The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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harpoon

Respected Member
One word I've never used on here or when talking about porn addiction is shame. I don't feel ashamed of myself.

That's why the SLAA meetings weren't for me. Meeting at secret locations and using fake names, no thanks.

But anyway it's time for a coffee as I, my friends, have made it to 90 days 😃😃😃
Wahoo 🤟
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Today is a great milestone for me. I was determined to make it here. When I ran a marathon after 30 days (and I nailed that marathon 😃) I believed. I knew it would be tough but wahoo it's great.

So heres a few benefits I've noticed:
- Anxiety (that crippling I don't want to go out anxiety is gone!)
- Compulsiveness (i didn't have a prayer before, I was at the mercy of porn, not gone, but very manageable)
- intrusive thoughts (mostly sexual about everything and anymore are gone!)
- Night Sweats gone
- More Sociable (I'll actually go out of my way to meet ppl!)
- Happier in my own skin
- Morning Wood (not all the time but sometimes)
- the last few days my mood has been great
- I look at woman different (it's hard to describe)

But there is more to porn addiction that just mister Winky. That I know now. I understand it to be an internalised drug addiction, and in my case I have used porn to self soothe, those facts have helped no end.

Thank you all for all the help and making 90 days possible :)

Anyway I'll be working on today first 👍

 
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Jlied

Jlied

Active Member
harpoon said:
One word I've never used on here or when talking about porn addiction is shame. I don't feel ashamed of myself.

That's why the SLAA meetings weren't for me. Meeting at secret locations and using fake names, no thanks.

But anyway it's time for a coffee as I, my friends, have made it to 90 days 😃😃😃
Wahoo 🤟
Click to expand...
Congratulations my friend, quite an accomplishment
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but you can also make your own luck. I've been dragging my heels for too long with someone.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So I had my New Years drinks with friends. I set up a fireworks display with my bestfriend and he asked me was I OK 🙂 I have to say I was kinda taken back but then I replied that I was and I was feeling better all the time. The fireworks were great, there was a bunch of kids there and they themselves nearly exploded with excitement 🙂

What I noticed is that I had to be so in control of those drinks and what pace I drank at it took the fun out of it. I didn't get that real happy buzz either, but strange headaches. And I was all about just staying porn free at the end of the night.

I got home at 3am. I had a missed call from my friend (she was out on the town and if she takes a drink, she's all over me.) I opened a beer and sat down. I had one mouthful of thar beer and thought "fuck this bullshit (drinking and messing around with her.)" I poured that beer down the kitchen sink and went to bed.

Maybe rebooting is about growth and change, but I have changed, and more than I had realised.

It doesn't bother me if I never drink or get wasted anymore, in fact I don't want to. They say a leopard can't change their spots, and I think its true about her, and I think for me she is quite toxic, and I'll be derailed fom what I'm trying to achieve if this continues. I am also quite toxic to her and I know that too.

But its not good enough to take responsibility for your actions, you have to make the right decisions too. And I must work on that also. It causes less anguish.

Ultimately I like being sober from porn and alcohol. I'm creating a life I enjoy. However there is a small part of that leopard in there and I need to keep working on that.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I love these Dr Trish Leigh videos, she really has changed how I think about porn. I let them play randomly sometimes.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I can tell you now, its brutal trying to fight cravings with a hangover and I havent felt right today and I don't like it at all.

Lesson learned, fuck drink.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I was gonna post here about my friend, but we're not just friends we're nearly a secret couple at this stage.

And the problem is me. I've always been attracted to her. Now I'm off porn i just want her. Simple as that. I know she feels this new energy too.

I have known her at least 25 years now and she has always been a great friend, a great listener and somewhere along the line she has become a lover I guess.

But she is married now, with kids, and while it's an unhappy marriage, i can't be the reason the marriage ends.

She's the one that got away but that's nothing new.

But all these emotions and situations are not a reason to relapse. I will get things right eventually.

I won't relapse for anyone.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I'm reflecting a lot lately, and as Trish leigh said in a podcast "....shrunken brain, broken relationships and all you will have left is porn." Of course she is right. I'm not afraid to admit I have lost pretty much everything at this point, even porn.

I could "survive" on my own but when with a partner the damage was obvious, and i didn't recognise myself anymore. That was my rock bottom when I knew porn had destroyed me.

But it's true. Porn destroyed my life, and it hurts that I allowed that to happen. Ultimately I think I am just an addict now, whether that's sex, porn, alcohol, caffeine, or whatever.

Take for example the woman I see. We have done things I have seen (not in the last 91 days tho) and that is addictive too.

I 100% don't need porn now. My brain recalls past sexual experiences that I have had, and the most recent enjoyable ones were with her. She wants me and gives herself to me (lets be honest here.) Its pure lust and thats addictive too (again not in the last 91 days.)

But everything isn't about sex and porn.

I've ended up feeling incomplete. Thats the hardest thing i have found "needing" someone to fill that void, a lost connection maybe.

I can only assume porn was the connection.

I know this is a rebuilding job now.

If anything I have always tried to be honest on here. These are my thoughts as I try to recover from porn addiction.

There's a lot more going on than just porn.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Just a quick post.

The last few days have been hard (harder if your stupid) but post alcohol I feel depressed and that has made me vulnerable to relapse. I'm working my way through things but i'll never drink alcohol again.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Just a thought. 4 from 5 of my Uncles on my Mothers side are alcoholics. And I'm wondering now maybe genetics has played a part in my life. Its just a thought. I do wonder.

I would always binge drink, get smashed and more often than not blackout.

I guess it's irrelevant really. I can't really give up porn and start drinking again, that. does. not. compute. 🤣

When ppl say rebooting is a journey you better belief it.

Rebooting reminds me of the boardgame 🐍 🐍 and 🪜 🪜

I know my journal is all over the place at times, it's about porn, its about drink it's about women, it's about grief, its about my struggles, but at least its not boring I guess 🤣
 
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