which I could skip all the conversation stuff so that only the sexual part takes place, I would be very interested in real women. If I fantasize about sex, it doesn't make much difference if it's about pornstars, instagram models, normal women or hookers, that's a big change that occured recently. When I wrote that hookers aren't that interesting, I was wrong. I found out that there actually are very good-looking and at the same time very affordable hookers that I'd love to have sex with. This makes me think that it might really be the social alienation and not porn that draws me away from real women. On the other side I feel like being sexual confident would make it way easier to flirt with real women and treat my alienation playfully. Thats why hookers might be a good idea.

If there was no lockdown, the only thing that would keep me away from going to hookers would be performance anxiety. I fear that I might have PIED and also that I might ejaculate already after a few seconds. For the latter there are exercises that can't be combined with no masturbation though. I'm not sure about the PIED test. There are moments where I don't get an erection no matter if I fantasize about porn or normal women and then I sometimes wake up at night and get easily aroused very quickly. However PIED is no yes/no thing, it's a spectrum where I want to be in the 100% healthy state. If I think about all the porn-edging sessions I had over the last 3 years it is safe to assume that I am not there and this is the reason why I have to keep this no masturbation rule. I'll keep doing no PMO until the 15th June.

Although my sleep quality is terrible I'm feeling very good at the moment. When I speak to others I feel very masculine and confident. I see many women outside that I'd love to have sex with if I could skip the social stuff. I want to always feel like that. I wonder if I'm in this state just because I haven't fapped for a while but there's no sense in trying it out.

 

[Z]

Day 10 / Day 1

I spent some hours at the campus where many women passed my view. It was crazy how many women I considered to be attractive. Especially their body shape attracts me way more than it used to, even a "normal" body shape is attractive now. Later at home I did some edging while fantasizing about having sex with "normal" women and I took it too far and ejaculated against my will. Now it will be interesting to see whether my attraction for normal women was only because of 9 days of no ejaculation or also because my brain is less on porn. I'm writing this on the next day and I'm still very turned on by normal women! Although I slept only for 2-3 hours tonight. Only my fantasies could be more intense, I'm just not used to it and don't have any experiences that I could remember. I can get an erection by that if I really want to, but it takes time and physical stimulation. I think I'm on a good way.

 

[Z]

Again I was at the campus and again I felt strong physical attraction for many women I saw. This is very good news for me, it always used to be 2-4 days of no sexuality after ejaculating which was one of my major concerns. Later at home the same as yesterday happened: I edged to a point where I couldn't control ejaculation, although I could keep it at low intensity. This masturbation while thinking about real women feels healthy to me, like a reprogramming of my sexuality. I learned something new today which will enable me to have longer sex but my PC muscle is still not strong enough if the critical point is reached. That's why I want to exercise it more intense for 14 days and in the meantime abstain from edging and masturbation. I'm curious how much more progress is possible.

In general I don't have to be as strict as other rebooters though. Looking at and fantasizing about real natural women seems to be healthy for me. Even masturbation probably is but I'm not fully sure yet. I don't have any porn cravings and it seems like my addiction wasn't as bad as for many others here. But I want to do 14 days of no PMO now and tomorrow is day 1.