Heavy addicts small victories
- Thread starter KittyHawk
- Start date
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Excellent KittyHawk (where does your name come from? And is that an actual star trek logo you have for an avatar? 8) )
Just keep it up like this!
Just keep it up like this!
KittyHawk
Active Member
Day 06
ShadeTrenicin: My nickname refers to an aircraft carrier and yes, it is Starfleet logo from Star Trek
No PMO, doing my morning running most days, which also helps me sleep. On the days I skipped the run I had trouble sleeping.
Also the usual mood swings and urges keep returning. I noticed it takes very little now to get aroused but virtual (screen) still creates a way stronger response than real life. Time to get rid of that wrong wiring for good.
ShadeTrenicin: My nickname refers to an aircraft carrier and yes, it is Starfleet logo from Star Trek
No PMO, doing my morning running most days, which also helps me sleep. On the days I skipped the run I had trouble sleeping.
Also the usual mood swings and urges keep returning. I noticed it takes very little now to get aroused but virtual (screen) still creates a way stronger response than real life. Time to get rid of that wrong wiring for good.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
That's the spirit, let's get rid of it!
as a fellow trekkie I am rooting for you!
as a fellow trekkie I am rooting for you!
KittyHawk
Active Member
Day 09
Got sidetracked from journaling and even from keeping it completely hardmode. I did open P on day 8 and did M a little but stopped myself soon. Still, I felt terribly guilty afterwards.
Hard deciding whether to "restart the clock" or not.
I decided not to so I can keep my morale high but admit it here, so it's not lying to myself and others.
So far my PIED and urges are not gone in the slightest. But I see one fundamental change..... last couple relapses, small or big, I feel really sad right after. It might be a good thing I guess. I dont know.
I am also revisiting an older idea - I will try to treat myself as if I was my best friend. Basically being kind to myself.
Got sidetracked from journaling and even from keeping it completely hardmode. I did open P on day 8 and did M a little but stopped myself soon. Still, I felt terribly guilty afterwards.
Hard deciding whether to "restart the clock" or not.
I decided not to so I can keep my morale high but admit it here, so it's not lying to myself and others.
So far my PIED and urges are not gone in the slightest. But I see one fundamental change..... last couple relapses, small or big, I feel really sad right after. It might be a good thing I guess. I dont know.
I am also revisiting an older idea - I will try to treat myself as if I was my best friend. Basically being kind to myself.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey KittyHawk,
I don't know how you did that, but i never could. So, you are able to interrupt the mechanism of escalation and self-lying. This is far more worth than 8 or 9 days. Let it be a warning to you, ok?
Now, what lead you there? What were your thoughts? Did you understood in that moment that PMO is a part in your life you don't want?
I don't know how you did that, but i never could. So, you are able to interrupt the mechanism of escalation and self-lying. This is far more worth than 8 or 9 days. Let it be a warning to you, ok?
Now, what lead you there? What were your thoughts? Did you understood in that moment that PMO is a part in your life you don't want?
Kittyhawk,
I have found that during the hard mode 90 I had to avoid everything. It was pretty tough, but no edging, or M of any sort, no fantasizing or anything. All of that stuff results in slipping down the slope. My relapse was pretty tame by most peoples standards, but I knew my brain was indulging in the old brain patterns. I could feel it just like it used to be, and my attitude went right back to junk as well. A relapse to me is not necessarily doing exactly what you used to do, as the longer you've been away from it doesn't take very much to get the rush.
Stay strong brother!
I have found that during the hard mode 90 I had to avoid everything. It was pretty tough, but no edging, or M of any sort, no fantasizing or anything. All of that stuff results in slipping down the slope. My relapse was pretty tame by most peoples standards, but I knew my brain was indulging in the old brain patterns. I could feel it just like it used to be, and my attitude went right back to junk as well. A relapse to me is not necessarily doing exactly what you used to do, as the longer you've been away from it doesn't take very much to get the rush.
Stay strong brother!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey KittyHawk, i concur with imsorrynotsorry. It's an amazing achievement to stop half way so to say! That takes quite some willpower!
It must've left you craving and frustrated i imagine. What did you feel afterwards?
GOod luck man!
It must've left you craving and frustrated i imagine. What did you feel afterwards?
GOod luck man!
Andrew1973
Active Member
I have done what you did in the past KH, but although I was able to stop in the moment, I ended up 'finishing the job' so to speak, within 24 hours - my brain had just become engaged in PMO mode and the momentum was too strong for me. I have to nail my fight in the first moments of temptation to stay sober - pretty much like metal22 outlines.
As for the question of do you reset the clock or not, I have a pretty clear view so far as my own thinking is concerned (but it's just an opinion that's right for me, and we are all different)...if the behaviour is unacceptable to you going forwards, then bite the bullet and reset the clock, otherwise there's the risk that you are giving yourself a subconscious message that that behaviour is OK, and therefore more likely to go there again.
Whatever you decide, it's all experience and learning and helping propel you towards your goal.
Thanks for sharing and good luck.
As for the question of do you reset the clock or not, I have a pretty clear view so far as my own thinking is concerned (but it's just an opinion that's right for me, and we are all different)...if the behaviour is unacceptable to you going forwards, then bite the bullet and reset the clock, otherwise there's the risk that you are giving yourself a subconscious message that that behaviour is OK, and therefore more likely to go there again.
Whatever you decide, it's all experience and learning and helping propel you towards your goal.
Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Wow i'm quite impressed you managed to stop there. Usually by the time i'm doing that i'm well past the point of no return. How did you manage to stop yourself? What were you thinking/feeling at the time?
My opinion? If you were able to stop this time, forget about it, regroup and keep going. What you decide to do with your counter is up to you but try not to worry too much about streaks or days, another day without PMO is another day without PMO. Perfectionism, if overly self-critical, is only going to lead you back into those negative thought patterns.
Stay strong KittyHawk
My opinion? If you were able to stop this time, forget about it, regroup and keep going. What you decide to do with your counter is up to you but try not to worry too much about streaks or days, another day without PMO is another day without PMO. Perfectionism, if overly self-critical, is only going to lead you back into those negative thought patterns.
Stay strong KittyHawk
KittyHawk
Active Member
Day 10
Thanks for support. For everyone wondering how I was even able to stop without O or longer relapse - I think in the last couple years of trying to quit PMO for good, I developed way bigger addiction to dopamine/being aroused than endorphins from O. But you are right that every time I stop half-way, I am usually very jumpy and the chance of another relapse in the next 24h is way higher.
I am good now though. Sort of. Day numbers don't matter to me that much. I use them mostly for tracking purposes. I know I am pretty far from rewiring right now. I can tell. But lets keep getting better!
Thanks for support. For everyone wondering how I was even able to stop without O or longer relapse - I think in the last couple years of trying to quit PMO for good, I developed way bigger addiction to dopamine/being aroused than endorphins from O. But you are right that every time I stop half-way, I am usually very jumpy and the chance of another relapse in the next 24h is way higher.
I am good now though. Sort of. Day numbers don't matter to me that much. I use them mostly for tracking purposes. I know I am pretty far from rewiring right now. I can tell. But lets keep getting better!
KittyHawk
Active Member
Day 11
Nothing relevant happened today but journaling regularly helps me stay accountable.
Another month that didn't go as well as planned is nearing to its end. I can only hope to get a good start to June with several says on my counter and make June the first month with absolutely no relapses!
Nothing relevant happened today but journaling regularly helps me stay accountable.
Another month that didn't go as well as planned is nearing to its end. I can only hope to get a good start to June with several says on my counter and make June the first month with absolutely no relapses!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey KittyHawk,
Great to see that you've added yet another day to the counter, great work.
I think in life you can't really for anything as life is full of surpises.
You say you hope to a good start of June.. Might i offer another approach (one i've given Imsorrynotsorry as well)
Replace hope by trust: hope and fear are grown from the impression that you are missing something. They grow from a feeling of shortcoming. Contrary to popular belief, hope does not live but prevents living. Hoping is plunging yourself in an imaginary future and so not engaging in the only thing that really matters; the now.
Hope is build from fear, absence of hope leads to trust. I know, its a bit hard to read and it might be a slap in the face (it was for me the first time i read about this) but ultimately this concept helped me in facing my fears!
Anyway, you are already actively putting effort into not being addicted anymore, you are not hoping for it. But what i can try to convey to you is that accept that things don't always go the way you want. That way you don't have to hope for a good start of June, but you'll face it in whatever way it will come.
I am positive you will make this the first month without relapse, i am rooting for you man!
Great to see that you've added yet another day to the counter, great work.
I think in life you can't really for anything as life is full of surpises.
You say you hope to a good start of June.. Might i offer another approach (one i've given Imsorrynotsorry as well)
Replace hope by trust: hope and fear are grown from the impression that you are missing something. They grow from a feeling of shortcoming. Contrary to popular belief, hope does not live but prevents living. Hoping is plunging yourself in an imaginary future and so not engaging in the only thing that really matters; the now.
Hope is build from fear, absence of hope leads to trust. I know, its a bit hard to read and it might be a slap in the face (it was for me the first time i read about this) but ultimately this concept helped me in facing my fears!
Anyway, you are already actively putting effort into not being addicted anymore, you are not hoping for it. But what i can try to convey to you is that accept that things don't always go the way you want. That way you don't have to hope for a good start of June, but you'll face it in whatever way it will come.
I am positive you will make this the first month without relapse, i am rooting for you man!
KittyHawk
Active Member
Day 12
Thank you, ShadeTrenicin and Orbiter!
Today was a good day. I was going over photos from last couple years and came to appreciate all the things I've been through, how far I came, and how everything always solved itself somehow. Things I stressed the most, never happened. I plan on focusing on my mental well-being way more. Mind changes things. Mind is at the beginning of all things.
Thank you, ShadeTrenicin and Orbiter!
Today was a good day. I was going over photos from last couple years and came to appreciate all the things I've been through, how far I came, and how everything always solved itself somehow. Things I stressed the most, never happened. I plan on focusing on my mental well-being way more. Mind changes things. Mind is at the beginning of all things.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey KittyHawk,
I think that's a great perspective on life! Gratitude and awareness.
Keep going strong buddy! Im rooting for ya
I think that's a great perspective on life! Gratitude and awareness.
Keep going strong buddy! Im rooting for ya