EarthWalker
Respected Member
Can you put a links to the 3 arrows, 6PP and Psych Ops thread?
Thank you imsory, shade, orbiter and others for your contributions.
Thank you imsory, shade, orbiter and others for your contributions.
My journal, my friend
- Thread starter imsorrynotsorry
- Start date
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello,
sure.
In this video Tara Brach explains her view on dealing with an addiction. I think it's influenced by buddhism:
Post #29 - 3 Arrows and Tara Brach Video
Out of the 'Becoming a Patreon of Gabe Deem Thread', in my humble opinion a good statement of Psyc Ops:
Psyc Ops Post on reward and general PMO
A refer to ShadeTrenicins 6 Point Plan to gain control of the immediate urge against autopilot takeover:
Shades 6 Point Plan
I can't say if anything of that will help improve your journey, but for me it was worth reading and processing it with my personal situation and my personality itself. I took out the parts that helped me, like one would repair a car with good replacement parts.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
sure.
In this video Tara Brach explains her view on dealing with an addiction. I think it's influenced by buddhism:
Post #29 - 3 Arrows and Tara Brach Video
Out of the 'Becoming a Patreon of Gabe Deem Thread', in my humble opinion a good statement of Psyc Ops:
Psyc Ops Post on reward and general PMO
A refer to ShadeTrenicins 6 Point Plan to gain control of the immediate urge against autopilot takeover:
Shades 6 Point Plan
I can't say if anything of that will help improve your journey, but for me it was worth reading and processing it with my personal situation and my personality itself. I took out the parts that helped me, like one would repair a car with good replacement parts.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Thank you for sharing. It all makes a lot of sense.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
This is form my journal Reply #23 on: May 26, 2020:
For today i had to quote myself with something i thought is irrelevant, but after i heard the podcast of Consider before Consumption - Episode 20 with Jay Stringer, which i had out of the newest Gabe Deem video, it all is connected somehow.
In this podcast Jay Stringer talks about how people get to know porn and in which period of their live that was. He identifies five key childhood drivers of unwanted sexual behaviour, which i didn't really clearly can name out.
I have no idea if that really resonates with me, but it sounds reasonable.
To sum it up a bit. My parents got divorced when i was young and they never talked to each other again. As a result i was in the middle, mostly with my mum who was angry at my dad starting a new life with a new women, for not being present. My dad never understood what responsibilty for growing a child meant (i realised that way way later in life). Ok, my mum got a new husband after a while who had the exact same fucked up divorce with not talking to his exwife either. We ended up living in a new house, which was a huge step for all of us. All the time i hadn't had the feeling that someone is talking me through this all properly. In retrospective i was just with them, trying not to cause problems (which i then did for myself). After my brother was forced out to live with my father, because he messed up with my mum and the new husband, i went into his room and for the first time got access to internet by the age 13-14.
I promised to sum it up:
- i never wanted to cause problems to my mother (after my dad treated her badly after divorce)
- maybe i felt overwhelmed by our new life and didn't quite knew my role in it
- i was left alone in my room doing what i wanted to do (playing video games, watching porn, sucking at school seriously)
The relationship to my parents today is still sensitive. When there's a birthday happening of one person of the family, i feel very unpleasent not to go. Therefore i want to go, but the GF doesn't want to and that made me angry at her. In the end i realised, that it was the child in me not wanting the parents to be angry at. This year i finally understood that and that there is so much responsability that they didn't account for all my life and i should feel bad when not coming to some kind of family festivity? I managed to turned that around and i decided for myself, that they have to deal with the problems by themselves. I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved. Sadly i must say, i don't believe my parents are able to give this to me in the way i need it. Parents don't change and so do their habits. My mother is still intrusive and my dad is still the guy who can only focus on his self. It is very difficult to seperate this out of the relationship with them.
Anyway, i turned to porn in a period when the parents weren't really available for me and found something that gave me pleasure, power over what i wanted when i wanted it and connected to the bodys i've seen.
I could now quote tons of phrases of Jay Stringer that made me thinking about me and porn, but i just let it in the podcast or the transcript. I'm not quite sure how this is all connected, but it is worth to look at the point of my life when i turned to porn and maybe what i was seeking for.
To finish this i want to answer that question of myself:
Thanks for reading.
Imsor
For today i had to quote myself with something i thought is irrelevant, but after i heard the podcast of Consider before Consumption - Episode 20 with Jay Stringer, which i had out of the newest Gabe Deem video, it all is connected somehow.
In this podcast Jay Stringer talks about how people get to know porn and in which period of their live that was. He identifies five key childhood drivers of unwanted sexual behaviour, which i didn't really clearly can name out.
I have no idea if that really resonates with me, but it sounds reasonable.
To sum it up a bit. My parents got divorced when i was young and they never talked to each other again. As a result i was in the middle, mostly with my mum who was angry at my dad starting a new life with a new women, for not being present. My dad never understood what responsibilty for growing a child meant (i realised that way way later in life). Ok, my mum got a new husband after a while who had the exact same fucked up divorce with not talking to his exwife either. We ended up living in a new house, which was a huge step for all of us. All the time i hadn't had the feeling that someone is talking me through this all properly. In retrospective i was just with them, trying not to cause problems (which i then did for myself). After my brother was forced out to live with my father, because he messed up with my mum and the new husband, i went into his room and for the first time got access to internet by the age 13-14.
I promised to sum it up:
- i never wanted to cause problems to my mother (after my dad treated her badly after divorce)
- maybe i felt overwhelmed by our new life and didn't quite knew my role in it
- i was left alone in my room doing what i wanted to do (playing video games, watching porn, sucking at school seriously)
The relationship to my parents today is still sensitive. When there's a birthday happening of one person of the family, i feel very unpleasent not to go. Therefore i want to go, but the GF doesn't want to and that made me angry at her. In the end i realised, that it was the child in me not wanting the parents to be angry at. This year i finally understood that and that there is so much responsability that they didn't account for all my life and i should feel bad when not coming to some kind of family festivity? I managed to turned that around and i decided for myself, that they have to deal with the problems by themselves. I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved. Sadly i must say, i don't believe my parents are able to give this to me in the way i need it. Parents don't change and so do their habits. My mother is still intrusive and my dad is still the guy who can only focus on his self. It is very difficult to seperate this out of the relationship with them.
Anyway, i turned to porn in a period when the parents weren't really available for me and found something that gave me pleasure, power over what i wanted when i wanted it and connected to the bodys i've seen.
I could now quote tons of phrases of Jay Stringer that made me thinking about me and porn, but i just let it in the podcast or the transcript. I'm not quite sure how this is all connected, but it is worth to look at the point of my life when i turned to porn and maybe what i was seeking for.
To finish this i want to answer that question of myself:
Most likely not, because i'm sorting out and sorted out the trash in the relationship to my parents, i have a GF that loves me, i have power over myself and my well-being.
Thanks for reading.
Imsor
EarthWalker
Respected Member
I can relate a lot. Heavy stuff. I think a lot of us have some sort of PTSD from our childhood. I think stuff like divorce, moving around, not having stability, being left alone in the room. "I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved." Hits right in the feels man. This is traumatic stuff.
I think we have no other choice but to really level up or psych game and understanding of the world to grandmaster level.
All the best
EW
I think we have no other choice but to really level up or psych game and understanding of the world to grandmaster level.
All the best
EW
I
Icandoit
Guest
EarthWalker said:
Yes, I think people with PTSD from childhood are more at risk for developing porn addiction. It's something that makes you feel good and it's easy accessible (nowadays when every kid has high speed Internet), you don't need to go buy stuff at 12 years old or whatever. But porn addiction is not exclusively limited to these people. Anybody can become addicted to porn, again because it's so easy to find and you can find all the genres and everything. I've heard in a TED talk how that year so many porn videos had been uploaded that you basically could've started watching and never watching the same video twice. It's a different type of addiction because it hits our sexuality and our brain doesn't know how to make the difference between sex and porn, especially when you are 12. It feels like some sort of "sex life", like it happens to me. It's a very tricky and difficult addiction to quit because of this. When I started my first attempt to quit porn, I thought it was going to be super easy because I was not addicted to alcohol or heroin and now I guess I would have better chances to quit those 2 than porn.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Yesterday, while looking out of the window, i thought about my emotions, parents, love and how i want to deal with it.
Like i explained earlier i don't believe that my parents can give me the love i'm seeking for right now. Maybe they never could (i get to this later). For that, i'm angry at them, because i felt left alone and in between of two adults not talking to another. My father used me my whole teen age to communicate through me to find out about my brother or my mother. My mother still has the feeling of guilt, that she ruined our family when divorcing my father (which was a good thing in the end). Now it's pretty obvious, that this isn't a healthy constellation to grow up in. For their divorce i'm not angry, but for their way to manage it i am, and the only important part of that all is, that i have the right to be angry at them. The problem is, i should have been angry at them when i was young and i wasn't. This anger now isn't really reaching the target, since we all live seperate lives in different places. That doesn't satisfy my inner child.
To find a good end with that anger i want to build up some protective wall against them and show them that i've changed, without showing that anger. With that wall of protection i'm sure the anger will dissolve when the time is right.
I don't think i'm a very specific case. We all grew up in families where not everything was perfect and this tells me, the not perfect family is more or less normal. A divorce is normal, mothers and fathers not able to deal with the emotions of their children is normal, children not feeling enough love is normal.
Now i know about my parents inability to show the love i need and to solve problems and be responsable for the emotions of the people involved. They didn't knew better. I could go on, but this isn't helping me. It's just, that back then it was their best that they've could done.
It feels good to process the underyling emotions in this period of the reboot. Right now i don't feel many psychological symptoms. If i want to live a stable and sustainable live without P, i think processing the underyling emotion is a key factor to identify moods and where they are from. And then remind myself, that i don't live that life anymore where those moods are necessary.
In general i'm stable, still lacking the morning wood.
Not sure if i had a wet dream last night.
My strict rule of not touching my man becomes a very heavy burden. I'm not even looking at him much. Hopefully that doesn't become strang in the end.
Thanks for reading all. Stay safe.
Day 103:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10
Like i explained earlier i don't believe that my parents can give me the love i'm seeking for right now. Maybe they never could (i get to this later). For that, i'm angry at them, because i felt left alone and in between of two adults not talking to another. My father used me my whole teen age to communicate through me to find out about my brother or my mother. My mother still has the feeling of guilt, that she ruined our family when divorcing my father (which was a good thing in the end). Now it's pretty obvious, that this isn't a healthy constellation to grow up in. For their divorce i'm not angry, but for their way to manage it i am, and the only important part of that all is, that i have the right to be angry at them. The problem is, i should have been angry at them when i was young and i wasn't. This anger now isn't really reaching the target, since we all live seperate lives in different places. That doesn't satisfy my inner child.
To find a good end with that anger i want to build up some protective wall against them and show them that i've changed, without showing that anger. With that wall of protection i'm sure the anger will dissolve when the time is right.
I don't think i'm a very specific case. We all grew up in families where not everything was perfect and this tells me, the not perfect family is more or less normal. A divorce is normal, mothers and fathers not able to deal with the emotions of their children is normal, children not feeling enough love is normal.
Now i know about my parents inability to show the love i need and to solve problems and be responsable for the emotions of the people involved. They didn't knew better. I could go on, but this isn't helping me. It's just, that back then it was their best that they've could done.
It feels good to process the underyling emotions in this period of the reboot. Right now i don't feel many psychological symptoms. If i want to live a stable and sustainable live without P, i think processing the underyling emotion is a key factor to identify moods and where they are from. And then remind myself, that i don't live that life anymore where those moods are necessary.
In general i'm stable, still lacking the morning wood.
Not sure if i had a wet dream last night.
My strict rule of not touching my man becomes a very heavy burden. I'm not even looking at him much. Hopefully that doesn't become strang in the end.
Thanks for reading all. Stay safe.
Day 103:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10
EarthWalker
Respected Member
I can relate a lot. Specially about the anger.
I strongly disagree with normalziing diseased behavior. Not so much about divorce as I do find it normal. But about children feeling safe and loved. This should be the norm - normal - standard. Children not feeling safe and loved with their parents is in my view abnormal. Being able to talk about emotions is normal. Parents not talking about emotions is abnormal in my view.
I am amazed we don't call disease inducing foods - disease foods - we label them unheathy. Coca Cola - unhealthy food - it is poisonus food.
I am in an unhealthy relationship with P. Doesn't have the same ring to it as: I am in diseased relationships with P. P is poision. I am poisoning myself with P.
Unhealty childhood. How about traumatic childhood? A traumatic childhood is not a normal childhood. There is nothing normal about trauma.
Let me know if I am being unhelpful. I did the Peterson's personality test. I scored very low on Politeness. I can come across as abrasive at times. I just strongly disagree with normalizing disease both on individual level and society level. I think we should redefine what normal is.
Edit:Added:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSp8IyaKCs0
Shell shocked. Emotional shocked. Sounds about right. PTSD sounds like a car accessory or a phone feature. Does your phone have PTSD no it has HSPA?
Thank you for your sharing
EW
I strongly disagree with normalziing diseased behavior. Not so much about divorce as I do find it normal. But about children feeling safe and loved. This should be the norm - normal - standard. Children not feeling safe and loved with their parents is in my view abnormal. Being able to talk about emotions is normal. Parents not talking about emotions is abnormal in my view.
I am amazed we don't call disease inducing foods - disease foods - we label them unheathy. Coca Cola - unhealthy food - it is poisonus food.
I am in an unhealthy relationship with P. Doesn't have the same ring to it as: I am in diseased relationships with P. P is poision. I am poisoning myself with P.
Unhealty childhood. How about traumatic childhood? A traumatic childhood is not a normal childhood. There is nothing normal about trauma.
Let me know if I am being unhelpful. I did the Peterson's personality test. I scored very low on Politeness. I can come across as abrasive at times. I just strongly disagree with normalizing disease both on individual level and society level. I think we should redefine what normal is.
Edit:Added:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSp8IyaKCs0
Shell shocked. Emotional shocked. Sounds about right. PTSD sounds like a car accessory or a phone feature. Does your phone have PTSD no it has HSPA?
Thank you for your sharing
EW
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey Imsorrynotsorry,
I recognize a great deal about your divorced parents. And although communication between my parents was not as bad, it resonates with me a lot.
You did say that you see that despite their shortcomings and errors, they did the best they could at that time. But you still remain mad at them.
What, would you say, will help you forgive them? Would you like to confront them, explain them stuff like that? Have you thought about this?
From my own experience I've been mad at my own father for a long time, switched with periods of trying to make good contact. But in the end i found out that the man is as emotionally challenged as a potato. If there is something, he will be there, no matter what. But not for deep bonding or stuff like that..
It drove me mad. But in the end i understood that he's not capable so i tried to forgive him (took me a while though) and tried to accept him for who he is.. In all the time that i tried to make contact with him I wanted him to be someone he could not be and with that i frustrated myself a lot..
Good luck my friend
I recognize a great deal about your divorced parents. And although communication between my parents was not as bad, it resonates with me a lot.
You did say that you see that despite their shortcomings and errors, they did the best they could at that time. But you still remain mad at them.
What, would you say, will help you forgive them? Would you like to confront them, explain them stuff like that? Have you thought about this?
From my own experience I've been mad at my own father for a long time, switched with periods of trying to make good contact. But in the end i found out that the man is as emotionally challenged as a potato. If there is something, he will be there, no matter what. But not for deep bonding or stuff like that..
It drove me mad. But in the end i understood that he's not capable so i tried to forgive him (took me a while though) and tried to accept him for who he is.. In all the time that i tried to make contact with him I wanted him to be someone he could not be and with that i frustrated myself a lot..
Good luck my friend
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey you both,
i didn't normalize diseased behaviour, but i get your point EarthWalker.
There is anger and i had no idea to deal with it the last 25 years. Now is the time to learn about it, manage it and live with it. This is the only thing relevant for me, because i can't change the past nor my parents.
Thanks Shade, again you named it quite accurately. Talking to them is over. I tried that, but the mother isn't interested in talking about errors in the past and with my dad it's almost the same with your dad. So, talking is not an option and i don't need it either. I want to look forward for my own future, because i think i know better now what my underlying needs were and that they never could be fulfilled without processing.
From my own live experience and from the experience of friends i do know now that parents can handle a divorce in million different ways. I do think now, that it wasn't the object to protect and stabilize the children when my parents got divorced. This is because of their inability to deal with it back then (which was the best they could do = not much).
I would like to know how you managed the forgiving? Like i explained, i think my only way to protect me of them is to build a wall for certain topics and situations.
Feeling urges today but crossed them away immediately. My thought of a p-free life is still strong.
Thank you both.
i didn't normalize diseased behaviour, but i get your point EarthWalker.
There is anger and i had no idea to deal with it the last 25 years. Now is the time to learn about it, manage it and live with it. This is the only thing relevant for me, because i can't change the past nor my parents.
Thanks Shade, again you named it quite accurately. Talking to them is over. I tried that, but the mother isn't interested in talking about errors in the past and with my dad it's almost the same with your dad. So, talking is not an option and i don't need it either. I want to look forward for my own future, because i think i know better now what my underlying needs were and that they never could be fulfilled without processing.
From my own live experience and from the experience of friends i do know now that parents can handle a divorce in million different ways. I do think now, that it wasn't the object to protect and stabilize the children when my parents got divorced. This is because of their inability to deal with it back then (which was the best they could do = not much).
I would like to know how you managed the forgiving? Like i explained, i think my only way to protect me of them is to build a wall for certain topics and situations.
Feeling urges today but crossed them away immediately. My thought of a p-free life is still strong.
Thank you both.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
It is a long process dealing with parents. What I am currently working on. A few of the thoughts, feel free to comment.
1) Our parents are not for "life". They are our parents until we reach adulthood. Lets arbitrarily put that number at 21. After that we are our own parents. Our inner intuition is our inner parent. While our biological parents are the external parents. They did the job as well as they did but now it is our job to be the parent of our life.
2) Obviously there is a link between our biological parents but the goal is for us to be independent, fully functioning adults, self sustained.
3) Humility is about recognising our limitations but also recognising that each human beings is equally valued to play a part in the tapestry of the human race. Better/worse external parents. All is equal and all is unique.
4) It is not your job to help your external parents. Your responsibility is to yourself.
5) The only forgiveness that matters is self-forgiveness. You don't need your mother to tell you that she is sorry.
6) There are profound higher reasons that are beyond our current understanding for being where we are in life. We must find greater acceptance for this fact.
7) Removing blame to external circumstances better aligns us to our path of evolution.
8) Living in peace with unmet needs is the real mastery of acceptance
I think until the painful memories are released then a wall is a good option. When you will process the past no matter what your mother/father does it will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside you. Theirs interpretation of events will not bother you. Like if your mother/father would be saying to her/his buddies that she/he did an excellent job as a mother/father. This will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside. This is her/his truth and their way. You have your own truth and your own way. There is no reason for conflict. The only forgiveness that matters is your self-forgiveness.
Sounds to me you already did process quite a lot of events from the past that no longer bother you and you'd like to help your parents. I think at the end of the day we can only change ourselves. You cannot help people who do not help themselves.
EW
1) Our parents are not for "life". They are our parents until we reach adulthood. Lets arbitrarily put that number at 21. After that we are our own parents. Our inner intuition is our inner parent. While our biological parents are the external parents. They did the job as well as they did but now it is our job to be the parent of our life.
2) Obviously there is a link between our biological parents but the goal is for us to be independent, fully functioning adults, self sustained.
3) Humility is about recognising our limitations but also recognising that each human beings is equally valued to play a part in the tapestry of the human race. Better/worse external parents. All is equal and all is unique.
4) It is not your job to help your external parents. Your responsibility is to yourself.
5) The only forgiveness that matters is self-forgiveness. You don't need your mother to tell you that she is sorry.
6) There are profound higher reasons that are beyond our current understanding for being where we are in life. We must find greater acceptance for this fact.
7) Removing blame to external circumstances better aligns us to our path of evolution.
8) Living in peace with unmet needs is the real mastery of acceptance
I think until the painful memories are released then a wall is a good option. When you will process the past no matter what your mother/father does it will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside you. Theirs interpretation of events will not bother you. Like if your mother/father would be saying to her/his buddies that she/he did an excellent job as a mother/father. This will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside. This is her/his truth and their way. You have your own truth and your own way. There is no reason for conflict. The only forgiveness that matters is your self-forgiveness.
Sounds to me you already did process quite a lot of events from the past that no longer bother you and you'd like to help your parents. I think at the end of the day we can only change ourselves. You cannot help people who do not help themselves.
EW
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello,
Thanks EarthWalker for that list. It's exactly what i was thinking about by putting up a wall of protection. I can't have everything, not the understanding of my parents nor the perfect insight of my unmet needs. I will focus on that wall and learn to live with it in peace. For me this means i will have a bigger distance, especially to my mother. And that fact brings me to another thing i realized this week - the fear of change.
Fear kept me away from changing. For e.g. living a different life like my parents did, or choosing a partner my parents wouldn't approve or living a live without PMO.
Especially when it comes to changing something that will take effect immediately fear tried to hold me back. I understand that is also protecting me of dumb decisions, but when addicted to P fear held me back to changing it. What comes after when one changes his habits for good?
To not make it too complicated i like the idea that i need no expectations after a change in life. I don't expect to be a way better person without P nor that my mother understands why i behave like i do. It's not my responsibility in that case to tell P hoe to live without me or my parents how to cope with less contact or distance from her child. I ask myself, why am i in this position to consciously decide something like this anyway? It went wrong years ago. For now, all i do is changing my life to be more positive and healthy, than suffering and feeling bad for things.
Beside of that i'm doing good. Urges now and then. It feels strange that i forget about what MO feels like. It's been a while now. My will to go on is strong, but i didn't feel much of coming here. I know that i still need RN and the confrontation with myself and you to really keep the change alive and make it sustainable.
In conclusion my life didn't improve like hell yet, but i'm in peace with PMO for the moment. I think i don't have to pee that often anymore and i also feel my self confidence has grown.
Day 110:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 3/10
Morning wood 3/10
Thanks EarthWalker for that list. It's exactly what i was thinking about by putting up a wall of protection. I can't have everything, not the understanding of my parents nor the perfect insight of my unmet needs. I will focus on that wall and learn to live with it in peace. For me this means i will have a bigger distance, especially to my mother. And that fact brings me to another thing i realized this week - the fear of change.
Fear kept me away from changing. For e.g. living a different life like my parents did, or choosing a partner my parents wouldn't approve or living a live without PMO.
Especially when it comes to changing something that will take effect immediately fear tried to hold me back. I understand that is also protecting me of dumb decisions, but when addicted to P fear held me back to changing it. What comes after when one changes his habits for good?
To not make it too complicated i like the idea that i need no expectations after a change in life. I don't expect to be a way better person without P nor that my mother understands why i behave like i do. It's not my responsibility in that case to tell P hoe to live without me or my parents how to cope with less contact or distance from her child. I ask myself, why am i in this position to consciously decide something like this anyway? It went wrong years ago. For now, all i do is changing my life to be more positive and healthy, than suffering and feeling bad for things.
Beside of that i'm doing good. Urges now and then. It feels strange that i forget about what MO feels like. It's been a while now. My will to go on is strong, but i didn't feel much of coming here. I know that i still need RN and the confrontation with myself and you to really keep the change alive and make it sustainable.
In conclusion my life didn't improve like hell yet, but i'm in peace with PMO for the moment. I think i don't have to pee that often anymore and i also feel my self confidence has grown.
Day 110:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 3/10
Morning wood 3/10
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello guys,
just wanted to take not that i O'd with the GF last saturday. Everything worked good. This time there wasn't really a chaser effect and what made me really happy, that i haven't thought about MO after intercourse with the GF. That's progress.
This morning i woke up realizing that i forgot to think about PMO or the addiction in general the last few days. We'll see how that turns out.
And i think my morning wood is coming back stronger than before. The last days he was up until i got in the bathroom. I know this can only be a period and vanishes again. But, for those days i was happy.
Looking forward for some holiday in the woods with the GF.
Day 115:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 2/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 4/10
just wanted to take not that i O'd with the GF last saturday. Everything worked good. This time there wasn't really a chaser effect and what made me really happy, that i haven't thought about MO after intercourse with the GF. That's progress.
This morning i woke up realizing that i forgot to think about PMO or the addiction in general the last few days. We'll see how that turns out.
And i think my morning wood is coming back stronger than before. The last days he was up until i got in the bathroom. I know this can only be a period and vanishes again. But, for those days i was happy.
Looking forward for some holiday in the woods with the GF.
Day 115:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 2/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 4/10
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey Imsorrynotsorry,
Glad to hear that you had a great time with the GF without side or after effects. In the end this is what we all stive for.
The part about not thinking about PMO and addiction for a couple of days is great news. But can it also be a small trap? Because on one hand there is the mental relief of not constantly focussing on PMO and addiction each day which is great, but on the other hand you maybe also relieving your vigilance against PMO. Although it may also not be necessary since you are already at day 115.
I hope your vacation with the gf will be great!
Good luck, stay safe
Glad to hear that you had a great time with the GF without side or after effects. In the end this is what we all stive for.
The part about not thinking about PMO and addiction for a couple of days is great news. But can it also be a small trap? Because on one hand there is the mental relief of not constantly focussing on PMO and addiction each day which is great, but on the other hand you maybe also relieving your vigilance against PMO. Although it may also not be necessary since you are already at day 115.
I hope your vacation with the gf will be great!
Good luck, stay safe
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey Shade,
that's exactly why i have to come back to RN and get input like yours, so thank you so much.
I do think that it's great news to not have PMO on the mind for some days, which i count as a natural way of being.
But, like you said, the awareness must stay alive and that's why i come back here.
Right now the PMO urges are weak and i feel solid to confront them and process them away. From time to time i feel an urge to MO and it still feels unknown to not MO for such a long time. Maybe for the future i should think about if it should be a thing i can do sometimes, but then, what for? Just to satisfy the urge? Feels a bit selfish though. Is it selfish or is my sexuality selfish? When it is only 'allowed' to O with the GF, it gives the intimacy a higher value and therefore a greater dependence. Also i believe that i'm more self confident when i'm in charge.
I'm not quite sure but i think i'm having more regularly morning wood. I have to keep track of this with a note list on my phone to track the events until the 31 of July.
that's exactly why i have to come back to RN and get input like yours, so thank you so much.
I do think that it's great news to not have PMO on the mind for some days, which i count as a natural way of being.
But, like you said, the awareness must stay alive and that's why i come back here.
Right now the PMO urges are weak and i feel solid to confront them and process them away. From time to time i feel an urge to MO and it still feels unknown to not MO for such a long time. Maybe for the future i should think about if it should be a thing i can do sometimes, but then, what for? Just to satisfy the urge? Feels a bit selfish though. Is it selfish or is my sexuality selfish? When it is only 'allowed' to O with the GF, it gives the intimacy a higher value and therefore a greater dependence. Also i believe that i'm more self confident when i'm in charge.
I'm not quite sure but i think i'm having more regularly morning wood. I have to keep track of this with a note list on my phone to track the events until the 31 of July.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey imsorry,
You make an interesting point with regard to MO. I think the act in itself is always selfish, it is afterall the act of pleasuring yourself so it's selfish in nature. That doesn't mean that it's bad. Since every single human being is proned to masturbate it must have a biological and evolutionary function.
But us porn addicts do not use that function in it's intended way. To me personally it somehow feels corrupted and tainted. This to the point that i almost feel guilty after i do it. Even if it's only MO with natural fantasy. I think the question for us to ask (and the answers are probably different for each of us) how do we fit masturbation in our life as addicst/recovering addicts? This is maybe something we could ask members that have beaten the addiction for quite a while now. But i suspect their answers will differ from eachother as well.
You make an interesting point with regard to MO. I think the act in itself is always selfish, it is afterall the act of pleasuring yourself so it's selfish in nature. That doesn't mean that it's bad. Since every single human being is proned to masturbate it must have a biological and evolutionary function.
But us porn addicts do not use that function in it's intended way. To me personally it somehow feels corrupted and tainted. This to the point that i almost feel guilty after i do it. Even if it's only MO with natural fantasy. I think the question for us to ask (and the answers are probably different for each of us) how do we fit masturbation in our life as addicst/recovering addicts? This is maybe something we could ask members that have beaten the addiction for quite a while now. But i suspect their answers will differ from eachother as well.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
For me personally i think MO is too similar to PMO in terms of what is happening in my brain. After MO i have a chaser effect. In the past i MO'd and did it the next 2 days again.
It's like you described it, maybe it's too corrupted and tainted and we have to stay away from it for a loooong time and find a completely new approach to it. For me, i would like to not MO for years, but i don't think that's going to work. We'll see and thanks for your valueable comment.
It's like you described it, maybe it's too corrupted and tainted and we have to stay away from it for a loooong time and find a completely new approach to it. For me, i would like to not MO for years, but i don't think that's going to work. We'll see and thanks for your valueable comment.
I
Icandoit
Guest
imsorrynotsorry said:
Yes, definitely. The same happens to me too. The annoying chaser effect is definitely not worth the struggle all day long to stay away from "another one". I mean, masturbation maybe it's healthy but binging it is not. Until things settle, I think I'm better without it.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
This night i had my first wet dream since i've stopped. I wasn't sure if i was dreaming or not and had a very strong feeling i relapsed with P and wanted to admit it in here, but then woke up finding out it was all a dream and had wet underwear. I think in my dream i watched P and MO.
I have no idea what that meant. Maybe it was a reminder that the P thoughts are there and i have to be aware. Anyway, hopefully there is no chaser or anything at all.
I started the day with a good feeling and like to have a smile on my face.
I have no idea what that meant. Maybe it was a reminder that the P thoughts are there and i have to be aware. Anyway, hopefully there is no chaser or anything at all.
I started the day with a good feeling and like to have a smile on my face.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
4 days later the wet dream meant nothing at all, just that the last O with the GF is some days ago.
Other than that i'm fine, kept track of my morning wood.
In one week i had everything, from 0/10 when i was waking up really early, like 5 am and 9/10 when he was still hard in the bathroom. Progress is slowely but constant - good, reboot good.
Day 124:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 1/10
Morning wood 5/10 in the middle to be fair
Other than that i'm fine, kept track of my morning wood.
In one week i had everything, from 0/10 when i was waking up really early, like 5 am and 9/10 when he was still hard in the bathroom. Progress is slowely but constant - good, reboot good.
Day 124:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 1/10
Morning wood 5/10 in the middle to be fair