nofap journal

[LetItGoAlready]

Joel - Glad to hear all's well with the latest reboot. I too fear that I might fall out of the habit if I don't check in at least every few days. In your case, it sounds like you've been filling the in-between days with other healthy pursuits, which is exactly what you should be doing, so props to you on that.

Those early PFR podcasts are so incredibly valuable for people who are struggling to put together a proper plan. I learned so much from them, and I agree, they're great for people who are just starting their journeys. Wishing you continued success on yours!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi all. Thought I'd check in. Still clean and not much to say. Feel if I don't check in for a while I might fall out of the habit.

Enjoying and focused on other things like writing which is great. Still listening to porn free radio podcast - less intensely than I was 5 or 6 months ago, but its good to fill my head with this important info consistently. Listening to episode 57 and I'd recommending it to anyone starting out on this journey or anyone who wants to get a plan together to beat this. Have a great start to the week, all!

Cheers Joel. I could do with a bit of inspiration, so I'll give 57 a listen later today. Glad you're doing well. UKG

 

[Joel]

Thanks, guys. Yes so grateful for that resource!

Just left myself a couple of minutes to write this post before bed so it won't be as in depth as it should be. I had a slip/ relapse today - wasn't a binge, and not to particularly hardcore porn. Don't mean to sound like I'm playing it down, just that I don't think I've beat myself down to a 0 and I'm feeling OK. Today was Wednesday and I was going to celebrate a 3 week milestone, and make a post here on the forum; so that was strange timing.

Kind of came out of the blue. As I said on my last post, things are going well for me. I'm able to think about nofap less these days, which has freed up so much time. I'm doing my work and that feels good, and things are going well with the wife. Lockdown is lockdown, but I'm making the most of it, doing loads of work on my passion projects. My weekly nofap plan is working well (though, perhaps after some time, rereading the same things, they just become words), and my paragraph about my core issues and relationship to porn really make me see things for what they were when I was triggered.

What happened? End of a work session. I wanted to 'skirt', saw exactly what I wanted to see, then felt the urge to go and relieve myself, and my intellect wasn't in control anymore at that point. It all happened so quickly.

if I let this happen again, I'll be in the cycle, and if I let this happen in another 3 weeks, I'll be a guy who relapses every 3 weeks. It would be dumb to mark this down as a fluke slip and to just look forward.

Off to bed now. Will be here to tomorrow to check in and to think over the slip and use it to fail forward.

 

[Andrew1973]

Hey Joel,
I think your response to the slip is spot on and hope the day has gone well for you.
Take care

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Joel -  Well done on analyzing the slip and committing to failing forward. Sometimes we get broadsided by an urge because we find ourselves in a familiar situation with a familiar script that ends with acting out. The end of a work day or work week has always been one of those situations for me, and I'm sure that's a pretty common pattern of behavior for most guys here. There's a natural desire for release at the end of a work day/week, and the longer the day or week, the greater the need for release. So, it makes sense why it's such a potent trigger.

What I appreciate about your response to this latest slip is that you recognize how it happened, are choosing not to dwell on it, and have issued a challenge to yourself not to become "the guy who relapses every 3 weeks." You're always good at calling out patterns of behavior and setting goals to overcome them, so I'm confident you'll tackle this 3-week curse handily if you put your mind to it - and you will. Onward, friend.

 

[Joel]

Thanks, guys. Really appreciate the ongoing support.

Today was a proper hardcore PMO relapse unfortunately. Still, not a binge.

Yes, Liga, it took me a while to understand something so obvious - end of a workday! ...tired and in want of a reward. It was confusing as the work was rewarding, but still, an all too common pattern. After only 3weeks since the last relapse, I didn't take that convincing little voice to have a 'little' taste of something prohibited seriously; of course I was vulnerable - should have taken it seriously and processed it or ran a mile.

Feeling positive though, got a lot of healing behind me, but this is a state of emergency, nofap is the priority! Written up a fresh week-plan. Goal - clean from now for 24h and a check in tomorrow. Then a week clean, then I'll start planning for how not to slip up in the longer term.

The core of my PA is in my key paragraph I posted a few posts ago - my attitudes about sex and porn are twisted, and how high they make me feel aren't the answer.

Recent relapse was down to a semi-depression that we (people with comfortable lives) get. I've been reading a lot of Mark Manson recently - makes a lot of sense. It's in our nature to be dissatisfied. I mean, if our ancestors could see us - food, shelter, not thinking only of survival each day - it would seem like a dream world. But we have what we have, and we become dissatisfied. So though I will accept low moods with a Zen attitude when they come, I'm going to deal with any dissatisfaction with life with an intense gratitude practice.

I?ll be here daily to say what I am doing, rather than just what I?ve avoided doing, or what I?ve done wrong.

 

[Leonidas]

I love everything about this last post and learned a lot from it.  Especially the perspective of our ancestors versus our tendency to easily become dissatisfied.  Btw the nature of dissatisfaction is a Buddhist concept... so Mr. Manson has been borrowing heavily from ancient doctrine.

 

[Joel]

Thanks a lot, Leo! Yep, you nailed it. Manson's heavily influenced by Zen Buddhism - probably a reason I like his work so much.

Day 1 going well. Wife went out and I immediately put a web block on my phone to be safe. I also blocked a movie website that has caused all my recent skirting... that led to worse things. Seems like a small tweak, but it got me through day 1, and should see me through the short term recovery of getting back on track. Happy to be checking in here. Wife will return soon, then it will be solid family time for the next 24h, so I'll probably need some good wind down time on Saturday evening, without reaching for anything stupid.

it's funny, I feel aligned and on track, how did that crazy recent slip happen?? I guess the Dobber would say, this is a weakness, and we can't ever leave ourselves vulnerable (eg working alone on a laptop where we can bring up a website to see some exciting material that will 'pep' us up a little, whether we're 3weeks, 3 months or even (he would say) 3 years clean. He has a zero tolerance policy.

 

[Joel]

Day 2 going well. Like yesterday, I feel aligned and on track. I guess my slip didn't throw me into the throws of the addiction cycle and my brain has done a lot of rebooting. I actually spent nearly the whole day alone as my plans changed. The thought did cross my mind of me in bed with a phone (good grief - what a phrase!) on a pleasure high all day on this cold rainy day; after all, I don't have a streak - but past experience has shown me the faultiness of that - you can make excuses to go back to old ways, or forge ahead and not repeat past mistakes.  I was scared of being 'taken over' by the urge and I put a web block on my phone. I got on with productive things and feel good.

 

[Joel]

Day 3 going well concerning nofap. Been looking into improving my gratitude and journaling practice to be more mindful and worked hard on coming up with some positive tweaks. Had a good and blessed day, then got in an argument with the wife, which happens rarely, so it's thrown me a bit. It's like, we share everything, my triumphs are her triumphs and and vice versa, so when there's an incident that makes me feel like, I really don't like you, it just makes me numb and a bit depressed. We've apologized and mean well toward each other, but can't help the simmering. I gave up on the healthy habits I had lined up today, but hope the bad vibe can fade off after a night's sleep. Want to get back to winning ways tomorrow.

 

[Andrew1973]

My wife going out and leaving me to my own devices, and also conflict with my wife can both be massive triggers, so well done successfully navigating both over the past couple of days Joel.
Leon said something really encouraging to me last week about non linear recovery, and I sense that is exactly where you've been - 1 step backward, but bookended by many steps forward.
Here's to a good week for you.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Joel - Sometimes we need to take a day off (or two) from actively recovering to deal with other things. That's life.  Don't let it throw your momentum, friend. You've got some good solid days behind you now. Keep going!

 

[Joel]

thanks a lot, Liga and Guy. I was actually triggered later when she left the house for an hour and I still had those feelings. But the thought of relapsing a couple of days after the last relapse... it?s too scary, the beast would really have a hold on me. it was a healthy fear and I activated an internet block.

We've patched things up now. With the anger gone, I can see the level of my own immaturity. I heard some Mark Manson audio yesterday: emotional maturity is seeing a big emotion, like anger, and instead of being swept up by it, being able to ask, is this worth it?

After the argument, I was reading a book on zen, and the author suggested an experiment. He said, to help me deal with anger, and not be a slave to it, each week I practice a day of non-anger ? no negative thoughts (I do my best not to indulge them anyway ? I?m not always successful). It was a great day ? I realised all my negative thoughts were dumb ? eg old memories, an actor in a film didn't like... all of it was pointless energy. So I want to do the same again today ? maybe every day. So far today... feels pretty good! I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a hippy who only wants good vibes, but the exercise helped my stop and ask - what am I doing? is this worth it?

day 5 going well. Keeping up good habits and I'm on top of things. Take care out there.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

After the argument, I was reading a book on zen, and the author suggested an experiment. He said, to help me deal with anger, and not be a slave to it, each week I practice a day of non-anger ? no negative thoughts (I do my best not to indulge them anyway ? I?m not always successful). It was a great day ? I realised all my negative thoughts were dumb ? eg old memories, an actor in a film didn't like... all of it was pointless energy. So I want to do the same again today ? maybe every day. So far today... feels pretty good! I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a hippy who only wants good vibes, but the exercise helped my stop and ask - what am I doing? is this worth it?

day 5 going well. Keeping up good habits and I'm on top of things. Take care out there.

Hey Joel,

Zen practice is indeed great for dealing with negative feelings. And you don't need to be a hippy to do so . While I might be a bit biased and a bit hippy-like, I do think that if everyone on earth would learn this simple practice, the world would be a better place. (Yes, that sounds really hippy I know). However, the power for me in this is that it let's you consciously observe your own thoughts and review them. Although it takes practice it's a great skill to acquire.

Stay strong Joel and keep it up

 

[Joel]

Hi all,
Just a super quick accountability check in. Did some stupid R rated movie surfing yesterday, totally triggered today. Going off line for most of the day to do a load of non-screen things. Will be back later to check in, clean!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Just a super quick accountability check in. Did some stupid R rated movie surfing yesterday, totally triggered today. Going off line for most of the day to do a load of non-screen things. Will be back later to check in, clean!

Great job, Joel, on seeking accountability and taking action to avoid triggering yourself further. I commend you on shifting your focus to non-screen things. Sounds like a sensible plan. Take care.

 

[Joel]

Thanks, Shade. Good to hear from you! Hope all's well. I don't mind being a hippy actually, that was just self-conscious talk for any anti-hippies out there. Yeh, the Zen stuff seems to be a really good antidote for porn - sitting with ourselves, not chasing pleasure but seeking equanimity, etc. And like you say, takes a lot of reading and practice!

And thanks, Liga. Didn't quite work. I fell into the same trap I read about on the forum nearly every day. I was doing okay, but I wanted a little pick me up and skirted around a few things. Eventually - today - I didn't feel in control of myself and I PMO'd, and I feel terrible ,but I want more anyway; really dropped myself into the thick of the cycle. I tried internet blocks and staying away from screens, but when I had that space, I didn't do anything meaningful enough to become self aware, and I eventually returned to the indulgent behaviour.

Day 0 - and so it begins

Felt pretty helpless earlier, but writing this, I'm beginning to feel better. Some Dobber advice comes to mind: after a long streak and a relapse, you've created a plan that works. It's just a case of tweaking it so you don't make the same mistake next time.

So, one challenge is getting out of the hole I've just dug for myself, another challenge is succeeding where I failed at the different forks yesterday (gateway pleasures) and today (continuing to indulge and going all the way, ...and not stopping).

So, going back to basics, pasting below my foundational plan from my very first post here:

Wanted to start a journal and this is Day 1. Just listened to a nofap audio that inspired me to affirm my nofap ?system?

A morning routine, preferably without use of a computer; as morning was my main relapse time.

Some blockers ? Google is blocked on my computer before midday. I currently have the web blocked on my phone until 7pm during this tense time of lockdown.

A grid of healthy habits including meditation, exercise

A method for urges I learned from Universal Man on YT - Calm myself (mini meditation), then rationally talk to the urge/ shine truth on the lies, then do something else - preferably physical. Practice!

Journal about issues and emotions that arise, and make a daily day plan

Analyze my relapses so I improve.

And revising my Buy in reasons:

alignments below ? they cover what?s important/ positives of being a no fapper/ negatives of P

Values

Love ? family, friends, myself, and the people around me (as best I can). Everything in life feels crap without love. Work on connecting to people (don't take them for granted, half-ignoring them)

Gratitude

Awareness/ mindfulness ? don?t live life on automatic, angry about being stuck in traffic, pissed because your team lost last night, mulling over an argument you had a year ago. You?re here

Humour/ joy/ fun/ friends

Art, music, creating, passion

NO PORN

ME REASONS

It damages the brain, reducing grey matter, creating addictive pathways, damaging reward receptors, motivation and empathy

the brain fog/ headache, numb, drained, energy-less, empty, where-did-the-day-go-? feeling

No reward receptors - no joy ?in things that make being alive amazing.

No motivation - Life was so stagnant

Directly causes depression

Kills love and ability to live - I don?t give a crap about anything or anyone

BE A BETTER PERSON REASONS

It?s wrong ? sex trafficking/ violence on women/trauma they suffer, kids getting exposed to this?

It cultivates hate, inspiring everyone to treat each other like crap

Makes me a creep

MY CAREER REASONS

I have nothing to show for years, and my craft hasn?t improved/ my work muscle hasn?t grown

Time wasted - days every week for so many years

Motivation ?is non-existent for the time I?m not PMO ing, as I'm depleted, or having to focus solely on trying not to PMO

Emulate the people who inspire me.

THE LIE OF PORN REASONS

It?s wrong (see above), but I?m filled with dopamine and I?m caught up in it, so it somehow seems okay/ normal

The compulsion ? if I did it only when I wanted to, that would be something. But that I do it against my own will. this thing controls me. I?m trapped.

The weird brain trick - ?forget the streak quickly and dip in for 30 minutes.? Shit. another 5 yrs of my life just whizzed by.

Scratch this itch and get a shot of pleasure. Now I?m back in a cycle

I want to watch something in particular - I never watch it. It?s 10 tabs open and chasing a dragon

That relapse during a good streak can set me back a year/ indefinitely

Other things

Take it easy on yourself for 90 days. Nofap is your priority, not work, not being productive - read fun books, take baths, do a passion project or something.

As for not making those recent mistakes again, once i'm a few days clean, I need to start building up resilience and discipline (ideas from my Zen reading). I indulged because I was cold and tired, and didn't feel very well. Next time, I need to sit with it, and say, 'no, I don't deserve a reward just because I don't feel great.' And I'll have the muscles to tell myself this if I exercise each day - more and longer than I have been doing, meditate each day (was getting lax with this) and do my other disciplines. Yep, I can't be perfect - I should know when to take it easy on myself, to rest, and know that's okay - I don't need to be improving and working on myself all the time.

 

[Phineas 808]

As for not making those recent mistakes again, once i'm a few days clean, I need to start building up resilience and discipline (ideas from my Zen reading). I indulged because I was cold and tired, and didn't feel very well. Next time, I need to sit with it, and say, 'no, I don't deserve a reward just because I don't feel great.' And I'll have the muscles to tell myself this if I exercise each day - more and longer than I have been doing, meditate each day (was getting lax with this) and do my other disciplines. Yep, I can't be perfect - I should know when to take it easy on myself, to rest, and know that's okay - I don't need to be improving and working on myself all the time.

Hi Joel, nice to meet you.

Sorry about your latest lapse. The disciplines you describe are a great idea (exercising and meditation) as a way to train ourselves into being more resilient, and not going for the immediate escape from uncomfortable states or situations via PMO.

Interested in your story. Keep going, despite the latest setback, it appears that you're serious about changing this.

Peace.

 

[Joel]

Thanks, Phineas. Nice to meet you too. Always good to see a fellow serious rebooter on the forum.

Day 1. Feeling focused. No dwelling on screens for the next few days - only work, posting on the forum, and planned TV-watching with others. In free time I'll read, journal, listen to the Dobber and Mark Manson and play music.

Also, as a 'negative consequence' for my relapse - no sex for a week. This is a kind of self-punishment, and of course abstinence is always good for recovery. I'm getting better at being present during sex, but I fail some of the time, porn fantasy appears and my healing is stalled.

Have a great day all.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Joel,

I loved your foundational plan. It's an honest inventory of your values and reasons for quitting, which everyone in recovery should at least consider if not fully commit to in a written out plan like yours. Well done!

I'm always a little reluctant to provide constructive feedback on an aspect of someone's plan for fear that they might think I'm cutting them down, or even worse, that I'm not rooting for them to succeed. But if I may, I'd like to give you my personal thoughts on enacting a negative consequence based on my own experience with doing this earlier in my recovery. These thoughts are given freely, so take them for exactly what they're worth!

Back when I was listening to the Dobber on a daily, I followed his plan-making podcasts and put together a plan very similar to yours, which included a negative consequence if I relapsed. If I'm remembering correctly, I think the consequence I gave to myself was to go 30 days without coffee. That consequence really had teeth because coffee has always been a staple for me in the mornings, part of my routine. Unfortunately I slipped and had to put the consequence into action. But then I relapsed again within the 30 day period - and now I had a new problem on my hands. I didn't have a plan beyond going 30 days without coffee if I slipped, so I had to figure out what to do next. I thought about all of the options: Do I extend the consequence another 30 days? Nope. If the consequence didn't work the first time, why would I think it would work again?... Do I shorten the length of the consequence? Possibly. But what's the right amount of time to punish myself?... Do I enact a second consequence? Maybe. But what if I slipped again? Would I just keep piling on consequences? Where would it end? It just brought up a lot of logistical questions for me.

The other issue that I had with giving myself a negative consequence was that it felt like I was relating to myself in a punitive way ("I did a bad thing. I'm a shitty person. I deserve to be punished") instead of in a compassionate way ("I slipped again. This isn't who I want to be. I deserve better"), which stirred up feelings of shame. But sometimes the tough love approach does work for people. I mean, look at the Dobber. It worked for him. If that isn't a ringing endorsement for this method, I don't know what is!

Those are my thoughts, again for what they're worth. I believe we're all here to help and learn from one another, so just know that these thoughts were given in the spirit of helpfulness and not to discourage you or find fault with anything that you're doing.

I think you're doing great things and are inspiring a lot guys, including myself, with your posts. I'm 100% rooting for you. Wishing you all the best, my friend!