My journal, my friend

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorrynotsorry

First of all congratulations on the 150 days. It is an amazing accomplishment! Well done

Beside that, i O'd with the GF on sunday and tuesday. I feel i'm able now to really connect and feel something real, like a real connection. It sounds a bit cheesy, i know

I don't think it sounds cheesy, I think you've said it beautifully. What you've described it what we addicts all long for so I'm happy that you've experienced this, also for your gf. I hope that you two can now built toward a very close, intimate relationship that will both bring you what you desire!

also, I understand the need to distance yourself from RN after a certain amount of time. While the 180 days seems arbitrary, somehow the number is also needed to create a milestone. I'm very curious how you will experience the distance from RN.


Stay safe!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey,

This is really what i wanted to experience long time ago. This real connection and the recognizing of the other person next to me. I like it, really, but unfortunately there is something that doesn't let me fully enjoy it. The whole PMO thing made it very hard for me if intimacy with the GF is 'enough' for me. All the overdoses of P made me think that intimacy has to be something super exciting. I enjoy everything with the GF right now, but in long term, will it be enough forever? This truth is one big goal i want to unfold one day.
For now i know that the addiction and the use of PMO for years took this away from me and i'm not sure if this ever is going to be normal again. Maybe one of you is experiencing the same? It's just a thought for me right now and i want to reveal the truth behind it.

Beside that i'm experiencing normal behavior. I spontaniously get erections, even when i'm sitting down in a cafe. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening. All i know is that i'm experiencing this since my teenage years. It gotten more since i started my reboot.

I seriously will cut beer and chocolade down after the 7. of Septembre.

Day 154:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 6/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 2/10

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey you'resorrynotsorry

Isn't what you think you are going to "miss" with your gf a misconception that has been embedded in your mind by porn and popular media?
What makes you think it will not be enough? Is there an expectancy that it alwasy has to be an upward moving spiral? Sometimes things can be good just the way they are.


Good luck my friend

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hi,

I have no idea, tbh. It could be and it wrecks me that before i really discovered real intimacy with women i discovered PMO. This self conditioning to normal again will maybe never feel 'right' in the way the first discovery felt. But, from sports i know, you can change your technique for the better. I will give myself time on this.

Anyway, O'd with the GF yesterday. Nothing spectacular, we had fun and we tried to go real slow and more mindful on it. I have to admit, it felt more realisitic than any clip could give me (this makes me laugh somehow).
A very good thing i want to mention is, that i don't feel any chaser effect anymore. I realised it some weeks ago and now realised that it's gone. Perfect.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I'm asking myself today if looking at other women is ok or not in my reboot? I find myself really looking at other women sometimes, like staring, without them knowing. It's not only about the body, it's really looking with open eyes catching details.
I point that out because it feels like it increased over the last weeks and i'm not sure if that is maybe some symptom/craving stuff. If anyone has an idea or is experiencing similar feel free to share.

Besides that, all in order. I manage to let days pass without thinking of PMO or anything like it. Morning wood was stronger the last days.

Day 158:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 6/10
Beer consumption 6/10
Chocolade 8/10
Morning wood 4/10

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, Imsor.

Only the attractive ones? I think this is normal. Just don't over do it.

Like you see a Ferrari on the street or whatever. You gonna stare. I think the problem is only if you cannot let it go. If it lingers in your mind.

I remember one post I think it was here on the forums, sorry to have forgot the name of the poster it was a while back. He said that he and his GF and her brother and spouse were walking down the street. An attractive girl passed them and his GF commented. Wow she is very attractive. Then her brother said Yes she is. Then the brothers spouse said something like Does that mean I am ugly or something along that lines. Anyway.

I think women notice other women too? I think it might be an interesting conversation with a girl about this.

Maybe makes sense also to look into the source. Is this coming from the carnal sense of lust or just some general curiosity or appreciation for beauty in all forms, something else?

EW

 

[recovery000]

Imsor,
In my perspective, looking at other women while rebooting is not ideal. It has been my case that relapses build up from these smaller acts. These can be in the street, tv, internet, etc. These small things have the potential to drag you closer and closer to a relapse. It is not trivial to notice that, since they are tiny and apparently harmless actions. During my process, I'm aware of this risk factor and am working on improving it. After looking at good looking women, they stay in my head for a while and it often pressures me to look for more.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey guys,

Thank you for stepping by and leaving me something to process.

First of all, i really liked your word about women checking each other EarthWalker:

I think women notice other women too? I think it might be an interesting conversation with a girl about this.

When the GF and i pass a couple in the streets then i tell you what happens. I look at the couple while they both are checking up my GF leaving me unnoticed. This is stereotypical talking, but there's are truth to it. So yes, they notice other women way more than they notice other men, that's my opinion.

Back to topic: i can willingly not look at women and have no problems with it. E.g. when it would be way too obvious that i 'stare', then i just skip that one, so i have manners left. In other situations i look a bit too much, since i opened that up to you all. I see there some voyeuristic tendency. For that i will try to reduce the staring.

Today is 160 and i'm closing in on the 180 goal. After that one i'm trying to spend less time on RN. I feel that the counter is still an important thing for me. Even though 160 sounds like a large number, it's nothing to all the sessions i had with PMO. I'm still at the beginning and it needs a lot of cycles, years, to find the balance in life which i need to not fall back.

I'm thinking about opening up more to the GF about certain aspects of the addiction, because i feel long term i need her better understanding what drive lies below. With that i mean for example triggers, like being alone and feeling overly happy with myself or the impulses that can come up and the autopilot that can take over. How i manage them and show her that i'm doing good most of the times and maybe i can get some appreciation from her for that.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you for sharing. I am going to miss seeing you around. But you are right to close a chapter and open a new one. The only way is forward.

EW

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorry,

You've come a long way and your nearing the 180 days is a great milestone. Although it saddens me a little that you will be spending less time on here it also fills me with joy because it means you are doing really well.

What you said about opening up towards your gf is something I really encourage. Personally i've felt this as a great comfort and support because I could share the greatest struggle of my life with the person I love most dearly. Including your gf in this process on that level shows a new level of commitment and willingness to open up to her. I think she will really appreciate this and also let her help you in her way.


Good luck my friend

 

[recovery000]

160 days is great work, which also give everyone here a bust of confidence into the reality of recovering. Surely many of us have thought that this vice will be with us in the long run, or have felt so cornered that a way out is almost impossible to visualize. This has been my case in the past. Accomplishments like yours shows us otherwise.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey,

Yes, there are hundreds of ways out - this is good and also bad, because every one of us has to find his own way out.

I've found a way out for over a year when i was 25, to fall back with 27-28. I then kept PMO with me in my relationship for the place where it is only me in perfect control (pants at the ancles, window shutters down, staring at a screen one-handed). I thought this is it, this is my life. A nice GF, not perfect but nice, and i thought PMO is giving something i need nothing else can. I knew that it was bad and changing my brain, therefore i only watched 1-3 clips and finished quickly, because i thought this would not hurt much, but it did. I had PIED on/off with pathetic excuses. I did that for years, at least 6. Then, last autumn i started to set timers again for streaking 90 days with 1-2 wildcards. I did 90 days with like 10-15 wildcards and as a result i was again where i started. You see, at least it lost a bit of importance to me after my first reboot, from daily basis to weekly or so. I've come a long way and something gree inside of me to finally, when i was about to do it again, i just didn't type the url of my favorite site in and looked up RN again. I registered and come across that William post, which resonates with me a lot. It's in or out, nothing in between. I think that deep understanding of quitting of 100% was the impulse for me to start over for all time. Everything later, the self processing, new acknowledgement, the upsides of rewiring, became slowly parts of me, on the basis of that 100% abstinence.

Day 163:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 7/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 7/10
Morning wood 5/10

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Wanted to note that i'm really ok right now. The relationship is a joyful place since some weeks right now, mostly because my GF is enjoying her/our life right now and i benefit a lot from that. We just do usual things, but what else do i want, i'm happy.

The last days i managed to not stare or glance at any bodyparts and everytime i saw a woman i asked myself. Is she beautiful or hot? Then i realised that i sometimes can't tell the difference. It's better not to look if there is no reason.

Today i also realised that old fetishes doesn't trigger me that much anymore. I saw some images in TV but i think i'm good. We'll see.

Normally, when i'm happy and everything is in order, i would find just find the perfect excuse to PMO, but not this time nor any other time again!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

From 'everything is fine' i got the direct opposite today.
I have no idea, but this day started flawed already and it continued throughout the day with bad messages and some dump situations that angered me. A relevant one was with my GF. We had sex and i wasn't completely there with my mind. I was everywhere, but not really focusing on the nice thing. As a result i couldn't manage to O in the end.
We talked about it and what it maybe was and yes, we found a situation earlier in the day where i felt like a dump child again. This was the event that caused a mood i couldn't get rid of throughout the day. I really don't like this. The talking with the GF about it and all helped me to manage my stuff the rest of the day. That was then okay and i'm really happy to go to bed soon.

Anyway, not Oing with the GF is not a nice thing and it happend 167 days since i started my reboot. Most of the time i have to manage myself not to O too early, this would be normal. But when i feel there is something corrupting my mind, then i can tell it's not going to work. I believe it's not really a PMO problem. Any other ideas on that? I mean, i was hard, although i was afraid i wasn't. And i have to mention that i was thinking of MO to end what started, but then let the impulse fade.
Hopefully next time i'm more ready for this.

My idea of drinking less beer isn't working very good. At least i could cut chocolate down a bit, but drank two beer today. I don't know why to be honest. One was while i was waiting for pizza and the other one in a bar where i met friends, only for 2h. I'm trying not to drink until friday.

Day 167:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 5/10
Beer consumption 6/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 5/10

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorr,

Sometimes days like this just happen somehow. But, were you conscious of your mood before engaging in sex with the gf? Or to put it differently if you look back at the situation in hindsight; if you would have fully recognized the mood you were in, would you still have thought it the best idea to have sex before speaking about your mood? Would the sex have been differently if you were to have addressed the bad mood before it? I do ask this because i recognize the situation. Something's bugging me all day, i don't address it and if i were to have sex then it would result in me not being present with 100% guarantee.

I don't think it's fully related to your addiction but rather a combination of your mind being pre-occupied and then after it didnt work your mind looking for the thing that has been the usual fix; MO.


Good luck Imsorr

 

[EarthWalker]

+1 to what Shade is saying. Sounds like you just had a bad day. This is normal.

Is this in principle about control? You wanting to control the outcome? It can become quite exhausting.

Maybe it is just the bad day writing but to me you sound a bit too harsh with yourself (overly critical). Maybe let go a little bit?

Chocolate and beer are dopamine boosters. I'd tackle 1 life changing change at the time. Beer isn't such a harmless thing. It is also very hard to quit. So not a big deal if you are having hard time staying away from beer. Don't overload yourself with changing habits that are with you for decades.

Take it one day at a time. Wish you all the best.

EW

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Thanks you both.

If i would've been completely honest with myself, i would have prefered not having sex, i guess. I wasn't really there in the first place. This i know for sure now.
I think of it as a bad day now, but i'm also a bit insecure about the next occasion with the GF.

Have to cut my plan with beer. I'm having a friend around soon and this weekend i'm leaving town for meeting friends. Impossible to refuse beer. It's ok for me, will follow this later this year, when there is more time to engage more in sports again.

Beside that all is normal, i'm happy with small things.

 

[Gigili]

Hi imsorrynotsorry,

I read all pages of your journal in the past couple of weeks and it was very inspiring to me. This is probably because I feel that  my porn viewing habits and my situation was almost the same as yours (except for the chocolate part, I don't like chocolate much  ;D ). I am on day 40; seeing your success was really encouraging for me. I also found the link to some useful materials in your journal. I wish you further success in your journey.

By the way, did you manage to tell your GF about the issue finally?

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello Gigili,

that's nice to hear and i'm happy to contribute to your journey.

The GF knows about the issue. It's just that i never went more into details. I told her from time to time parts of the addiction and what it made with me. In our everyday life it's not a topic we discuss on the sofa. I would like to tell her more about what i have to do to prevent a relapse and that she understands that it's not an easy peasy thing one let's go without suffering. Long term i think this is helpful to make your partner also a person who understands your problem. Are you in a situation like this? If yes, feel free to share your experience.

The not staring at women is really hard for me. It's like me walking the streets, and i live in a bigger city, and at least i have to check how she's looking. I feel powerless and it sounds ridiculous but it's a fear of missing an opportunity, what makes absolutely no sense. This root is going deep, because i remember my father doing the exact same thing. Will try to learn not to stare.

Some days ago, when some little brain fog was there, i did again Wim Hof Breathing and it helped me instantly. I went out running and felt wonderful afterwards.

 

[Gigili]

Hi imsorrynotsorry,

Thanks for your informative response. I would rather not to hijack your journal with my experience but in a nutshell, yes I am in the exact same situation. I don't know how to open up the issue with her and what her reaction is going to be. How did you do that? And what exactly did you say to her when you say you didn't go into the details?

It is hard for me not to look at hot girls as well. I go to gym every morning and there are plenty of them there  :'( It is hard not too look at them. So I usually just look at the floor tiles and not look up! If you found a solution for this problem share it with us!