Heavy addicts small victories

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello KittyHawk,

We are with you in this moment and we are not naive to think that we're impeccable.
I won't say how sorry that is or anything, because it's irrelevant.
Right now focus on the chaser, think about what lead you there and maybe take some hard changes for the next few days.
Once again, be nice to yourself, never give into bad emotions about this, it will only help the urge come back harder. So, hop on again and keep going!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

I relapsed this morning. 
It is becoming very hard to admit it here in the forum.
I have a feeling that after so much time and posting, I should show some progress. Like in school or something.

Anyway, it is day 0 for me.

Hey KittyHawk,

You have nothing to prove to us and there are no boundary conditions for you to meet to be a part of this forum.
You, my friend, are a porn addict, and according to the oxford dictionary, addiction means the following;

an inability to stop doing or using something, especially something harmful

That is what an addiction is, the inability. If you were capable of stopping like that, it wouldn't be an addiction.
Let me say this to you once again; you have nothing to prove to us nor do you have to apologize or anything like that.

I assume that you are not doing this for us, but for yourself. Just remember that we are here to support each other. No matter how much you fall down, we will be there for you.
We also know how hard it is to stop. We all have fallen down many times. So we don't care if you fall 1, 10 or 100 times.. We understand.

And you say there is no progress; but i think there is. You have gained insight, you help us out by commenting and providing support, you know what's happening to you.
Progress in beating an addiction should not be measured purely by how much you relapse or how much time there is between relapses. Progress is made in your mind. The understanding of your suffering, the emotions that are tied to your addiction, mapping your triggers and traps. And you are doing that as we speak. In fact a relapse is a great opportunity to learn.

So, you get back on that horse again and keep your chin up because you have nothing to be ashamed off.

Just try to forgive yourself and accept that you are human. Being human means that you will 'fail' your own made up goals. And that is perfectly ok!

Im rooting for you man!

 

[Andrew1973]

Great words from Shade with which I totally concur. We're with you KH - equals, partners, friends.
In many respects, most of the growth comes from the failures. All great athletes and sports teams use the losses to analyse what went wrong, why, and improve as they prepare and train for the next big game.
I can't help but thinking that this relapse started to build a week or so ago with the peeking at porn - do you agree, or were there other factors to identify and be aware of next time around?
Wishing you well as you get back on the horse. Take care.

 

[Orbiter]

It's hard to think of something to say when all the posters above have articulated my thoughts so well. Not all success in this journey is defined by days clean or our erection strength. One of the most important things about our journal is that in making daily entries, it shines light on progress and ways to improve that are often hidden from us by our own negative biases. The addiction is telling you to give up and making you feel guilty for posting about relapsing. I know because i've gone down the same path many times and there are numerous entries in my journal that are evidence to where that leads.

You've got a lot of people here who care about your success in this struggle and a lot of people who might be in the same boat and need to read something that they can relate their struggles to. Your contribution here has value, don't give up.

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 1

Thank you all for kind words. And you are absolutely right.

Interesting thing is that I relapsed exactly on a day that was suppose to be a big new start for me....I prepared myself mentally to make June a completely "clean" month. This is not the first time when I relapsed exactly when I thrived the most for success. Maybe it creates an additional pressure/stress?

Either way, these "important moments" seem to be dangerous. Therefore I am deciding not to aim for a specific goal like 60 or 90 days. I feel like I would relapse day before, exactly on it, or day after. I'll just go as long as I can and count the days only for my record.

I do not measure level of success by morning wood anymore...I noticed I have it sometimes after the day I relapsed and/or edged. Other times I am 10 days completely clean and completely dead down there (flatline). Out of those 2 scenarios a prefer the latter.

 

[Orbiter]

Any news KittyHawk? Hope you're doing okay.

 

[KittyHawk]

I am doing fine, thanks for asking Orbiter. I did relapse on June 3rd right after my last post. But I am holding on since then....currently 7 days.

I decided not to focus so much on abstaining from PMO and simply avoid internet devices as much as possible and focus on my offline hobbies. I plan on stopping by occasionally here.

 

[Orbiter]

Great job on the week clean KittyHawk. It'll be a shame to not have you around as much but of course you need to do what you need to do and focusing on offline hobbies can only be a shift in the right direction.

Don't be a stranger, looking forward to an update in the future.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey KittyHawk,


Great job on the 7 day streak. Offline hobbies are a great way of passing time and feeling good.
Good luck with that, but please keep us updated once in a while.


Im rooting for you

 

[KittyHawk]

Checking in.

Quick MO last Monday. I know it might prolong getting rid of PIED but it makes things way more manageable for me. I can't count how many times I relapsed to a half day long PMO binge just because I was too horny to think straight.

15 days of no porn. (4 days of hard mode, although I no longer fixate on that)

 

[Orbiter]

Personally i'm not entirely convinced the occasional MO harms our recovery THAT much. The main reason I abstain from it is because I usually fully relapse within the week when I do.

15 days is a great achievement KittyHawk! Sounds like whatever you're doing at the moment is working well.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Most important thing is to stay off PMO.
For this your approach is working for you right now and i think it's also about trying out different strategies.

For me the strategy was to not PMO often, always done quick, for about 3 years. In the end i still had symptoms as you can imagine, but i was more in control.

How long do you wanna go with that strategy?

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 16

I think I might be getting into a flatline. Sometimes it surprises me how uninterested in sex I am right now.

I have trouble sleeping, I am waking up before alarm clock every day. Occasional morning wood, but from my observation it is usually also tied to having a full bladder.

Mood swings are common now.

Had some urges to watch P today, but didn't give in.

Thanks everyone for support.

imsorrynotsorry: Forever, if it works. I plan on occasionally trying things with my wife.

 

[Orbiter]

I've found sleeping troubles (as well as the mood swings) are often part of the withdrawal process, I usually struggle with them around the period where you're at. If the flatline is coming, make the most of it and enjoy the break from the more aggressive, constant urges.

It seems like letting the reboot do it's thing in the background while you focus on some other areas of life is working out well for you at the moment. Be sure not to push yourself too hard, especially if you're sleep deprived and i'm sure some of your current issues will pass.

Congratulations on the 16 days, keep up the great work!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey KittyHawk,

I second what Orbiter just mentioned and want to add that i also recognize those feelings. Especially around the period you are in.
About the flatline, as frustrating and de-masculating it might feel. Indeed see it as a break from constantly fighting those urges. Eventually life will return to your member. In the meantime you can focus on rewiring your brain.

Good luck my friend, stay safe, stay healthy. I'm rooting for you

 

[KittyHawk]

Day 20

I feel constantly tired since yesterday. Sometimes depressed.

It is hard to distinguish what comes from withdrawal, what from pollen allergies, and what from just having a burnout (it's been busy and stressful at work). It doesn't help that it is an election year here in US and both sides are bombarding public space with doom and gloom visions to keep people polarized. I repeatedly planned on cutting out news completely but failed so far.

I expected to feel better after a relaxing weekend, but hey, it is what it is right now. At least somewhere in the corner of my head I am happy about winning over PMO lately.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Nicely said.
Even when everything is not working in our favors, we still can be in control of PMO. At times i take my energy and motivation also out of that i'm PMO-free since long time.

 

[KittyHawk]

Back to Day 0.

I relapsed today after three weeks of a good streak. Probably because of a high stress at work.
I am trying not to be too harsh on myself right now but my mood is definitely very low.

 

[Orbiter]

Three weeks is nothing to feel bad about KittyHawk. Progress is progress setback or not. Go easy on yourself the next few days and i'm sure you'll be able to bounce back. Don't hesistate to post whenever you feel you need an extra bit of support too.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey KittyHawk,

Sucks man, but you know the drill; get back up on that horse.

And exactly what Orbiter said; also come on here when you feel that you're in need of help. Especially then we can be there for you (although not directly) but the process of writing it of and reading other things can help you stay strong.


Take care my friend, I am rooting for you