The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Respected Member
I wonder has any1 thoughts on this...

I was running a half marathon today and had to be up at 6am and on the road for 7am. It was too early for coffee so I had a cup of tea, ate my breakfast and made a take away cup of tea for drive (I didn't want coffee as trying to find a toilet at the start of a race is a disaster.)

So I collected my brother and we drove to the race start (about an hour away.)

We got in amongst the 2500 runners, the race kicked off and we start the run.

I absolutely smashed the 1k, the 2k, the 3k and continued for the other 18k and set records all over the place. I placed ahead of so many good runners I know it was unreal :)

I couldn't believe it to be honest, I put it down to being off porn and must be all that extra energy.

So I met my brother and we decided to have food somewhere on the way home. I was happy and content and thought I would keep the buzz going with a cappuccino.

I drank the cappuccino, and and all of a sudden in the restaurant I felt a little more self conscious, even paranoid but I was ok.

By the time I had dropped my brother to his house and drove home, my head was filled with horrible negative thoughts, feeling of doom, anxiety and I actually started to feel like there was no hope?! Who could I call to help.

About an hour later i felt so stressed I just walked out of the house.

What the actual fuck happened?? I thought I was going crazy.
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Firstly big congratulations on your achievement!

The negativity you're experiencing may be
1. Exhaustion induced negativity
2. Old ways habitual negativity
3. Caffeine induced anxiety while in an exhausted state

See again how you feel after being fed and rested.
Give yourself time and space to recover properly.
Try not to think too much about it. Bask in your achievement.
Move onwards to your next goal.

Finally have a little time to go through this podcast.

Best
 
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GBS

Well-Known Member
Hello harps, it’s obviously the coffee and some form of association thing. This may not be directly analogous but when I stopped porn (and also masturbation basically) I also stopped another favourite thing I used to do, red wine. It sort of happened without me trying. But one evening after about 2 months I ploughed through a bottle one evening. I felt dreadful- like the old me had suddenly reappeared. It was weird. The old me obviously hadn’t appeared but my brain told me it had.

That would only be helpful for you if you basically had given up drinking coffee and just had one after a long break. So sorry if it isn’t the answer. It is the brain though….obviously. I think whatever it is, it’s a sign your brain is trying to fuck with you, and whilst that’s scary it’s also fucking brilliant news.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Firstly big congratulations on your achievement!

The negativity you're experiencing may be
1. Exhaustion induced negativity
2. Old ways habitual negativity
3. Caffeine induced anxiety while in an exhausted state

See again how you feel after being fed and rested.
Give yourself time and space to recover properly.
Try not to think too much about it. Bask in your achievement.
Move onwards to your next goal.

Finally have a little time to go through this podcast.

Best
@TakeActionNow Thanks so much for reply. I'll have to get to the bottom of this. No .3 - Caffeine induced anxiety while in an exhausted state is standing out to me.

It was funny how the nigh went. The anxiety came back, I felt cold with a banging headache and obviously urges cane back. Only recently I figured out that I was regulating my mood viewing porn do I became conscious of that fact that because I felt anxious and horrible my brain literally wanted to go to porn for soothing.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
@GBS You're right, it's obviously the coffee. I should of had a calm feeling but decided to ramp it up with coffee.

But it's good news knowing it causes something so I may just give up to see, thee is no other way.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@TakeActionNow Thanks so much for reply. I'll have to get to the bottom of this. No .3 - Caffeine induced anxiety while in an exhausted state is standing out to me.

It was funny how the nigh went. The anxiety came back, I felt cold with a banging headache and obviously urges cane back. Only recently I figured out that I was regulating my mood viewing porn do I became conscious of that fact that because I felt anxious and horrible my brain literally wanted to go to porn for soothing.
Unfortunately porn does soothe, that's why we're addicted and dependent on it.
I don't smoke and am not inclined to alcohol, but I believe addicts of these are also seeking the same outcome, to equally terrible dependency.

In a world without stimulants, depressants, indulgence or abuse, what could we do to manage? Here lie the possible solutions to alternatives to addiction.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Dont do what Donny Dont does 😄 you have to laugh or you would go insane with this.

I rang the Samaritans this evening, I was do fn low, I just want for a walk and random them for a chat, just to get me out of my head for a moment.

I chatted with a lovely woman named Mary.

I explained most of what I'm going thru to her and she said that I spoke about it all very well and that I was doing great. It brought me back tbh
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I haven't been this sober since I was 15. That is a fact. I have running to than for it, its my go to if I'm in trouble.

I have flashes of porn and I know how it would make me feel but I also no what the aftermath of relapse is and that is what keeps me sober.

This addiction is not defeated, I do know that, but I can walk away and stay away and in the end I am sober 65 days so I take great strength from that.

For the first time in my life I can see that i must work hard for what i want and that is the difference.

For what it's worth, my advice for anyone starting out on a journey is - go for walks whenever you need to and stay away from social media, just stay away and believe me it gets a little easier as time go by, however never let your guard down. Day by day. Just try. Then try again. Then again. But never stop trying.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
The Flatline. Urges aren't really a problem tbh my libido, well I don't have one. I have no interest as such.

The other side is I have a longing for that chemical concoction and can't get no satisfaction...well maybe a little.

The days don't really drag, and I always do different things and can meet different ppl but somehow that's never enough, I just feel empty.

I can run great times in races and be delighted and ppl are so great at telling me that I'm doing great and unreal times, but I cant reach that high or place where I have been all my life.

I feel like this version of me is stuck and the chains will not fall away. I don't feel anything different really and that is a problem. I feel exactly the same, only with no libido.

That's a problem. Its a big problem.

I don't need porn to get high, I just need something sexy and I wonder is that different? 🤔 I can get the same high from say Googling videos of a presenter I fancy, so is that different? It just seems different different a way. And if it's different what am i really fighting here.

^if any1 has thoughts on that I would ve grateful.
 

Simon2

Active Member
I think you actually have to get used to living without the constant dopamine rush in your blood. At first life will seem flat and boring. Just like a drug addict who's suddenly missing the highs. It's not normal to always be on a high. It takes time for your body to adjust. At first you will just have a huge crash. But over time you will become sensitive again to smaller things and colour will return to your world.

It's like the brain of a coffee addict is supper alive on coffee but totally dead without it. The brain of someone who doesn't drink coffee is ALWAYS pretty alive - it never drops like the coffee drinker's does. It's the same with P. It takes time for your brain to reboot. Be patient and kind with yourself.

My experience is that finding videos etc that are not P but stimulate me in the same way (a speaker you fancy) ultimately lead me back to P. After a while they are not enough... and you seek something more stimulating. But maybe it works for you? I think we have to find other things in life to give us highs - exercise, relationships, hobbies we like - they'll never feel like the HIGH of P, but they also won't give us the LOW that comes with any addiction. We need to remember that at the end of the day we always feel shitty after P. The glorious high is not worth it...
 
I think you actually have to get used to living without the constant dopamine rush in your blood. At first life will seem flat and boring. Just like a drug addict who's suddenly missing the highs. It's not normal to always be on a high. It takes time for your body to adjust. At first you will just have a huge crash. But over time you will become sensitive again to smaller things and colour will return to your world.

It's like the brain of a coffee addict is supper alive on coffee but totally dead without it. The brain of someone who doesn't drink coffee is ALWAYS pretty alive - it never drops like the coffee drinker's does. It's the same with P. It takes time for your brain to reboot. Be patient and kind with yourself.

My experience is that finding videos etc that are not P but stimulate me in the same way (a speaker you fancy) ultimately lead me back to P. After a while they are not enough... and you seek something more stimulating. But maybe it works for you? I think we have to find other things in life to give us highs - exercise, relationships, hobbies we like - they'll never feel like the HIGH of P, but they also won't give us the LOW that comes with any addiction. We need to remember that at the end of the day we always feel shitty after P. The glorious high is not worth it...
Really good thoughts Simon. Adjusting to a new normal first before building new pathways to feeling alive makes a lot of sense. It is a form of penance as I think a lot of us feel a need for redemption as part of this process.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
So I met a friend today, a girlfriend, well a friend I had a fling with.

The problem is she loves me (thats a different story) and she's married. I do like her as a friend, I really do and I need my friends but I am attracted to her and it may be that forbidden fruit is more tempting.

We met for a walk. Eventually we stopped in a woods and hugged. She said friends dont hug each other like this... and she is right. I had no problem getting a boner as we had some sort of sexual hug thing going on.

We just have a connection (we know each other 25 years and it will not go away.) She always listens and is always supportive and we laugh together. I never have to try around her, I can just be me.

I only really noticed her a few years ago when I get up porn and ended up with her a few times.

I can see today was all about rekindling something and it's kicked up the dirt again.
 

Jlied

Active Member
So I met a friend today, a girlfriend, well a friend I had a fling with.

The problem is she loves me (thats a different story) and she's married. I do like her as a friend, I really do and I need my friends but I am attracted to her and it may be that forbidden fruit is more tempting.

We met for a walk. Eventually we stopped in a woods and hugged. She said friends dont hug each other like this... and she is right. I had no problem getting a boner as we had some sort of sexual hug thing going on.

We just have a connection (we know each other 25 years and it will not go away.) She always listens and is always supportive and we laugh together. I never have to try around her, I can just be me.

I only really noticed her a few years ago when I get up porn and ended up with her a few times.

I can see today was all about rekindling something and it's kicked up the dirt again.
Man, that’s a tough one. It sounds like there is a genuine connection there between you two and it’s too bad it couldn’t have been realized sooner. But like you said, perhaps it could be the forbidden fruit that is tempting you. Perhaps it’s a way for your brain to release dopamine as many people describe the search for the right porn video as almost more exciting than the video itself. I’m guessing she is in a relationship based on the forbidden fruit comment but my question to you would be what we’re you looking for from her that you reached out to her? The hug, the tension, are you just teasing yourself? Is there any benefit that you see from this interaction if it were to happen again? Are you building a false hope up in her and causing her to question her present situation?

don’t get me wrong, there have been times as a married man where I have run into exes or people I had connections with in the past that has stirred some serious emotions in me, but I find in the end it’s a kind fuck and it leaves me open for making worse mistakes as a result. I dont even know if what I’m writing is even helpful lol. Words just started coming out and I put them into text.
1670357314224.gif
 

harpoon

Respected Member
She's married w/ kids.

What did I want? To feel something for a few moments I guess. That's being honest.

I broke her heart when she left her husband for me and I said that wasn't what I wanted and I said go back to your husband. After all that she is still there for me.

I know I should not be anywhere near this woman, or vice versa. She knows what I'm like, and I know what she's like and together it just gets out of control.

But I am attracted to her and aroused by her and while most of the time I dont feel anything, I feel good in that way with her so I'm trying to figure that out.
 

Jlied

Active Member
My opinion is stay away, if nothing else for the sake of her current relationship and family. She very well could be unhappy in it and that’s why she keeps coming back to you, but out of respect to her husband and kids I think it would be a good idea to let that connection go.

it sounds to me like you know it’s a bad idea and could create issues for you but the internal battle you are having over it is causing you to be hesitant about walking away. I’m sure in the end you’ll make the right choice, but from my view it seems like it’s a major temptation for you and one that may lead you down a path your trying to leave.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I really don't get this porn reboot crap today 😒 I haven't watched porn in so long, i have no desire to watch porn so what is the problem? I have trained like a mofo and still we have flat Paul, depressed Paul.

Yesterday I hugged my friend of 25-years, a woman whom loves me, would be with me, would leave her husband for me, and that hug made me feel great, I got a boner hugging this woman. I guess it was more than a hug.

My point...what am I looking for? I dont lie awake at night thinking I love her and I want to be with her...but being around her just makes me feel good.

I dont know. Sure she is attractive and we touch and flirt and we both turn a blind eye to what we are really doing.

I understand we're I am too.

My Dad died last May. I'ce cried myself to work, cried myself to sleep, cried at his grave and it broke my heart in pieces, and shattered my world. The days, weeks, months went by and I couldn't tell you what I was doing or where I had been. I lost the plot at some stage.

I had two woman chase me two weeks after my Dad died. I was distracted for months. The king is back I thought.

I fn capitchulated shortly after this, I hid in a relationship, said very little and was quite miserable. My personality had gone. My drive had gone and most of all the joy had gone. The joy is still gone. I miss my Dad x.

He was my best friend. And the way he died was so cruel. I feel like I let him down 😔

So when someone comes along and wants you its hard to say - goodbye I can't be with you.

And with all this happening I decided to quit porn I'm either brave or stupid.

68 days hmmm
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I don't know how to put it in easier terms but the world is cold not because no one loves us, but because we don't love ourselves.

Quiting porn is to help ourselves love ourselves better. Addiction takes us away from ourselves, hides our pain and challenges, and blinds us from making change and improvement.

When we quit we remove all falsehood and experience life as it is. But this is only the beginning.

Quiting porn itself does not help us.
The only way to succeed is if we following through with change. Only we can help ourselves by making necessary life, behaviour, thought and action changes.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Having been married and with child, I'd say love is often overrated.
It's mostly about duty and responsibility.

I hear you how wonderful it is to be with her. But unfortunately she is now with child and partner. To take on her is to take on the responsibility of her long term care. It means helping her with child care, her care and the assuming all the benefits of married life that she currently enjoys, including property and payment. This is a long term commitment you must assume.
This will certainly happen 2 years from today if you are still with her.

If it is short term for you, this relationship will be very bad for her, as she will be left with no partner and full responsibility of child.

Regardless how she feels about her current situation and her long term outlook, you must first commit your own long term outlook if you are to be with her.

If you are committed to all these responsibilities, then you must now start making plans and preparing long term stay with her and child.

And it is up to her if she is willing to move life ahead with you. Otherwise you are both daydreaming and wasting each other's precious time.
 
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