The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
So for the most part I do find it easier to stay away from porn now, a lot easier. However there are days here and there where I will feel completely vulnerable (can last 1-3 days) but I have learned to work through those phases and always eventually will feel good again.
I'm not triggered like I used to be.
Actually I think Trish Leigh is quite good looking, and I think thats alright, well I feel like that's a normal way to think.
Now I don't want to get serious on your ass's but I will for un momento.
When I had, or tried to have sex, it was never about the other person. Never about sharing an experience. It was always about me. It was about using that person to get high. I wasn't conscience of this until the last relationship when it became obvious and I didn't like how it was tbh
I had separated the two. There was sex, and there was the relationship.
In fact the only thing i have ever truely loved is porn, and that left me unable to love an actually person.
But I'm different now, and on a good path. I have changed. I know I'm not there yet but I will be.
I'm not triggered like I used to be.
Actually I think Trish Leigh is quite good looking, and I think thats alright, well I feel like that's a normal way to think.
Now I don't want to get serious on your ass's but I will for un momento.
When I had, or tried to have sex, it was never about the other person. Never about sharing an experience. It was always about me. It was about using that person to get high. I wasn't conscience of this until the last relationship when it became obvious and I didn't like how it was tbh
I had separated the two. There was sex, and there was the relationship.
In fact the only thing i have ever truely loved is porn, and that left me unable to love an actually person.
But I'm different now, and on a good path. I have changed. I know I'm not there yet but I will be.
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That woman I was secretly seeing has blocked me. Now that was after she rang me at 2am New Years Eve and I didn't answer the phone.
That's fine block away if thats what you're in to. But my gut feeling is she has finished with her husband. Now she is nice as pie with me, but I do know she is absolutely ruthless when it comes to her husband. I hope I am not right, because I turned her down once and will turn her down again.
As paradoxical as this is gonna sound (me being the other guy) I have lost respect for her. There is nothing but pain involved in an affair.
I know I have acted like an asshole over the last month with her... the thrill of the chase excited me, life was boring porn free. For my part I am sorry.
Anyway, the less bs in my life the better. Navigating away from porn is tough enough without the odd wigwam thrown in your way.
That's fine block away if thats what you're in to. But my gut feeling is she has finished with her husband. Now she is nice as pie with me, but I do know she is absolutely ruthless when it comes to her husband. I hope I am not right, because I turned her down once and will turn her down again.
As paradoxical as this is gonna sound (me being the other guy) I have lost respect for her. There is nothing but pain involved in an affair.
I know I have acted like an asshole over the last month with her... the thrill of the chase excited me, life was boring porn free. For my part I am sorry.
Anyway, the less bs in my life the better. Navigating away from porn is tough enough without the odd wigwam thrown in your way.
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Jlied
Active Member
Sometimes it sucks not being the one the end things first, even though you were going to end it, her ending it first probably hurt a bit. One of my first accountability partners ended our engagements even though I knew we weren’t a good fit. It sucked, I was a bit upset because I felt rejected but really I was more disappointed that he had the courage to end it and I did not.
hopefully you two will get some closure so that you can both move on easier knowing there was no future together vs always wondering.
hopefully you two will get some closure so that you can both move on easier knowing there was no future together vs always wondering.
@Jlied Thanks 
with her it never ends, and she will reach out eventually, whether that's the weekend or when she misses me because she is actually infatuated with me and that's something different to love.
I asked her a question a few weeks ago, but she took it a different way and answered a different question.
I said "what do you think?" I was looking for an external view on how I was doing, she thought I meant about "What did you think about us?" She said "I'm waiting to see how you get on." I said nothing.
Ultimately she will come back looking, but it doesn't make sense for me to entertain this anymore. I wanted the thrill.
with her it never ends, and she will reach out eventually, whether that's the weekend or when she misses me because she is actually infatuated with me and that's something different to love.I asked her a question a few weeks ago, but she took it a different way and answered a different question.
I said "what do you think?" I was looking for an external view on how I was doing, she thought I meant about "What did you think about us?" She said "I'm waiting to see how you get on." I said nothing.
Ultimately she will come back looking, but it doesn't make sense for me to entertain this anymore. I wanted the thrill.
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So we are up to 94 
I don't really count days but I love hitting milestones. 100 will be nice.
The last few days I have had headaches, well a slight kind of numbing sensation within my brain. I have slept in bed until 11am, 12pm, 10:30, am and times like that. I felt like I was knocked out tbh. Now I don't like being lazy, if you've read my journal you know thats true, but I said to myself I would take it easy with myself for a few weeks.
These headaches can only be healing. My mood has lifted and is definitely more stable. My thoughts are different, I don't get stuck on one negative thought either. No OCD. Anxiety is gone.
I have to acknowledge I had a 20-year porn habit, and before that I was hooked on masturbation as a teen. Those headaches have to be healing. I'm convinced of that.
For the record, I woke up with the biggest boner of my life. It was like the rocket launcher from the movie Commando
but joking aside, it's great to have them and it's a great sign of healing.
I don't really count days but I love hitting milestones. 100 will be nice. The last few days I have had headaches, well a slight kind of numbing sensation within my brain. I have slept in bed until 11am, 12pm, 10:30, am and times like that. I felt like I was knocked out tbh. Now I don't like being lazy, if you've read my journal you know thats true, but I said to myself I would take it easy with myself for a few weeks.
These headaches can only be healing. My mood has lifted and is definitely more stable. My thoughts are different, I don't get stuck on one negative thought either. No OCD. Anxiety is gone.
I have to acknowledge I had a 20-year porn habit, and before that I was hooked on masturbation as a teen. Those headaches have to be healing. I'm convinced of that.
For the record, I woke up with the biggest boner of my life. It was like the rocket launcher from the movie Commando
but joking aside, it's great to have them and it's a great sign of healing.I had been watching a Trish Leigh video on porn every morning. I watched one yesterday about the stages of recovery. Commitment, 90-days, healing (can take 1-3 years)
I'd like to think I'm getting into the healing phase. No fap, no porn, no social media, no nada.
But like anything, porn served a purpose at the time, the samartians served a purpose at the time (they were great btw) but I dont feel the need to ring them anymore, and these videos, well they got me where I am today but I sooner play some tunes now instead.
If you look at my life, once I became a teen I self soothed. I have learned in the most difficult phase of my life to cope without porn, so what do I really need, another motivational video?
And the self soothing thing, well I also loved porn.
Maybe I played an ace. Maybe because I didn't use a porn blocker, because I didn't do the meetings, because I didn't listen when they said you can't do it alone, and because I did it on my own terms. Maybe that's the way it had to be. I took responsibility for myself for the first time in my life. Maybe it was the only way out.
I'll never forget that day 94 days ago, and that is all I need to stay sober.
I'd like to think I'm getting into the healing phase. No fap, no porn, no social media, no nada.
But like anything, porn served a purpose at the time, the samartians served a purpose at the time (they were great btw) but I dont feel the need to ring them anymore, and these videos, well they got me where I am today but I sooner play some tunes now instead.
If you look at my life, once I became a teen I self soothed. I have learned in the most difficult phase of my life to cope without porn, so what do I really need, another motivational video?
And the self soothing thing, well I also loved porn.
Maybe I played an ace. Maybe because I didn't use a porn blocker, because I didn't do the meetings, because I didn't listen when they said you can't do it alone, and because I did it on my own terms. Maybe that's the way it had to be. I took responsibility for myself for the first time in my life. Maybe it was the only way out.
I'll never forget that day 94 days ago, and that is all I need to stay sober.
Yesterday I contacted the husband of the woman I was having that emotional affair with. He was my best friend once upon and time. He doesn't know the extent of it all and i did lie when asked a question, not because I'm a liar, but because it saves a family, or at least gives them a chance .
The bones of it all is he said he didn't really blame me and he asked to go for a run sometime.
I then blocked her from my life.
I had been chatting with another friend earlier in the day and I said that I was thinking about reaching out to my former best friend. She asked "why know." The answer is simple, I'm trying to be a better man and I know what I'm doing is not right.
My final thoughts on her, well she is such a nice, attractive, happy woman sober but she is an absolute mess of a woman when she starts drinking again, and that's where she is at in life.
The bones of it all is he said he didn't really blame me and he asked to go for a run sometime.
I then blocked her from my life.
I had been chatting with another friend earlier in the day and I said that I was thinking about reaching out to my former best friend. She asked "why know." The answer is simple, I'm trying to be a better man and I know what I'm doing is not right.
My final thoughts on her, well she is such a nice, attractive, happy woman sober but she is an absolute mess of a woman when she starts drinking again, and that's where she is at in life.
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I can really relate to having a toxic connection (in different ways) and how it is a threat to recovery. Breakups are also a massive challenge in recovery, my last big one saw me tempted to pick up a drink and I am long term sober. So well done for cutting it off, staying clean and being brave with your friend, that shows a real ability to do the right thing and cope with difficult emotions 
Now back to porn.
The last feel days I have felt more sexual. I had morning wood again today which is great and they're harder erections for sure. I guess they are normal erections really.
I do still have thoughts, flashbacks but they are weak and I can disregard them, where as before I would act on them.
But there is still a small "want" there, and I do realise that.
The last feel days I have felt more sexual. I had morning wood again today which is great and they're harder erections for sure. I guess they are normal erections really.
I do still have thoughts, flashbacks but they are weak and I can disregard them, where as before I would act on them.
But there is still a small "want" there, and I do realise that.
I can really relate to having a toxic connection (in different ways) and how it is a threat to recovery. Breakups are also a massive challenge in recovery, my last big one saw me tempted to pick up a drink and I am long term sober. So well done for cutting it off, staying clean and being brave with your friend, that shows a real ability to do the right thing and cope with difficult emotions
Thanks @Nico
I have massive cravings today 
so i went for a run on a mountain, 3k up. It was great, I felt awesome.
When I got home the cravings came back. The craving from hell. Its a very familiar feeling
What have I learned in the last 95 days I thought?? Apparently absolutely nothing (well thats what the addiction is leading me to believe)
Those neural pathways although weakened are there, waiting, and wanting to survive.
All logic left, and I felt like puking to be honest. I didn't give in but I still feel vulnerable.
so i went for a run on a mountain, 3k up. It was great, I felt awesome. When I got home the cravings came back. The craving from hell. Its a very familiar feeling
What have I learned in the last 95 days I thought?? Apparently absolutely nothing (well thats what the addiction is leading me to believe)Those neural pathways although weakened are there, waiting, and wanting to survive.
All logic left, and I felt like puking to be honest. I didn't give in but I still feel vulnerable.
Thank you
Jlied
Active Member
Sweet child o mine?
Yes 
My fav band 
Kinda how I feel today.
I have tried so hard, I really gave it everything but I can't shake this bastard. I understand why ppl go back. They feel broken. They feel like what's the point, nothing has changed.
I understand too that I have really a life long problem, from my past and for the future. This is stage 2 where ppl get stuck.
I can't underestimate what I have achieved but I realise I'm not where I want to be either. Alcohol just opened the door ever so slightly and I'm trying to close that door for a few days now. Post alcohol I feel more compulsive and I guess that was always fuelling this fire.
I have no problem never drinking again if thats the way it is. I hadnt really drank in 7 months and I thought a few new years would be ok
I'll keep fighting
My fav band Kinda how I feel today.
I have tried so hard, I really gave it everything but I can't shake this bastard. I understand why ppl go back. They feel broken. They feel like what's the point, nothing has changed.
I understand too that I have really a life long problem, from my past and for the future. This is stage 2 where ppl get stuck.
I can't underestimate what I have achieved but I realise I'm not where I want to be either. Alcohol just opened the door ever so slightly and I'm trying to close that door for a few days now. Post alcohol I feel more compulsive and I guess that was always fuelling this fire.
I have no problem never drinking again if thats the way it is. I hadnt really drank in 7 months and I thought a few new years would be ok
I'll keep fighting
Jlied
Active Member
Keep your head up brother. Youve learned something valuable from this mistake, you’ve uncovered a gateway for you. The fact you are willing to give up drinking completely because of the threat of relapse is huge. Setbacks don’t have to be considered a failure as long as you can learn something from it.
I posted in another thread the other day that masturbation and edging is a gateway for me. If I don’t do either of those things my need for porn went way down, almost had no pull on me. I went through a stretch back in the summer that I edged a few times and honestly I was hooked on that again, I just couldn’t seem to shake it, I didn’t look at porn but my dick just kept calling me lol. The only reason I got away from it is because my wife and I had an argument that carried over for a few days and I was just so frustrated internally I didn’t even think about edging, so in someways that fight distracted me enough to reset. Since then I haven’t edged and I haven’t had any porn cravings.
I feel like porn recovery is like the Dunning-Kruger Effect in that the more you learn about yourself and recovery or triggers the more you realize just how little you actually understood.
I posted in another thread the other day that masturbation and edging is a gateway for me. If I don’t do either of those things my need for porn went way down, almost had no pull on me. I went through a stretch back in the summer that I edged a few times and honestly I was hooked on that again, I just couldn’t seem to shake it, I didn’t look at porn but my dick just kept calling me lol. The only reason I got away from it is because my wife and I had an argument that carried over for a few days and I was just so frustrated internally I didn’t even think about edging, so in someways that fight distracted me enough to reset. Since then I haven’t edged and I haven’t had any porn cravings.
I feel like porn recovery is like the Dunning-Kruger Effect in that the more you learn about yourself and recovery or triggers the more you realize just how little you actually understood.