Resolved to conquer this
- Thread starter Leonidas
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Leonidas
Active Member
Thank you very much for the support, guys. 
Joel, I think you're right on about the creativity part. When circumstances simplify, it enables free thinking.
The break was as necessary as it was replenishing. Strange that I never thought of pulling this off before, but yeah, who would have thought that a little break from everything can buy time for the brain for a little healing. I averaged about 2 hours of walking or more along riverside nature trails... it's not always easy finding green spots in the city but they are there if one takes the trouble to explore. But have to insist on this: there is nothing more glorious than a brisk morning walk in spaces surrounded by trees and shrubbery. There is NO ultimate goal... asides from enjoying the moment outside and taking in lung-fulls of clean air. It did help that I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of the sun throughout these days.
Now that I am tentatively working myself back into the Tech world, I wonder if there could be a way for me to extend contact with nature. I am considering a 2-hour walk in the afternoon. It's done me good so far, so why not roll with it? True, there will be rainy days... and the cool autumn is creeping in, by the by. But perhaps that should not matter much in the grand scheme of things? I welcome the opportunity of being confronted by "uncomfortable" elements... after all comfort is mostly something we inherited from 20th century advances... our ancestors were probably just bravely fighting off the cold winds with whatever woollen shawls they could procure!
Oh and it's day 7 for me. Onward.
Joel, I think you're right on about the creativity part. When circumstances simplify, it enables free thinking.The break was as necessary as it was replenishing. Strange that I never thought of pulling this off before, but yeah, who would have thought that a little break from everything can buy time for the brain for a little healing. I averaged about 2 hours of walking or more along riverside nature trails... it's not always easy finding green spots in the city but they are there if one takes the trouble to explore. But have to insist on this: there is nothing more glorious than a brisk morning walk in spaces surrounded by trees and shrubbery. There is NO ultimate goal... asides from enjoying the moment outside and taking in lung-fulls of clean air. It did help that I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of the sun throughout these days.
Now that I am tentatively working myself back into the Tech world, I wonder if there could be a way for me to extend contact with nature. I am considering a 2-hour walk in the afternoon. It's done me good so far, so why not roll with it? True, there will be rainy days... and the cool autumn is creeping in, by the by. But perhaps that should not matter much in the grand scheme of things? I welcome the opportunity of being confronted by "uncomfortable" elements... after all comfort is mostly something we inherited from 20th century advances... our ancestors were probably just bravely fighting off the cold winds with whatever woollen shawls they could procure!
Oh and it's day 7 for me. Onward.
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 9
I would have reason to feel encouraged, but I am not. Although I barely ever get an intrusive thought PMO-related, I am worried about life just about crumbling to pieces. I seem to have veered into a state of funk and anarchy. I have lost my motivation to keep up with online learning, have been absent in my efforts to look for a new job and pull off current part-time work tasks at agonizingly slow pace. Even in spare time I barely ever pick up the guitar to play a tune. Worse -- I have spoken about it before -- the gaming devil has re-spawned and gaming rituals silently swallow a whole day or two every week. I have committed to a short break away from the PC, to connect with nature, but either that was insufficient or it did not manage to replace the desire to play. Not sure what course of action to take. Feeling very despondent. And those feelings have very little to do with withdrawals from no-PMO... it's just waking up to a life that seems to be going nowhere.
At this point I am thinking in one-dimension: carry on with another stretch of days without the PC (this time do 7!) Of course, this might sound like a mouse running a little faster around the wheel... but nothing else comes to mind. I am also reading a great book by a psychologist who answers several of those worries I just mentioned. At least I can keep learning from it.
I would have reason to feel encouraged, but I am not. Although I barely ever get an intrusive thought PMO-related, I am worried about life just about crumbling to pieces. I seem to have veered into a state of funk and anarchy. I have lost my motivation to keep up with online learning, have been absent in my efforts to look for a new job and pull off current part-time work tasks at agonizingly slow pace. Even in spare time I barely ever pick up the guitar to play a tune. Worse -- I have spoken about it before -- the gaming devil has re-spawned and gaming rituals silently swallow a whole day or two every week. I have committed to a short break away from the PC, to connect with nature, but either that was insufficient or it did not manage to replace the desire to play. Not sure what course of action to take. Feeling very despondent. And those feelings have very little to do with withdrawals from no-PMO... it's just waking up to a life that seems to be going nowhere.
At this point I am thinking in one-dimension: carry on with another stretch of days without the PC (this time do 7!) Of course, this might sound like a mouse running a little faster around the wheel... but nothing else comes to mind. I am also reading a great book by a psychologist who answers several of those worries I just mentioned. At least I can keep learning from it.
Andrew1973
Active Member
Hey Leon,
I have those days too. They tend to pass for me quite quickly thankfully, but usually happen when my connectivity with others drifts. Did you reach out to those friends you spoke about? Maybe that would increase your zest for life as an alternative to the gaming? I find that without the connectivity to others life's meaning diminishes for me. I know you're not a self rules kind of guy (I have learned a lot from you in that regard), but perhaps there is an opportunity to prioritise the human connection before you let yourself have a game day? Whatever works for you, but thinking of you and wishing you well my friend.
I have those days too. They tend to pass for me quite quickly thankfully, but usually happen when my connectivity with others drifts. Did you reach out to those friends you spoke about? Maybe that would increase your zest for life as an alternative to the gaming? I find that without the connectivity to others life's meaning diminishes for me. I know you're not a self rules kind of guy (I have learned a lot from you in that regard), but perhaps there is an opportunity to prioritise the human connection before you let yourself have a game day? Whatever works for you, but thinking of you and wishing you well my friend.
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 2
A bit of a slip on Friday evening, where I unfortunately allowed myself to play out a fantasy. I was in a despondent disposition for most of the week, so the urge came as a sort of 'counter-measure'. For much that I can rationalize the behavior, still it was what it was.
But something important I realized, which may not just be useful for me but potentially many of us still struggling with the off sexual urge. We already know that the sex urge is encoded by the genes and therefore are not responsible for harboring those desires, since it was an evolutionary adaptation that promoted the survival of the species. However, we still hold onto the idea that some of us are more sexually 'deviant' than others and that this trait might come from a personality trait. From my reading of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Evolving Self, it would seem to me that personality has very little to do with sexual behavior, in that urges are just a mechanism for genes to accomplish their selfish objectives. He cites the example of a pregnant teenager: the short-term pleasure of sex outweighed the long-term pain of having to re-organize her life to attend to the baby's needs. Again, the selfish genes ruled the day... but was this to her overall benefit?
Thinking of sexual urges purely as genetic programming has a way of taking out the hot air out of a balloon. I am coming to an understanding that maybe - just maybe - those thoughts I have are not reflective of who I am personally... but rather are encouraged to 'prime' me for reproduction. So I am learning to separate those two completely diverging objectives: the will to reproduce (genetic, not me) and the desire to live meaningfully (totally me, genetics couldn't care less about). And yet it seems that the desire to have sex is a personal choice... and here I agree with Mihaly: I believe we've been duped... to think that it is an authentic choice. That may mean that we may have to be willing to let our egos take a hit and accept the fact that we do not control that part of our behavior very well. The good news is that recovery is the process by which we learn to wrest control away from blind genetic programming... and this may be a lifetime learning experience but one that will be well worth it.
UKGuy: Thanks for stepping in with the perspective. That made me feel less alone and less prone to continue feeling miserable about my prospects. After taking a few days to recover from the numbing recoil, I did call up the friend I had not spoken to in nearly 6 months. That went well, and as others had noticed, it was welcomed... almost like they're hoping to be called first, lol! Now there may be a visit planned in a week or so, but of course being as safe as possible amidst the new rules. As you pointed out, I have a way with letting connections wilt... but as I know (and always knew), that's a part of myself that I need to course-correct because left without anybody to speak to, the sharp fangs of depression will sink deep into flesh and soul.
A bit of a slip on Friday evening, where I unfortunately allowed myself to play out a fantasy. I was in a despondent disposition for most of the week, so the urge came as a sort of 'counter-measure'. For much that I can rationalize the behavior, still it was what it was.
But something important I realized, which may not just be useful for me but potentially many of us still struggling with the off sexual urge. We already know that the sex urge is encoded by the genes and therefore are not responsible for harboring those desires, since it was an evolutionary adaptation that promoted the survival of the species. However, we still hold onto the idea that some of us are more sexually 'deviant' than others and that this trait might come from a personality trait. From my reading of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Evolving Self, it would seem to me that personality has very little to do with sexual behavior, in that urges are just a mechanism for genes to accomplish their selfish objectives. He cites the example of a pregnant teenager: the short-term pleasure of sex outweighed the long-term pain of having to re-organize her life to attend to the baby's needs. Again, the selfish genes ruled the day... but was this to her overall benefit?
Thinking of sexual urges purely as genetic programming has a way of taking out the hot air out of a balloon. I am coming to an understanding that maybe - just maybe - those thoughts I have are not reflective of who I am personally... but rather are encouraged to 'prime' me for reproduction. So I am learning to separate those two completely diverging objectives: the will to reproduce (genetic, not me) and the desire to live meaningfully (totally me, genetics couldn't care less about). And yet it seems that the desire to have sex is a personal choice... and here I agree with Mihaly: I believe we've been duped... to think that it is an authentic choice. That may mean that we may have to be willing to let our egos take a hit and accept the fact that we do not control that part of our behavior very well. The good news is that recovery is the process by which we learn to wrest control away from blind genetic programming... and this may be a lifetime learning experience but one that will be well worth it.
UKGuy: Thanks for stepping in with the perspective.
That made me feel less alone and less prone to continue feeling miserable about my prospects. After taking a few days to recover from the numbing recoil, I did call up the friend I had not spoken to in nearly 6 months. That went well, and as others had noticed, it was welcomed... almost like they're hoping to be called first, lol! Now there may be a visit planned in a week or so, but of course being as safe as possible amidst the new rules. As you pointed out, I have a way with letting connections wilt... but as I know (and always knew), that's a part of myself that I need to course-correct because left without anybody to speak to, the sharp fangs of depression will sink deep into flesh and soul.
Andrew1973
Active Member
Hi Leon - I am really happy for you and your friend. Isn't that often the way that both parties are waiting for the other!? Hope you get to have your meeting safely and enjoy!Leonidas said:UKGuy: Thanks for stepping in with the perspective.
Well done for getting accountable, Leo. Yeah, this quiet existence can seem a bit grey when coming out of a porn addiction/ game-binging haze. I feel that black hole too. I've been working on gratitude - keeping a journal. And have been looking at some fun crafty hobbies on Skill Share. Have been reading some of Aristotle -Ethics, and he criticizes 'small thinking' which I kind of relate to myself when I feel down; this big world - what a miracle, with all its stories and people, and I choose to spend my short life sitting in my room and feeling sad. We need to find a way to kick ourselves up the butt and say Come On!
And I'm with you on getting outside more - and, yeah - tricky in the cold weather! I want it to be a little pleasurable!
And I'm with you on getting outside more - and, yeah - tricky in the cold weather! I want it to be a little pleasurable!
Leonidas
Active Member
Will keep it short and sweet: day 5, feeling ok. Aiming to do some meditation and a bit of writing. Overall for the month of September, no P but 6 releases to MO which is about half of the usual amount in previous months... and is well on target of the objective I had set for myself. What works for me are small and manageable objectives... otherwise I am doomed to fail. For October, I am aiming for no P and no more than 4 releases to MO.
Had known this nugget of wisdom in my teenage years, then maybe I wouldn't have been the moron I was wasting chance after chance not asking my secret crushes out on dates..! As compensation, hopefully I'll get to pass this bit of wisdom to some young gun pining for some nice gal...UKGuy said:
Gratitude helps - it's a good way to reset the perspective and sets us up for a positive outlook bias. If every day, we can be in a position to ask ourselves where we want to contribute, then we finally get those ideas rolling in. But as you said, when we hit the rut or the dumpsters, it takes a great deal of effort just to come back to the surface. I can identify with that from the recent downer spell. The challenge for me and for others in similar situations is: "how can we stay for longer stretches above the water?". Meditation and gratitude journaling might be great ideas. But also connectivity to others as UKGuy mentioned. And connection to Nature, as I can attest for my own experience of doing that. I agree, colder weather makes it tougher... but it can also be a question of readjustment. I know that in Winter time, some people go crazy for cross country skiing. Mountain hikers go out more heavily equipped in late autumn, etc..Joel said:Well done for getting accountable, Leo. Yeah, this quiet existence can seem a bit grey when coming out of a porn addiction/ game-binging haze. I feel that black hole too. I've been working on gratitude - keeping a journal. And have been looking at some fun crafty hobbies on Skill Share. Have been reading some of Aristotle -Ethics, and he criticizes 'small thinking' which I kind of relate to myself when I feel down; this big world - what a miracle, with all its stories and people, and I choose to spend my short life sitting in my room and feeling sad. We need to find a way to kick ourselves up the butt and say Come On!
And I'm with you on getting outside more - and, yeah - tricky in the cold weather! I want it to be a little pleasurable!
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Leo-Can really relate to this having just recently resurfaced from a proper dumpster dive myself. It does take effort to come back here, brush off the shame, and feign optimism until the real motivation kicks back in again. When I'm feeling really down in the dumps, I try and remind myself that many who have traveled down this same path have sprung back from a slip only to launch into a lasting, life-altering streak. It could happen to anyone I suppose, at any time. Everything else is just a practice run.
Anyway, seems like you've got a sensible plan to get yourself back on track. Congrats on Day 5!
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 5
Relapsed the day after my previous post... this time it was full-blown PMO, something I had refrained from doing for over 2 months. However: the experience did not bother me as much as I thought it would. Where I was expecting self-hate and distress, I felt none of these things, except fatigue from having slept little. That's the good news. Where others would see this as defeat, I see the silver lining. The idea that the behavior, although not one I would like to repeat, is not something that 'got to me' or hit me hard... that to me is my greatest victory over porn. Other insane rituals I used to do post PMO, such as resetting my entire PC (to lick off any potential 'unclean' trails porn sites might leave behind) did not even cross my mind this time.
From reading other posts on this forum and looking back at my experiences, I believe the best approach henceforward is to set a PC time limit, such as no PC after 10pm and no more than 6 hours on the PC on any given day. Relapses to P or to MO usually occur in the evenings for me, so I believe that the best thing to do is enact a behavior change by swapping the computer for a book before bedtime. And of course: ensuring I get the 8 hours of sleep.
LIGA and Joel: really appreciate your support, guys.
Relapsed the day after my previous post... this time it was full-blown PMO, something I had refrained from doing for over 2 months. However: the experience did not bother me as much as I thought it would. Where I was expecting self-hate and distress, I felt none of these things, except fatigue from having slept little. That's the good news. Where others would see this as defeat, I see the silver lining. The idea that the behavior, although not one I would like to repeat, is not something that 'got to me' or hit me hard... that to me is my greatest victory over porn. Other insane rituals I used to do post PMO, such as resetting my entire PC (to lick off any potential 'unclean' trails porn sites might leave behind) did not even cross my mind this time.
From reading other posts on this forum and looking back at my experiences, I believe the best approach henceforward is to set a PC time limit, such as no PC after 10pm and no more than 6 hours on the PC on any given day. Relapses to P or to MO usually occur in the evenings for me, so I believe that the best thing to do is enact a behavior change by swapping the computer for a book before bedtime. And of course: ensuring I get the 8 hours of sleep.
LIGA and Joel: really appreciate your support, guys.
Sorry to hear about the PMO but very happy to see that you're not letting it drag you down. For me the evenings and late at night alone were obvious reasons to PMO. Replacing that time with something productive like reading or getting the sleep we all desperately need that will go a long way to keeping on track.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Leo-Great job bouncing back from what otherwise could have been an emotionally troubling event and finding the silver lining. I'm also guilty of insane cleansing rituals after a slip that I believe are driven purely by a compulsive/perfectionist mindset and in hindsight may not have been very healthy. So, kudos to you on that, and on your new plan to limit your PC use in the evenings. All good things to hear!
Leonidas
Active Member
One week in, not much else to report. Short and sweet is where it's at for me today.
Hey TheNorman, no need feel sorry. I am not distressed by the behaviors, not by a long shot. What worries me most, is how I take care of what I think, how life unfolds (for the better, I would hope) and that I maintain a sense of acuity over reality, where reality is like a negative feedback loop that checks in with me to see if all is good from the inside out. I've been doing the reading at night lately, and like you say it already helps a lot with keeping the wrong kind of thoughts at bay.TheNorman said:
I knew I wasn't alone in the crazy cleansing rituals! Less PC time at night and more book reading has lately cut out my work. I feel that I don't need to 'watch myself' or re-direct thoughts... just by virtue of being engrossed with something interesting to do.LetItGoAlready said:
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 7
Failed to update my post in the past few days. Had a slip a week ago, which cost me lost hours of work, social connection and wasted sleep the following day. The problematic gaming only ever occurs on the day following relapse, which is interesting because I never otherwise feel compelled to play. It would seem that in my case, both behaviors are co-morbid. Asides the troublesome aspects of gaming, mostly by way of addiction and wasted time, it can also bring about positives: needing a challenge, desire to self-improve and evolve, etc. And surely it's after those positives that I am after when reeling from a PMO lapse.
Today I will implement a small change and one that I hope to turn into a nightly ritual: disconnecting from any source of work material by 9pm, disconnect from any PC or device, taking an hour to relax through either music playing or an interesting TV program, and book reading before bedtime. I won't try anything specific for mornings yet, but just getting started with a small evening program should help instill a structure. I am not doing this solely to prevent PMO-related thoughts... but to improve my quality-of-life during the daylight hours. As a way to set myself up for the best possible conditions, if I can help it.
Failed to update my post in the past few days. Had a slip a week ago, which cost me lost hours of work, social connection and wasted sleep the following day. The problematic gaming only ever occurs on the day following relapse, which is interesting because I never otherwise feel compelled to play. It would seem that in my case, both behaviors are co-morbid. Asides the troublesome aspects of gaming, mostly by way of addiction and wasted time, it can also bring about positives: needing a challenge, desire to self-improve and evolve, etc. And surely it's after those positives that I am after when reeling from a PMO lapse.
Today I will implement a small change and one that I hope to turn into a nightly ritual: disconnecting from any source of work material by 9pm, disconnect from any PC or device, taking an hour to relax through either music playing or an interesting TV program, and book reading before bedtime. I won't try anything specific for mornings yet, but just getting started with a small evening program should help instill a structure. I am not doing this solely to prevent PMO-related thoughts... but to improve my quality-of-life during the daylight hours. As a way to set myself up for the best possible conditions, if I can help it.
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 1
Joel: it turns out that changing the nightly ritual was not as easy as it seemed! But I will try again, it is a question of persistence.
The relapse came as a result of playing out old fantasies. When that happens, the glands get stimulated to a point where the energy gets stuck in the nether regions... the same way a yoga teacher might say that energy is blocked in the second chakra. I felt I needed to relieve the tension. I could have averted this via white-knuckling, but I don't see much point in this. Where I have to do better next time, is in snuffing out the fantasies before they grow and take up too much psychic energy.
My idea for dealing with a fantasy or urge will be to implement a IF-THEN plan:
Joel: it turns out that changing the nightly ritual was not as easy as it seemed! But I will try again, it is a question of persistence.
The relapse came as a result of playing out old fantasies. When that happens, the glands get stimulated to a point where the energy gets stuck in the nether regions... the same way a yoga teacher might say that energy is blocked in the second chakra. I felt I needed to relieve the tension. I could have averted this via white-knuckling, but I don't see much point in this. Where I have to do better next time, is in snuffing out the fantasies before they grow and take up too much psychic energy.
My idea for dealing with a fantasy or urge will be to implement a IF-THEN plan:
- When and if a fantasy starts taking hold of my mind, then I will get up and go for a 2-hour hike outdoors to reconnect with my surroundings.
- If I am caught up with something urgent, then I will make it a priority to finish it as soon as possible and THEN go on a 2-hour hike.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Leo - Well done on a formulating a new plan to deal with fantasy and implementing it with intention. Onward!
Leonidas
Active Member
Day 5
Time for an update. Well, slips are common currency in recovery so that's nothing new for me. The plans, the intentions... these will certainly help but I wasn't fooling myself by thinking this would be the recovery-amulet-of-death cure-of-all-cures.
Instead the picture tells me that recovery is a stage-wise process: there will be a period of trials and errors, then perhaps a long stretch of porn-free and M-free months... then a return to a world of feeling and with that perhaps the return of M as well (even if we're technically kinda not supposed to go there!). But crucially for me: transitioning from the world of 'headspace' to the world of interaction, human connection and active participation in the world.
Right now, I guess it's still just the early phase of trials. I know so many of us go through the ritual of going through 100 or 200 days before declaring total victory over porn... but truth be told I am not looking forward to that. What then is on the other side of those 200 days? It makes sense to go through that desert crossing if there is feeling to be found on the other side and finally the truly rewarding part: being a part of a community, meeting the special someone, being mentored by people in the know and later mentoring the younger generations.
Time for an update. Well, slips are common currency in recovery so that's nothing new for me. The plans, the intentions... these will certainly help but I wasn't fooling myself by thinking this would be the recovery-amulet-of-death cure-of-all-cures.
Instead the picture tells me that recovery is a stage-wise process: there will be a period of trials and errors, then perhaps a long stretch of porn-free and M-free months... then a return to a world of feeling and with that perhaps the return of M as well (even if we're technically kinda not supposed to go there!). But crucially for me: transitioning from the world of 'headspace' to the world of interaction, human connection and active participation in the world.
Right now, I guess it's still just the early phase of trials. I know so many of us go through the ritual of going through 100 or 200 days before declaring total victory over porn... but truth be told I am not looking forward to that. What then is on the other side of those 200 days? It makes sense to go through that desert crossing if there is feeling to be found on the other side and finally the truly rewarding part: being a part of a community, meeting the special someone, being mentored by people in the know and later mentoring the younger generations.