The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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harpoon

Respected Member
My motivation is low today. I've recognised that I do get dips in form every month, maybe for a few days, then my mood lifts. The tank seems empty today though.

These are the days I'm vulnerable. On these days I want something to lift my mood, something to make me feel "normal."

As far as i can see I was derailed New Years Eve. 90 days clean, everything was going well, I could manage. Then a few drinks with friends. Anxiety returned, and I can see I'm not the same. I am struggling. I always got depressed after drinking. And my solution for feeling down was always to watch porn.

My guess is, if I wasn't a porn addict, I would have been an alcoholic. I base that on binge drinking and offsetting the negative side effects of that by binge watching porn. Plus alcoholics runs deep in the family, 4 Uncles and 1 brother.

But changing the subject - I dont really have urges to watch porn, but urges for dopamine, and to get that high I know porn is the key. I understand that now.
 
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Nico

Active Member
Sorry to hear about your brother in law mate. Hope you can weather the storm and get through the dip. I feel like getting through the dips or storms is like a muscle we have to develop, as if its an opportunity to grow and develop equanimity. The fact is, you got through 90 days, and are still going strong, which is inspiring and amazing so thank you for showing me it is possible!
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Thanks @Nico sometimes even someone just taking the time to reply can save my ass 👍

I'm in a fight today and my solution is to run up the mountain twice, that is the only thing i can think of today
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Most of the time my runs are different. I'll run up a mountain for fun (x2 today 💪,) run on the beach and pick up a log and run with that for fun, or run around town in the rain 🌧 😀 because you see when I run I am free.

With Axl Rose screaming in my ears and running up those hills, I am unstoppable and at peace with myself.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
"Pleasure and pain exist in the same area of the brain, and we know in an addictive cycle pleasure always ends up in the same amount, or more of pain. So we have two aspects of your mind.

We have the aspect that's healthy and its purpose, and the unhealthy aspect which is pleasure seeking that ends up in pain." Trish Leigh

And that's what I felt today. On purpose, I will run this mountain twice today 💪 and awhile after I stopped running pleasure seeking again.

Just a big boy thought for the night 😆
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Earlier i watched some guy on youtube talk about quitting porn and that you'd need 'grit.' Well, I've got grit, and I've also now got belief.

My belief comes from abstinence and making it through tough times. I feel like I can rely on myself now if that makes sense.
My brain no longer thinks it needs porn to survive (that's kind of how it feels.)

And on that note, I bid you adieu (whatever that means?) 🤣
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
There's a couple of reasons I posted that photo.

1) it makes me more real on here

2) I'm not ashamed of trying to recover from an addiction

3) so ppl can see what a normal guy looks like thats addicted to porn.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I might change my name on here to The Waffler 🤣 At times it helps me so much to log in here and just waffle a bit.

Tonights waffle...Friday the 13th movies 🤩 so crap, they're great! I've thrown on part VII 🤣 ....this is too crap, I'm going for part 8 - Jason Takes Manhattan......right part 9 it is The Final Friday.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I have read quite a few porn addiction stories at this stage but i have never read one where the addict have a habit like mine. I know they must be out there, and believe me I don't want a medal.

I think I did everything...binge, edge, for mammoth 4hr sessions, seven days per week, and when you're in that realm for so long there's a lot going on.

I was foolish to think I could drink alcohol, it doesn't fit. I'll either relapse while drunk, while hungover or end up an alcoholic.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I drove 45mins today to go for a trail run in a woods :) The energy wasn't there so I just jogged around listening to my ipod. On the way home I took a detour to the coast (10mins away) I knew there was a nice coffee shop there 🤣 Its all about distracting myself really.

I enjoy going to different places, and if that keeps me and happy and sober, well like L'oreal, I'm worth it 🤣🤣
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
harpoon said:
I was foolish to think I could drink alcohol, it doesn't fit. I'll either relapse while drunk, while hungover or end up an alcoholic.
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I can definitely attest that alcohol leads to porn relapses, I'm proof unfortunately. The most hardcore, violent PMO binges came when I was drunk. And as I have a drinking problem, many promising porn streaks got killed because of getting drunk and binging PMO with no resistance. I haven't drunk anything since the beginning of the year and this, coupled with no porn since the beginning of the year has made me be pretty miserable so far. It's definitely not fun.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I can definitely attest that alcohol leads to porn relapses, I'm proof unfortunately. The most hardcore, violent PMO binges came when I was drunk. And as I have a drinking problem, many promising porn streaks got killed because of getting drunk and binging PMO with no resistance. I haven't drunk anything since the beginning of the year and this, coupled with no porn since the beginning of the year has made me be pretty miserable so far. It's definitely not fun.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply @Escapeandnevercomeback ;) well done on your two weeks 👏 It's not fun, but stick with it and things do get a lot easier 😀 The tough times always pass
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Here's how I really feel - I tried so hard to save me ass, I really did. The underlying depression is killing me, the inside of my head feels sore, and there doesn't seem to be any point carrying on.

When I was using porn, there was some sort of balance in my mind, I laughed, I joked, I could function. Life was ok.

Now there's nothing. No joy. A constant struggle. A high price to pay for morning erections.

Its not even urges that are the problem, it's the depression. I know that I can soothe that within seconds, just open my phone. Things would be ok again.

25 years I have had a porn problem, I was a fool to think I was ever getting away after 100+ days.. I was also a fool to drink. How the fuck can an addict like me drink alcohol 😔

I dont understand myself anymore.

I'm sorry for this shitty post, I really am. Today just sucks.
 
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Nico

Active Member
Sorry you're having a tough time, hope you can get through it. No apology needed, its good to get it out and there just are shitty days. I used to have a sponsor, and whenever I felt like that he told me to do a gratitude list, which used to annoy the hell out of me, but actually it really helps shift focus and change state.
 
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