This morning i woke up with urge. I was thinking about me alone in the flat and how nice it'll be to only MO. I know it'll be very very nice, but it's not what i want. All my life i was like MO is something completely usual. And, yes, maybe it is, but for me not anymore. I want to live by the rule that i don't touch my man without reason.
After breakfast i went back to bed and watched that Tara Brach video ShadeTrenicin gave me the link somewhere. The ideas Tara shared with the Realm Of The Hungry Ghost(s) were very helpful for my understanding of my addiction and addiction in general. What i like to share with you guys are for example the three arrows (
https://youtu.be/eKn4IGY8OH8?t=1283).
- Arrow One: The desire to happiness or in other words, the feeling that there is always something missing. It leads, when flawed, to addiction
- Arrow Two: Self aversion. After e.g. PMO you are not feeling good about yourself, maybe leads to anger (Most dangerous arrow, hit's hardest)
- Arrow Three: Suffering, being not present
To be specific. Feeling bad, lazy, fogged, somethings missing leads me to PMO. After i PMO i'm not only facing the same feeling as before, it's even worse because i still can't handle the state of feeling. This multiplies Arrow 1 and so on, because after PMO i fall back to where Arrow 1 begins. The not being present with the self and others is also not helping to get out of that state of feeling.
So, i advice myself and i advice all of you readers to break the circle. I'll avoid giving into bad emotions because they multiply. I want to face my emotions, halt there and find a way with mindfulness out of there.
Also, in one of Tara's vids she's talking about the sustainability of an addicition-free life. She recommends being with people that understand the situation as it is and are helpful and nice. This would be RN for me right now. Even though i'm targeting a life where i'm more independant from my journal here. I do now understand, that i also need you as a peer group and you need me. This means, reading and passing by is just enough for me. Knowing people 'listen' to me who know the exact feeling.
It's also you who give me the belief that i can change my bad habit. I can replace it with other rewards, yes, but to really change the circle i need belief (according to Tara). (
https://youtu.be/eKn4IGY8OH8?t=2655)
That i changed my bad habits 7 years ago from daily routine PMO to once a week or twice a month is helping me a lot right now. Still, face it: Since 7 years i'm keeping it like a pet with less food. I always made sure that it doesn't die.
Day 63 and i'm expecting hard days ahead. Also confidence than can lead to MO or the feeling about the sense of all that.
1/10 libido right now, GF is not around
7/10 beer consumption. I never was hard with myself on that and i wont be it this time, but, i'll make sure that it doesn't escalate any further than maybe once a week.
2/10 chocolade, some urge, but not much.
2/10 morning wood. Been a bit sad about this as i enjoy having a real morning wood as a sign of progress. BUT, no hesitation on this.
5/10 something is missing feeling