The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
I'm lucky I guess. I mean I have saved money over the past few years and have taken a break from work. I'm a wind Turbine Technician and there is always plenty of work do whenever I want to ho back there will be work. But I've taken a time out to work on me.
It's hasn't been wasted time and that was the only thing I wanted. If I was to take a break from work there had to be some benefit.
I"m nearly 3 months clean. I won't say I cant believe it, i do believe it, I've lived it. But I don't really count days but knowing I'm on a day keeps me grounded, I don't know if that makes sense? It keeps me focused.
I go out with friends for a meal and to see a band later today. Normally I'd get smashed but now I'm going to drive, this is just too important to me. If I get smashed, I'll either end up relapsing and waking up in bed with my phone beside me with 20 porn tabs opened, or i'll end up in bed with my friend.
I know that to be true. Its happened before on about 65 days porn free, I met her had a fling, she ended the fling, I was hurt, went down the rabbit hole to ease the pain and wasn't seen here for three years.
Mind you we had another fling in the Summer which I ended, but as I was in the rabbit hole, I didnt have to run down it (I always think of that rabbit from Alice in Wonderland when I say the rabbit hole
) so I know if i have a few drinks, I'll text her, I know I would. So sober is the way.
But anyway despite all that I am not waking up in hell tomorrow. That version and that life is not for me anymore.
It's hasn't been wasted time and that was the only thing I wanted. If I was to take a break from work there had to be some benefit.
I"m nearly 3 months clean. I won't say I cant believe it, i do believe it, I've lived it. But I don't really count days but knowing I'm on a day keeps me grounded, I don't know if that makes sense? It keeps me focused.
I go out with friends for a meal and to see a band later today. Normally I'd get smashed but now I'm going to drive, this is just too important to me. If I get smashed, I'll either end up relapsing and waking up in bed with my phone beside me with 20 porn tabs opened, or i'll end up in bed with my friend.
I know that to be true. Its happened before on about 65 days porn free, I met her had a fling, she ended the fling, I was hurt, went down the rabbit hole to ease the pain and wasn't seen here for three years.
Mind you we had another fling in the Summer which I ended, but as I was in the rabbit hole, I didnt have to run down it (I always think of that rabbit from Alice in Wonderland when I say the rabbit hole
) so I know if i have a few drinks, I'll text her, I know I would. So sober is the way. But anyway despite all that I am not waking up in hell tomorrow. That version and that life is not for me anymore.
Jlied
Active Member
I can’t help but think regardless of the short term stressors recovery puts in the body it won’t be worse than the king term benefits of not being addicted.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Spot on, my friend.
You have to laugh really. When I felt like crap and in a flatline I had no desire, no urges.The second you feel good, urges return 
and then you will find out what you have learned.
What i have learned is that I have to be easy with myself on the good day - light exercise, don't go nuts drinking coffee and eating sugar.
and then you will find out what you have learned.What i have learned is that I have to be easy with myself on the good day - light exercise, don't go nuts drinking coffee and eating sugar.
....and for you guys the truth. I met my friend yesterday. We went for a walk on a beach. We smiled, we laughed and we flirted, hugging and touching one another at times.
When i got home after the meal last night, we texted for a few hours.
Something within me clicks when I'm around her, and where I am right now I know I've been making some great decisions but sone really fn stupid ones too.
Anyway that's the truth and I don't know if that's the plot or a subplot at this stage.
I think I need to say goodbye once more. We are either too good together or too bad.
When i got home after the meal last night, we texted for a few hours.
Something within me clicks when I'm around her, and where I am right now I know I've been making some great decisions but sone really fn stupid ones too.
Anyway that's the truth and I don't know if that's the plot or a subplot at this stage.
I think I need to say goodbye once more. We are either too good together or too bad.
I fixed up my Dads greenhouse today, it needs more work but I did a little bit. He had/has an amazing garden. It was his pride and joy, behind his family of course.
I know he loved me and was very proud of me (he'd tell my Aunty that "Paul is a genuius") she'd then tell me that anytime i'd call to her
The real genius was my Dad. I look back now and it's as plain as day. I think he knew he only had so much time left and everyone has a memorable last time they saw my Dad story ❤
One of the last conversations I had with my Dad was like we were just Father and Son again, like he was Dad and I was a little kid looking up to him. He said "Paul you have to do what makes you happy," and that was it, exactly what I needed to hear. Talk about a genius
I know he loved me and was very proud of me (he'd tell my Aunty that "Paul is a genuius") she'd then tell me that anytime i'd call to her
The real genius was my Dad. I look back now and it's as plain as day. I think he knew he only had so much time left and everyone has a memorable last time they saw my Dad story ❤
One of the last conversations I had with my Dad was like we were just Father and Son again, like he was Dad and I was a little kid looking up to him. He said "Paul you have to do what makes you happy," and that was it, exactly what I needed to hear. Talk about a genius
searching4good
Active Member
Keep on reflecting Paul and keep on moving forwards.
Without wanting to overstep the mark, based on everything I've read of your journal in recent months, I'm pretty sure your dad would be mighty proud of the man you are today. And that feels like as good a litmus test as any.
Without wanting to overstep the mark, based on everything I've read of your journal in recent months, I'm pretty sure your dad would be mighty proud of the man you are today. And that feels like as good a litmus test as any.
@searching4good Thank you very much 
On a porn note, I can honestly say, I don't have a great interest in opening a tab on my phone and starting to fap. It would take a massive swing for that to happen.
However, I do realise that I have become very interested in someone atm and that needs to stop.
All in all, 89 days
Theres been more ups and downs than a level of Mario bros on the nes but I feel ok, and ok is good enough for now 
However, I do realise that I have become very interested in someone atm and that needs to stop.
All in all, 89 days
Theres been more ups and downs than a level of Mario bros on the nes but I feel ok, and ok is good enough for now 
Beautiful1973
Active Member
By my calculation, when you wake up and read this, you will have made it to 90 days. Well done Paul, you should be so proud of yourself fella. I have loved following your journey over the last few months, it has given me real insight into how hard this shite is to break, but that it can be done with hard work and focus.
I found this statement very interesting, I wonder what your thought pattern behind that is?!?!
So @Beautiful1973 this statement "However, I do realise that I have become very interested in someone atm and that needs to stop."
Unfortunately this woman is married. I've known her 25-years and she married my former best friend. We all went out together, partied together, hung out together. But there was always something there, but I was up to my eyes busy with porn and she was happy I thought.
Long story short, about four years ago I gave up porn for 4 months (I relapsed for two weeks somewhere in the middle) and I was feeling pretty good .
I called in to my best friends house and we had a cup of coffee in the garden. She walked out in to the garden and bent over to pick up a flower pot, I looked over and looked at her arse, and when I looked up our eyes met.
Something changed in that moment.
We had a few flings after that. We had a another fling a few months ago. It got messy and I ran.
We didn't speak for 4 months. She tried to put her marriage back together and I went out with someone else.
I reached out to her one day when I was struggling early in my reboot. She met me on the beach. She was pissed off with me but she still chatted and helped me through that day.
We started meeting for coffees a few weeks ago, and I noticed she had changed towards me, she wasn't pissed off, and she seemed impressed with my progress. She was great she would listen for hours when I talked about porn and what its like to be addicted etc she's the only person that ever asked me a question, because if I tell anyone I was hooked on porn I always say "ask me anything" I was impressed she asked.
Anyway "long story short", we talk, we text, and the more we meet, the more we flirt.
There is a massive energy between us, and being off porn I can now feel that. I don't think she is going to walk away, and I know deep down I must .
Unfortunately this woman is married. I've known her 25-years and she married my former best friend. We all went out together, partied together, hung out together. But there was always something there, but I was up to my eyes busy with porn and she was happy I thought.
Long story short, about four years ago I gave up porn for 4 months (I relapsed for two weeks somewhere in the middle) and I was feeling pretty good .
I called in to my best friends house and we had a cup of coffee in the garden. She walked out in to the garden and bent over to pick up a flower pot, I looked over and looked at her arse, and when I looked up our eyes met.
Something changed in that moment.
We had a few flings after that. We had a another fling a few months ago. It got messy and I ran.
We didn't speak for 4 months. She tried to put her marriage back together and I went out with someone else.
I reached out to her one day when I was struggling early in my reboot. She met me on the beach. She was pissed off with me but she still chatted and helped me through that day.
We started meeting for coffees a few weeks ago, and I noticed she had changed towards me, she wasn't pissed off, and she seemed impressed with my progress. She was great she would listen for hours when I talked about porn and what its like to be addicted etc she's the only person that ever asked me a question, because if I tell anyone I was hooked on porn I always say "ask me anything" I was impressed she asked.
Anyway "long story short", we talk, we text, and the more we meet, the more we flirt.
There is a massive energy between us, and being off porn I can now feel that. I don't think she is going to walk away, and I know deep down I must .
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Beautiful1973
Active Member
Why do you, because she’s married? Do you love her?
@Beautiful1973 when we had our first fling, yes I fell in love with her. Her husband was accessing her messages at the time (I always assumed that would be the case) so I didn't text anything inappropriate so she was blamed for pursuing me. I remember having a chat with her on the phone and she told me that her husband needed her and we couldn't see each other anymore. I was heartbroken. After two-weeks feeling like shit, I just got over it. Four years later I broke her heart. And six months later, we're looking at each other again.
Do I love her? Maybe.
Do I love her? Maybe.
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