The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

Thanks for sharing @Jlied

You said it, a gateway. Gateway to hell.

But I like this "I feel like porn recovery is like the Dunning-Kruger Effect in that the more you learn about yourself and recovery or triggers the more you realize just how little you actually understood."

I realised if I drink I am compulsive for the next few days and that doesn't work when you're fighting a compulsion.

I prefer my sober life. A walk on the beach with friends means more to me than talking shite in a pub and sipping pints while everyone else gets wasted.

They'll be in the same bar in six, seven years time celebrating a cascade of 50th birthday parties, I will be a multiple ironman, and that is a fact.

 

[Jlied]

They'll be in the same bar in six, seven years time celebrating a cascade of 50th birthday parties, I will be a multiple ironman, and that is a fact.

This is a powerful realization of yours. I remember when my friends and I were in our early 20’s just being able to go to the bars and seeing guys in their 40’s and 50’s always there sitting at the bar. I used to think I hope I never get to a point in my life where I am doing that. Now I may meet up with friends a few times a year at a bar to catch up annex we never see each other anymore but it’s really the only time I go into a bar anymore.

you seem like such a motivated person who achieves his goals once he’s visualized them, I have no doubt you will crush your recovery goals as well!

 

[harpoon]

@Jlied Thankfully there is a few wife's in the group and over the last few years they've started to organise meals out before the pub so thats cool if anyone just wants some food not drink.

But live and let live.

"You seem like such a motivated person who achieves his goals once he’s visualized them, I have no doubt you will crush your recovery goals as well!

Thank you when it comes to training i'm Mr. Motivator, it's easy, I love it. I have to work on other things

 

[harpoon]

So yesterday I had like a fantasy enter my mind. It took over for a few moments but I managed to distract myself. This is how it all started for me. There was no porn. Imagination, and I know that this is a difficult problem.

This is the last piece of the jigsaw. This is how to move forward. I do know that. Once through that wall you are free.

But I wanna address something. The woman I was seeing. I can see now that everything I was saying and doing was for one reason only, and that was to just use her. My brain knows I can go and get off with her and the fantasy I had was about a time we were together.

Now I haven't had a fantasy in awhile, or watched porn, or sought out anything sexual in a long time but when that fantasy hit i could feel those neural pathways ignite.

I think I will work a Trish Leigh program, it can only help.

 

[harpoon]

So I feel good today. I had another urge/fantasy last night try enter my mind but I distracted myself. It was fine.

1) I can see that I have trained myself so well in certain areas. I can hold my phone in my hand and 99.9% of the time i never think to search porn.

2) I can be at home alone and nope I can stay sober (the odd time I will have to leave and go for a walk though)

These were the top two habits of mine.

Everything external is really gone. I don't watch porn, I don't watch movies/shows with anything sexual stimulating (and I was watching some stupid shows just to see a bit, like afternoon chat shows )

One of the worse things about quitting porn is "losing" your identity. I thought I knew who I was. I didn't really. I laughed and joked and you'd think I was confident, but I was a mess. I'd only do the things in life that i liked to do when I felt good, and that wasn't too often.

Without porn, maybe it just took the facade away. My true feelings would be shown to the world, I was hurt and miserable and had lost my way.

Now slowly I return.

I love to lift weights again. I love to play my guitar again. I am more Sociable. I smile more, and make the same dumb jokes if anyone likes them or not. I can chill out and watch a movie or go and freeze my balls off in a sea swim.

98 days.....hmmm....maybe this is the only way i'll ever hit a second 180 (darts )

 

[TakeActionNow]

Quitting is the surest way of discovering your true identity. Addiction clouds and transforms us with warped values and goals. Without it's negative influences, we are finally free to pursue and be what truly matters to us individually.

This is really great news from you. I'm so glad you managed to get out of that angry and negative loop you were in last month. Cheers

 

[harpoon]

Thank you @TakeActionNow

I also think that the stress from my Dads passing has left me and while I'll always love and miss him, I dont need to suffer anymore to realise that.

 

[harpoon]

The conflict within me is massive. I'm in the middle of a struggle here. My old "friend" porn pulls left, his promises get my attention sometimes (I can see the despair in his eyes) and my future self pulls right, he makes promises but maybe I don't believe those either. I'm just I the middle, leave me alone.

I started mo when i was 13. I'm 44 now. I had 5 years fantasy, then soft porn on tv late at night for another 5 years then another 20-years of porn. Every day. There is no medal btw.

So 99 days porn free for me is massive. It is massive. Again, no medal.

So there is two things that have made this journey more difficult the last 9 days. 1) Alcohol 2) my woman "friend"

Now alcohol can go that's ok.

But my friend well, we text, and we've met, and it's all flirting and sexual innuendos and I've indulged myself in this. But it's not about being with her and being in love, it's about lust and what I can get from this situation.

I'm an asshole. I reached out to her husband to make things right, and I text her then behind his back.

Someone give it to me straight?

 

[GBS]

I will give it to you straight Harpers, you are Mr Cool because you’re kicking a vile habit, and then a sneaky bit of your brain allows you one self indulgence. You know it’s way past naughty. It’s not ok. Worst of all, it probably hinders your progress.

Have a chat with yourself staring in the mirror- I mean it. I do that sometimes. Listen to what you tell yourself.

99% of you is being heroic. The 1% probably needs to be given (what we Brits call) “the Spanish”.

 

[harpoon]

Thank you @GBS yes you're right this is hindering my progress and as you say that 1% , well I dont know what 'the Spanish' means, but something like a kick in the hole would suffice.

 

[harpoon]

".....I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B. Yeats

I went out with a girl from about 16 - 20 years old, she gave me a book of W.B.Yeats poems on one of my birthdays. That extract above is from the poem He Wishes For the Cloths Of Heaven.

It was only when I found that book 15 years later did I bother to read that poem myself. The last two lines always resonated with me.

We (myself and that exgirlfriend) did finally talk 20 years later (I wouldn't entertain that idea for a long time) and I did text her one Christmas and we went for a run. We meet for a few runs most times she is home (she moved to Germany,) and it is cool to be able to do that

 

[TakeActionNow]

The conflict within me is massive. I'm in the middle of a struggle here. My old "friend" porn pulls left, his promises get my attention sometimes (I can see the despair in his eyes) and my future self pulls right, he makes promises but maybe I don't believe those either. I'm just I the middle, leave me alone.

I started mo when i was 13. I'm 44 now. I had 5 years fantasy, then soft porn on tv late at night for another 5 years then another 20-years of porn. Every day. There is no medal btw.

So 99 days porn free for me is massive. It is massive. Again, no medal.

So there is two things that have made this journey more difficult the last 9 days. 1) Alcohol 2) my woman "friend"

Now alcohol can go that's ok.

But my friend well, we text, and we've met, and it's all flirting and sexual innuendos and I've indulged myself in this. But it's not about being with her and being in love, it's about lust and what I can get from this situation.

I'm an asshole. I reached out to her husband to make things right, and I text her then behind his back.

Someone give it to me straight?

Never discount yourself of your achievements. They serve to remind yourself of your ability and will see you through more difficult challenges. During reboot, self achievement recognition is the most important source of feel-good. Your 99 days is an achievement. You should find a way to celebrate that achievement, like a nice meal or a good buy. Lock that feel-good in and use it for future motivation.

I recently walked away from fierce temptation and celebrated it immediately with a nice meal. Now I use that nice memory whenever I need to, and it actually makes challenges feel pleasurable.

---
Ultimately it's about the values you hold yourself to and discipline to see it through.

Nothing in the past is responsible for the decisions you make here and now.

If you do not do the things you said you'd do, the only person you betray is yourself, and the price is your dignity.

If you do not hold yourself accountable for everything that you do, your future will all be about paying that price.

 

[harpoon]

Never discount yourself of your achievements. They serve to remind yourself of your ability and will see you through more difficult challenges. During reboot, self achievement recognition is the most important source of feel-good. Your 99 days is an achievement. You should find a way to celebrate that achievement, like a nice meal or a good buy. Lock that feel-good in and use it for future motivation.

I recently walked away from fierce temptation and celebrated it immediately with a nice meal. Now I use that nice memory whenever I need to, and it actually makes challenges feel pleasurable.

---
Ultimately it's about the values you hold yourself to and discipline to see it through.

Nothing in the past is responsible for the decisions you make here and now.

If you do not do the things you said you'd do, the only person you betray is yourself, and the price is your dignity.

If you do not hold yourself accountable for everything that you do, your future will all be about paying that price.

"...your future will be all about paying the price." I like that, thank you

 

[harpoon]

To move forward I must let go of my past. I have changed so much over the last few years.

Its time to look after myself and do the things I enjoy. Drinking isnt one of them and lying isnt one either.

I have really two best friends, they are a lovely couple, so positive and happy. And let me tell you, my buddy loves his wife ❤ They're teenage sweethearts and they are awesome.

The rest of them, well like the name of my journal they're like the good, the bad, and the ugly. Getting hammered, getting high, lying, cheating and whatever in you're midforties, well it's not for me. Although the cheating part well I've been there and done that.

I've lost respect for one or two of them recently. You hear a lot more when you're sipping beers and ppl are on phones hammered.

I'm ready to walk away and let the dogs fight over the last bone.

 

[harpoon]

I watched The Resurrection Of Jake "The Snake" Roberts awhile back. He was a mess. I won't ruin it, but he did get clean

I remember he said something like "one beer is too many, and 100 is not enough."

I also must try harder. There is too much social media drifting back in to my life atm it's not porn, but it's dopamine dripping and I can't have that.

 

[harpoon]

I was about 13 when I started growing my hair long (I had saw a Guns N Roses concert on tv and I thought those guys were so cool .) By the time I was 16 my hair was shoulder length. I arrived home one night, walked in to the sitting room and my Dad x says "here's Michael Bolton" I didn't appreciate that comment at the time but I can see my humor is actually the same

 

[harpoon]

The reason I watch and listen to Dr. Trish Leigh is because she has managed to put in to words exactly how I feel. I know she understands. It's that simple.

 

[harpoon]

I was about 13 when I started growing my hair long (I had saw a Guns N Roses concert on tv and I thought those guys were so cool .) By the time I was 16 my hair was shoulder length. I arrived home one night, walked in to the sitting room and my Dad x says "here's Michael Bolton" I didn't appreciate that comment at the time but I can see my humor is actually the same

@Beautiful1973 glad to see you are back and for the record, I look very little like Michael Bolton, and that doesn't bother me one bit

 

[harpoon]

So I had an urge today. An urge to view a tv show. There is a woman tv presenter on that show I find attractive. Its far from porn but its off limits too.

I just started lifting weights, and I was rewarded with a great buzz

 

[harpoon]

My brother-in-law was diagnosed with testicular cancer today. He's a young, strong man, married to my sister with 3 very young children. It put things in perspective very quickly.

My younger sister has always been there for me, and I'm be there for her too, no matter what.

After chatting for awhile I went for a walk. I didn't think about much on that walk. There is a small lake in a park and there was a lot of ducks. I did think of Scrooge McDuck for a moment and smirk to myself.

But the fresh air was great. It seems to help no matter the situation.