Heavy addicts small victories

[KittyHawk]

Day 06

Orbiter, ShadeTrenicin: Thank you both for kind words.

Sleeping is becoming tough. A lot of tossing and turning and waking up in the middle of the night. But that's not new or surprising to me. I've been here multiple times. Can't wait to get rid of frequent P urges and get into the flatline phase. 

I plan on keeping daily entries here. It keeps reminding me that this is my main goal in life now. I am also using a daily tracker in a phone app.

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 07

Very strong urges this morning but I managed to keep them at bay. Funny how there is a clear distinction between PMO urges and being ready for real sex. I am sure I have a complete PIED still, mostly caused by the superlong edging a week ago. No morning wood, no desire to have a real sex, but my brain is asking for it's favorite fix.

I keep struggling to find motivation for my work and hobbies. I am at least keeping myself physically active with gardening and working out.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Kittyhawk,

How did your day go? Managed to keep all the urges at bay today? 


Good luck man!

 

[Orbiter]

I think when the lows hit and motivation is difficult, it's best to make sure not to become down that you're not finding the pleasure from hobbies and interests as it will pass soon enough. Perhaps keeping active & occupied with simpler busy work is the way to go?

Of course it's also good to remember if you're at day 7, you're probably going through withdrawals at the moment. Patience, staying busy and not overthinking things will hopefully see you through.

We're all rooting for you as always man. Hope things are going well.

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 11
My reboot keeps going pretty good. I did MO at the end of 7th day to be honest since I perceived it as a lesser evil, as my last P edging binge without any O 11 days ago left a lot of pent up urges. The urges are almost non existent now. I do still have mood swings and trouble sleeping though. Yesterday, I was weirdly happy and optimistic for no apparent reason. 

 

[Orbiter]

Congratulations on the great run you're having at the moment KittyHawk. The routine and mindset you seem to have at the moment is serving you well. Though it's important to identify what doesn't work and why we lapse, it's also good to make sure to stop and think of what is working and why so we can add it to our strategy toolbox of sorts (even simple things like the phone outside the bedroom etc.)

I wouldn't sweat the MO myself. It is DEFINITELY the lesser evil and as long as you avoided the chaser effect which you did, i'm sure one MO won't set you back much.

Keep up the good work!

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 12

Thank you, Orbiter. Yes, I am also learning to treat myself better - to pay attention to stress, boredom, and hard work in my life. I found out to be less prone to relapse, when I'm having a balanced and satisfying life.

Today, I woke up with a hint of a morning wood (maybe 20% erection) and remembering a lightly erotic dream.
I also noticed 2 things when I manage to abstain from PMO for longer time:
1) Time slows down - I kept complaining last couple years about how fast time flows but now it looks like it was at least partially because I was in a constant state of brain fog. I manage to get a lot of things done.
2) I am more witty and quick to react - My banter improved a lot. Due to coronavirus social distancing, I am noticing it only in communication with my wife right now but I am sure it will be the same with others. I am suddenly able to respond with witty comments. It just comes naturally.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

hey KittyHawk,

Great progress so far! And good to see that you're noticing small improvements! It shows you that it's worth all the effort and the emotional roller coaster.
The time thing is something that is recognizable indeed!

Keep going on man, great job so far!

I'm rooting for you

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 17

I can't believe it has been already 17 days. I noticed some improvements but I am far from healed. Some days the urges to watch P are overwhelming. Some days I even opened P just to close it after a short time. I don't want to got back.

Last couple days status: mood swings, no morning wood, just seeing nude woman (be it my wife or some scene on TV) does nothing to me (which is disturbing, I want to be aroused just by looking), the only time I am aroused is when I think about MOing or PMOing. So it is safe to say I am not rewired yet.

Still, I think this is a big reason to celebrate. I can't even recall last time I went 17 days without PMO.

 

[Orbiter]

Hi KittyHawk,

Congratulations on the 17 days! Stay the course and i'm sure you'll be at 34 and beyond in good time. Do you feel like there's something different in your mindset or your approach this time around?

Though it's important to report and be aware of where the brain & body are at in this process. I feel we should all be careful not to dwell TOO much on the lack of arousal at this stage. You're brain is slowly changing at the moment, this is a symptom of it and a sign that you're healing. Is there something you can find something you can to focus your attention on instead of current morning woods or things like that? If the brainfog & confusion is too strong, maybe break it down into a to-do list of things you can & would like to get done?

Keep up the great work KittyHawk, this is indeed a big reason to celebrate.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey KittyHawk,

Congrats on the 17 days! amazing achievement! Don't stress to much about not being aroused by nudity! As you've probably read in other threads, it sometimes just takes a while for that to return!

Keep your eye on the ball and don't lose focus of your main goal, even though it takes longer than anticipated.
You're doing the best thing possible!

Keep it up man, i'm rooting for you!

 

[KittyHawk]

Thanks everyone for kind words of encouragement. Somehow it makes it even harder to write the following though.

I did relapse at the end of day 17 (May 15) and I relapsed badly today again (this time about 4h long edging session).
I am depressed and worried I just erased all the recent progress.... another weeks of my life went down the gutter.

The longer I last without relapse, the stronger I usually feel that it is different this time. But it ain't. When the urge hits me, I am like on autopilot and I am silencing all the alarms in my brain.

I don't want to give up and I won't. But at the same time I am worried I might not be able to break free from this ever. That scares me to death.

 

[KittyHawk]

I think the main reason why I am so damn upset about the relapse is that I was planning on trying sex with my wife this upcoming weekend. Now I feel like there's no point in trying and I completely lost that opportunity. I probably fried my recovering brain to much and it will be PIED as usual.

I am trying to figure out what makes me relapse....lately I weeded out almost all the triggers (like having phone next to bed) and only a single one remains... when I have to work on my computer and it is boring. The truth is I don't like some of the work I do....it bores me but that shouldn't be an excuse. I have to be able to perform also mundane tasks and not relapse. I have to figure out what to do about this.

 

[goingpublic]

Too bad you relapsed. Also still congrats on the streak.

Kind of funny, I relapsed on the same day and had a 16 day streak.

Does your wife know about your problem?

A wierd tip that helped me: if you have urges just smile (just force yourself to make the facial expression). That dampens the urge for me. Maybe it helps you.

I've haven't read it allready I would urge you to read this post: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=18477.0 "Urgent Reading For Those Rebooters taking a LONG Time!"

Cheers!

 

[Orbiter]

Hi KittyHawk, sorry to hear about the recent relapses. I did the same recently and can relate to the dissappointment and feelings of despondency you're clearly experiencing right now. I've been thinking about your posts much of today and had some thoughts and feelings about them that I hope can be of some help.

One thing I hope you understand when the dust settles and things become a bit clearer that this has not been time wasted. Perhaps if life merely revolved around abstaining from PMO and monitoring the firmness of erections, one might be justified in feeling this way, but of course we both know it doesn't. The insights you've had journaling, the benefits you've percieved, quality of time that you have spent with your wife, and time taken to heal your brain are benefits that the relapse has not taken away from you. Dwelling on this in such a way is our addicted brains tricking us into believing there's no hope which only justifies more relapses. These thoughts are a trap we do not have to fall for.

Do not worry, do not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.

Re planned liasons with the wife, unless you're facing pressure to do so from her, there's no need to worry about sex right now. Maybe try giving yourself a week to get your head clear and see where you're at. The opportunity will be there when you're ready and so will she.

One thing I was struck me was the four hour long edging session you were talking about. I'm wondering, especially given the careful measures you've put in place to limit phone and computer usage plus the presence of your wife being around, how you were able to make the time to edge for four hours? What time of day or night was it? Where was she? What room of the house were you in at the time? What were you doing before you started? What was running through your mind leading up to it etc. I think if perhaps we break down some more details, perhaps a deeper trigger and some practical strategies could be thought of.

Rooting for you as always KittyHawk. You can do this!

 

[KittyHawk]

DAY 01

I let me frustration to generate something positive and I decided to live like "I was there." I feel like I spent my whole life waiting for something to happen before I start enjoying life (enough money, being free from PMO, being absolutely healthy, and so on).
I am now creating my ideal life piece by piece. I started running this morning. 20 minutes were all it took me to realize how much out of shape I am. But I plan on keep running every morning if possible.
I felt great after the run. Boys, try cardio! We all focus on working out while rebooting, probably because we want to be "real men" after reboot and have all these muscles but cardio proved for me to be much more beneficial as far as mood improving goes.

goingpublic: Thanks for the tip with smiling and the link. I don't think my PIED would take so long as he describes if only I was able to last at least 2-3 months. Just judging from my partial reboots in the past. Also, I started abusing PMO only after I was 18, so maybe I have some benefit there. But my psychological addiction is really bad right now.

Orbiter: You are right, I am hardly back on square zero, even if the PIED progress went all away (which I can't tell for sure it did). I understand you being puzzled by 4 hour edging I got myself into. Well, it wasn't 4 uninterrupted hours, I had breaks - during which I was still too aroused for not to return to it. And I work from home office now due to coronavirus - which made things way more challenging and it was low workload day.

Still, considering the coronavirus throwing a curve ball on my progress this February, I think I did decent so far. Looking back at my phone app, that I am using daily to track my progress since February, the number of days I relapsed is as follows:
February: 8 relapses
March: 8 relapses
April: 5 relapses
May: so far 2 relapses (and I have every intention to keep it at 2!)

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 02

I am having a lot of urges today... probably some delayed chaser effect from two days ago.
I realized I always relapse within few days after stopping daily entries here. Probably the same time I grew too complacent.

So I'll do my best to post here at least a short text every day.

 

[Orbiter]

I think keeping up the daily journal entries, regardless of how short or what they contain is in itself a benefit. As a ritual, I can see how it's a good daily reminder that we're still committed and focused towards achieving the goal of being ultimately free of this.

Keep up the good work KittyHawk

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 03

So far, I keep doing my morning runs. What a mood changer! However, I might take a break tomorrow morning as my leg muscles are too stretched and sore.

Some urges today, but nothing too bad. I am having very productive week overall. If it wasn't for the recent relapse, I would be doing great!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey KittyHawk,

Bummer man, but no worries as the other guys and you yourself have acknowleged; all is not lost. The track record you displayed from feb to may is actually showing a decreasing line! So great work.

Keep on going on those runs btw, a good run fills you with endorphins and they make you feel good!!! Additionally you feel happy with the healthy activity, so keep it up! And regarding work out in general, wether its muscles, runs, biking sessions or just hiking. Any physical activity is good for you! And as they say in Germany (i think) a healthy body helps to get a healthy mind!

So dont sulk to much, keep your chin up! You're still in this to win and you've got a crowd of supporters (us)!


Cheers and as always rooting for you!